Why not tell their spouse?

[Meerah]

I am reading threads here and noticed that some OW wanted to tell the wife after the MM broke up with them and the advice I see is that "don't tell her"

 

Regardless of the reason on why they wanted to tell the spouse  be it out of revenge or so... why can't they tell the spouse? I think they need to know. They deserve to know and the OW who has evidences for it is the best person to know. The spouse may not believe and they probably will still try to work it out but still, they need to know.  So they can decide for themselves. 

 

But why are the advices here "don't tell them"?

[ExpatInItaly]

I generally think the wife should know as well, actually. 

The problem is that the OW who come here are usually in such an emotionally-charged hurricane that there's no way they'd be able to do so with any sort of tact or sensitivity to the nuke they're about to drop on the wife's life - a nuke they volunteered to help create. It usually only comes about when the OW is spitting nails and flailing because she realizes the MM is not, in fact, going to be with her. So the motivations in telling the wife come from a place of vengence against the MM, rather than a moment of moral clarity. 

And that is usuallly not how this news is best delivered. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Meerah]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I generally think the wife should know as well, actually. 

The problem is that the OW who come here are usually in such an emotionally-charged hurricane that there's no way they'd be able to do so with any sort of tact or sensitivity to the nuke they're about to drop on the wife's life - a nuke they volunteered to help create. It usually only comes about when the OW is spitting nails and flailing because she realizes the MM is not, in fact, going to be with her. So the motivations in telling the wife come from a place of vengence against the MM, rather than a moment of moral clarity. 

And that is usuallly not how this news is best delivered. 

I don't know since my husband cheated on me. I think regardless of the reason why they wanted to tell me, it is still better than being kept in the dark - especially if the MM has found someone new... 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Meerah said:

I don't know since my husband cheated on me. I think regardless of the reason why they wanted to tell me, it is still better than being kept in the dark - especially if the MM has found someone new... 

Allow me to clarify my post:

I am not against the OW telling the wife. 

However, If the OW decides to tell the wife, I would always advocate for calming down first and thinking carefully about how and when she is going to deliver the news. I would never suggest doing so when she's in the emotionally-charged state many of them come here with. 

[Cookiesandough]

Some people find it best to live in blissful ignorance 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Some people find it best to live in blissful ignorance 

This is true, too.

A close friend of mine was contacted out of the blue a couple years ago, by a man claiming his girlfriend had been sneaking around with my friend's husband. He claimed to have emails and various private social media messages shared between them, and asked my friend if he wanted her to forward them. 

My friend did not want to see them. She confronted her husband but chose to believe his story that this woman was just a friend. That she was a pot-stirrer who thought the husband had a crush on her. Got totally turned around on her. I encouraged my friend to see whatever evidence this guy said he had. Hard no. She just didn't want to know the real truth, it seems. Not much you can do with that. 

[d0nnivain]

If the OW did not tell the BS during the relationship, speaking up after the OW has been dumped by the cheater reeks of sour grapes not genuine concern.  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Meerah said:

. I think regardless of the reason why they wanted to tell me, it is still better than being kept in the dark  

How did you find out your BF was cheating?

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, Meerah said:

I am reading threads here and noticed that some OW wanted to tell the wife after the MM broke up with them and the advice I see is that "don't tell her"

 

Regardless of the reason on why they wanted to tell the spouse  be it out of revenge or so... why can't they tell the spouse? I think they need to know. They deserve to know and the OW who has evidences for it is the best person to know. The spouse may not believe and they probably will still try to work it out but still, they need to know.  So they can decide for themselves. 

 

But why are the advices here "don't tell them"?

Wow. Yeah I was just in this place I was a click away from telling. I was angry way to angry to think clearly. I think If I had followed through while in that real angry state no good would come from it. I too think a spouse needs to know however, probably not from the OW. I also gained clarity from another poster that did tell and she said it was so MM would hate her and that would make it completely done. I now see my reasoning for telling was along those same lines but I backed away. Thats too weak in my mind. My best hope is this Spouse who is being cheated on will find out her husbands antics one day but not from me. 

[BaileyB]

As was said above, my concern is that the decision is sometimes an impulsive and emotional decision. The intention in that moment is not to protect the betrayed spouse, but to hurt the offending married man. 

That, and it’s utterly hypocritical to me that the woman had no problem cheating with the MM and yet, within 48 hours of the end of the relationship she finds empathy for the wife and decides she needs to know what a terrible human being she is married to - the same human being that the OW had been pining for for months or years and would have happily invited into her life, had he made a different decision…

That said, I too would want to know. I’m just not sure that I would want the news delivered by the bitter and spiteful woman who has been sleeping with my husband. 

[Blind-Sided]

To start with... I've never cheated on a SO.  And, I never really multi-dated.   But... telling the BS would be hypocritical !!   It's ok to keep secrets, and date the married person... but as soon as things don't go your way... you have to try to ruin the person who you had fillings for??   Yes... knowingly dating a married person is VERY wrong.... but it's EXTREMELY WRONG to have been part of that, and want to hurt others.   Let's face it... you aren't really hurting the person you were dating... you are hurting the person who was the innocent bystander in all of it.  (The BS)   And if there is a family (kids) involved... then you can destroy their lives too. 

You are just as wrong in all of this dating the OM/OW/WS... you don't have the moral right to hurt anyone.

As a final point... telling the BS is just an attack based on not getting what you want.  How do you know that the person you are hurting won't go out of their way to hurt you back? 

Now... before you say... it's the morally right thing to do.  If that is the case... then why didn't you tell the BS before the first date?

You accepted a secret relationship... and it should remain secret.  PERIOD.   

[Prudence V]

7 hours ago, Meerah said:

But why are the advices here "don't tell them"?

The same reason people don’t go around advising people to stick their fingers into electrical sockets, or to lie down on train tracks, or to coat themselves in honey before bashing a wasps nest with a stick. 

 

 

[Daliah]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Allow me to clarify my post:

I am not against the OW telling the wife. 

However, If the OW decides to tell the wife, I would always advocate for calming down first and thinking carefully about how and when she is going to deliver the news. I would never suggest doing so when she's in the emotionally-charged state many of them come here with. 

I’m in agreement that a wife should know that her husband is a philandering tw*t, and even that the OW might be the person to do so, but she must do it with honesty and integrity (even though those are blatantly missing during the affair), and at the very least a modicum of true remorse. 
 

Anything less is going to be seen as vindictive and vengeful.  

[Meerah]

I am not sure about that. My husband has been cheating on me for years and I didn't know anything until he fell in love with her for real.

I just keep thinking I wish I had known sooner. I wish someone told me early on, if they did, maybe things would've been different. 

So saying "don't tell the wife just because your affair ended" - isn't that the same as saying "let the wife stay ignorant about it? And waste more years of her life staying with a fake character that her husband is showing?

If they wouldn't tell, then when ? Just leave her be? I think rather than saying "we cannot do it bcoz it will break her heart " - you already did when you had an affair with her husband. So why not save her time by telling her that her husband is cheating on her, give her evidences, let her know.

 

It doesn't matter if you do that out of hate, out of vengeance or just to ruin his family. If that is the way for the wife to know,  then so be it.

Edited August 18, 2021 by Meerah

[pepperbird2]

7 hours ago, Meerah said:

I am reading threads here and noticed that some OW wanted to tell the wife after the MM broke up with them and the advice I see is that "don't tell her"

 

Regardless of the reason on why they wanted to tell the spouse  be it out of revenge or so... why can't they tell the spouse? I think they need to know. They deserve to know and the OW who has evidences for it is the best person to know. The spouse may not believe and they probably will still try to work it out but still, they need to know.  So they can decide for themselves. 

 

But why are the advices here "don't tell them"?

I think of it this way. it's not so much about caring abut the BS. I mean let' be honest here, if the OW/OM cared about the BS, they wouldn't be invoked with their spouse. A lot of times,I see it recommended to help the OW/OM get rid of their mm/mw who won't leave them alone even after they have been repeatedly asked to stay away. Others do it t try and force their Ap's hand by spilling the beans. The only ow/om i see that inform spouse out of concern for them are out of the affair and trying hard to find some way to repair the damage it caused.

Personally, I think BS should know what their spouse is up to.  That way, they can at least protect themselves.

[pepperbird2]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I generally think the wife should know as well, actually. 

The problem is that the OW who come here are usually in such an emotionally-charged hurricane that there's no way they'd be able to do so with any sort of tact or sensitivity to the nuke they're about to drop on the wife's life - a nuke they volunteered to help create. It usually only comes about when the OW is spitting nails and flailing because she realizes the MM is not, in fact, going to be with her. So the motivations in telling the wife come from a place of vengence against the MM, rather than a moment of moral clarity. 

And that is usuallly not how this news is best delivered. 

A significant number of ow/om blame the BS for the affair. After all, at least in their ind, if not for the actions of the BS, the Ws would never, ever cheat. Silly logic of course, but it's easy to see how it happens.

[Syd8]

I know I'm almost to the point where I want to tell my AP's husband about our affair years ago. I have letters, photographs and certain articles of clothing as evidence. I almost told him a few years ago but decided not to. 

[stillafool]

It would be nice if the woman contacted the wife before she became an OW to let her know she's married to a cheater who is trying to seduce her into an affair.  Somehow it never occurs to them to tell the wife until after they;'ve been dumped.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Meerah said:

I am not sure about that. My husband has been cheating on me for years and I didn't know anything until he fell in love with her for real.

I just keep thinking I wish I had known sooner. I wish someone told me early on, if they did, maybe things would've been different. 

So saying "don't tell the wife just because your affair ended" - isn't that the same as saying "let the wife stay ignorant about it? And waste more years of her life staying with a fake character that her husband is showing?

If they wouldn't tell, then when ? Just leave her be? I think rather than saying "we cannot do it bcoz it will break her heart " - you already did when you had an affair with her husband. So why not save her time by telling her that her husband is cheating on her, give her evidences, let her know.

 

It doesn't matter if you do that out of hate, out of vengeance or just to ruin his family. If that is the way for the wife to know,  then so be it.

So saying "don't tell the wife just because your affair ended" - isn't that the same as saying "let the wife stay ignorant about it? And waste more years of her life staying with a fake character that her husband is showing?

 

That right there is a valid point. I think if that had happened in my last marriage it would have set off an alarm bell that things need fixing and it would have allowed me to take a deeper look at myself and the whole picture. This would be one positive that I see with regard to informing the spouse. 

[notbroken]

Yes, many want to do it just to hurt their affair partner and may not be the best messenger, but I personally would want to know - regardless of who told me.   I suspect a lot of spouses would feel the same. 

[Myabee]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It would be nice if the woman contacted the wife before she became an OW to let her know she's married to a cheater who is trying to seduce her into an affair.  Somehow it never occurs to them to tell the wife until after they;'ve been dumped.

So true. But you need to realize we get sucked into to believing they will leave. However, I see your point telling the spouse before that total suck in takes place would be more of the honest way to approach that.

[Myabee]

59 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

A significant number of ow/om blame the BS for the affair. After all, at least in their ind, if not for the actions of the BS, the Ws would never, ever cheat. Silly logic of course, but it's easy to see how it happens.

Personally I would never place blame on the BS. They are clueless as to whats going on. And one thing I figured out is we as an OW have no way of truly knowing what goes on behind closed doors. The BS could be doing all the right things in a marriage while the MM is the one lying and cake eating.  

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Meerah said:

So saying "don't tell the wife just because your affair ended" - isn't that the same as saying "let the wife stay ignorant about it? And waste more years of her life staying with a fake character that her husband is showing?

That’s not really what people are saying here. 

Nobody is really saying “let the wife stay ignorant.” Most people are saying, they would want to know. 

The way that I see it, OW typically does what is in their own best interest. When she is in a relationship with the man, it is usually not in her best interest for the wife to know (the secret, fantasy aspect of the relationship would be lost and he may chose to reconcile his marriage - ending the affair. That’s a risk that many OW are not willing to take, despite the fact that they want the man). Occasionally, they will tell because they believe this to be in their best interest. This can only be described as an attempt to manipulate the situation. The expectation is usually that the wife will kick the cheating man out/file for divorce and the OW will get her man. The other time that they tend to develop a crisis of conscience is after the affair has ended, and this has less to do with the betrayed spouse than the OW and the MM. The OW may consider telling because it is in her best interest to do so - she wants revenge on the man who has “done her wrong,” she still believes the wife will leave him and he will return to her, or as is sometimes suggested - this will help her to find some closure at the end of the affair (although that, to me, is another very selfish decision and not a valid reason to hurt another individual). 

Even the decision NOT to tell is a selfish decision, as the OW may want to minimize the drama and avoid the consequences resulting from an angry and vindictive spouse. 

I’m sad to say, for many it seem that the betrayed spouse is not really a consideration in the decision to engage in an affair or to disclose the truth. It’s not usually about what is best for the betrayed spouse - it’s usually about what is in the best interest of the OW and MM. Read these posts - pages and pages of people trying to help OW to consider the betrayed spouse during the affair often will little or no effect. It’s difficult for one to have empathy or remorse when engaging in behavior that is hurtful to another. In some case, the lack of empathy and remorse is the very reason for the decision to have an affair.

So while I absolutely agree with you - I would want to know and I don’t want to know five years into the affair… expecting that the OW would or should tell the BS is a complicated and difficult thing.

Edited August 18, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

In addition or perhaps dovetailing with some really good points above:  In some cases an OM/OW wants essentially to assuage guilty feelings they may have or may want to "regain the moral high ground" in their own behavior. In those situations, the BS is essentially be used as a sort of sacrificial lamb to accomplish those goals. As pointed out, it's again not really being done on their behalf. The most straightforward "penance" is to simply go one's own way IMO.

[Myabee]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is true, too.

A close friend of mine was contacted out of the blue a couple years ago, by a man claiming his girlfriend had been sneaking around with my friend's husband. He claimed to have emails and various private social media messages shared between them, and asked my friend if he wanted her to forward them. 

My friend did not want to see them. She confronted her husband but chose to believe his story that this woman was just a friend. That she was a pot-stirrer who thought the husband had a crush on her. Got totally turned around on her. I encouraged my friend to see whatever evidence this guy said he had. Hard no. She just didn't want to know the real truth, it seems. Not much you can do with that. 

Thats one pathetic woman then. Its as bad as the OW tolerating the lies. This BS clearly does not think very highly of herself.