Drinking and my relationship . how to talk to partner of 7 months about excessive drinking/alcoholism

[howwouldiknownow22]

I'm sorry, I know that was extremely painful and I also feel that impending sense of loss and fear.   I have to say if I'm honest.... the sex isn't great for me....   and it's deteriorating for him because I'm not the same person I was when I first met him.   When he gets drunk he talks about his fantasy of me being with other men and it's a huge turn off to me.   I have told him about this..  but when he's drunk, he can't seem to stop himself from talking about it ...in the moment....if you know what I mean.

His son just moved out for college and he's an empty nester and I know that he's on his absolute best behavior right NOW because he's feeling the pain of being alone for the first time, himself.  So.... I think he's trying very hard to keep me on the line.  And honestly, he has a beautiful home...  in a beautiful city.....and continues to talk about how he wants to get engaged and for me to move in.    

The truth of the matter is ... (something I reallhy need to focus on and stop denying) a few months ago I literally told him I was flying home, but instead ...since I couldn't get a flight out ...I went to a hotel because he had gotten so drunk and was pushing sex with another man so much ...that I just couldn't take it anymore.

He hasn't done it THAT much as of late....(probably because he knows he needs to hang on to me)....but I need to remember THIS is who he is... If he moved in with him...if I got engaged...etc... these things are still there lurking.     So, thank you for helping me face my reality...no matter how painful.

[Pumpernickel]

I remember reading that story. That must’ve been very painful for you. I am sure you know in your head what you need to do. Not going on that trip tomorrow is a good start.

[howwouldiknownow22]

6 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

I remember reading that story. That must’ve been very painful for you. I am sure you know in your head what you need to do. Not going on that trip tomorrow is a good start.

My biggest issue is that he has been on much better behavior..  so it's hard for me to remember that this happened and could happen again.  

[Pumpernickel]

8 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

My biggest issue is that he has been on much better behavior..  so it's hard for me to remember that this happened and could happen again.  

Yeah I get that. That’s the hope speaking from within you. But I think deep down inside you know what he’s really made of, and that fear of him going back to his “bad behavior” will always be lurking. That’s one thing. The other thing is that there is some thing about this relationship that intrigues you. Maybe you like drinking together. Maybe you like partying together. Maybe you are - deep down - afraid that without the drinking a relationship would be boring, bland - not only with him, but with anybody. What would a normal relationship look like? Would you like to have that normalcy? Or would that sound boring to you?

Edited August 15, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[howwouldiknownow22]

24 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yeah I get that. That’s the hope speaking from within you. But I think deep down inside you know what he’s really made of, and that fear of him going back to his “bad behavior” will always be lurking. That’s one thing. The other thing is that there is some thing about this relationship that intrigues you. Maybe you like drinking together. Maybe you like partying together. Maybe you are - deep down - afraid that without the drinking a relationship would be boring, bland - not only with him, but with anybody. What would a normal relationship look like? Would you like to have that normalcy? Or would that sound boring to you?

Yep ...I think I've gotten off on the sensationalism and the allure of fabulous dinners ...expensive wine..  wine tasting... his fancy car... drinks by the ocean.... and even the excitement of buying clothes for each trip out to see him.  

It's definitely been something to keep me hooked.   But, I found over the past few trips...I was wearing the same outfits...  I was getting exhausted at the idea of traveling ...and leaving my poor dog.  But when I got there....and drank and got sucked back in... I ended up right back on the hamster wheel.   Don't get me wrong...coming back home....isn't glorious and it can even be depressing...   mainly because I spend 2 days recovering from the intense hangovers... 

 

My life is very lonely...  (mainly because I spent so much energy in traveling to be with him and always being connected with him...).    And it's certainly not as glamorous as the life we had together.  But...  it's also a healthy place (albeit lonely) to try and grow.  

 

Edited August 15, 2021 by howwouldiknownow22

[Pumpernickel]

Oh man I’m so sorry. That sounds really difficult. How far apart are you? If you talk about flights & him living at the beach - Is it like a long flight like from Florida to I don’t know Michigan or something? Or CA to Illinois? I mean even that alone can drain you even without the drinking. Three hours there three hours back plus transfer from the airport (in the meantime your dogs all by himself/herself.) It’s simply not sustainable and I think the alcohol just compounds the problem. You guys have a lot to talk about

[howwouldiknownow22]

13 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Oh man I’m so sorry. That sounds really difficult. How far apart are you? If you talk about flights & him living at the beach - Is it like a long flight like from Florida to I don’t know Michigan or something? Or CA to Illinois? I mean even that alone can drain you even without the drinking. Three hours there three hours back plus transfer from the airport (in the meantime your dogs all by himself/herself.) It’s simply not sustainable and I think the alcohol just compounds the problem. You guys have a lot to talk about

It's 3 hour flight each way...    and trying to run my business ...deal with the time zone change.. and of course..getting to the airport 1.5 hours early...   pay for parking...   pay for the dog sitter...  take a 3 hour flight...and then do it all over again to go home.   He's been to my place ..  4 times in 7 months.  I've been to his city/home...  16 times.    It's A LOT.

 

[Pumpernickel]

Yeah that’s definitely a lot of travel time especially in addition to all the other issues you guys are having.

So – have you made a decision yet with regards to your trip tomorrow?

[d0nnivain]

The allure of this man is fading. That is probably good.  It's OK if you end things slowly rather than abruptly.  

As for the drinking only you know.  DH & I did dry January earlier this year to prove we could.  We'd been drinking too much IMO.  I also stopped keeping a lot o alcohol in the house.  That helps.  You can't drink 2 bottles of wine if you don't have 2 bottles.   

[howwouldiknownow22]

13 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

Yeah that’s definitely a lot of travel time especially in addition to all the other issues you guys are having.

So – have you made a decision yet with regards to your trip tomorrow?

I have a plane ticket to leave tonight and I still haven't decided..   I tried talking to him a bit about this issue last night and it didn't really go anywhere... I just have to think hard today and realize that if no action -- is an action.  No action is also a decision.  And continuing to go down this road... has its consequences.  

[Pumpernickel]

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

And continuing to go down this road

The fact that this is long distance is also a problem, IMO. You arent' there for one another (physically) to hold eacht other accountable (also w/r/t drinking). And you don't know what the other one is doing while you're apart. I wouldn't necessarily trust the guy. He does not sound too "stable". Since when have you been LD?

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

The fact that this is long distance is also a problem, IMO. You arent' there for one another (physically) to hold eacht other accountable (also w/r/t drinking). And you don't know what the other one is doing while you're apart. I wouldn't necessarily trust the guy. He does not sound too "stable". Since when have you been LD?

That is true...  we've been long distance the entire relationship.  However, I have essentially 'lived with' him for at least 15 days of the month...  and that's where I've witnessed the heavy drinking (and participated in it).  He's a successful guy, takes me to amazing dinners (and great wine).... and it's a glamorous lifestyle ...at least in the beginning.   But, as I mentioned, that is until the hang over the next day....and the need to have a drink at brunch to dull the headache from the night before...and the cycle continues over and over.  

[LynneVicious]

I think since you are questioning so much now, and are cognizant of the drinking issues, you ultimately know deep down this relationship needs to end. The drinking clearly bothers you. By your words, you’re obviously an intelligent and self aware person. 

My advice would be to not ignore your own feelings. Don’t ignore your intuition. Don’t ignore your questions and thoughts.

You are trying to tell yourself something. Don’t ignore it. 

[poppyfields]

OP, I recommend you watch a great movie, a classic "Days of Wine and Roses."   Stars Jack Lemmon as a high flying corp exec with a BIG drinking problem and Lee Remick, his girlfriend, and later, wife.  

I just watched recently and actually posted about it in the "What are you Watching" thread. 

Great films like this are so powerful! 

Anyway, when Jack Lemmon met Lee Remick, she had never drank in her whole life but they began drinking together (he convinced her with a Brandy Alexander), it was exciting, fun, intriguing, intoxicating for both  just like you described, and SHE eventually became a full blown alcoholic.

I won't say more but their RL sounds exactly like yours.  

One of the best films made on alcoholism, won all sorts of awards.

It was shocking but enlightening. 

One of the scenes with a drunk Jack Lemmon frantically searching for a bottle in the greenhouse could possibly change your entire mindset and life! 

Please stay aware and be careful, take care of YOU! 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[howwouldiknownow22]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP, I recommend you watch a great movie, a classic "Days of Wine and Roses."   Stars Jack Lemmon as a high flying corp exec with a BIG drinking problem and Lee Remick, his girlfriend, and later, wife.  

I just watched recently and actually posted about it in the "What are you Watching" thread. 

Great films like this are so powerful! 

Anyway, when Jack Lemmon met Lee Remick, she had never drank in her whole life but they began drinking together (he convinced her with a Brandy Alexander), it was exciting, fun, intriguing, intoxicating for both  just like you described, and SHE eventually became a full blown alcoholic.

I won't say more but their RL sounds exactly like yours.  

One of the best films made on alcoholism, won all sorts of awards.

It was shocking but enlightening. 

One of the scenes with a drunk Jack Lemmon frantically searching for a bottle in the greenhouse could possibly change your entire mindset and life! 

Please stay aware and be careful, take care of YOU! 

 

 

I just watched the trailer for the movie... and yes, it is an eye opener and it is concerning.  I am worried about myself..   as well.  What I know about this situation is that things won't improve ...with him.  I'm just so concerned that "I" am taking a turn for the worse too.  He's not even here with me this week and I've been drinking heavily all on my own.  So... I'm not sure how to feel.  I sound like a hypocrite but also like someone who sees myself on the figurative train tracks... 

[d0nnivain]

Acknowledging you (may) have a problem is the 1st step toward fixing it.  I know AA says you have to acknowledge that you are powerless over alcohol but you do have some power.  You can chose to cut down or stop

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I just watched the trailer for the movie... and yes, it is an eye opener and it is concerning.  I am worried about myself..   as well.  What I know about this situation is that things won't improve ...with him.  I'm just so concerned that "I" am taking a turn for the worse too.  He's not even here with me this week and I've been drinking heavily all on my own.  So... I'm not sure how to feel.  I sound like a hypocrite but also like someone who sees myself on the figurative train tracks... 

You sound like Kirsten (Lee Remick) in the movie!  Jack Lemmon (her husband) traveled too, got transferred to a different city and she drank up a storm, to cope.

That's when her drinking escalated but she was not as aware as you. 

You ARE aware, so now is the time to take the necessary steps to stop. 

Don't worry about him, he is a grown man, let him take care of himself, you are not his mother.  And that's actually codependency.

Your first priority is to yourself.  Love yourself FIRST. 

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You sound like Kirsten (Lee Remick) in the movie!  Jack Lemmon (her husband) traveled too, got transferred to a different city and she drank up a storm, to cope.

That's when her drinking escalated but she was not as aware as you. 

You ARE aware, so now is the time to take the necessary steps to stop. 

Don't worry about him, he is a grown man, let him take care of himself, you are not his mother.  And that's actually codependency.

Your first priority is to yourself.  Love yourself FIRST. 

 

Yes, I am acknowledging this and it's the first step.  I just need to get my ass in gear regarding this decision and the relationship.  I think it would help me tremendously if I had a support system and felt more stable overall.  

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Yes, I am acknowledging this and it's the first step.  I just need to get my ass in gear regarding this decision and the relationship.  I think it would help me tremendously if I had a support system and felt more stable overall.  

AA is a support system

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

AA is a support system

Was just about to post same.  And Al Anon as well.

You don't have to reach rock bottom to be an alcoholic, and you can go and just listen for awhile, it may give you strength. 

Why not try and see?  What have you got to lose?

Question:  Do you want to stop?  Think about that because from what I'm reading, your desire to drink is over-riding your desire to stop.

Which I actually understand because if you stop, you may lose your boyfriend.

So it's a choice

Booze or boyfriend.

All the best whatever you decide.  

EDIT:  Don't want to give ending of the movie away but this was a question Jack Lemmon was faced with as well.

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[howwouldiknownow22]

57 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Was just about to post same.  And Al Anon as well.

You don't have to reach rock bottom to be an alcoholic, and you can go and just listen for awhile, it may give you strength. 

Why not try and see?  What have you got to lose?

Question:  Do you want to stop?  Think about that because from what I'm reading, your desire to drink is over-riding your desire to stop.

Which I actually understand because if you stop, you may lose your boyfriend.

So it's a choice

Booze or boyfriend.

All the best whatever you decide.  

EDIT:  Don't want to give ending of the movie away but this was a question Jack Lemmon was faced with as well.

 

Thank you SO Much...forgive me for replying and making this like a personal blog post...but here's what I think I'm going to do...

I have a plane ticket for this evening, but I am going to write him an email instead and let him know I'm not going to come.

Here's what I plan to say...

___,

This is a very hard email for me to write.  We've had so many ups and downs in this relationship and I have to be honest and let you know that "I" am currently in a down moment.  I am not doing very well and I feel tired, worn out from work and travel ... and from drinking far too much.   The idea of packing, getting on another airplane,  and driving another hour to your house...leaving my dog for another week... and drinking heavily all week long...just seems like something I can't do right now. 

Maybe it's depression...stress...too much drinking...I don't know what it is...but, I am not in a good place right now and that means I can't be in a good place for you.  So, I have to say that I can't make it this week and it's probably best we take a break on this relationship until I get myself sorted out. I don't want any drama or back and forth.. I just need to let you know how I feel and I hope you can respect that.

 

What do you guys think?  

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

we've been long distance the entire relationship.

So that means you met online probably, and you had no idea AT ALL who he was before you first flew there to meet him. 
Was he different during your first meeting/weekend together (or whatever your 1st meet looked like)? Or did he exhibit the same extent of drinking right off the bat? (You probably had a different initial impression of him before you got sucked in entirely, I suppose…..) 

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 minute ago, Pumpernickel said:

So that means you met online probably, and you had no idea AT ALL who he was before you first flew there to meet him. 
Was he different during your first meeting/weekend together (or whatever your 1st meet looked like)? Or did he exhibit the same extent of drinking right off the bat? (You probably had a different initial impression of him before you got sucked in entirely, I suppose…..) 

Correct.  We both drank quite a bit of wine on our first meeting..(I stayed at a hotel) but, I don't recall it being extreme.  I remember we both joked that we needed a glass of wine when meeting at the airport because we would be nervous...so there was probably a few glasses throughout the night but certainly nothing like falling down drunk ..that I see now.    The first time I saw him drink to THAT extent was when we were out of town on vacation at our 3 month mark.  He had one bad day of drinking at the pool and I had to walk him back to the room (barely) and he had to sleep for a few hours because he passed out.     

But, I'm no saint!  I tried keeping up with him but no I never drank so much that I passed out like that...  But, it's been too much.  This is more about ME than it is him... I fear that I'm already in a bad place and I think he could bring me down further.  I'm not BLAMING him...I'm just recognizing that he's not helping me in my attempt to improve myself....  if that makes sense. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

This is a very hard email for me to write.  We've had so many ups and downs in this relationship and I have to be honest and let you know that "I" am currently in a down moment.  I am not doing very well and I feel tired, worn out from work and travel ... and from drinking far too much.   The idea of packing, getting on another airplane,  and driving another hour to your house...leaving my dog for another week... and drinking heavily all week long...just seems like something I can't do right now. 

Maybe it's depression...stress...too much drinking...I don't know what it is...but, I am not in a good place right now and that means I can't be in a good place for you for either myself or us.    So, I have to say that I can't make it this week and it's probably best we take a break on this relationship until I get myself sorted out. I don't want any drama or back and forth.. I just need to let you know how I feel and I hope you can respect that.

 

What do you guys think?  

I like this message.  You are not asking him to stop drinking, you are not giving him an ultimatum, he makes that decision for himself.

You are taking responsibility for yourself, taking care of YOU which the right and "healthy" thing to do.

I did change one thing though (bolded), because imo you shouldn't want to be in a good place for him, but for yourself as an individual and together as a couple.

Good luck!!  

 

 

Edited August 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I like this message.  You are not asking him to stop drinking, you are not giving him an ultimatum, he makes that decision for himself.

(...)

I did change one thing though (bolded), because imo you shouldn't want to be in a good place for him, but for yourself as an individual and together as a couple.

@howwoukdiknow22: I agree with @poppyfields's approval of your message and suggested edit. I'd like to add something to that; I'm not sure about the "until I get myself sorted out" bit. You don't want to feel beholden to return to him once you get yourself sorted out, do you? I'd delete that bit if I were you.

Also, this may not be relevant anymore, but since we were discussing it, I just wanted to add to your general perception that he doesn't like your dog: if he really wanted you to move in with your dog, he would have wanted you to come over with the dog during at least one of your visits to try the idea out for size, see what it's like to have the dog there, see whether the dog likes the setup, etc. The fact that he hasn't done that makes me think it's just a theoretical thing for him. He hasn't really thought about what it means. He will offer to do more stuff for the dog now that he feels you slipping away. But that's because he feels that he has to do it. Like you surmised, his true reaction was the instinctive "No thanks," that slipped out that one time.

I know you're scared of what will happen when he's no longer in your life. But don't be. You will be okay. You have the emotional strength to do what you need to do. Follow the great advice you've gotten from the other posters about AA, Al Anon, etc. You will be okay.

Edited August 16, 2021 by Acacia98