How long does it take for you to be completely over it?

[Meerah]

Last year,  around November,  I found out that my fiance has been cheating on me for years. The only difference is that,  back then he was able to control his actions so I never noticed anything and even if I noticed he was able to make me reject the thought. 

Last year was different because I could see the changes. I could see the way his eyes looks while texting on his phone - I knew that look, it was the look of someone in love. Eventually he changed drastically- doesn't talk to me, doesn't let me see him, even blocked me. So I investigated and found out - it was my best friend's sister-in-law.

She is still married. I was full of hatred. I was hurt.  I felt betrayed.  I wanted to get revenge. I couldn't bear the thought of them being happy.  He never admitted to it. Eve  though I gave him all of the evidences he refused to admit, I just wanted him to admit it and apologized but he insisted I am just making false accusations.  We are over because of my lack of trust. I am so messed up. He never thought I could be this ugly.

It's almost been a year since then. For months me and my ex, kept trying being on and off. I thought we could still work it but in the end I couldn't forgive and forget. 

I want to move on. I want to heal. I keep blocking him and deleting him but eventually I end up texting and asking why?? And insulting him and all - I know this wouldn't change anything.  He no longer cares. It is just making him hate me and even put the blame on me.

How can I move on? I think moving on from him is easy but the thought of wanting to get revenge,  the hate, the painful memories of how he treated me, not wanting to remember the way he used to love me, the questions of why?? What went wrong? The regrets.

I couldn't get over it. I really want to seek revenge but I don't know how. I do not think I can be happy knowing they are happy.

How long will it take for me to move on? How long will it take till I am no longer thinking of taking revenge? I kept myself busy but after a month the pain just keep coming back. What should I do?

Edited August 18, 2021 by Meerah

[glows]

How long it takes is very relative. What’s important is you cut off any contact with him and remove him from your social media. It’s difficult to move forwards if the past is constantly before you. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Meerah said:

How long will it take for me to move on? How long will it take till I am no longer thinking of taking revenge? I kept myself busy but after a month the pain just keep coming back. What should I do?

Hi. I'm sorry for what you've gone through.

I agree with glows. It all depends.

That level of pain and betrayal is simply... hard....

There’s no “right” way to respond or recover from it.

As for time to recover - some people, not so much; for others, it can take months to years, and in some cases, never at all.

 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Meerah said:

I keep blocking him and deleting him but eventually I end up texting and asking why?

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He's low integrity snake 🐍.

The best revenge is that you are free from this creep and he's someone else's headache.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Start dating again. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Make sure you don't drag baggage into a new situation .

If you are stuck, some short term therapy may help unpack and sort all this and break the loop.

[ExpatInItaly]

You really need to stop contacting him forever, first and foremost. You're prolonging your own pain every time you message him, so that's part of the reason you're still stuck. 

But the other part is no doubt because of the tremendous emotional pain this has caused you. I am very sorry you had to go through this. Have you considered talking to a counselor? It can great to have a compassionate, objective and skilled sounding board to help you manage the emotions of acceptance and moving on. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Conventional wisdom says it takes approximately 1/2 the length of the relationship to be fully over somebody.   This BU is particularly painful because you were planning to get married & now your whole life course has been altered.  

There are steps you can take to help yourself heal.  One is NC.  You really have to fully disconnect & stop contacting him.  He's never going to tell you why to your satisfaction so stop asking. Accept that he's a lying cheating scumbag.  Assume the world has bigger plans for you & let go. 

Meanwhile take stock of your life.  Pick up the pieces & move forward.