Boundaries in a new relationship as my girlfriend and her ex boyfriend are going on a cabin trip

[Teddiechulo]

I’ve started a new relationship with a girl who is still friends with her ex-boyfriend, who she dated for three years, let’s call him Tom. He is the one who ended it, but she insists that it was mutual and their relationship is just platonic now. 

She’s reassured me that there are many reasons they will never work again, and I have met him, and he was friendly towards me, but I haven’t spent much time with him yet. 

A big group of them (10-15) have an end-of-summer cabin trip planned, and the trip is five days, and my girl has decided to only go for one night. She also has another guy in her friend group who is closer to Tom than her, but this guy doesn’t seem to like me for no actual reason at all. I’ll call this guy George. 

The weird thing to me is that I’m not invited. She said they don’t want anyone outside the group to come even though I wouldn’t take up an extra bed and pitch in for everything. These plans were set up before we started dating, and she had assured me if we were dating when the plans were made, I’d be included, or she wouldn’t  have made the plans. 

I have told her it makes me uncomfortable because they are making their friend group some exclusive club that I’m not a part of. This is why she decided that she only wanted to go out there for one day even though she is pitching in for five. She doesn’t want to put them out by not going or pitching in for the cabin and disagrees with them not allowing me to come but is going so she will save face with her friends.

It all seems pretty immature to me, and I’m confused about how I should feel about the situation. We’ve only been together two months, and I trust her at the cabin. Still, I’m uncomfortable because my friends would never exclude her if the roles were reversed and other couples are going. I’m wondering if her friends being this controlling will be an issue in the future. 

My thought is I should try to bury the hatchet with George before the trip, and I wouldn’t mind understanding why they don’t want me there (or anyone else). I don’t know how to navigate this because it seems like a group decision, and I’m walking into a new relationship with a girl who has a group of friends I may not vibe with. 

She wants to step away from doing things like this because certain people in the group are immature including George. I trust that she will, so this may be a one-off and a bit of an unfortunate early test for our relationship, but it still is a strange situation, and I don’t understand the thought process behind their decisions here. 

 

 

[basil67]

Given that this is just their friend group attending and nobody else is bringing partners, and not to mention that your girlfriend is only going for one night, why are you so concerned about not being invited?   Sure, if all the partners were invited and you'd been excluded, I would completely understand - but you're being treated equally.   As for the reason why they don't want partners - it's because they just want time out with their own small group.  

I say this kindly, you're thought process is a bit needy here and certainly won't help endear you to her friend group and George.  Take a deep breath in and let it out.  Wish her a happy night away and be chill. 

Lastly, is her idea of stepping away from the friend group a new thought since you came into the scene?

Edited August 19, 2021 by basil67

[Teddiechulo]

@basil67 I’m sorry I might not have made it clear but their partners are invited. I’m the only one who is not going who is considered a couple with one of them. 

[basil67]

Thanks for clearing up that the other partners are coming.  Yes, it does make it more tricky.

Given that you're so new to the scene and you weren't booked in, I wouldn't push it this time.  And I would be grateful that she's making a stand in disappointment and going just for one night. It shows she's got your back.

But in future, I think it's reasonable to expect that you be included.  But really, this is up to your girlfriend to negotiate with them directly.   Does she agree with you that George and the others don't like you?  If so, they probably would have given her a reason and as such, perhaps you could address whatever it was and they give you a fresh start.  

 

[d0nnivain]

That's just a hard no.  If you were invited . . . maybe but still probably not.  The friends are on team EX & are not friends of your relationship.  

End this.  She has very poor boundaries & there will be drama upon drama should you try to continue with her.   

[Teddiechulo]

@basil67 we both agree that we should have a talk or dinner with George about this. I definitely don’t feel accepted and only met the guy once and he was a total douchebag to me. I didn’t do anything other than be sarcastic to him to brush off the fact he was being an a**h***. But my girl agrees with me that this behaviour is not acceptable but is confident he can be more civil. Regardless she isn’t really good friends with him but doesn’t want to burn bridges because of the other people in the group she actually likes. I’ve already had to tell her that if he isn’t nicer I’m not going to be going to their gatherings or parties because I won’t feel welcome and if she goes I’m not sure if me being uncomfortable about the situation is reason enough for her not to go or if I’m being controlling in asking her not to. She’s confident he can smarten up though 

[basil67]

It sounds like the two of you have good communication and are in agreement over this, you've got a good starting point for addressing it.   Wishing you the best of luck

[Teddiechulo]

@basil67That’s a nice thing to say. Thanks!

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, Teddiechulo said:

He is the one who ended it, but she insists that it was mutual and their relationship is just platonic now. 

 

Lol you’re so getting played 

[poppyfields]

Do you think it's possible she's using you to make him jealous? 

That's where I'm leaning, something isn't jiving, sorry to say.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Teddiechulo said:

The weird thing to me is that I’m not invited. 

Cut your losses. 8 weeks dating and already huge red flags .

"Tom" may not exactly be an ex. She's still dating him.

[Teddiechulo]

Tom doesn’t live here anymore and she isn’t dating him for sure because of how often she sees me. I know pretty well what she’s been up to since the start of the relationship but obviously I am concerned and that is why I posted. I don’t want to be played but if that’s the case I know she’s turning her back on our relationship and I’ll be out very quickly. It sounds like not many in this thread think that exes can be friends. Does anyone want to elaborate more on this point please? Most women I talk to don’t agree with her and a lot of men just say well you just have to trust her. I’ve never dated someone who is wanting to keep an ex around since he had been a big support system for her for quite a long time and during a very low moment in her life. She feels very strongly for me and she has talked to death about how they don’t work anymore so I’m really wanting to give her the benefit of doubt until she betrays that. Can someone be specific about the red flag? Because I’ve thought the same thing but I’m having a hard time being specific about what I fear with them. I don’t think they’d ever have sex again tbh. Not from what she has said. 

[d0nnivain]

EXs can't be friends in the immediate aftermath of the break up  Somebody wants more & there are usually some lingering feelings.  Add alcohol to that mix on a camping trip where the other attendees are routing for the couple to get back together & it's a recipe for disaster. 

Your GF doesn't want to burn bridges with her friend group but what about burning bridges with you.   If opting out of 1 trip causes them to think less of her, they are not real friends.  My friends have gone camping every Memorial Day for 30 years.  I went once.  It has zero impact on our relationship.  

[Teddiechulo]

@d0nnivain what would you consider immediate aftermath? He was gone for a big chunk of their relationship and they weren’t happy together for a while but broke up in April. I have had a hard time committing to a relationship since my ex it 11 years who I was married to had an affair and hid it from me for a while. I’m trying to let go of any jealousy that may be misdirected and this has been a lot for me to deal with so I’m not sure if I’m thinking clearly about this or not. Which is why I’m on this forum. I have never maintained a relationship with an ex but I have heard that it is possible. I agree with all of your points about her friends and this is probably the last time she is going to party with them and she said she is likely going to just do her own thing while out there anyway. I don’t want her to burn bridges and she already doesn’t want to hang out with a lot of them and she feels like she needs to make that call and do it on her own terms instead of me telling her to just not go. I respect that and that she is only going for a night. The other issue I have is the ex but I’m hoping me talking to him more will make me feel better. If it doesn’t I think that would be a sign to step away from the relationship.
 

I appreciate everyone’s perspective here! Any other thoughts are welcome!

[d0nnivain]

Immediate aftermath is 5+ years.  At the very least it's not during the very next relationship that immediately follows the break up.  

You are thinking clearly about this.  You are not punishing this woman for your EXs cheating.  You are correctly troubled by her poor boundaries regarding this EX.  It's much too soon.   

Talking to him is a non-starter . He doesn't want to talk to you.  You two just need to be separate.  If he wasn't hoping for something to happen with her he would be bowing out of this trip too & you would be included by the friend group.  

You are delusional if you think this is the last time she will party with these friends.  She is way to emotionally dependent on them for validation.   

[Teddiechulo]

@d0nnivain I appreciate your view on this. I 100% feel the same thoughts running through my head. I’m not sure if delusional is the best word to use there. I’m treading very lightly and I know some people in this thread are really quick to dismiss this and just say move on and I have no problem doing that but what if it is just platonic? Am I banking on too many changes in her life for this to work out? Is that what I’m reading? Because if she doesn’t then my answer is clear but I’m inclined to think that maybe she is sincere and this is a one off. She really is trying with this but our boundaries are definitely overlapping here. 

[d0nnivain]

It's not just platonic.  I usually give people the benefit of the doubt but her refusal to stick up for you is troubling.   If she is serious about you, then she would insisting to her friends that you be welcome on the camping trip.  You want to see trying.  All I see is her picking everybody else over you & this relationship.  

[Teddiechulo]

I see that too. Thanks. 

[Teddiechulo]

@poppyfields yes that has definitely crossed my mind. She also invited me to a party with them pretty early on and I wasn’t even sure how I felt about her yet and it instantly made us more relationshipy. This whole situation is pretty weird tbh and I’m going to tread lightly I think and not get too involved too fast. I’ll probably talk to a therapist about all of this too since perspective will be pretty valuable from someone who has dealt with problems similar to this. I don’t think my boundaries are out of whack I think hers are but she doesn’t agree and I know there are plenty of fish in the sea so I’m not worried about that. I’m just wanting to make sure I’m not being unreasonable with my request and me expecting these changes that she is saying she is making is seeming to me like this relationship can’t start until she separates from that group.  Or gets more level headed about how these people aren’t really her friends and her ex being as close as he is should probably be replaced by someone else who she doesn’t have a history with. Those are my thoughts. 

[glows]

Two months is very early and you seem quite bothered. You’ve had issues about her ex since the beginning. A lot of people tend to overlook their instincts early on and need to explain or rationalize to death why something doesn’t feel right.

I’d also explore this from a different angle while you’re at it. What keeps you in this relationship? Is it the companionship or sex or is it your first serious relationship where someone has reciprocated their feelings for you? Does the relationship represent security and excitement? Weigh those things in light of what’s bothering you and choose accordingly whether it’s worth pursuing or not.  

[Teddiechulo]

@glows She has a great sense of humour, she’s really thoughtful and sweet, she is very good to me otherwise. I like her other friends and we do mesh well together. She is pretty supportive despite not seeming that way from the context of this thread. 

I do want to reiterate that I’m at a point where I am fine with being on my own. I’ve been on my own for quite some time and while being in a relationship is nice they often come with a lot of baggage that takes a lot of energy from my experience. But I do want to get over my jealousy and I’m just not sure how much is actually me or just her overstepping and not making the right call with this. After reading everyone’s input I’m probably going to keep it pretty casual with her for now and I think both of our boundaries could use some work so I will be looking into some therapy sessions. Maybe with her too. 

[stillafool]

Sorry guy but this is sketchy as hell.  When something feels off it is.  Who in her group would object to her bringing her partner when everyone else  (except this guy) is bringing theirs?  If they are clear that they don't want her bringing you she should fork over her part of the expense to them and not go.   Any bridges that are burned as a result of that decision were not worth crossing anyway.  Don't put up with this as it will make you look weak.

[Alpacalia]

OP you seem fairly reasonable so I can't see why there would be any reason for her to not bypass the camping trip altogether given your uneasiness with it.

 

[Teddiechulo]

@Alpaca I think I am being too and my family and friends agree which is why I don’t get it. I think I’m going to tell her that I can’t be with her until this is cleared up. If she says she will change she will need to show me and as of right now I don’t think she is mature enough and secure in her relationships to be with me. the whole ex thing just doesn’t sit well with me and I think she wanted to parade me around to make him or others jealous or maybe she’s naive. He ended up leaving the party and it’s unclear if that was because he was uncomfortable with me or something else but I had a hunch it was because of me. I feel like I’m not getting the full story here. 

I’d rather not close the door because she has a lot of really good qualities but I do think that this is something she needs to work on. I am going to see a therapist to get my “boundaries checked” to make sure I’m not missing something. 
 

Thank you everyone for all of the input!

[JRabbit]

I think her friends are beyond lame they can't make space for you.  Of course they could, if they wanted to. Your gf doesn't want it, is what I think.