Is he really thinking or is he playing games?

[HappyLady85]

My husband and I separated just over a year ago. We were going through a lot of issues because of some dishonesty from both ends. The past couple months we've been talking and spending time together. For the first six months of our separation he was fighting hard to get us back but there was a lot I was struggling with however I still missed him I just needed to figure out if I could work past the issues I had with him. Him holding on and fighting for us is what really kept me holding on as well. There was many times where I wanted to just end it for good and file for divorce but he was always in the back of my mind. He had filed divorce at one point but has never been able to finalize it so I know apart of him has been holding on too. I started trying to reach out to him again around April/May and I was getting no response from him, then I at one point sent him a message basically saying that this was my final message to him. If he wasn't responding then maybe he's trying to truly move on. At that point, he told me that he may want to work on things but now he needs to think and process everything. It's been two and a half months of this. We have been talking everyday and we have hungout a few times but I swear he has just completely tapped out. He says he hasn't and when I asked if he wants space and he says no but when I reach out half the time it seems like he has absolutely zero interest in talking to me. I've asked him if he has someone else in his life and he has said no. I'll send him a text and I get no response but clearly he's on his phone because his online status is active on Facebook. Normally, I can say screw it and just leave it alone but this is driving me crazy. He was fighting so hard for me and now he's not hardly at all. Now I am fighting for him. I don't know what to do anymore but I am miserable. I don't want to give up on us but he's pushing me in that direction. 

[d0nnivain]

He fought to keep you two together while you rejected him.  The tables have turned now so use his playbook & hang in there. 

Remember that you fix what's wrong together, not by going off alone so keep seeing each other . . .date him by spending time together.  Don't get overly fixated on text messages or social media posts.  

Have you actually told him you now want to fight for your marriage?  He may not know you are all in so he's hanging back so as not to get hurt.  Be brave.  Tell him you want him.  

[HappyLady85]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He fought to keep you two together while you rejected him.  The tables have turned now so use his playbook & hang in there. 

Remember that you fix what's wrong together, not by going off alone so keep seeing each other . . .date him by spending time together.  Don't get overly fixated on text messages or social media posts.  

Have you actually told him you now want to fight for your marriage?  He may not know you are all in so he's hanging back so as not to get hurt.  Be brave.  Tell him you want him.  

I have told him I want to fight for the marriage. I told him I am all in and that I still love him very much. 

What do you mean when you say use his playbook? If I did that I would be completely bombarding him with text messages and crying to him frequently. I feel like that's just going to scare him off.

Edited August 18, 2021 by iamthegirl
N/A

[glows]

He's not holding on. He's procrastinating. What were the dishonesty issues about? Was it infidelity?

Separating instead of working together on your issues was an indicator that each of you couldn't find a solution to the marriage the first time around. You sought to break apart and gain clarity without the other person. There was rift between you and also shock upon separating from a spouse. I think he was reacting purely out of shock not having you physically in the home. It might have nothing to do with him wanting to be with you in those first six months after separating. 

Now the dust has cleared and there's inertia. You've let him call the shots on when it's filed or not but you were the one who wanted the separation. I suggest you file and finish what was started or, you can live in limbo as above. He can't afford you a decent conversation and is avoiding you. I'm sorry you're hurt. Divorce is a difficult process but separation should never be the answer if there's a chance that two people want to make it work.

[HappyLady85]

1 minute ago, glows said:

He's not holding on. He's procrastinating. What were the dishonesty issues about? Was it infidelity?

Separating instead of working together on your issues was an indicator that each of you couldn't find a solution to the marriage the first time around. You sought to break apart and gain clarity without the other person. There was rift between you and also shock upon separating from a spouse. I think he was reacting purely out of shock not having you physically in the home. It might have nothing to do with him wanting to be with you in those first six months after separating. 

Now the dust has cleared and there's inertia. You've let him call the shots on when it's filed or not but you were the one who wanted the separation. I suggest you file and finish what was started or, you can live in limbo as above. He can't afford you a decent conversation and is avoiding you. I'm sorry you're hurt. Divorce is a difficult process but separation should never be the answer if there's a chance that two people want to make it work.

Thank you for your words.

[HappilyMarried]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

What were the dishonesty issues about? Was it infidelity?

She posted another thread in late June that while they were separated they were seeing other people casually and he was trying to get her back. However, she became pregnant with a guy she was seeing. 

44 minutes ago, iamthegirl said:

He was fighting so hard for me and now he's not hardly at all.

Question? Was he fighting so hard before he knew you were pregnant or did it start to wane the further you got along in your pregnancy?

I personally think it will be hard for you guys to get back with you getting ready to have another mans child. Best of luck!

[d0nnivain]

Wait . . . if you are pregnant with somebody else's baby that explains why he's no longer interested.   

That is a very important, game changing fact you left out. 

[HappyLady85]

8 minutes ago, HappilyMarried said:

She posted another thread in late June that while they were separated they were seeing other people casually and he was trying to get her back. However, she became pregnant with a guy she was seeing. 

Question? Was he fighting so hard before he knew you were pregnant or did it start to wane the further you got along in your pregnancy?

I personally think it will be hard for you guys to get back with you getting ready to have another mans child. Best of luck!

If that was still the case, don't you think I would have mentioned it? You have no clue what has happened since then. I told it how it is now. 

[HappilyMarried]

1 minute ago, HappyLady85 said:

If that was still the case, don't you think I would have mentioned it? You have no clue what has happened since then. I told it how it is now. 

I'm sorry that was posted in June. I  saw that it happened a year ago. So then I guess you had the baby already. I still think he would have trouble coming back under those conditions.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, HappyLady85 said:

He was fighting so hard for me and now he's not hardly at all. Now I am fighting for him.

Curious if this push-pull dynamic was present in your marriage? Are you both dating others?