Drinking and my relationship . how to talk to partner of 7 months about excessive drinking/alcoholism

[howwouldiknownow22]

I've been with my partner for almost 7 months now... and I often stay with him for 4-5 days at a time because I work remotely and he wants me to move in...so this has been my testing ground so far.

About 2 years ago, I left an abusive fiancé who I was with for 7 years.  We acted married etc but I knew I couldn't marry him as he was emotionally abusive and as my therapist says, I was self medicating with wine.  I was drinking at least a bottle of wine a day..starting with a large pour at lunch etc. All the same time... he was telling me I was crazy, insane and would end up under a bridge as a drunk if he ever left me..   

I don't know how but I finally left him and I was really scared.   At first it was tough but my business actually took off....and while I was still drinking it was more like 3 glasses a day...  and was improving.

I dated some and then I met my current partner who I've been with about 7 months now.  At first, we were living it up...traveling... partying etc.  (he's in his 50s and I'm in my 40s) and he was drinking quite a bit.  I was too..  long weekends on a holiday ..etc.  It seemed like there could be an excuse.  

But here's my issue.  I now see that when I stay with him ... at least 1 time a week he's very drunk.  almost falling down drunk.  I started to see this trend around Easter and told him I was going to abstain during lent.  He wasn't having it.... he said NOT WHEN YOU ARE HERE!  He literally poured the wine and held it to my lips.. and started talking about the validity of giving things up for lent anyway..   

I am now in a bad cycle myself.  I may need help.  I drink at least 5-8 drinks a day.   When I'm not with him..  and when I'm with him..  similar or even more.

I have tried really hard this week (while not with him) to avoid drinking as much but due to my anxiety issues and fear  is about being alone...and sober...   (if I end this) .. I am drinking a bottle of wine a day.

I ran 7 miles this morning and forced myself to really get back into my physical health..  but I feel really nervous that I won't make it today without drinking at least a few glasses.

I am supposed to go out of town with him next week and he planned a wine tasting tour (of course)...  and I know I will definitely struggle to stay sober. 

I realize some couples do this... drink ...have fun.    Maybe I'm being too critical ?    I don't know..    but last weekend...one of the nights ...he was falling down drunk.  He felt horrible the next morning and I know he abstained for a day or 2...but last night when he called me..he was slurring and sounded like he had some wine.  

What do I do?  The relationship overall is good ... despite the fact that it's filled with wine...and then... of course, sex.  I looked in the mirror today and I feel like I'm aging quickly...    

Sorry for the long post..  I just don't know how to deal with this.  He keeps talking about getting engaged.. he is a successful business man ...(I have my own business so he doesn't support any of my life $$$$)  but life overall would be nice together..    except this.... 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you may want to explore AA.  Go to a meeting.  Sit in back & listen.  See if any of that resonates with you.  If it does take the next steps that you learn from them.  

[Pumpernickel]

That’s a lot of drinking on both sides. I suggest you have a talk about this with him, as soon as possible. Also - men who drink that much are prone to cheating, more often than not. That sounds like a wild generalization, I know, but it’s true in many cases. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

22 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

That’s a lot of drinking on both sides. I suggest you have a talk about this with him, as soon as possible. Also - men who drink that much are prone to cheating, more often than not. That sounds like a wild generalization, I know, but it’s true in many cases. 

Yes, I could see why that stereotype is there.. people lose control of their normal ethics and morals, it seems.  I don't know if I can really talk to him about it, because I already have...   I think my biggest concern is that "I" am prone to more drinking when I am around him.  And I don't see this ending well for me...if I keep this up.  

IS MY LEVEL OF DRINKING ONE THAT WOULD SEND MAKE SOMEONE THINK IT'S TIME FOR REHAB OR AA?  I appreciate the suggestion of going to AA but one of the main premises of AA is step 1 -- admitting you are powerless over alcohol.    I don't know if I'm quite to that level at this point...  but, I do seem to be easily influenced when I'm around him..  and it's a downward slope if I keep this up..  

[Pumpernickel]

@howwouldiknownow22 It depends on how much you drink, I guess, as well as whether or not you have the ability to just “not drink”, and/or if you can stop after let’s say a glass of wine for dinner, etc etc. So many factors.
Many people do a dry December or an alcohol-free August, etc. You could try that during the month of September maybe…. See how you feel, and see how he reacts. Just tell your boyfriend that that’s your plan, and that you expect him to support you. See how that goes.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 I appreciate the suggestion of going to AA but one of the main premises of AA is step 1 -- admitting you are powerless over alcohol.    I don't know if I'm quite to that level at this point... 

I guess you are at a crossroads with this.  You could escalate your drinking to the point that you feel you are "powerless over alcohol" or you could attempt to dial it back to more of a social drinking occurrence??

As far a dating someone who drinks heavily, I do remember dating one woman that drank heavily.  I found myself trying to keep up with her.  One night, I just didn't feel like drinking with her (after dinner - while watching TV).  So when she asked for some tequila, I grabbed two dark colored glasses, I put a couple of shots of tequila in her glass and the same amount of water in mine.  I figured let her think I was drinking with her.  After a few more shots, she fell asleep and I watched the rest of the TV show.  I dumped her a few weeks later, her heavy drinking was not compatible with my life or the lifestyle I wanted to lead.

Maybe your boyfriend's drinking is incompatible with the lifestyle you want to try to lead??

[howwouldiknownow22]

10 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I guess you are at a crossroads with this.  You could escalate your drinking to the point that you feel you are "powerless over alcohol" or you could attempt to dial it back to more of a social drinking occurrence??

As far a dating someone who drinks heavily, I do remember dating one woman that drank heavily.  I found myself trying to keep up with her.  One night, I just didn't feel like drinking with her (after dinner - while watching TV).  So when she asked for some tequila, I grabbed two dark colored glasses, I put a couple of shots of tequila in her glass and the same amount of water in mine.  I figured let her think I was drinking with her.  After a few more shots, she fell asleep and I watched the rest of the TV show.  I dumped her a few weeks later, her heavy drinking was not compatible with my life or the lifestyle I wanted to lead.

Maybe your boyfriend's drinking is incompatible with the lifestyle you want to try to lead??

I think it worries me most that I may end up going down the same road that he is on... or worse.  It's less about what I "want" and more about the train wreck I'm wondering if I can avoid.

I think I struggle (even when he's not around now) to avoid over drinking ...I feel like I am losing my strength.  And we all know ..we become what we surround ourselves with, right?

I guess I should just consider trying extremely hard this week when I'm with him..to limit my drinking.  I know I WILL struggle.   I think it's possible that HE is an alcoholic.  Like I said, at least once eery couple of weeks...he's so drunk he can barely walk.    

He EATS extremely well (keto) so I think the alcohol hits him faster than those who have a lot of carbs in their stomach.   

I guess I just wanted to come here and ask -- would an objective person think I need help?  A bottle of wine a day?  

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Having witnessed the devastating effects of alcoholism in my parents, I would end this relationship immediately. I occasionally drink so I am not against alcohol consumption but what you describe is dangerous for you.

He will continue to drag you down. The fact that he practically forced you to drink and would not let you exercise your free will of abstaining during Lent shows what the future holds. He is an enabler and will continue to be one as the idea of your sobriety scares him. 

He sounds like he is addicted, and so do you given the fears you expressed about whether you can stop for a month and the history of drinking one bottle of wine per day. That is a lot of alcohol, but so is three glasses a day (21 in a week - not a good place to be IMO).

I wish you all the best. Alcohol is a serous drug and it’s effects can destroy lives in so many levels.

Edit to add: Denial is hard to overcome. I recall one high functioning parent clinging to the claim “I am a heavy social drinker.” That’s a euphemism for being an addict. The parent later realized this and got sober but years of life were tarnished and relationships damaged. Don’t waste your 40s in an alcoholic fog, around alcoholics.

Edited August 15, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

42 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

guess I just wanted to come here and ask -- would an objective person think I need help?  A bottle of wine a day?  

Spend a few minutes looking at expert data to answer your question: 

Defining moderate

Moderate alcohol use for healthy adults generally means up to one drink a day for women and up to two drinks a day for men.

Examples of one drink include:

Beer: 12 fluid ounces (355 milliliters)

Wine: 5 fluid ounces (148 milliliters)

Distilled spirits (80 proof): 1.5 fluid ounces (44 milliliters)

 

Heavy or high-risk drinking is defined as more than three drinks on any day or more than seven drinks a week for women and for men older than age 65, and more than four drinks on any day or more than 14 drinks a week for men age 65 and younger.

Binge drinking is defined as four or more drinks within two hours for women and five or more drinks within two hours for men.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/alcohol/art-20044551

Edited August 15, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[Happy Lemming]

44 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I think I struggle (even when he's not around now) to avoid over drinking ...I feel like I am losing my strength. 

 

With this additional information, I would like to refer you to @d0nnivain post about attempting to go to an AA meeting.

Just sit in the back (as she suggested) and listen.

[howwouldiknownow22]

21 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

Having witnessed the devastating effects of alcoholism in my parents, I would end this relationship immediately. I occasionally drink so I am not against alcohol consumption but what you describe is dangerous for you.

He will continue to drag you down. The fact that he practically forced you to drink and would not let you exercise your free will of abstaining during Lent shows what the future holds. He is an enabler and will continue to be one as the idea of your sobriety scares him. 

He sounds like he is addicted, and so do you given the fears you expressed about whether you can stop for a month and the history of drinking one bottle of wine per day. That is a lot of alcohol, but so is three glasses a day (21 in a week - not a good place to be IMO).

I wish you all the best. Alcohol is a serous drug and it’s effects can destroy lives in so many levels.

Edit to add: Denial is hard to overcome. I recall one high functioning parent clinging to the claim “I am a heavy social drinker.” That’s a euphemism for being an addict. The parent later realized this and got sober but years of life were tarnished and relationships damaged. Don’t waste your 40s in an alcoholic fog, around alcoholics.

Thank you so much for your insight.  What's sad for me is the realization that I essentially have to pick him and the alcohol...or sobriety.  

The reality is I'm supposed to go on a trip with him...for 6 days ...leaving tomorrow night.  But, I am wondering if I should go?  I am very concerned about my ability to avoid drinking or even minimize it.

And... part of me says...well, just go on the darn trip...have fun and then re-evaluate.       

The OTHER issue is ...ending this relationship would be painful, as well. And...THAT worries me ...that I will end up drinking more because of the loss!

Would you go on this trip with him?  

[howwouldiknownow22]

24 minutes ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

Spend a few minutes looking at expert data to answer your question: 

Defining moderate

Moderate alcohol use for healthy adults generally means up to one drink a day for women and up to two drinks a day for men.

Examples of one drink include:

Beer: 12 fluid ounces (355 milliliters)

Wine: 5 fluid ounces (148 milliliters)

Distilled spirits (80 proof): 1.5 fluid ounces (44 milliliters)

 

Heavy or high-risk drinking is defined as more than three drinks on any day or more than seven drinks a week for women and for men older than age 65, and more than four drinks on any day or more than 14 drinks a week for men age 65 and younger.

Binge drinking is defined as four or more drinks within two hours for women and five or more drinks within two hours for men.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/nutrition-and-healthy-eating/in-depth/alcohol/art-20044551

Yes, I would be considered a very high risk drinker and often a binge drinker...    That is true...  

[Pumpernickel]

7 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Would you go on this trip with him?  

It doesn’t matter what we would do, but I think we all know that you are going to go either way. 
 

What is it that you like about this guy?

[howwouldiknownow22]

25 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

It doesn’t matter what we would do, but I think we all know that you are going to go either way. 
 

What is it that you like about this guy?

I don't think that is true.. I am searching for the strength here to leave this relationship.  

So, what is it that I like about him?  I have been trying to journal and figure that out, as well.  We both have a lot in common regarding our businesses, professional drive, overall energy, and constant desire to be connected.   I guess I could say we have similar "love languages"...  

But, here is the reality:  Is he making me a better person?  No.  Does he want to improve himself and reduce his drinking?  I don't think he desires that...and even if he "says" that he will do it... I don't see it happening.  

I think mostly ..we have just grown so close that it's going to be extremely painful to end this.  I have broken up with him twice before .... due to his controlling actions and sporadic anger. We ended up getting back together (obviously) 

Literally, just 2 weeks ago... I delayed my flight by a day to go to be with him for 5 days... I told him I was overwhelmed with work and I was going to take the flight the following morning. He called me very upset and said "His feelings were extremely hurt... and it went on and on where he literally told me to just "leave him" because it was clear that I hated him." 

That was in response to me telling him that I felt his reaction to this flight arrival was overblown and extremely selfish...as I told him I had a TERRIBLE day ...  and he didn't even recognize that.

The following day ...  he called me and begged me to fly out and said he realized how selfish he was and he was sorry...   He said he realized that he overreacted..   so of course..  I ended up getting hooked right back in with him ...   he seems so sorry.  

But, you see that I have a bit of toxicity going here...  with ending the relationship ..and then getting lured back in.    So, if I end this today or tomorrow...I've got to do it for good and do it tactically.  

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Would you go on this trip with him?  

I just typed a response while walking my dog but lost it all and now I can add more based on your post above.

Given my history with alcoholics I would have ended it at Lent. His controlling behavior and peer pressure to make you drink is not good. It's not the type of relationship I can support.

I would not have fun on a trip if I was pressured to drink daily, let alone drink to excess. It's not my lifestyle or what I want for my life.  

While no one wants to back out a trip the day before, the history of repeated breakups, his anger/controlling behavior, off/on dynamic, and your growing concerns of the alcohol risk seems, it seems like the trip is going to be horrible. I'd probably end it now. You could try to set expectations for the trip that you are NOT drinking daily/to excess on this trip but I suspect this will spark a fight, so what's the point?

While you like things about him and there is so sort of connection, this is a dysfunctional relationship. I'd end it now and stick to my resolve. Breakups are hard and I know that. (My marriage ended about two years ago.) I think it's good you are evaluating this at 7 months vs. waiting 2, 5, 7 years. 

The reality is once you get back to a healthy lifestyle and away from an angry, controlling person who guilt trips you, you will feel so much happier and healthier. Just waking up each day fresh, with a clear head and no residual hangover from drinking will outstrip the benefits of this relationship IMO.

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

The OTHER issue is ...ending this relationship would be painful, as well. And...THAT worries me ...that I will end up drinking more because of the loss!

 

I missed this before - you really need to go to AA. Get the support you need. Your life will only improve, even if you are scared or feel ashamed by having to go. I'm 55, and I can't tell you how many young colleagues in their early 30s I know who have realized they were alcoholics and who are now sober, many writing about their situation on blogs and sharing updates on social media. So many people struggle with alcohol but there is hope and you need to love yourself enough to seek help.

I wish you all the best.

[howwouldiknownow22]

Just now, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

I missed this before - you really need to go to AA. Get the support you need. Your life will only improve, even if you are scared or feel ashamed by having to go. I'm 55, and I can't tell you how many young colleagues in their early 30s I know who have realized they were alcoholics and who are now sober, many writing about their situation on blogs and sharing updates on social media. So many people struggle with alcohol but there is hope and you need to love yourself enough to seek help.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much for your feedback and both replies.. to my situation.  I certainly appreciate your opinion. 

I think I continue to kick the ball down the field...and avoid fully ending things fully.  But, you hit on a good point.  I'm a visual person and I can visualize myself in his home and waking up and feeling like complete hell.  I may drink a bottle of wine a day even when I'm not with him...but it's more of a glass at lunch...  a glass making dinner...and then more before bed.  I know it's still a lot of alcohol and not dismissing that as a problem....BUT, it doesn't give me the hang over and mental hell that I have when I'm around him ...and it's more alcohol... and less time between drinks.

And the reality is HE is often super hung over the next day too.  It's painful...  it's not a good way of life and certainly not good for either of our futures...     

I was in therapy this past week and I discussed this with her and she was surprised that I don't have more anger over the fact that he really CHANGED who he presented himself to be... and I invested a lot of time and energy in him ...traveling to see him...  and surprise -- HE is NOT the person he presented himself to be...

The other issue is that I have a dog.  I have to pay for may poor little dog to stay with a dog sitter essentially half the month while I'm with him.   He's only 4 lbs and COULD fly with me... and he's a terrific dog!  Potty trained etc.  My bf has said my dog is the perfect dog!   I recently told him that I would like to bring him out with me... and he said sarcastically "no thanks.." 

He eventually knew that bothered me and said it was fine... but I realized that it wasn't worth it...    so, if I go out of town this week with him..  it will be another 300 dollar bill for the dog sitter too...   

It's just a lot..   

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

.. I am drinking a bottle of wine a day.

You've heard the term 'functional alcoholic'?

The most promising thing is that you feel it's excessive and becoming an issue. That means you have insight:

This tool may help you decide the extent of your problem:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

[howwouldiknownow22]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've heard the term 'functional alcoholic'?

The most promising thing is that you feel it's excessive and becoming an issue. That means you have insight:

This tool may help you decide the extent of your problem:

https://www.aa.org/pages/en_us/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

Yes, I have heard of that..  and I am recognizing the issue at hand.  I know I'm struggling personally and worry if I continue in my relationship, I won't stop....or I'll get worse.  

[Acacia98]

41 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I was in therapy this past week and I discussed this with her and she was surprised that I don't have more anger over the fact that he really CHANGED who he presented himself to be... and I invested a lot of time and energy in him ...traveling to see him...  and surprise -- HE is NOT the person he presented himself to be...

The other issue is that I have a dog.  I have to pay for may poor little dog to stay with a dog sitter essentially half the month while I'm with him.   He's only 4 lbs and COULD fly with me... and he's a terrific dog!  Potty trained etc.  My bf has said my dog is the perfect dog!   I recently told him that I would like to bring him out with me... and he said sarcastically "no thanks.." 

He eventually knew that bothered me and said it was fine... but I realized that it wasn't worth it...    so, if I go out of town this week with him..  it will be another 300 dollar bill for the dog sitter too...   

Objectively speaking, you do have a drinking problem. The fact that you have difficulty stopping it or controlling it is one indicator. It also seems that you drink to avoid dealing with stuff that's troubling you. You seem to have done that with your previous relationship and you seem to be doing it with your current one.

I think the alcohol and your fear of being alone are numbing you to the fact that this is a pretty terrible relationship. And I think that once you are able to set them aside, you will start to be angrier at your current guy's treatment of you and to remember many other messed up things he's said and done.

I'm wondering: why are you terrified of being alone? What exactly is it that is so terrible about sitting at home alone with your thoughts that would push you to drink a whole bottle of wine? Is being single really that bad? Is it that bad to be in your own space and to eat what you want and to have more control over your environment and to have free time to focus on meeting your needs? Is it so bad to be able to focus on your dog and take him for walks and to be able to cultivate your friendships and relationships with a circle of people you care about? Is it so bad to be able to make healthier life choices without someone pulling you back? Is it so bad to not have to spend a chunk of money on plane tickets and dog sitters and, therefore, to be able to save it for something else?

And I feel kind of sad that you are a dog owner and you've remained in this relationship with this guy who clearly doesn't care about your dog. What exactly was the long-term plan here? To ultimately move in with him and give your dog away? At this point, I'm not even thinking about the money you're spending on the dog sitter. I'm just wondering why it is so easy for you to give up or set aside what matters to you in order to run to this guy's side and spend so much time with him. Why is it acceptable to spend half of the month away from your dog? I presume you got the dog because you actually wanted him?

And that part where you mentioned your guy physically coercing you to drink alcohol when you wanted to abstain: you realize that's just a few steps away from a physically abusive relationship, right? You've only been together for 7 months (I think that's what you wrote). What happens if you stay together longer and he starts to "relax" more around you? Does "relaxing" mean a slap here and a punch there when he's drunk and then tearful apologies on the next day when he sobers up? Is it possible that by staying in this relationship, you're falling back into the dysfunctional patterns of your former relationship? Is it possible you're drinking more now for the same reasons you used to drink more in that relationship?

Maybe if you take the time to focus on your greatest fears in therapy (I mean the fears which are keeping you in this relationship) you will no longer need to seek refuge in alcohol and it will be easier to take the steps you need to take to leave this relationship and to stop drinking.

I think it would do you a world of good to stay single for a long stretch of time after you manage to extricate yourself from this relationship. It's important for you to make peace with yourself and to learn to love and appreciate yourself, and you can't do that when you're using relationships to fill an emotional vacuum. If, after that, the day comes when you want to start dating again, I strongly recommend that you focus on dating guys who (among other criteria) have healthy drinking habits or don't drink, who live in the same area as you, who love dogs as much as you do, and who are willing to meet you halfway so that it's not always you sacrificing the money and the time and the effort to avoid inconveniencing them.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

  

The OTHER issue is ...ending this relationship would be painful, as well.

 

Yes... I've been in that exact scenario.  The woman I mentioned up thread (that drank heavy) was beautiful and perfect for me in every way.  She worked a great job and agreed with my stance on "no children".  We read the same authors, enjoyed the same movies, same foods.  The sex was incredible (for both of us).  Everything was perfect in every way... except one -- her excessive drinking.

I made bargains with myself about how I could look past this drinking problem, tried to convince myself it wasn't that bad.  I made all kind of arguments with my brain trying to keep her in my world. I racked my brain to and fro...

For my own health, sanity and well being, I had to let her go... I had to say "good bye".  I do think if I would have stayed with her, my drinking would have increased and dramatically affected my life in a negative way.

Sometimes we all have to make tough decisions that are extremely painful.  In the end, you know what the answer has to be.

[howwouldiknownow22]

28 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Objectively speaking, you do have a drinking problem. The fact that you have difficulty stopping it or controlling it is one indicator. It also seems that you drink to avoid dealing with stuff that's troubling you. You seem to have done that with your previous relationship and you seem to be doing it with your current one.

I think the alcohol and your fear of being alone are numbing you to the fact that this is a pretty terrible relationship. And I think that once you are able to set them aside, you will start to be angrier at your current guy's treatment of you and to remember many other messed up things he's said and done.

I'm wondering: why are you terrified of being alone? What exactly is it that is so terrible about sitting at home alone with your thoughts that would push you to drink a whole bottle of wine? Is being single really that bad? Is it that bad to be in your own space and to eat what you want and to have more control over your environment and to have free time to focus on meeting your needs? Is it so bad to be able to focus on your dog and take him for walks and to be able to cultivate your friendships and relationships with a circle of people you care about? Is it so bad to be able to make healthier life choices without someone pulling you back? Is it so bad to not have to spend a chunk of money on plane tickets and dog sitters and, therefore, to be able to save it for something else?

And I feel kind of sad that you are a dog owner and you've remained in this relationship with this guy who clearly doesn't care about your dog. What exactly was the long-term plan here? To ultimately move in with him and give your dog away? At this point, I'm not even thinking about the money you're spending on the dog sitter. I'm just wondering why it is so easy for you to give up or set aside what matters to you in order to run to this guy's side and spend so much time with him. Why is it acceptable to spend half of the month away from your dog? I presume you got the dog because you actually wanted him?

And that part where you mentioned your guy physically coercing you to drink alcohol when you wanted to abstain: you realize that's just a few steps away from a physically abusive relationship, right? You've only been together for 7 months (I think that's what you wrote). What happens if you stay together longer and he starts to "relax" more around you? Does "relaxing" mean a slap here and a punch there when he's drunk and then tearful apologies on the next day when he sobers up? Is it possible that by staying in this relationship, you're falling back into the dysfunctional patterns of your former relationship? Is it possible you're drinking more now for the same reasons you used to drink more in that relationship?

Maybe if you take the time to focus on your greatest fears in therapy (I mean the fears which are keeping you in this relationship) you will no longer need to seek refuge in alcohol and it will be easier to take the steps you need to take to leave this relationship and to stop drinking.

I think it would do you a world of good to stay single for a long stretch of time after you manage to extricate yourself from this relationship. It's important for you to make peace with yourself and to learn to love and appreciate yourself, and you can't do that when you're using relationships to fill an emotional vacuum. If, after that, the day comes when you want to start dating again, I strongly recommend that you focus on dating guys who (among other criteria) have healthy drinking habits or don't drink, who live in the same area as you, who love dogs as much as you do, and who are willing to meet you halfway so that it's not always you sacrificing the money and the time and the effort to avoid inconveniencing them.

yes..  thank you for all of this feedback.  It's excellent.  I am feeling extremely anxious today thinking about being without him in my life.   I almost wanted to drink thinking about it!  

First, I'll say this..   he called me and was talking about how his neighbor was stumbling drunk already..   and I said, "boy that's bad..   you know, I was thinking.. we should do a 30 day fast from alcohol"

 He said "yeah, I could do that.. "  But then he immediately said,  "well, we should just drink on the weekends...  because if we go a few days without alcohol it will take less to get a buzz."     Then he said, actually  2 6oz glasses of wine a day are fine..  it's just that the restaurants pour larger amounts..         I didn't say much and he immediately changed the subject.

Now...I have to figure out how to talk to him further about this tonight.    (I have to avoid going on this trip if he can't support me on staying sober this week).

Also, as for the dog..  yeah, I agree.  He loves the dog.. or so he says.  He talks about him all the time..   but, he seems to not care that I feel terrible that the dog is constantly with a dog sitter.   He has mentioned that my dog would love his backyard etc..   so the plan always would have been to keep the dog with me.. of course.

But, when I finally pushed bringing him ..the "no thanks"..   was his gut reaction.    That says a lot.     And I mentioned last night that I need to line up a pet sitter for this next week again... and he didn't say anything.  He eventually said he would pay for it .. since it could be part of my bday present.  (this trip is for my bday that was last month). 

Why do I stay? I am indeed scared of being alone.  I'm honestly scared that I will fall apart further..  I'm pretty isolated and I am worried about trying to socialize or date in the future .. without drinking.  It's not easy.

I have gotten myself into a bad place..  and I'm concerned.   And I appreciate this forum and feedback.  

Edited August 15, 2021 by howwouldiknownow22

[howwouldiknownow22]

30 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... I've been in that exact scenario.  The woman I mentioned up thread (that drank heavy) was beautiful and perfect for me in every way.  She worked a great job and agreed with my stance on "no children".  We read the same authors, enjoyed the same movies, same foods.  The sex was incredible (for both of us).  Everything was perfect in every way... except one -- her excessive drinking.

I made bargains with myself about how I could look past this drinking problem, tried to convince myself it wasn't that bad.  I made all kind of arguments with my brain trying to keep her in my world. I racked my brain to and fro...

For my own health, sanity and well being, I had to let her go... I had to say "good bye".  I do think if I would have stayed with her, my drinking would have increased and dramatically affected my life in a negative way.

Sometimes we all have to make tough decisions that are extremely painful.  In the end, you know what the answer has to be.

I'm sorry, I know that was extremely painful and I also feel that impending sense of loss and fear.   I have to say if I'm honest.... the sex isn't great for me....   and it's deteriorating for him because I'm not the same person I was when I first met him.   When he gets drunk he talks about his fantasy of me being with other men and it's a huge turn off to me.   I have told him about this..  but when he's drunk, he can't seem to stop himself from talking about it ...in the moment....if you know what I mean.

His son just moved out for college and he's an empty nester and I know that he's on his absolute best behavior right NOW because he's feeling the pain of being alone for the first time, himself.  So.... I think he's trying very hard to keep me on the line.  And honestly, he has a beautiful home...  in a beautiful city.....and continues to talk about how he wants to get engaged and for me to move in.    

The truth of the matter is ... (something I reallhy need to focus on and stop denying) a few months ago I literally told him I was flying home, but instead ...since I couldn't get a flight out ...I went to a hotel because he had gotten so drunk and was pushing sex with another man so much ...that I just couldn't take it anymore.

He hasn't done it THAT much as of late....(probably because he knows he needs to hang on to me)....but I need to remember THIS is who he is... If he moved in with him...if I got engaged...etc... these things are still there lurking.     So, thank you for helping me face my reality...no matter how painful.  

Edited August 15, 2021 by howwouldiknownow22

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I'm sorry, I know that was extremely painful and I also feel that impending sense of loss and fear. 

 

Yes... but about 1.5 years later, I met my long term girlfriend of almost 10 years. 

"When one door closes, another opens" - Alexander Graham Bell

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... but about 1.5 years later, I met my long term girlfriend of almost 10 years. 

"When one door closes, another opens" - Alexander Graham Bell

Congratulations! You give me hope.. thank you!