How do I deal with forgiving my sister's MIL and SIL?

[passionfruits]

I need to get this off my chest. It's a bit long so bear with me. I (29 F) have a hard time forgiving my older sister Cindy's (36 F) MIL and SIL. Those 2 women were her former tormentors in the past. I can't stand hearing nor seeing anyone making her suffer.

Backstory: Long ago when she dated her now husband (36 M), the guy's mother and sister treated her horrible and made her cry. They tried everything to make them break up, even lied about her cheating, spreading nasty rumos, defaming her character to others. The worst was when the guy's sister got drunk once and literally assaulted Cindy by kicking her hard on her butt with her shoes (leaving bruises) and tossing her out of a social gathering. The guy's mother laughed at the scene and clapped her hands. It was horror for her for 4 years in their relationship; years of torment.

I guess karma took care of them. His mother had a stomach tumor removed and was on medications for years. The sister has a condition where she can't carry a baby full-term. A year before their engagement, both of the women were asking and begging for my sister's forgiveness, claiming things will be different, promises to never do those things to anyone, etc.

Present-day: It's been many years later by now, Cindy's 2 kids are in their early teens and they all get along great. My sister came to really adoring them. She now sees them as her 2nd family. She isn't being nice just out of courtesy. She really likes them and vice-versa. I'm still left wondering how does this work? If my sister were watching a movie about bullies, gossiping or horrible MILS, wouldn't that trigger her to those bad years? How can I forgive her tormentors? I have to admit they did stayed true to their promises and words, have shown through actions over the years. Even though they became better, nicer people, I'm having a hard time. When they hurt Cindy it's like they hurt me too.

Update: Recently her MIL did again apologized but my sister's reply was an ''I already forgave both of you a long time ago, no need to apologize. All forgiven and forgotten.'' I'm speechless to be honest. I just don't get it. She was the one so affected and she was able to forgive to the point of liking them. I don't know how to get that horrible image out of my mind of them tormenting her.

Edited August 15, 2021 by passionfruits

[Wiseman2]

Ok. They're not your in-laws so don't worry about it. You really don't have to deal with them.

Keep in mind they are the kids' grandparents and aunt.

All you can do is enjoy being an aunt and if you don't like her in-laws, avoid them.

[d0nnivain]

If your sister forgave them,  then you can too.  You can be cool but actively hostile serves no one, especially not your sister or her kids.  

You still being hung up on this is them living rent free in your head.  This is just a weighty anchor around your neck that you don't need.  

[passionfruits]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

If your sister forgave them,  then you can too.  You can be cool but actively hostile serves no one, especially not your sister or her kids.  

You still being hung up on this is them living rent free in your head.  This is just a weighty anchor around your neck that you don't need.  

I still don't understand how she was able to forgive them after what they did back then. If I was her, I would be keeping them at arm's length forever. I wouldn't ever be able to have a close relationship with them, much less like them. I would have triggers forever. How my sister did it...I don't know. I'm impressed.

[passionfruits]

Wiseman2,

They're ok, sweet people. Even my own parents like them. Well neither my sister nor I told them what they were like. Thing is if I had not known what they did to my sister (if I were kept in the dark like our parents were), I wouldn't have issues with nor anything against them. Once I knew how horrible they were to her in the past, it's like no matter how remorseful they can be nor the changes they really made, that bad image of them as tormentors stays in me.

I really wish I could forgive. If there was a way to forgive all what they did to her that would be cool. Some days I find myself trying but it's hard. I just don't get it. I have a hard time while my sister was able to forgive and even sincerely adores them....wow

Edited August 15, 2021 by passionfruits

[BaileyB]

Holding resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. 

Ten years ago, my mother passed away shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer. Two months after her passing, my father was dating another woman and shortly after that - she was living in my mother’s home. 

Oh, I had a lot of feelings. I was very angry. They worked very hard to repair the relationship, but I wanted the karma bus to hit her hard… After a certain amount of time, I realized that they were living their lives. I was the person who was suffering, because I continued to hold onto the anger and resentment that I felt. Slowly, I started to let go of the anger… I tried to just live in the moment, I had no expectations, and I tried to appreciate the fact that my dad (who I loved) was happy. It was hard, it took a long time… but, I had to do it because I didn’t want to be the person suffering…

Let this go. They are not your in laws. If you love your sister, trust her judgment. If she says it is forgiven, forgive. It’s time to move on… lest you be the only person still suffering. 

Edited August 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[spiritedaway2003]

Sometimes the past is just the past.  Your sister is the type that sees redeeming qualities in others.  And if the SIL and MIL have proven their apologies, not only in words but in actions over the years (and it seemed that they have), then try to let it go.  Obviously, you are hurt because you sister (someone you care about) got hurt.  You are being a good sister by wanting to watch out for your sister's interests, but don't hold those resentments too close to your heart.

If you don't like the sister's SIL or MIL, you can stay away or don't interact with them much.  You don't have to like them.  But let those resentments go instead of festering inside of you for years and years.  It's hurting you far more than any of them.

[glows]

On 8/15/2021 at 9:11 AM, passionfruits said:

I still don't understand how she was able to forgive them after what they did back then. If I was her, I would be keeping them at arm's length forever. I wouldn't ever be able to have a close relationship with them, much less like them. I would have triggers forever. How my sister did it...I don't know. I'm impressed.

You don’t have to understand it but you do have to accept it and respect your sister’s choices. I’m referring to her choices at present, now, today and the way she treats others or wants to be treated or the way she is being treated (differently) by her SIL or MIL.

Don’t dwell on this or let it overtake all the other good things that are happening in your own life. 

 

[d0nnivain]

So talk to your sister.  Ask her how she did it.  Tell her that you want to stick up for her & carry that grudge on her behalf but since she forgave them you know you must so ask her for her secret.  

[samsungxoxo]

If they aren't tormenting your sister anymore and she is treated as a family now then frankly the case is long closed. They are all on good terms with them and you aren't doing any favors by holding on to the grudge. There is nothing to fight for anything. Things have been solved. 

Those two women displayed what my bf and I would've been happy if my mother had done: true remorse with consistency in her actions. Unlike your sister's MIL and SIL, my mother treated my bf poorly, issued him a fake apology and still expected him to win her over by bringing her gifts and good perfumes. Till this day, she doesn't recognize her wrongs. That's sad. It's very rare for in-laws to have true remorse and do a 180 but when that happens, it's a miracle. At least some people are able to see their errors and amend them. My mother will never get to that point.

Edited August 17, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[passionfruits]

I find the replies quite interesting. I've followed Donnivain's suggestion on asking my sister about it. I've kept quiet about the topic for the longest (being cordial to them out of respect for her) but decided to break the silence.

Needless to say it was a total surprise to her that I was still hurt about it. Just like I couldn't understand how she forgave and forgot, she couldn't comprehend how is it possible to still linger about something so ancient that has been worked out ages ago, where trust has already been gained too. The answer to my question is her road to forgiving them started when she had a couple similar likes to them (ex: liking the same cake), their remorse got followed by actions and she simply saw the great qualities that it conquered the past negative ones and in her words, they became kind souls since and she loves them. 

No one else is hurt but me. All I see on the reunions is a big, happy family without dramas; my sister got what she wanted after all. I guess I got nothing left but try forgiving them.