Obssessed

[all over the place]

Hi, 

I have been looking for a place to talk about what I am going through and maybe find some insight from others around me. 

Let me just start by saying I have done counseling and it did help. 

I had been with my fiancé for 7 years when I found out the worst. Back in March of 2020 I found out that he had been cheating on me with another woman for almost 2 years. I actually had no idea because I trusted him so much. One of the things I always valued in our relationship was how much trust we had in each other which is also why I never caught on. We had some pretty rough patches dealing with a out of control teen ager but at the same time our love  life was lacking as well. This was my fault, he constantly begged to be seen by me but I was checked out. Instead of leaving me he stepped out. He said he did this because he had hope. However, we were getting better for months. We decided to have another baby and things were feeling great again between us until this.

I was 18 weeks pregnant when I found out what was going on. As soon as I found out he did stop all communication with her. The girl had no idea about me and it was all one big secret. She was very nice and was honest and said the day I found out she had not heard from him. Needless to say he was doing everything right. I have moments where we and I feel so much stronger. Because we were forced to see what we were doing wrong. However, we are well over a year and I still think about it. I still think of the nasty lies and me being pregnant. The trust isn't even back. I have no idea what to do or where to begin. Some days I consider leaving completely. Oh and I still followed through and got married. I felt great felt like a new beginning was happening for us. And it is wonderful I still cant get rid of the pain and sometimes just want to leave. 

I obsess over her and what they did. I never thought I would be here. :(

[stillafool]

I'm so sorry to hear this as it must be hard trying to move on with your marriage knowing he was unfaithful during your pregnancy.  How long have you been married after the affair was over?  Does he know you had to go through therapy after his affair?  The OW is gone now, (right?) with no contact between them since it ended (right?).  What is he doing to prove to you this will not happen again?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

42 minutes ago, all over the place said:

Oh and I still followed through and got married.

😞  Long road ahead for you I'm afraid.  Did you discuss getting married with your counselor before you did it?

Might it be helpful to get back into counseling now?

[mark clemson]

52 minutes ago, all over the place said:

 Because we were forced to see what we were doing wrong. However, we are well over a year and I still think about it.

Some people have an easier time dealing with this than others. And 2 years is a long time for this to be continuing.

If the intent is to move past it, consider seeing an individual therapist. Make sure you get a good one with lots of experience. Some small % are "weirdos" and others have their own agendas, so don't hesitate to shop around if you feel they are doing more harm than good or are a waste of money.

[glows]

47 minutes ago, all over the place said:

Hi, 

I have been looking for a place to talk about what I am going through and maybe find some insight from others around me. 

Let me just start by saying I have done counseling and it did help. 

I had been with my fiancé for 7 years when I found out the worst. Back in March of 2020 I found out that he had been cheating on me with another woman for almost 2 years. I actually had no idea because I trusted him so much. One of the things I always valued in our relationship was how much trust we had in each other which is also why I never caught on. We had some pretty rough patches dealing with a out of control teen ager but at the same time our love  life was lacking as well. This was my fault, he constantly begged to be seen by me but I was checked out. Instead of leaving me he stepped out. He said he did this because he had hope. However, we were getting better for months. We decided to have another baby and things were feeling great again between us until this.

I was 18 weeks pregnant when I found out what was going on. As soon as I found out he did stop all communication with her. The girl had no idea about me and it was all one big secret. She was very nice and was honest and said the day I found out she had not heard from him. Needless to say he was doing everything right. I have moments where we and I feel so much stronger. Because we were forced to see what we were doing wrong. However, we are well over a year and I still think about it. I still think of the nasty lies and me being pregnant. The trust isn't even back. I have no idea what to do or where to begin. Some days I consider leaving completely. Oh and I still followed through and got married. I felt great felt like a new beginning was happening for us. And it is wonderful I still cant get rid of the pain and sometimes just want to leave. 

I obsess over her and what they did. I never thought I would be here.

What did your counsellor advise? 

Is the teen from a previous marriage? It is not your fault that he cheated on you. That was a choice he made. 

I would find counselling in private and think about whether you can continue a relationship with no trust. The marriage is a farce without trust.

[all over the place]

I’m so thankful to get some responses thank you all. I did not expect it! 
thank you all and everyone seems to agree that counseling would do me well! I will definitely do it.  thank you! 🙏  

[pepperbird2]

Counseling may rally help you.

As a former BS who i celebrating her 24th anniversary today with my former WH, I can say it is possible to reconcile, but it' not for everyone. You have to do what's right for you and your family. Give yourself time to sort through everything in your mind and heart. counseling is very important ( find one you get on well with, you may have to try a few) and be kind to yourself. Build a strong support network you can call on, take time each day to be kind to yourself. Eat well, try and rest if you can, go for walks ( I must have put a few thousand KM on my feet post my husband's affair) , if you find self help books useful,  turn to them.

I would also advise you to speak to a lawyer. I'm not suggesting automatic divorce, just that the more information you have, the better. You'll be able to make informed decisions, and your world won't feel like it's spinning out of control so much.

With respect to trust-boy do I know where you're coming from. In  That was one of the hardest part for me I don't trust very easily ( if at all) and he was the one person I let "in".  Now, we will never be fully "in" again I can live with that, and we've talked about it a lot.

Finally, please don't blame yourself for this. In spite of what some might say/think, this is NOT your fault.  You could have been the world's most beautiful woman who is also a perfect mom. You could have the best kept house, the biggest bank account and be able to provide porn star quality sex, and he may well have gone along his merry road to infidelity anyway. that' because people don't cheat because of what other's do, they cheat because there's something inside them that , at least at that point in time, says it's okay. They feel their needs trump anything else. They come first. It's a pretty sad place to be being the BS and knowing that, but it can and does get better. Some WS can't face what they've done, and will always blame their BS for somehow "making" them cheat. Others will have some self awareness and realize the responsibility lies with them.

[all over the place]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

Counseling may rally help you.

As a former BS who i celebrating her 24th anniversary today with my former WH, I can say it is possible to reconcile, but it' not for everyone. You have to do what's right for you and your family. Give yourself time to sort through everything in your mind and heart. counseling is very important ( find one you get on well with, you may have to try a few) and be kind to yourself. Build a strong support network you can call on, take time each day to be kind to yourself. Eat well, try and rest if you can, go for walks ( I must have put a few thousand KM on my feet post my husband's affair) , if you find self help books useful,  turn to them.

I would also advise you to speak to a lawyer. I'm not suggesting automatic divorce, just that the more information you have, the better. You'll be able to make informed decisions, and your world won't feel like it's spinning out of control so much.

With respect to trust-boy do I know where you're coming from. In  That was one of the hardest part for me I don't trust very easily ( if at all) and he was the one person I let "in".  Now, we will never be fully "in" again I can live with that, and we've talked about it a lot.

Finally, please don't blame yourself for this. In spite of what some might say/think, this is NOT your fault.  You could have been the world's most beautiful woman who is also a perfect mom. You could have the best kept house, the biggest bank account and be able to provide porn star quality sex, and he may well have gone along his merry road to infidelity anyway. that' because people don't cheat because of what other's do, they cheat because there's something inside them that , at least at that point in time, says it's okay. They feel their needs trump anything else. They come first. It's a pretty sad place to be being the BS and knowing that, but it can and does get better. Some WS can't face what they've done, and will always blame their BS for somehow "making" them cheat. Others will have some self awareness and realize the responsibility lies with them.

Hi, 

 

Thank you so much for responding to me and the kind words. When I went to counseling they did tell me a lot of people come out stronger from it. And I see you have in your personal journey. 

I completely understand viewing all options and sorting through the emotions. Do  you feel that your emotions got better over time? I feel I have clung to the idea that it will pass and everyday it feels it is not. But I also worry I would almost regret leaving too. So I am definitely confused, ugh! 

Blaming myself was the number one thing my counselor had to talk to me about. Because that's all I did and I was constantly angry that I did not see it right in my face. The way I found out was a complete fluke. 

Again, thank  you so much for the kind words and responding to my post!

[all over the place]

15 hours ago, glows said:

What did your counsellor advise? 

Is the teen from a previous marriage? It is not your fault that he cheated on you. That was a choice he made. 

I would find counselling in private and think about whether you can continue a relationship with no trust. The marriage is a farce without trust.

Oh no. She wasnt a teen and she wasn't from a previous marriage. They met at his job, and well that's how that begun. Thank  you. He did make that choice and I don't always understand why! I do agree I could use more counseling. Thank you!

[all over the place]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some people have an easier time dealing with this than others. And 2 years is a long time for this to be continuing.

If the intent is to move past it, consider seeing an individual therapist. Make sure you get a good one with lots of experience. Some small % are "weirdos" and others have their own agendas, so don't hesitate to shop around if you feel they are doing more harm than good or are a waste of money.

Thank you! And yes it definitely is, that is why I think it is also very difficult to move past it. I will definitely be going back to counseling. 

[all over the place]

16 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm so sorry to hear this as it must be hard trying to move on with your marriage knowing he was unfaithful during your pregnancy.  How long have you been married after the affair was over?  Does he know you had to go through therapy after his affair?  The OW is gone now, (right?) with no contact between them since it ended (right?).  What is he doing to prove to you this will not happen again?

Thank you, The OW is completely out of the picture. Its kind of funny because her and I never had a problem with each other. She was very nice and honestly respectful of me. She had no idea he had a whole family at home. So my issue is never with her it was always with him. Yes no contact at all he is open, honest and has honestly done everything right to make up for this. But it just never feels like it will be good enough. And sometimes I let him know that when I am upset which isn't fair. When I first had my daughter I was so angry at him all over again. Because they were not using protection so his self fish was could have really hurt us!

[glows]

I'm sorry you're still hurt and struggling. Yes, I think talking about your concerns with a counsellor or therapist is best. You'll have a trained person and a sounding board for your concerns and how best to navigate this depending on your biggest struggles or hurdles surrounding trust in your marriage. I think what you should keep at the forefront that you staying is a choice also that you're consciously making. In making that choice, you are not helpless. You are not helpless either in what you choose to do with your misgivings or your emotions. That might empower you to work towards repairing that trust on your part. 

I don't condone cheating but I am stepping into your shoes and putting myself in your place here because it sounds like you want to give this a second chance.

[Amethyst68]

Unfortunately you are still early in the process of reconciliation. People who have been through it say it often takes 3-5yrs if not longer to be fully reconciled and it takes a lot of work from both parties.

IC is probably a good idea for both of you now before any MC. You also need to forget the notion that it isn't fair to ask your WH questions about the affairs, he had a Long Term Affair (LTA) and he should be doing everything he can to help you get through the devastation he caused, if that means answering 50 versions of the same question then so be it.

See that lawyer and don't stop being vigilant just yet. Not all affairs stop just because these spouse finds out. 

[elaine567]

The man lied to your face for 2 whole years.
He also apparently lied to his OW too and he persuaded you to have a baby whilst he was cheating on you...
How on earth can you ever trust him? What kind of a man does that? Not a good one, I would suggest.

Yes, counselling can "maybe" put this huge betrayal of trust more to the back of your mind but  it still happened and will need a lot of mental gymnastics on your part to ever make it OK.
You are finding it difficult as for 2 whole years he pulled the wool over your eyes and for all you know he is still doing it...

This a similar story to one we had a few weeks ago, but from the viewpoint of the OW. 2 years of hiding the truth from both women, (unprotected sex too.)
BUT she is still seeing him despite now knowing he is married as she loves him. 

Not only do cheating men lie. their OWs may do so too as their loyalty lies with their lover, NOT YOU.
Do not take all she says as the gospel truth.