Drinking and my relationship . how to talk to partner of 7 months about excessive drinking/alcoholism

[Coasting1991]

On 8/14/2021 at 2:56 PM, howwouldiknownow22 said:

 I started to see this trend around Easter and told him I was going to abstain during lent.  He wasn't having it.... he said NOT WHEN YOU ARE HERE!  He literally poured the wine and held it to my lips.. and started talking about the validity of giving things up for lent anyway.

 

 

This right here is enough to dump him IMO, OP. Is he aware that you've had a problem with alcohol in the past? 

[Pumpernickel]

Hi @howwouldiknownow22 - Just wondering how you’ve been doing and curious whether or not you sent the email and if you went on that trip or not……

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said:

Hi @howwouldiknownow22 - Just wondering how you’ve been doing and curious whether or not you sent the email and if you went on that trip or not……

Thank you SO much!  I appreciate you asking.  I'm in shock today tbh.  I lied the first day that I was supposed to fly out and told him I had a work emergency.  He was not fond of that but seemed to take it decently.   Then, I actually rebooked yesterday, and was about to go ...and said a few big prayers and decided to email him and tell him that I couldn't make it.

I told him that I was extremely tired of traveling, of all the stress, of worrying about my work etc...and that I felt that I didn't fully trust him.  I didn't even really bring up the alcohol... I just told him that I felt that if he really wanted to work things out with me ...he could fly to me.  I offered for him to use my travel credit ...he could just fly to me and we could talk.

He emailed back and said he was heartbroken but that he thinks it's best that we move on.   He said he wishes me well.

I haven't replied.  I am so sad.  I guess I had hoped he would fly to me and tell me he really wants this to work..and he would put in the work.  But....no.  

I'm really sad...I cried and cried last night.  And yeah...I had some wine...but I got up and worked out this morning and I'm trying not to let this overwhelm me.   I just feel like my future is back to ground zero....

[Pumpernickel]

What an ass! Breaking up by e-mail. Sheesh. I’m sorry about that. I feel like you have a good heart and you don’t deserve this. I hope moving on is not too hard on you. ❤️

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

What an ass! Breaking up by e-mail. Sheesh. I’m sorry about that. I feel like you have a good heart and you don’t deserve this. I hope moving on is not too hard on you. ❤️

Well I guess I kinda started it... I emailed him and told him how I was feeling..but I ended it by asking HIM to fly to me instead.  (He was already off work this week due to our plans to go out of town..).   So, I guess I wasn't worth the effort for him to travel to me?

Someone recently said I needed to realize I was basically a woman he was using for fun and sex ...and arrived right at his door ... and when I stopped arriving at his door and made him come to me...  that he probably would show his true colors.

And guess what... that's exactly what happened.  I'm devastated...but trying to understand that I can't waste even MORE time giving and giving...

[Pumpernickel]

How’re you doing @howwouldiknownow22?

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are in this situation, OP.  You know he is getting drunk too much and encouraging you to drink.  You are both drinking and relying on alcohol.

You need to contact your doctor about programmes to help you off the alcohol - though I appreciate it is hard when you are working.

I think you already know deep down that you need AA.  If you haven't tried this already, it may help.  There will be support there, people to talk to.

It sounds like your boyfriend is not yet ready to reduce his alcohol intake.  He sees you trying to control your intake as a threat.  I know you don't want to be alone but getting off alcohol is going to be harder if you stay with him.  He will do his best to undermine you.

At the same time, maybe you need to ask yourself whether you are staying with him partly because he legitimises you drinking?  He makes it seem ok and he is enabling you.  You know you will struggle to recover yourself if you stay with him.

Good luck, you have a battle ahead and I feel you need and deserve the right kind of help to support you through this.

Edited August 28, 2021 by spiderowl

[spiderowl]

On 8/16/2021 at 3:37 PM, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I just watched the trailer for the movie... and yes, it is an eye opener and it is concerning.  I am worried about myself..   as well.  What I know about this situation is that things won't improve ...with him.  I'm just so concerned that "I" am taking a turn for the worse too.  He's not even here with me this week and I've been drinking heavily all on my own.  So... I'm not sure how to feel.  I sound like a hypocrite but also like someone who sees myself on the figurative train tracks... 

I don't think you are a hypocrite, OP, you are questioning things and you sense you are at a crossroads with regard to your own drinking.  It sounds to me like you have insight into that.

The thing about alcohol is it is not just the amount that is drunk but the regularity of it.  Someone who 'needs' a glass of wine every day is putting themselves at risk because they are drinking regularly.  I love wine.  I have about 10 bottles in the house, mostly gifts from colleagues on Birthdays and Christmas.  I have only ever drunk them when I have a guest or guests around.  I saw a friend of mine become an alcoholic and he eventually died from liver failure.  He was brilliant, talented, witty, kind, and he is such a loss.  I saw how he became hooked - the odd drink in the evenings, then a beer or two at night to relax after work, then a bit more beer during the day until he was hooked.  He married twice and both wives left him; they adored him, loved him, but were sad as they knew they couldn't stop him drinking.  The last time I saw him I visited and he had a fall.  He hit his head against the wall and was out of it for a while.  I was worried about a head injury.  The paramedics came and he was awake by then.  It turned out it wasn't the first time they had been there.  

I guess my point is that much as I love wine and would enjoy it to relax in the evenings, I am aware of the dangers of drinking even a small amount regularly.  You do need to be concerned about your drinking and you know that.  You know this guy is not helping you to reduce the drinking at the moment.  If you really want to try and make a go of it with him (despite the sexual behaviour that you do not like) then you need to tackle this directly with him - not treat it like it's a drinking holiday but drinking as an issue for both of you, otherwise you are just covering over the real nature of the problem.  If you both agree that it is becoming an issue, then, together, you can work on this.  However, judging by his attitude when you wanted to decline for a while, he is not going your way on this.

There is hope if you split up.  There is no doubt that a break-up is painful - you lose all the good things, the feeling of physical comfort and the idea that someone cares - but you can find that again with someone who doesn't have these flaws.

Update: Sorry, just read through the rest of your postings, OP.  I'm sorry this guy isn't prepared to go to any trouble for you.  I guess it does show his true character.  It is no reflection on you but it reflects badly on him.  

You will be shocked and hurt for a while but the the feelings will fade and turn into relief that you do not have to try to make this impossible situation work any longer.  You deserve someone kind and enthusiastic who is nearer to you (and loves dogs).  You sound a lovely, organised, energetic and talented woman.  The right guy is going to be thrilled to meet you.

Edited August 28, 2021 by spiderowl
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