Can't believe I'm here again. Found the LOML, bought a house together and one month before we move in, he has left me because he has doubts.

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Would they really be the “LOML” if they don’t even want to be with you? 

And have also cheated on you before, as this guy did to OP. 

The love of your life won't behave this way, @KissingFire

[KissingFire]

On 9/2/2021 at 6:36 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

And have also cheated on you before, as this guy did to OP. 

The love of your life won't behave this way, @KissingFire

I am beginning to see the light that this man was a liar and a manipulator and maybe I did indeed have a lucky escape.  [ ] but until now a small part of me loved him deeply and wanted to jump at the chance of defending him.

However, today he posted a photo of a girl on Facebook. She weirdly looks like his mum which doesn’t surprise me. We’re still friends on FB as he hasn’t reached out to me about the finance/deposit money which is infuriating as I refuse to message him first and have blocked his Instagram and number. (Didn’t trust myself to not call him when I went out clubbing on Saturday.) 

So yeah. He posted a photo of her on their (presumed) date. Mini golf or whatever. I can count on one hand the amount of times he ever posted about me, and he’s known her less than a month. It knocked the wind out of my sails. I cried and then got angry. Really [ ]  angry. How dare he do this to me, knowing I’d see it. He well and truly does not care about me at all. This time last month he was telling me I was the light of his life. Now he’s posting other girls on fb along with gym selfies (very out of character for him.) 

I wanted to be immature [ ] and post a stirring comment, but I refrained. I didn’t want to give any sort of indication that I cared at all. I’m driving up some point this week to collect my furniture still at his and if he doesn’t message me by the end of the week about my damn money, then I’ll just have to break NC because this is getting ridiculous. 

I am so shocked that a man I truly loved could treat me this way. I sacrificed so much for him. I made him dinner every night. I soothed him when he had a crap shift. I did too much. I wanted so badly for him to come back to me and tell me he was wrong, but now I can’t stand the sight of him. Bizarre how in two weeks, we can go from best friends and lovers to total strangers. He posted a weird preachy video on the importance of mental health, yet never once asked about me or how my mental health would be affected by posting that photo of that girl. 

In other news, I’m loving my new car. I have created new friends and repaired older friendships. Work has been awesome and I’m starting to write my book again. I’m down a stone and hell, I even went for coffee with a cute guy today and it went well. He’s 100% aware of what’s going on and hasn’t tried anything and has been polite and refreshingly honest and cool. He doesn’t give me a pity parade and it feels good to just talk to someone new. I’m not ready to date yet and he knows it but he seems like a genuine guy. 

I will be okay. I have to trust that everything happens for a reason. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Your story is very sad.  I’m sorry you are going through this.

I’ve learned to never lose myself completely when in a relationship.  You should always maintain your own identity.  Then a breakup won’t be so devastating.

I have felt the devastation too. 
 

Anyway, glad you are moving in the right direction and getting as far away as you can from this idiot scumbag.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, KissingFire said:

if he doesn’t message me by the end of the week about my damn money, then I’ll just have to break NC because this is getting ridiculous. 

I would just go ahead and do so now. 

He's not going to not be an ass by the end of the week, and I would personally not let pride stand in my way of getting my money back now. I would get that sorted and then delete him forever. I would get him out of your life in every way possible, as soon as possible. 

He's not the man you wanted him to be, and it doesn't sound like he ever truly was, deep-down. 

[Wiseman2]

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Follow up on anything financial and sever all ties. Make sure you collect your belongings and make sure you are reimbursed for any costs.

Rather than clubbing, consult an attorney.

[KissingFire]

7 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Your story is very sad.  I’m sorry you are going through this.

I’ve learned to never lose myself completely when in a relationship.  You should always maintain your own identity.  Then a breakup won’t be so devastating.

I have felt the devastation too.

Anyway, glad you are moving in the right direction and getting as far away as you can from this idiot scumbag.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the sweet message. I just can't believe the pain I've had to endure these past few years... As if being in a physically abusive relationship wasn't enough. This pain hurts worse weirdly enough. At least with my ex before this one, I came out stronger. Inspired. I raised money for charity. I became independant and I started to trust myself. I think I did lose my creativity in becoming a housewife and being dangled this wonderful dream. But that's all it was. The house was never mine really. It's not even his as he hasn't put a penny towards it so far whereas I had given up everything, every penny I had went on furniture.

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would just go ahead and do so now. 

He's not going to not be an ass by the end of the week, and I would personally not let pride stand in my way of getting my money back now. I would get that sorted and then delete him forever. I would get him out of your life in every way possible, as soon as possible. 

He's not the man you wanted him to be, and it doesn't sound like he ever truly was, deep-down. 

I think this is best as well. Could anyone help me with what to say? I don't trust myself not to get emotional if I call, so maybe something like -

"Hello S. Could we arrange a date and time to sort out finances and the furniture please? Thank you."

Yeah. I guess maybe I got swept up in how wonderful he was at the start. I felt truly cherished and so lucky. I used to feel really smug about how he was buying a house with me after 2.5 years and he never did that with his ex. I feel awful for her now. I guess that's my karma. I can't stop thinking about her. Now I'm in exactly the same position, except for her it was probably worse as she spent 5 years with him.

I guess all this rubbish about "wanting to be alone and single" was BS. I had my doubts anyway as that's usually guy code for "I'm seeing someone else but don't want to hurt your feelings." I've been given that exact speech before about 5 times lol.

I'm doing okay. Work is helping. I woke up and my jaw was really tense so I guess I've been grinding my teeth all night. 

Edited September 7, 2021 by KissingFire

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, KissingFire said:

I think this is best as well. Could anyone help me with what to say? I don't trust myself not to get emotional if I call, so maybe something like -

"Hello S. Could we arrange a date and time to sort out finances and the furniture please? Thank you."

Yeah. I guess maybe I got swept up in how wonderful he was at the start. I felt truly cherished and so lucky. I used to feel really smug about how he was buying a house with me after 2.5 years and he never did that with his ex. I feel awful for her now. I guess that's my karma.

It's not karma. It was simply hope that he had changed. 

But cheating at the very beginning is always a bad sign. I understand that you wanted to forgive him and believe he was different. But he just wasn't. He is the same guy he has always been, it seems. 

As for what to say in your message to him, I would name a date and time to speak, and ask if he is available then. Make this on your terms now. 

[d0nnivain]

You are stronger than you know.  It's OK if you get emotional.  This hurts.  It's not OK to take him back.  

[KissingFire]

On 9/7/2021 at 9:44 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It's not karma. It was simply hope that he had changed. 

But cheating at the very beginning is always a bad sign. I understand that you wanted to forgive him and believe he was different. But he just wasn't. He is the same guy he has always been, it seems. 

As for what to say in your message to him, I would name a date and time to speak, and ask if he is available then. Make this on your terms now. 

I'm still processing a lot of things. I am in so much pain, I feel like I'm back at square one. I cannot believe someone I loved, protected and defended so much would deliberately hurt me like this by putting that photo of her on his FB. I don't even know him any more. My whole life has changed in one month. Regardless of the cheating and everything... Accepting that he left me for someone else after everything I have done for him hurts so so much. I cannot believe I took him back. I should have ran when I had the chance.

21 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You are stronger than you know.  It's OK if you get emotional.  This hurts.  It's not OK to take him back.  

Thank you. 😿 It doesn't feel that way right now. I can't stop thinking about everything. I wouldn't take him back now, he is not the kind, gentle man I fell for. Maybe he never was.

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

I cannot believe someone I loved, protected and defended so much would deliberately hurt me like this by putting that photo of her on his FB

It really seems quite mind-boggling to have posted that, knowing you would see it. My guess is that something has been going on between them for a little while and now they are going "public" with it. His mom seemed to be hinting at something in her messages to you to put him behind you - and this is likely what it was. It says a lot about him, and it's not good. I can see why you're reeling. 

47 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

I loved, protected and defended so much

Curious if this is just a figure of speech. If not, what were you protecting and defending him from? 

[KissingFire]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It really seems quite mind-boggling to have posted that, knowing you would see it. My guess is that something has been going on between them for a little while and now they are going "public" with it. His mom seemed to be hinting at something in her messages to you to put him behind you - and this is likely what it was. It says a lot about him, and it's not good. I can see why you're reeling.

Yeah I wondered why his mother and friend were pushing me to move on. I just don't understand why he'd go and pick furniture with me, have me sign up to four years of finance and then celebrate it when he was speaking to other people. Who does that?

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Curious if this is just a figure of speech. If not, what were you protecting and defending him from? 

I meant when we broke up. Everyone was telling me what a jackass he is and how he's a monster. I hated how much I wanted to protect him.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

You need to go dark and not look at his online pages.  Doing so will hold you back on your healing.  It is better that you do not know the details of his life.

[KissingFire]

I am really struggling today. I feel like I'm not making progress anymore. Knowing I have to see him and face him at some point after flaunting his (quite frankly, ugly) date on FB knowing I would see it. It has broken me all over again.

I cherished him. I couldn't have loved him any more if I tried. I cooked for him every night, I hosted his friends whenever he wanted. I rubbed his feet after a long shift. I soothed him when he was having nightmares from a murder-suicide he attended. I bought flowers for his mum when she was ill. I took so many photos of him, I showed him off whenever I got the chance. He hardly ever put photos of me up on social media, only for special occasions. He plays mini golf with this girl once... Once!!! How long has he been talking to her? Did he meet her on that night out where he said everything changed for him? Had he already cheated on me again? Did he know he was going to leave when we signed the documents for the house? When we bought the furniture? [ ]  I guess I should get tested at some point, right?

My heart cannot take it. I'm not going to do anything but I have been having very dark thoughts over the last week. How dare he do this to me. 😿

Edited September 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

I guess I should get tested at some point, right?

Absolutely, yes. Make an appointment as soon as possible. He sounds shady and it's anyone's guess if he continued having sex with someone else while you were together. I wouldn't risk my health for it. 

I am really sorry you're having a hard time. It's totally normal given the huge shock, and it's normal to not have made much progress yet. This is all so fresh. 

Is there any way most of the logistics could be handled without having to spend much time in his presence? 

[spiderowl]

15 hours ago, KissingFire said:

I am really struggling today. I feel like I'm not making progress anymore. Knowing I have to see him and face him at some point after flaunting his (quite frankly, ugly) date on FB knowing I would see it. It has broken me all over again.

I cherished him. I couldn't have loved him any more if I tried. I cooked for him every night, I hosted his friends whenever he wanted. I rubbed his feet after a long shift. I soothed him when he was having nightmares from a murder-suicide he attended. I bought flowers for his mum when she was ill. I took so many photos of him, I showed him off whenever I got the chance. He hardly ever put photos of me up on social media, only for special occasions. He plays mini golf with this girl once... Once!!! How long has he been talking to her? Did he meet her on that night out where he said everything changed for him? Had he already cheated on me again? Did he know he was going to leave when we signed the documents for the house? When we bought the furniture? [ ]  I guess I should get tested at some point, right?

My heart cannot take it. I'm not going to do anything but I have been having very dark thoughts over the last week. How dare he do this to me. 😿

I am sorry you are going through this KissingFire.  I hope that the anger you are feeling will carry you through this.  [ ] 

Do you think you always put more into the relationship than him?  It sounds like it from what you've said.

He sounds like a self-absorbed kind of guy, taking support and care from others but actually being rather selfish.

Going by what you have said, he may also be a fantasist, living two lives - one in real life with his girlfriend and another with his fantasy girl.  Some men seem able to compartmentalise in order to have affairs or live a double life.  You can never trust someone like that; they are always 'leaching out' into their other life.

I know his mother sounds patronising to you and others.  Her messages upset you, understandably.  One thing worth remembering is that her son must be a real embarrassment to her.  She is trying to show her care for you in the most neutral way possible whilst not slagging him off.  She must have thought long and hard over that message.  After all, how do you say 'I'm sorry but my pig of a son has embarrassed us again.  I hope you recover from this and do not look back.  He made this decision, much against our wishes, and there is nothing we can do now but cope.'

Edited September 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[IrinaM]

it's been almost a month since you started this thread. I haven't read any updates on you getting your money back, or getting your name off the mortgage or anything like that. The important stuff. this man is a creep and manipulator and dusty af. He is not too decent to steal your money or scam you. You need to see an attorney now.

I have a bad feeling that you will be so consumed with grieving this relationship that you won't bother following up with any of that for another year or so, when it finally sinks in that this conman sold you on a fairy tale. At that point, your options to get your money back will have dwindled or disappeared.

It doesn't matter that he promised you babies and weddings. Key word: "promised." Face the reality of the situation, and deal with the financial part.

[KissingFire]

Hi all.

I was actually going to call him tomorrow on day 30 of NC. However, I finally heard from him today. (tweaked slightly to not give away too many details.)

"Hey, Kissingfire.

I know we have a lot of things to sort out, I guess I don't really know how to go about it all. What days are you free next week to sort stuff out regarding the money and furniture/finances? I'll send back the money I got from you as well. Do you want any stuff back that you bought for the house? Let me know and I'll box it up for you. x"

I feel sick to my stomach, panic attacks galore. I have been dreaming about him every night. I have called in sick to work because my insides feel like they're on fire. I don't know how to feel and I haven't responded yet. I knew this day would come. I guess a small, sick part of me hoped maybe he would change his mind. Show up at my door and beg for forgiveness. I know that is just a twisted fantasy and how could I ever trust him again? Even if he did show up, I don't know if I could ever take him back. The man I knew and loved and cherished so dearly is gone. Hell, I don't even know if he was ever really that man to begin with.

I don't want to see him. I am afraid I'll be emotional and out of control. I'm thinking of responding with;

"I'm free next friday. Does that work for you?"

And leave it at that.

Any advice?

(Also, sorry mods about the swearing. I was very emotional, I will refrain from that in the future.)

Edited September 15, 2021 by KissingFire

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, KissingFire said:

I'm thinking of responding with;

"I'm free next friday. Does that work for you?"

Make sure all your money, investments and stuff are returned. Bring a trusted friend not only for moral support but as a witness and to keep things as objective and neutral as possible.

[KissingFire]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure all your money, investments and stuff are returned. Bring a trusted friend not only for moral support but as a witness and to keep things as objective and neutral as possible.

That's a great idea. My mother wants to go with me but I'm not sure I trust her to behave without cutting his.... acorns off. She is furious that he has hurt me so bad. I will see if my friend is free that friday before sending the message.

[Nothanks]

Look at this now as a business transaction and you are there to get your property back.  Keep your mom out of it. Bring a friend. Don’t talk to him about how you feel or your relationship.  I know it is hard but…your goal is to get your property back and he could make that difficult if it spirals into a discussion about who did what, how he hurt you etc.

Once that is over, feel free to blast him and his Mom if you want. She is trying to manage her baby boy’s image. I’d send one last message to him and his Mom saying that now that you know who he truly is (a manipulative liar who uses people), you want nothing to do with either of them anymore. No further contact.

You don’t see this now but you dodged a bullet here. You are young with a whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste one more second crying over this guy.  Turn sadness into anger, get your money back, and then move on with your life.  And if he gets sad or lonely (or drunk) and reaches out to say “sorry” because he misses you (is horny), shut that down HARD.  Tell him you will be seeking legal recourse to stop his harassment.  That should do the trick.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, KissingFire said:

That's a great idea. My mother wants to go with me but I'm not sure I trust her to behave without cutting his.... acorns off. She is furious that he has hurt me so bad. I will see if my friend is free that friday before sending the message.

I think this is a good idea. 

Mom is likely to Lorena Bobbitt him if she sees him in person, so it's better to bring someone a little more neutral.