Why not tell their spouse?

[Starswillshine]

I was a BS, and I definitely am glad that I found out. Though, no one told me, it was by accident that I found out. I would never want to be a woman who has not a clue (though, I obviously was). 

The OW, however, is the wrong person to do so. It is never coming from a place of empathy and trying to move forward. And it never fails, there is always a competition over who he cares about more, loves more, etc. 

It was extremely disgusting the way my xWH's OW tried to prove her worth constantly to me. And even still to this day, over a half decade later..... long after our divorce, while I am years invested in another relationship. She still finds ways to worm her way to try to prove her place in his life (he has a live in girlfriend that is NOT the OW) to me. 

I say all this because the OW is always in competition with the wife. When the OW spills the beans to the wife, the OW has the information and has had the information. The OW gets angry when the BS doesn't immediate believe every thing the OW is saying. Ironic that the OW lapped up all the lies the MM gave from day one... and took time to understand they were lies... and then gets angry when the BS doesn't immediately believe it....

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, Prudence V said:

The same reason people don’t go around advising people to stick their fingers into electrical sockets, ....

Ummm.... Actually... I told my 15 yo daughter to that this morning.  She wanted a faster way to curl her hair.  LOL. 

[vla1120]

I try to follow Buddha's reasoning for thinking before speaking because the answer (of whether to tell someone something) is usually self-evident:

1. Factual

2. Beneficial

3. Spoken with goodwill

4. Endearing/gentle

5. Timely

So, notifying a BS about his/her WS can be beneficial, but if it's by the OW/OM, you have to ascertain that the reasoning has nothing to do with 3, 4, or 5. Otherwise, he/she would have told the BS while they were having the affair (and/or not participated in the affair to begin with!) 

[vla1120]

15 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Ummm.... Actually... I told my 15 yo daughter to that this morning.  She wanted a faster way to curl her hair.  LOL. 

LS really needs to add a laughing emoji!!🤣

[GeorgiaPeach1]

13 hours ago, Meerah said:

I am reading threads here and noticed that some OW wanted to tell the wife after the MM broke up with them and the advice I see is that "don't tell her"

 

Regardless of the reason on why they wanted to tell the spouse  be it out of revenge or so... why can't they tell the spouse? I think they need to know. They deserve to know and the OW who has evidences for it is the best person to know. The spouse may not believe and they probably will still try to work it out but still, they need to know.  So they can decide for themselves. 

 

But why are the advices here "don't tell them"?

Because the only reason the OW wants to tell the wife is out of spite, since she didn't get her way. He's taken a good look at the situation with the OW, and decided his wife and family are what he wants long term afterall.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Myabee said:

Thats one pathetic woman then. Its as bad as the OW tolerating the lies. This BS clearly does not think very highly of herself. 

What's with the rudeness towards someone who's comfortable with her decision to stand by her husband and hasn't harmed anybody?   

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by basil67

[BourneWicked]

I always wonder this too. I agree about the OW not being the right person to tell..  but my god, I would want that info. I would want that out, that opportunity to direct my own life after living in someone else's web of lies for so long. 

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, BourneWicked said:

I always wonder this too. I agree about the OW not being the right person to tell..  but my god, I would want that info. I would want that out, that opportunity to direct my own life after living in someone else's web of lies for so long. 

I agree.

[introverted1]

23 hours ago, vla1120 said:

LS really needs to add a laughing emoji!!🤣

They had one.  Took it away because people's feelings were getting hurt.

[Cookiesandough]

On 8/18/2021 at 3:10 AM, d0nnivain said:

If the OW did not tell the BS during the relationship, speaking up after the OW has been dumped by the cheater reeks of sour grapes not genuine concern.  

 

But it doesn’t sound like genuine concern about the wife from others either.  It’s more trying to sock it to the mistress 

[Daisydooks]

On 8/18/2021 at 3:10 AM, d0nnivain said:

If the OW did not tell the BS during the relationship, speaking up after the OW has been dumped by the cheater reeks of sour grapes not genuine concern.  

 

Deleted 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Daisydooks

[Beentheretoooften]

On 8/18/2021 at 3:10 AM, d0nnivain said:

If the OW did not tell the BS during the relationship, speaking up after the OW has been dumped by the cheater reeks of sour grapes not genuine concern.  

 

Exactly what I agree with.  Spot on. Wonderful post. The end. 

[pepperbird2]

just my opinion, but if an OW/OM is thinking f spilling the beans, maybe a good idea would be to write it all out first. Once that's done, put the letter away for a few days and then go back and edit it. Give it a few more days, and edit again before sending it. This way it wouldn't be done in haste and would say exactly what the ow/om intended to say. I would advise them to keep in mind that this betrayed spouse has done nothing to them, and that if they have a beef with their former MM/MW< they should take it up with them, not the BS.

For their own mental/physical and emotional health, a BS needs to know.

[anika99]

On 8/18/2021 at 6:05 AM, Blind-Sided said:

To start with... I've never cheated on a SO.  And, I never really multi-dated.   But... telling the BS would be hypocritical !!   It's ok to keep secrets, and date the married person... but as soon as things don't go your way... you have to try to ruin the person who you had fillings for??   Yes... knowingly dating a married person is VERY wrong.... but it's EXTREMELY WRONG to have been part of that, and want to hurt others.   Let's face it... you aren't really hurting the person you were dating... you are hurting the person who was the innocent bystander in all of it.  (The BS)   And if there is a family (kids) involved... then you can destroy their lives too. 

You are just as wrong in all of this dating the OM/OW/WS... you don't have the moral right to hurt anyone.

As a final point... telling the BS is just an attack based on not getting what you want.  How do you know that the person you are hurting won't go out of their way to hurt you back? 

Now... before you say... it's the morally right thing to do.  If that is the case... then why didn't you tell the BS before the first date?

You accepted a secret relationship... and it should remain secret.  PERIOD.   

I think we all know and agree that when an OW tells the BS about the cheating it's not done with good intentions and the OW is not acting out of kindness or compassion. We all know that the OW tells because they are selfishly trying to get revenge. That's not even a debate. I think the question is,  isn't it better for the BS to know even if the person who delivered the news was doing it out of a desire to cause pain? I'm always torn on this one because I do think the BS deserves the truth but I also bristle at the OW who decides to tell just for the sake of causing pain and suffering. 

[Meerah]

On 8/19/2021 at 8:22 PM, BourneWicked said:

I always wonder this too. I agree about the OW not being the right person to tell..  but my god, I would want that info. I would want that out, that opportunity to direct my own life after living in someone else's web of lies for so long. 

I agree.  I still regret knowing early.

My husband has been in EA with different women for about 10 years. I think it started when he had to be away from work and back then chatrooms was a thing.

His current OW is someone he has been chatting with for 6 years that we were together, apparently they have been chatting even before I  met him.

However last 2018 things went a bit different - for whatever reason, he fell in love with her... He was still fine early last year but around June it became unstoppable..he became obsessed with her and been really turned on by her..

I found out around December because I got a hint from my best friend(the OW is her sister in law)

I still regret not finding out sooner. If I found out about it before he completely fell for him, my children wouldn't have to experience this whole mess we are in right now.

For me if the OW told me, even if she was doing it to hurt me or show off, I will still be thankful. At least I found out. I could've confronted him, I could've left early.