When and when isn't reconciliation possible

[Leigh 87]

I never in a million years thought it would come to this. 

We're now separated. Haven't seen each other in months. We planned to reunite and see how we interacted in person before separating (his idea), however due to Australians ridiculous Covid laws, my home state isn't allowing it's residents to fly home again. Even if they have no home in the state they were caught in when Covid hit it. 

Long story short: I have trauma and chemical imbalance and needed low dose meds to me completely healthy. I waited too long, until after it was too late at most seven years together- to seek help. 

Over the years we were wonderful mostly, with the rare love at first site high chemistry type deal which also had amazing compatibility and lots of laughs every day... and an amazing instant and very deep connection, like we had been married before in some last life.

Sadly, I had mental health episodes occasionally. Albeit, not often. I threw beautiful jewelry of his which shattered his heart each time. Yelled. And when pregnant with our first and only child in 2019 and 2020- I started to self harm. 

He unfortunately became so traumatised and detached and disconnected and ran. He said he have me enough chances, and he did so due to our tremendous love.

 

I went on a holiday to my original state to visit family and what was supposed to be a healing break with me finally getting on meds and seeking therapy to address the trauma of my self harm and addressing it's origin- it turned into Covid locking my holidaying state down so I can't get back to mine and my husband's home which we own together. 

The distance has made it so easy for him to continue to stay disconnected and run further. Our chemistry and being together would have most likely resulted in reunification (obviously contingent my meds worked well and the unhealthy habits stopped).

When we first Larter ways, he still loved me and missed me. He stopped talking so we could take time apart to heal, then rang me a month later to say he'd been thinking about it a lot, and wanted to find a way back to each other. Not just for our daughter, but for me too. For us to just be together. 

As more time elapsed, he then changed his tune and backed off even more. "hopefully finding a way back together since we do have that special connection and love" turned into "I just actually want to wait and see how we interact in person after we both heal, no promises, but would be very sad if we just had one of us move out right away and give up entirely".

He couldn't promise me what would occur when we met again face to face, but assured me we would at least give whatever is suppose to happen a chance to unfold. 

It was "if we do end up separating" and "if we don't end up back together". 

He then changed his mind to "sorry, I feel told / called to be alone right now and have disconnected emotionally-due to the trauma and self harm I witness to the point I can no longer offer you what you deserve in a partner right now. That the future has promise thought. But for now, please move on from the relationship, we both have too much healing to undergoing individually to consider reunification in the near future. And that " he's not in a rush to divorce".

He still wanted to live together first before making any long term decisions such as moving out or selling. Said he would be devastated to just sell and live apart, and then suddenly declared he wanted to not live together again at all.....

I told him he owed it to our daughter to at least attempt loving together, and see how we get along with me medicated. Meds have saved my life. He owes it to his daughter to give the medicated me and healed me the opportunity of at least seeing whether we get along on any level. Occasionally, couple remain friends living together even rather than having a separate home each when the kids are very young (ours is two in February). He owes it to her to at least TRY for a situation that allows maximum bonding for him a d his daughter, at least initially once we return ! It's been several months apart and she's forgotten him. It's heartbreaking. 

He stopped freaking out and agreed that we did indeed owe it to her to try living together before divorcing. 

 

 

 

 

............

Is it over for good? He says he'll always love me. He was super attracted until the last days. He hates the idea of a kid having a broken home. H

He is insisting we both receive therapy alone, and couples therapy together via distance whilst we are away physically. He wants to come up with a clear plan to adhere to once I'm living back in our home together. He wants to see if after plenty of time apart and healing and therapy, if we can get along as friends enough to live together for enough time to figure out if divorce or separate dwellings long term is for the best. 

He works away from home eight days at a time before flying home for 6 days. 

 

 

 

IS this ever going to be salvageable in the future? 

 

 

He loves me and would do anything for me (apparently)..... He has some feelings left but is too disconnected to open up fully, due to trauma. Trauma from my doing, and he had an terrible upbringing with neglect emotionally from his mum hence he's already a little colder compared to most men. He has full range and depth of emotions but can basically can shut them off easily due to rejection and abandonment from his mum.

...   I'm now medicated and feel confident I won't revert back to my old unhealthy ways. We got along really beautifully with lots of laughs and joy outside of my me tell health episodes so I don't see why he's so .... Adamant we all of a sudden HAVE to separate ?!????????

 

 

Please help.

 

He's the love of my life.

 

I feel my way back to him is to address his fears. Which is obviously going to be a long process.

 

Is reunification later down the track definitely off the cards in this case ? 

 

 

It's definitely going nowhere right now. I'm speaking of the future, on the other side of lots of therapy and healing, and him slowly seeing a stable version of me that he trusts enough to invest emotions into again. 

 

Am I way off base thinking there is hope ? !!!!

 

[Leigh 87]

Please help.

 

I don't want to ultimately divorce.  

 

I don't particularly believe he'll just have too little feelings for me. Based on what we had, I still can't accept it's imminent. I feel feel down, it's salvageable.

 

Am I way off base?

 

It feels like a nightmare waking up each day. I can live without him it don't want to. 

 

I can find love again and am fine single, but truly believe he's my one love of my life. The rest will be casual fun and high chemistry, or in older age, a comfort based relationship without the fireworks we had. 

 

I like financial security so I can see myself meeting someone with some milder chemistry and no love of my life type feelings, but someone I'm best friends with and enjoy living life with on financial ease together as a team.

 

A good comfortable life with a best friend sure. 

 

I don't believe there is another love of my life. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Leigh 87 said:

Please help.

I'm here... but I'm still reading your opening post.

[Happy Lemming]

From your opening post, it appears that you are in a "holding pattern" due to the Covid-19 restrictions in place.  I don't claim to understand how the travel restrictions work, but based on the information you provided... you are stuck where you are at and will just have to wait for those restrictions to be lifted.

I imagine your husband is getting used to a calmer quieter existence without all of the drama/trauma that was present before you two separated.  I'm guessing he prefers a peaceful life.

All you can do is attempt to see him (when the restrictions are lifted) and show him you are not the same person that "self-harmed" yourself and caused all the difficulty.

It sounds as if there was a a lot of damage done to the relationship and it will take time to rebuild it.

In the end, you want to try... if he does not, there really isn't anything you can do.

Personally, I've never had much luck rebuilding a broken relationship, and only had one that was "kind of" successful (long story).

In your situation, there is a child involved so that may help in bringing him around to give you a chance.

 

[Leigh 87]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond.

 

He's adamant he can't find the strength or emotions to work on reunification at this stage.

 

He means what be says. He doesn't ever say things he doesn't mean. He also said be wasn't closed off to the future of us together later on, and the future felt like it was promising for us both as potentially a couple again.

 

Is time together again when I've addresses the issues that triggered the separation, with a professional and meds, ever likely going to be enough? 

 

He's willing to let us live together. And I'm the childs mother. So to me. And the fact he really isn't set in stone regarding long term reunification later down the track - have lead me to believe there may be hope s little later on, once we reunite in person and once he's taken some time to get to know me again when I've addressed the issues that pulled us apart. 

[Leigh 87]

In our case, we would not be re building but rather, starting again. But with the same chemistry and love feel down there somewhere.  

[Happy Lemming]

Do you have any idea as to when the travel restrictions will be lifted??  Does the government have a target date??

Well the good news is he is willing to "live together" again, I guess you can show him you are the "new and improved" version.

I imagine once you are both under the same roof again, your chances of finding your way back are much better than with you being in a different state (right now).

[Leigh 87]

Early next year sometime.

He is committed to therapy together weekly until then.

And he wants to eventually video chat with us both, but only once we have recovered and healed more from the previous relationship. He wants the relationship to well and truly done and worked through before phone or video chats again. 

[Leigh 87]

I'm planning to try my best to address his fears of me via the therapist and the joint therapy sessions together 

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Leigh 87 said:

Early next year sometime.

 

Wow!! that is a long ways off. 

2 minutes ago, Leigh 87 said:

And he wants to eventually video chat with us both, but only once we have recovered and healed more from the previous relationship.

That sounds promising... I guess that is all you can do until the travel restrictions are lifted. 

3 minutes ago, Leigh 87 said:

I'm planning to try my best to address his fears of me via the therapist and the joint therapy sessions together 

Your best is all you can do... stay the course with your medications, therapy, etc.

When a woman dumps me (and I didn't want out of the relationship)... I always ask myself the same question.  "Was I best person I could be?" If the answer is "yes" then there is nothing more to mull over or think about.  If the answer is "No", then I try to learn from my mistakes & be a better person.

It sounds like you are trying to be a better person through medications and therapy. 

You are trying!!  That should account for something in his eyes.

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t have anything much to add except to say I remember you from wayyyyy back in the day when you were just dating, then when you got married and had a kid . I enjoyed reading your journey and seeing you happy. This latest development really blows. I’m sorry youre going through it. I’m sure it’s really hard now, but things work themselves out.  I also want to say that kids from divorces can turn out much to happier than if they grew up in a family of dysfunction. Still, I hope it works out for you

Edited August 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

If you are married,it is your house and you can't be barred from living there.

Until you are legally divorced you both have a right to live there. He can voluntarily move out but he co-owns until the divorce is final.

It's unclear why you're begging him to let you stay in your own home.

Did he get a restraining order against you?

Focus on stabilizing your mental and physical health. Not to prevent divorce but for yourself and your child.

[Leigh 87]

He wanted me back initially but after so much time apart, his fears grew to the point where he was so afraid of my harming myself that he didn't longer have the strength to see me and address his fears at this present time. 

 

But he wants me and our toddler living there again as co-parents, once we have utilised enough individual trauma therapy and also couples therapy too. 

 

 

[Caauug]

6 hours ago, Leigh 87 said:

due to Australians ridiculous Covid laws, my home state isn't allowing it's residents to fly home again. Even if they have no home in the state they were caught in when Covid hit it. 

Nice.... A work mate went home to NSW to buy a ute, he said see you in a fortnight, he's been gone over 2 months and is slowly making his way back to WA by the NT.... It's not a simple process of just driving across the state boarder or jumping on a plane. Quarantine in a hotel is expensive also... 

Good  Luck getting home, you are not alone.

[Andy_K]

7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don’t have anything much to add except to say I remember you from wayyyyy back in the day when you were just dating, then when you got married and had a kid . I enjoyed reading your journey and seeing you happy. This latest development really blows. I’m sorry youre going through it. I’m sure it’s really hard now, but things work themselves out.  I also want to say that kids from divorces can turn out much to happier than if they grew up in a family of dysfunction. Still, I hope it works out for you

I was going to say this! It's a sign I've been on here far too long 🤣

But also Leigh, although it seems like he's raised the topic more than you, don't worry too much about the 'broken home' thing. My daughter is 11 years old and I split with her mum before she was born. She's perfectly happy, healthy, and well-adjusted - more so than many of her friends from 'normal' family units. I know it's drilled in to everyone these days that family splits are devastating for children, but really they're not. It is far better to have separated happy parents than cohabiting dysfunctional ones. 

[deepthinking]

"we can get along as friends"   i have been on the recieving end of the illness that is now medicated, and was with you all the way until you typed "He loves me and would do anything for me (apparently)" it is the {apparently} that is a sneer behind his back, and for somebody glad of a last chance you suddenly seem disloyal and unloving, so I hope you do not say that sneer-stuff to his face. 

Edited August 19, 2021 by deepthinking

[lana-banana]

No one can say anything for certain. You might reconcile one day, you might not. But you can't go about your life assuming it's going to happen. That being said:

17 hours ago, Leigh 87 said:

He owes it to his daughter to give the medicated me and healed me the opportunity of at least seeing whether we get along on any level.

No, he really doesn't owe you this. He has to do what he feels is best for him and his child. And I have to second what others have said: plenty of divorced parents have healthy relationships with their children. It is much better for kids to see their parents interact in a respectful adult way vs. sticking in a hurtful, dysfunctional partnership.

[Leigh 87]

6 hours ago, deepthinking said:

"we can get along as friends"   i have been on the recieving end of the illness that is now medicated, and was with you all the way until you typed "He loves me and would do anything for me (apparently)" it is the {apparently} that is a sneer behind his back, and for somebody glad of a last chance you suddenly seem disloyal and unloving, so I hope you do not say that sneer-stuff to his face. 

I mean I don't know what he's really thinking. He says he will always love me and do anything for me.

[Leigh 87]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

No one can say anything for certain. You might reconcile one day, you might not. But you can't go about your life assuming it's going to happen. That being said:

No, he really doesn't owe you this. He has to do what he feels is best for him and his child. And I have to second what others have said: plenty of divorced parents have healthy relationships with their children. It is much better for kids to see their parents interact in a respectful adult way vs. sticking in a hurtful, dysfunctional partnership.

 

Agreed.

 

I just believe we have the right sort of love and right sort of friendship and style of interacting that would make it a travesty if he didn't get the courage, one day, to explore the medicate Leigh. 

 

We were otherwise a very...happy and loving couple. What most people aspire to be. 

[Happy Lemming]

@Leigh 87 I really like the idea of joint counseling via "Zoom" or some other "cam based" meeting platform. 

My girlfriend talks to her therapist over "Zoom" monthly at my house via my computer.  When the pandemic started, I remembered I had a microphone and camera from an old job (where I had to skype) with the owner, so I dug it out of the back of the closet and set it up.  The camera is actually duct taped to the top of my monitor, as the mount was so old it no longer worked, but the camera still works just fine... duct tape and all!!

My girlfriend states it is so much better using "Zoom" and "seeing" the other person vs. talking on the phone.

She has completed other doctors appointments via "cam based" platforms like Microsoft Teams and another one that I can't think of right now.  All have been successful, so do give this "cam based" joint therapy a go with your husband.

Do you have any idea when this attempt at "joint therapy" will happen?? 

[Leigh 87]

I'm living at my parents with our daughter.  

 

We currently don't talk.

Haven't seen each other in months. 

I now have a different life ..without him.

We both want me to be a stay at home mum. So when I fly back, eventually, he wants to financially support me to stay home with her until she's older. We don't do daycare and it isn't an option for us. 

Our goal is to utilise the couple's therapist to put together a plan for us to reside together. We own our dream home in our ideal location. We ain't giving that up. 

We were always amazing friends and he's only home every second week. I also live a very full life, I'm out of the house all day everyday with our daughter. Despite it being a new state and area with no family there, I ensured I joined various mother's groups and keep my energy positive. 

He wants to assist me skill up so I can then be self sufficient and afford majority of mortgage. 

He'll eventually move out once he saves for his own separate dwelling. 

He says he is here to take care of us financially despite not wanting to attempt at reconciliation.

I suppose the further months apart ahead of us will serve me well in being able to get over him and move on. 

I am just not convinced he has no feelings left and that we are better off apart in the long-run. I'll obviously respect and honour his decisions however.

[Leigh 87]

I am traumatised still. 

This is the person who said I was the love of his life, were going to grow old together, and he'd never leave me.

I suppose once the trauma is over is a more optimal time to attempt co-parenting under the same roof. Living together is going to be temporary obviously, until finances are in order ...as he'll obviously eventually want the freedom again. 

[deepthinking]

The one person you do have control over is yourself.    So be the prize.    There's more to life than this/him.      Just my 2 cents.

Edited August 19, 2021 by deepthinking

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Leigh 87 said:

I mean I don't know what he's really thinking. He says he will always love me and do anything for me.

He probably will always love you as you created a baby together and are like family but may not be in love with you anymore.  That is nice of him to want to support you and your daughter fiancially even if you don't reconcile.

Edited August 19, 2021 by stillafool

[Happy Lemming]

He may change his tune about eventually purchasing another home and moving out.

If (when you get back) try to make life as comfortable for him, as possible.  Show him you can be a modern day "June Cleaver". 

Men are pretty simple creatures, as long as life flows nicely and there isn't any "angst", we are content.