Wife wants me to handle communications with her ex (parenting)

[riverjunction]

41, recently married after 4 years of dating. I have a pre-teen step son and a great relationship. 

My wife shares custody with her ex and he is an involved and loving father. I do have issues with some of his views and parenting decisions, and he is a bit verbally abusive towards my wife. She also pokes the bear so I put the conflict at 70% him but there are times he is rightfully angry with her. But he does things like continuously threaten to sue for custody just to poke her over nonsensical things. For example today he threatened to sue for custody because last year she got her son the flu vaccine without his consent and therefore she is at risk to give him the "dangerous and superfluous covid vaccine". Yes, both parents should consent to medical decisions but he threatens to throw her in jail for the flu shot. No judge would modify a custody agreement over that and there is not a pattern except twice a month he randomly texts her that she is a criminal and he could throw her in jail. It's abusive. 

My wife has requested that I take over all communications with him. This is in part because she has friends that did this upon remarrying, with the new husband handling communications with the abusive ex, and it removed the trigger so the wife was happier and it improved the marriage. But it's not quite the same as in that example, the biological dad eventually decided not to have a relationship with his son, and my wife's friends also planned more kids (we are not). 

I've told her I'm open to talking to her friends. I've also been researching co-parenting apps/websites to route communications through that I can view or respond to as a 3rd party. But I feel a lot of stress over this. I believe my role is to support the decisions they make for their son and for them to be the pillars of his life and that it is important for him to see them make those decisions. I fear I will become resentful, or I will be taking on too much by doing this. I don't know how to establish the right boundaries. I also think it is inefficient and I can't legally make some decisions, and I don't know how it will work if there is an emergency or I am on a business trip, etc. I fear he will be rude towards me, or it will negatively affect my (excellent) relationship with my step son. 

My wife says the co-parenting apps are too complicated and the simplest solution is for me to just take over communications. But I don't see that as a sustainable solution. What I am open to is using a co-parenting app, both of us having access, her not using it for a few months while she also pursues therapy, and then some kind of blended style in the future with more limited communications and her ex hopefully behaving better due to 3rd party monitoring. I fear that if I agree to take over communications and it becomes too much for me, it will damage our marriage. 

Any experience with this or recommendations? 

 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. No experience, but some thoughts anyhow:

Wanting to be supportive of your spouse is understandable. However, being "thrown up as a shield" for stuff that is really her responsibility isn't really fair.

One way to go would be to think through whether your ok with this and go one way or another. I sincerely doubt the xH would be ok with talking to you. He wants to vent on her, I suspect and probably (very incorrectly) feels it's his "right" at some level.

A different approach might be to look for outside-the-box answers. For example, I understand in some jurisdictions there are court monitored comm systems for exactly this sort of thing. Perhaps you could look into that. Another idea would be grey-rocking (you can research this if you like).

I would document anything you think is "abusive" to be presented to authorities if even needed. If the guy has a huge bee in his bonnet over this, there's a chance he'll attempt to take (presumably trumped-up and ineffective) action one day. Of course the real reason for all this is his resentment and emotional immaturity, but no doubt he won't be able to see that without therapy or similar. C'est la vie.

[S2B]

Only consider it if you want to volunteer to be a punching bag. I don’t recommend it.

instead why doesn’t your wife learn to communicate with him on a different level that involves respect and honesty?

if she approached it differently - he may not feel like a bear that gets poked.

or they could leave each other messages online and look for the response after posting the info.

personally, I never asked my exH for permission for every little thing while my kids were teens. But he also wasn’t micromanaging me either - and trusted me to make good decisions for the kids.

but I can see her ex is the micromanaging type. So I’d simply ONLY ask yes or no questions. Meaning - ask for input ONLY worded so she needs basically a yes or no answer to what she asks.

 

I don’t think your wife’s request is fair to you - you’ll be in a no win position with everyone!

Edited August 18, 2021 by S2B

[JRabbit]

Not a good idea, also makes the kids lose respect for mom and makes you the bad guy.  She can use a lawyer if it’s that bad.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, riverjunction said:

 I fear that if I agree to take over communications and it becomes too much for me, it will damage our marriage.

Only the mother and father have any say in his upbringing.

The parents are the only ones legally responsible for his wellbeing, education, clothes, food, shelter,etc.

A step-parent has no legal standing whatsoever.

Your wife needs to be more responsible. If she's unhappy about any co-parenting issue it's her responsibility, both legally and morally for the boy's sake to handle it appropriately.

Don't let her fob this off on you. Having a step parent do her dirty work has disaster written all over it.

She needs to consult her attorney about this as well as speak to child services if she believes and the boy complains of harm being done.

She's crazy to try to put you in the middle of something a judge should be hearing about and presiding over.

 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Wiseman2

[HappilyMarried]

12 hours ago, riverjunction said:

But he does things like continuously threaten to sue for custody just to poke her over nonsensical things.

I don't think this is a good idea personally. If he has threatened to sue for custody over the flu shot. He would probably then sue for the biological mother having you deal with him on things pertaining to their son and like some have said with him being older it could make you the bad guy and add another stress on your marriage. Best of luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is not a good idea, no. 

And I can't see her ex-husband going along with it, either. At all. 

Your wife needs to speak to a lawyer if she is that distressed by the communicaton with her ex - not put you in the middle of it. That is going to make things worse, guaranteed. 

[introverted1]

Terrible idea. It will ruin your relationship with your wife and your step-son, and earn you no points with the ex, who may find a way to use the situation against his ex (claiming she's abdicated responsibility, for example).

This is squarely her issue to deal with, either on her own or with help from a therapist or lawyer, as appropriate. 

[BaileyB]

On 8/17/2021 at 9:14 PM, riverjunction said:

My wife says the co-parenting apps are too complicated and the simplest solution is for me to just take over communications.

Simple for who? Her? 

In no situation is this appropriate, ever. 

As a step parent, I have no communication with my partner’s ex/his child’s mother. They are the child’s parents, and as such they need to communicate about their child. There has been considerable conflict in that relationship - my partner has set the boundary that they communicate only by text. 

Edited August 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[S2B]

Is your wife always one to avoid conflict?

why do you have to solve her issue? She’s a big girl - let her figure it out.

[Blind-Sided]

As above.  You don't have a legal foot to stand on with this.  If the "Dad" says that he refuses to talk to you... then that will be the end of it. AND... she has the legal obligation to talk to the kid's father about matters of the kid.   Also... it is not right for your wife to even ask you to do this. (although I do understand her wanting to reduce stress)  You may want to talk to her about the legal side of it. 

He may be a jerk... but until the kid is 18... the realty of going back to court can happen.  Although, making threats that can be documented will play in favor to the other party. 

I really wish I could give you some good advice... but honestly... there is none.  (unless she wants to pay an expensive lawyer to get full custody) 

[Lotsgoingon]

Absolutely not.

Now there is only one possible exception (and this would occur 1 out 999 times) and that exception would be if you and the ex REALLY hit off naturally. As in, for whatever freak reason, you and he just really like each other and connect well against all odds. But this probably requires that the ex be invited to events and thus that the ex's relationship with your wife be better than it is now. Your ease with the ex would have to overwhelming.

Otherwise absolutely no effing way.

Your wife needs to work on herself in therapy and figure out a way to work with the ex without being triggered. That's her job. She's trying to step in a kid mode and have you rescue her.  She married this jerk and had a kid with this jerk. It's now her job to figure out a way to cooperate with the jerk, even if the cooperation (as is likely) is going to be uneven and sometimes downright uncomfortable. The ex will sometimes be a jerk, but again, learning how to manage that would be a fantastic step in maturity for your wife. And it's her job, not yours. She's not a ten-year-old being picked on by a bully twice her size and thus needs her parents to intervene.

A better move would be for her to not respond to the ex until she has talked to you and allowed you to see the wording of her proposed reply. 

BTW: your analysis of the responsibility for the acrimony is brilliant. You ascribe 70 percent of the blame to him and 30 percent to your wife. Excellent objectivity and understanding. Objectivity here is your friend. Now, here's the key: that 30 percent is huge. And there's a good chance if she can drop 30 percent to say, 5 percent or to 0, he will ease up.  If your wife stops jumping and screaming and returning insults every time he pushes her button, the ex would lose some interest in the whole ridiculous game.

Forget her friends. I don't think you should even go that route. You request to talk to the friends and you've half-way volunteered to do this duty. If you happened to want to consult someone, you would want to talk to the husbands of the friends since the husbands are allegedly playing the role you're being asked to play. You need to hear directly from the husbands--don't assume the wives really know what's going on in the cases of the husbands dealing with the exes. 

But I wouldn't do ask to talk to anyone because again, you're committing yourself, signaling to your wife that you are open to her ridiculous idea. And when you still say no (after talking to the friends or their husbands) your wife will up her criticism of you because you raised her expectations. 

One final and horribly inconvenient truth here: you are learning a lot about your wife from the way she responds to the ex. I know, we don't like to think so. We want to take the side of our spouses, but your wife might have a manipulative side that is showing up in her asking you to run interference for her. The fact that you're on this board asking about this means she has somewhat gotten under your skin with her ridiculous request. You are feeling unsure and perhaps a little guilty about saying NO. I really encourage you not to play the hero here. You play the hero when you WANT to play the hero, when the situation is one that feels comfortable for you. But keep an eye on your wife. You admit that she's 30 percent of the problem, and you might be grading her on a lover's curve. There's a chance that if I got you drunk, you might admit she's 40 percent of the problem, close to half!  And if your wife knows how to go for this guy's jugular (she knows the criticism that would really sting him) then that's a real problem. And that desire to strike the jugular might not have stopped with the previous partner.

Sorry to end on this cautionary note.