RRJ Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 Hi all, I'm not one to publicly reach out for advice on my personal life - I'm generally a private person, but I'm at the end of my rope and feel unable to talk to my boyfriend about it anymore (he gets angry and shuts me down). To start, I've never been openly cheated on before, though suspicions were present in a couple prior relationships, the relationships ended long before anything came of them. This man has been the only person I've been able to be myself around. My family met him and loved him before I did. We have a 23 year age gap which leaves me pushing 30 and him close to 50. He had just come out of a 16 year long, supposedly unhappy relationship. He told me I "woke him up" from being checked out in life and that we are meant to be together. We have been together 6 years now and have more seriously been talking about marriage - him being the one to bring it up most recently. However, since the beginning he has been open about staying friends with his ex, who he has known over 20 years, so it was understandable they remain friends. He led me to believe that they are better as friends and that he hasnt felt sexually or romantically attracted to her in some time. The whole time we've been together, she sends him texts with hearts and kissy faces (which he says she does to all her 'friends'), buys him expensive birthday gifts, groceries (which we talked about making me uncomfortable - she's not his caretaker anymore - and she has since stopped). Most recently, I found out through his email account that she has been sending him money as well. Around Covid, we were having money problems, but he insisted to me that he had some prior investments that he forgot about and we'll be good for another few months. Turns out she's his prior investment. I once caught him lying about seeing her, when he had already promised to let me know when he will see her ahead of time. When asked, he justified his lie by saying that I'm challenging to talk to and he didn't want drama. Now she still sends him "Good morning handsome ❤❤❤", "I wish I was there to rub your neck for you 😙😙." Ect, kind of texts almost every day. Anytime I bring it up, he blames my insecurities and says again they're just friends. What am i suppised to do or think about this? So sorry to go on, but I wanted to give a clearer picture. Any insight, help would be SO appreciated. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 17, 2021 Share Posted August 17, 2021 She's crossing boundaries because he's letting her. I would not marry this guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 OP I think you already know what to do…. but none of this is OK. He’s holding onto her for money and other uses, likely sex when he wants it. I hope you use protection. She thinks she will get him back or enjoyed keeping him needing her? Some weird dynamic happening there. Either way this relationship should be with 2 people not 3, and currently there is 3 and you know, 3s a crowd. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 I agree with @d0nnivain If she's sending these kinds of message he is allowing it. He's blaming you for the way you feel about it, rather than himself for allowing it to happen and that's a massive red flag that he's trying to deflect and make you look like the bad guy. I would be running a mile right about now. They clearly have unfinished business. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 13 hours ago, RRJ said: he gets angry and shuts me down. she has been sending him money as well. I once caught him lying about seeing her, Sorry this is happening. So many red flags from gaslighting to disrespecting and discrediting you to ongoing lovefests with his "ex". Run 👟 👟. He's bad news. I think you already know it's time to end it. He's abusive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2021 Share Posted August 18, 2021 This guy is not a good guy. He's a liar, and sure as hell, he's still involved with her. Why haven't you kicked him to the curb already? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2021 Share Posted August 19, 2021 I would get rid of him. He is shady and there is no way in hell I would continue this relationship, let alone marry him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 25, 2021 Share Posted August 25, 2021 It's all her, but he enables it!!! Is he cheating? Or is he just leading her along and using her? It would feel there is one too many in your R.... Fight harder or walk away? Sometimes better to cut your losses and walk away. How much of a prize is he??? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 I hate the word "gaslighting" and I never use it because it's become a cliche, but this guy is indeed gaslighting you. He's acting completely inappropriately and shady, but whenever you say anything he acts like you're the one who's crazy. I'm just baffled that you are allowing this to continue and haven't already put an end to this. You absolutely need to not marry this guy. Honestly, you need to break up. This guy is openly disrespecting you and you're allowing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 (edited) Listen, many ppl stay friends with exes, but lying about the extent of it to your current partner is unacceptable. Plus, these texts…… rubbing his neck? Good morning, handsome? And secret meetings? Yeah, I don’t think so. How exactly does he reply to those texts and e-mails? I am sure there’s something more going on. Also - what’s his explanation about receiving money from her? She might owe him $$ and now it’s payback time, but still ……. No reason to be secretive about it. Totally shady. You’re NOT insecure. You have every right to question this “friendship”, which I’m sure you’re excluded from. I don’t think the three of you meet for dinner and movies on a regular basis, right? That’s not ok. She’s overstepping boundaries, but so is he. You also have no evidence that she’s the driving force here. Might as well be him….. Edited August 27, 2021 by Pumpernickel Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 (edited) On 8/17/2021 at 1:45 PM, RRJ said: What am i suppised to do or think about this? 1. Girl, he's gaslighting you. Has you lit all the way up. Accept that they have unfinished business and the idea of you doesn't stop that for him. 2. Stop falling for the "sunk cost fallacy". Doesn't matter how long you've been with him, how your family likes him or how much you've put into this: you will not get the ROI on this by sticking around. All that will happen is more of your youth will be squandered behind trying to keep this guy by your side when he clearly has interest with his ex. 3. She can't do any more than what he allows her to do. This isn't about her: it's about him. If he truly was all that into you, she wouldn't be able to get a foothold on him. He'd be too much into you to let himself sink that low. It sounds like he's not even in that universe with you--if he was, this thread wouldn't be here. What would be nice would be for you to get a hold of your dignity and quit allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Don't waste another minute of your youth on him--it's time you'll never get back. Edited September 17, 2021 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 17, 2021 Share Posted September 17, 2021 He and his ex have been in each other's life for well over two decades, do you really foresee it changing anytime soon? If his friendship with this woman is healthy and has clear limits, it will have less of an impact on your relationship than it presently does. Instead, they appear to have quite a close relationship, with you coming in second. The entire dynamic is simply off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts