Long term boyfriend wants to break up but stay exclusive friends with benefits

[Gemma g]

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years since we were seniors in college. We are each other’s first real relationships. We’ve had our fights over the years and did long distance for a little bit but we were always able to figure things out. At the beginning of the summer he first said he didn’t really want to be in a relationship anymore because he was suffering from anxiety/stress/mild depression. We decided on staying together another month to see how things go while he could work on his mental health issues. His mental health improved and we were really happy: going on dates, hanging out, texting all day, and having sex. He said he thought he would want to continue the relationship because he still loves me.  Then he went back to college for a weekend and came back home and said he was unsure about us now. He said that we were each other’s first and that we don’t know what else is out there and maybe we should split up. He says he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship for our senior year of college. We decided again to push it off another month and again we were really happy, more than we have been in a really long time. Now we are both heading back to school this week (we go to the same college) and he proposed we do an ‘exclusive friends with benefits’ relationship for as long as we want unless we meet other people. He also said we can still hang out and text and go get food together like normal but just wouldn’t have the label of boyfriend/girlfriend.  I haven’t told any of my friends or my family that we’ve been going through this the past three months.  I also am living in a studio apartment this year right across the street from him and over college his friends have become my social circle. I used to suffer from depression and I’m afraid to go back to that state if we are no longer together and I lose all those friends and him.  He’s my best friend and even though I am mad and heartbroken over this whole situation, he’s still the first person I want to see and hold when I’m upset. I just don’t know what to do. I would do anything for him and I am crazy in love with him and he says he’s still in love with me too.

[d0nnivain]

Breaking up but giving him the "benefits" of a relationship is him using you until somebody better comes along.  That I would think would trigger depression more so than ending things & keep your dignity.  Don't be a door mat.  

If he wants his freedom, give it to him but remind him that door swings one way -- out.  If he leaves it's over.  

He wants to sow wild oats.  You have to let him go.  If you force him to stay he will just act out later.  

If you debase yourself by letting him use you for sex with no commitment you will be unhappy.  

Spend your senior year looking for a job & having fun.  

[Alpacalia]

He wants to play the field.

Sex with a past romantic partner can be really enjoyable. However, the very thought of it makes you depressed, indicating that perhaps you are unable to emotionally separate yourself from the two.

Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone better suited to you.

Or maybe you'll reconnect years later down the road.

You never know.

4 hours ago, Gemma g said:

He said that we were each other’s first and that we don’t know what else is out there and maybe we should split up. He says he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship for our senior year of college.

 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Gemma g said:

he proposed we do an ‘exclusive friends with benefits’ relationship for as long as we want unless we meet other people. He also said we can still hang out and text and go get food together like normal but just wouldn’t have the label of boyfriend/girlfriend.  

I'm sorry but this is really dumb.  I can tell that he doesn't have any relationship experience, proposing something like this.  If he isn't happy in the relationship, then breaking up is the right thing to do, but you need to actually break up then.  That means not staying friends with benefits, and not still hanging out.  Making a clean break and allowing yourselves to process and get over the breakup and move forward.  If you break up but keep hanging out and stay friends with benefits, you will be stuck in this painful and pointless limbo and you will be prevented from actually being able to process and get over this breakup.  Then one day he'll probably meet someone else and this will all blow up.  The smart thing to do is just break up properly and stop with this friends with benefits nonsense.

[JRabbit]

On 8/19/2021 at 10:50 AM, Gemma g said:

I used to suffer from depression and I’m afraid to go back to that state if we are no longer together and I lose all those friends and him.  

If your happiness rests on whether or not someone will date you, it is a sign you need to work on yourself.

Time to make new friends. Stop sleeping with him, it will not make him date you again.

[glows]

On 8/19/2021 at 7:50 AM, Gemma g said:

He’s my best friend and even though I am mad and heartbroken over this whole situation, he’s still the first person I want to see and hold when I’m upset. I just don’t know what to do. I would do anything for him and I am crazy in love with him and he says he’s still in love with me too.

I agree with the others. 

Also, put some space and distance between the two of you. The concept of 'best friend' is a little skewed here in my view and a little too generous. What also stood out to me was the "he's still the first person I want to see and hold when I'm upset". The reason being when I'm upset the last thing I want to do is be around anyone, let alone be touched or hold/be held. I prefer that space to sort anything out and when I feel more like myself I then am more comfortable being around others. Not everyone is the same and wanting support during tough times is natural but I'd also question why this is needed all the time if it's a repetitive pattern. He could be a crutch for you. Ending the relationship for good may be a positive step in finding more independence and solving your own problems. 

[DKT3]

I'm conflicted on this one. My gut says he has another love interest that he wants to explore but wants to keep you on the hook.

 

[ShyViolet]

On 8/19/2021 at 10:50 AM, Gemma g said:

I used to suffer from depression and I’m afraid to go back to that state if we are no longer together and I lose all those friends and him. 

This is toxic thinking.  Your well-being and mental health cannot be dependent on another person.  You need to be able to stand on your own two feet and deal with your own mental health independent of whether you are in a relationship.

[flitzanu]

such a gracious offer that he is dumping you, but going to allow you the honor of continuing to have sex with him.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It's a raw deal.

[stillafool]

On 8/19/2021 at 10:50 AM, Gemma g said:

Then he went back to college for a weekend and came back home and said he was unsure about us now.

 

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

 My gut says he has another love interest that he wants to explore but wants to keep you on the hook.

 

This is what I'm thinking to.  Don't give him the priviledge of having sex with him until he finds another, which he will.  Always have your own friends even when you're in a relationship.  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 8/19/2021 at 4:50 PM, Gemma g said:

Then he went back to college for a weekend and came back home and said he was unsure about us now.

 

15 hours ago, DKT3 said:

My gut says he has another love interest that he wants to explore but wants to keep you on the hook.

Yep, and he met her on this college weekend. 

OP, don't do this to yourself. It's frankly pretty appalling that he even suggested this. Don't give him the secuirty of having you on standy-by while he dates someone else. I can nearly promise you that is what's really happening here. It's time to let go of him, and work on you. Develop your own social circle and support network. This relationship has run its course but you don't want to drag out the healing process by going along with his pin-brained plan. 

[KissingFire]

Lol. I had an ex like this once. I went along with it for a while because I was desperate to keep him, but in the end, my pride got in the way. I refused to be someone's "good time gal" whenever he fancied a leg over. He had all the benefits of being in a loving relationship without having to commit or answer to anyone. I told him this much and I left with whatever scraps of dignity I had left. He asked to be friends, and I said no. I would be civil with him at work (we worked together, big yikes) and that was it. He called me two weeks later and said he wanted to give the relationship a go. I agreed and it was the most toxic, abusive relationship I've ever had and I was in therapy for a while, but that's another story. (Although you can go back and read my cringe posts about it if you wish.)

I wish I had ignored that call with all my heart, but all we can do is grow and learn from our mistakes. Let this chump go, OP. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

[spiderowl]

I know it must seem really scary to be on your own if you've always had him as a boyfriend/friend since school.  He is not offering you a good deal at all: he wants to explore his options with other women whilst having you there to have sex with and as a good friend to keep him company when he's lonely.  

There is nothing in this relationship for you anymore.  He is not going to be there as a boyfriend.  He will seek you out for sex (without commitment)  if he doesn't have another girl that he fancies, and he will almost certainly break your heart if you hang onto him and think he won't get involved with anyone else.

It is a big adjustment as you have relied on him for a long time.  It will hurt at first but you will adapt and probably meet someone else yourself. Try not to think of it as something scary, just take opportunities to socialise with other people instead of him.  Develop hobbies to keep you busy when not studying.  Chat to other friends and family.

If you stay in a loose FWB relationship with this guy, you will get hurt.  He needs to know you will not be second best or a hidden floozie.  You need to draw a line in the sand here so that he knows what he is losing.  I do not say that you so think he will change his mind - I don't think he will at this point, he wants to see who's out there - but he should know he can't have his cake and eat it.

 

[FudgeSwirl]

Firsts are always special.   However the romantic side of your relationship with him needs to be severed because a friends with benefit relationship will ultimately mean you getting hurt no matter what he has proposed.  He'll reap the benefits of an especially sexual relationship with you until he gets secure with a girl to whom he wants to commit.  If he truly considers you a "best friend" he can have an actual friendship with you that does not involve any of that which he won't be able to do.  I would recommend creating a bit of a distance between you; that doesn't mean you can't be cordial but it's probably best to just hang out with him as a group of friends.  Speaking of friends, you should make new friends this semester outside of his circle not only just so you can lean on others if need be but being around people that don't remind you of him will help you heal.