When and when isn't reconciliation possible

[Leigh 87]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

He probably will always love you as you created a baby together and are like family but may not be in love with you anymore.  That is nice of him to want to support you and your daughter fiancially even if you don't reconcile.

I believe deep down there is enough of that in love spark left. 

 

I believe it would reignite under positive circumstances. 

[Leigh 87]

I am not going well.

 

The pain is pretty unreal. 

 

This is the man who delivered my our baby, and had a very very very close relationship for so long. 

[Happy Lemming]

26 minutes ago, Leigh 87 said:

I am not going well.

Have you started working on "couples therapy" via "Zoom" or other came based software??

You've got a long haul to get to the first of the year to be able to travel back to him.

Is there any way to get special permission to travel back to your home state??

[Leigh 87]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Have you started working on "couples therapy" via "Zoom" or other came based software??

You've got a long haul to get to the first of the year to be able to travel back to him.

Is there any way to get special permission to travel back to your home state??

I've tried. They don't let residents back. Not even for most compassionate grounds. ..

 

They require therapists proof you're in need of living in your WA (western Australia) dwelling as a means of necessity. They don't care if you're literally homeless and can't afford to set up a life in a different state. 

 

See therapist next week. 

Huge wait list for decent ones. 

 

[Leigh 87]

While I wait to start the therapy, I call a crisis hotline daily balling my eyes out. As I'm not coping well knowing I have so much love and connection to someone who's burried his end of it. 

 

[Leigh 87]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you are married,it is your house and you can't be barred from living there.

Until you are legally divorced you both have a right to live there. He can voluntarily move out but he co-owns until the divorce is final.

It's unclear why you're begging him to let you stay in your own home.

Did he get a restraining order against you?

Focus on stabilizing your mental and physical health. Not to prevent divorce but for yourself and your child.

No restraining order or anything crazy 

 

He just doesn't want to talk or be close anymore and wants us to totally move on and be platonic and with the sole purpose of co-parenting positively (rather than aiming to ever reconcile) before letting me in again. He feels it's too painful for me. And new right. 

He would rather live separately and have not too much to do with me other than being friends and sharing some laughs eventually. But financially, and personal reasons, we need to temporarily share the dream home we purchased together. Until we save for minor renovations so we can sell at a profit.  So don't want to waste money on two dwellings. 

[Leigh 87]

When and when isn't reconciliation possible?

Need experienced replies please.

Haven't been here for years as I was in a happy relationship for almost 7 years.

[S2B]

It isn’t possible if the cheater doesn’t own the way they participated… the cheater needs to be completely willing to repair the damage they created - and offer up peace of mind on a silver platter as a completely changed person…to earn trust back long term.

if they won’t… it’s just won’t work.

Edited August 20, 2021 by S2B

[Happy Lemming]

I haven't had much luck with second chances or reconciliation.  I only had one reconciliation that was somewhat successful.

Yes... she dumped me, then contacted me like 18 months later stating she had huge mistake in dumping me and wanted me back.  I really liked this woman, so I went back. We were actually doing great until she had a family emergency and had to move away.  I did agree that she had to go help her family and we said "good bye" a second time. It was the right thing to do and there was no vitriol or anger. 

That being said... we were NOT married and didn't have a kid together (like in your situation).  We hadn't progressed to the point of living together, either.  Although she loved the project house I was working on (at that time) and her moving in would have probably happened when her rental lease ended, had she not had the family emergency.

[glows]

I attempted or tried to go along with one out of duty but couldn't follow through. He changed irreversibly in my eyes. I didn't see him the same way again. 

I think reconciliation is possible where trust and respect isn't completely gone. Without those two it is virtually impossible. 

[glows]

Go for therapy individually on your own. You need that support because you're not hearing what he's saying. He's not interested in being a couple, only coparenting well together. Don't live in complete denial about your life there or the home you both used to have. I also suggest you see a lawyer and find a way to be more self-sufficient on your own. Depending on him to pay for schooling is robbing you of way too much control of your own life. Have your own home for yourself and your daughter - create a new dream home. You can change that way of thinking and start thinking for yourself and standing on your own two feet. Do it for you and for your child. 

See a lawyer in private in case you need to discuss assets as his wife and figure out custody for your child should you get divorced. You're too stuck in the past and living in a fantasy land of what could be but not dealing with the reality of what is right now. Wishing you a lot of of strength and courage. Don't back down on this and keep waiting on something that isn't materializing. It takes time to grieve but you have to pull yourself out of this and start making plans for yourself.

[Leigh 87]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

Go for therapy individually on your own. You need that support because you're not hearing what he's saying. He's not interested in being a couple, only coparenting well together. Don't live in complete denial about your life there or the home you both used to have. I also suggest you see a lawyer and find a way to be more self-sufficient on your own. Depending on him to pay for schooling is robbing you of way too much control of your own life. Have your own home for yourself and your daughter - create a new dream home. You can change that way of thinking and start thinking for yourself and standing on your own two feet. Do it for you and for your child. 

See a lawyer in private in case you need to discuss assets as his wife and figure out custody for your child should you get divorced. You're too stuck in the past and living in a fantasy land of what could be but not dealing with the reality of what is right now. Wishing you a lot of of strength and courage. Don't back down on this and keep waiting on something that isn't materializing. It takes time to grieve but you have to pull yourself out of this and start making plans for yourself.

He's also said he doesn't feel in a rush to divorce and that the future feels like it has promise. 

 

I won't go into the financials.

 

He'll always help with generous child support as he wants us well cared for. 

[Leigh 87]

He's currently in an extremely depressed and very dark place. 

I talk to his mum and he is also about to communicate with the best relationship therapist we can find. 

The therapist will hear us both out and come up with a plan to live together temporary, until we can figure out what to do with the house and whether he wants the divorce. He isn't sure he wants to live apart and get divorced yet. 

 

All he knows is that he's certain of the separation, and that his emotional load and trauma from my illness that wasn't medicated is so great, that he currently has disconnected too much to survive and therefore cannot just offer me the emotions I deserve in a relationship.

He said it's not a simple matter of not being in love or losing that thing that holds couples together and often brings them together to begin with. 

All he knows is right now .... He is a bit of an emotionless, traumatised depressed zombie of a man. 

For now, we will move on from our traumas, and make a plan we both agree to and after seeing how we interact with my medication and intensive therapies on both sides - we will live together short term and decide if saving to renovate then selling the house for profit etc is the best way, or whether we wish to keep one of us in the house etc....

I'm treating this like no contact except for the mediator...his mum and therapist.....

I'll try my best to totally move on from him. 

I don't know what the future holds for us. 

I don't think we will get back together or at least anytime soon.

I'm not sure the "it's done" feeling is a forever thing or temporary one at this is stage. We are very connected on all levels and while I literally feel his energy and how's he's doing and always know when something is not right with him....    I am not sure he'll always avoid traversing the large chasm between us for good. 

With time, trust, and me moving on and accepting life without him .. he may see that I'm well, doing the meds s d therapy thing long term, and feel how harmonious things are, and rekindle his feelings. After all, we are for the first time ever addressing our traumas and sources of our dysfunctions and both on medication. And we were otherwise a truly genuinely loving couple. 

Without the kid and house ..hmm..but we now have an additional plan we both wish to follow that basically has made having contact inevitable and also more motivation to, if at all possible, find a way back together again anew after we address our issues that pulled us apart. 

Or he may move on and once done...is done. 

I'm still of the gut feeling that reconciliation is possible. But not right now. 

So I'm treating this like any other break up irrespective of my feeling deep down that reconciliation may be a small possibility.

 

[Happy Lemming]

@Leigh 87 I have a question.

Do you think your husband is saying/doing these things to you to punish you for leaving and taking the child away from him??

Do you think he is just being vindictive/vengeful because he wants you to suffer (as he suffered when you took the child away from the joint home) and moved away??

Is it possible that he does want to reconcile and live again as a family, but wants to "teach you a lesson" for leaving??

 

[clia]

It's very difficult to say whether reconciliation is possible, because none of us know how he is feeling or his side of the story.  By your own admission he has been traumatized by your behavior over the past seven years.  Whether or not he can ever get past it is something that only time will tell.  But from your posts -- and the fact that the two of you aren't even speaking right now -- it seems like he is appreciating and happy with the lack of drama and trauma in his life right now.  And it's difficult to say whether he will ever want to go back or can trust that you will remain medicated and stable, when you haven't done so over the seven years that he's known you.  I'm very sorry to hear that things haven't worked out for you, and encourage you to get all of the therapy, both individually and as a couple, that you need.  All you can really do is show him that you are trying to improve and to remain steadfast to do everything possible to stay on your medication and get therapy.  It sounds like he isn't just going to abandon you financially, so that's good, but once you get your mental health in check you will need to start figuring out how you are going to support yourself and your daughter.  IIRC, you were almost done with a podiatry degree?  Can you go back to that?        

I am also in disbelief that you are not allowed to return to your home and won't be able to do so until at least next year due to COVID restrictions.  That is completely insane to me.   

[Haydn]

The main focus needs to be on the needs of a very small child. You cannot spiral out of control and let it consume you. He seems like he simply cannot take it anymore. That is out of your control but the love and focus on your child is in your control. Focus on being the best possible parent you can.

Obviously i have used the word 'Focus' far too much.

[Acacia98]

On 8/19/2021 at 5:05 AM, Leigh 87 said:

he had an terrible upbringing with neglect emotionally from his mum hence he's already a little colder compared to most men. He has full range and depth of emotions but can basically can shut them off easily due to rejection and abandonment from his mum.

Out of everything you wrote, this is what stuck with me the most.

I think this is a problem. Based on this alone, my impression is that he would have pulled away and shut the door on you eventually for less than what happened.

I also feel that, if you manage to reconcile, this particular trait could become an issue again, causing him to pull away for yet another reason. 

For your sake and your child's,  I think you need to make peace with the fact that your guy is the type of person who can easily switch his feelings off and walk away. Adjust your expectations to recognize this very real part of who he is. If he ever makes promises about you two together forever, make allowance for the possibility that he won't be able to keep them. He may want to keep them at the moment when he makes them. But he may not be able to.

I genuinely believe that once you make peace with this, you will be better able to deal with whatever challenges you face.

Edited August 20, 2021 by Acacia98

[Leigh 87]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Out of everything you wrote, this is what stuck with me the most.

I think this is a problem. Based on this alone, my impression is that he would have pulled away and shut the door on you eventually for less than what happened.

I also feel that, if you manage to reconcile, this particular trait could become an issue again, causing him to pull away for yet another reason. 

For your sake and your child's,  I think you need to make peace with the fact that your guy is the type of person who can easily switch his feelings off and walk away. Adjust your expectations to recognize this very real part of who he is. If he ever makes promises about you two together forever, make allowance for the possibility that he won't be able to keep them. He may want to keep them at the moment when he makes them. But he may not be able to.

I genuinely believe that once you make peace with this, you will be better able to deal with whatever challenges you face.

This trait never bothered me although it does make it easy for him to move on. 

I had bookmarked it but he was able to emotionally engage me for long and consistent enough times for me to feel extremely secure and .. overjoyed to have him for all these years. 

I genuinely believe if we received decent therapy sooner, we would have grown old together. 

We left it until it was too late, and he's already colder than normal ability to disconnect once he's hurt enough emotionally, combined with the trauma any normal person would be scarred by - has sadly made it too scary for him to probably attempt at exploring whether his feelings for me can increase over time and gaining his trust back that we can address the previous dysfunction that tore us apart. 

[Leigh 87]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Leigh 87 I have a question.

Do you think your husband is saying/doing these things to you to punish you for leaving and taking the child away from him??

Do you think he is just being vindictive/vengeful because he wants you to suffer (as he suffered when you took the child away from the joint home) and moved away??

Is it possible that he does want to reconcile and live again as a family, but wants to "teach you a lesson" for leaving??

 

No. 

He's the absolute opposite type of person. Games and manipulation aren't in his make up. His mum was like that and he is repellant to that type of thing. 

He also booked my flight away and it was only supposed to be a couple months tops of me receiving intensive therapies and starting meds....

[Leigh 87]

9 hours ago, Haydn said:

The main focus needs to be on the needs of a very small child. You cannot spiral out of control and let it consume you. He seems like he simply cannot take it anymore. That is out of your control but the love and focus on your child is in your control. Focus on being the best possible parent you can.

Obviously i have used the word 'Focus' far too much.

Yep. 

 

Absolutely. 

 

Thankfully she's a spitting image of me. Although her face shape is all him. Mes her a little angel..a round face like his and steal blue eyes like me and all me otherwise.

 

I am healing for my and my child's sake.

Lots of small joys daily with her. She's a lovely little girl. 

[Leigh 87]

10 hours ago, clia said:

It's very difficult to say whether reconciliation is possible, because none of us know how he is feeling or his side of the story.  By your own admission he has been traumatized by your behavior over the past seven years.  Whether or not he can ever get past it is something that only time will tell.  But from your posts -- and the fact that the two of you aren't even speaking right now -- it seems like he is appreciating and happy with the lack of drama and trauma in his life right now.  And it's difficult to say whether he will ever want to go back or can trust that you will remain medicated and stable, when you haven't done so over the seven years that he's known you.  I'm very sorry to hear that things haven't worked out for you, and encourage you to get all of the therapy, both individually and as a couple, that you need.  All you can really do is show him that you are trying to improve and to remain steadfast to do everything possible to stay on your medication and get therapy.  It sounds like he isn't just going to abandon you financially, so that's good, but once you get your mental health in check you will need to start figuring out how you are going to support yourself and your daughter.  IIRC, you were almost done with a podiatry degree?  Can you go back to that?        

I am also in disbelief that you are not allowed to return to your home and won't be able to do so until at least next year due to COVID restrictions.  That is completely insane to me.   

Yeah western Australia is run by a psycho power hungry....man. Even vaccinated and willing to pay for our own hotel quarantine- residents with no home in their states they are stranded in have no way home. He expects us to just start a new life in whatever state we were stuck in during the time he shut western Australia's borders. 

[glows]

Your baby sounds adorable. I think you’re handling this period very well given the circumstances. Keep moving forwards with your own healing and therapy/meds. 

[Leigh 87]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

Your baby sounds adorable. I think you’re handling this period very well given the circumstances. Keep moving forwards with your own healing and therapy/meds. 

She is. 

I know it's definitely a long shot and unlikely and probably delusional of me to think this....

But I believe that as two, whole, healed people who both take anti depressants and anxiety medication, and both seek individual and couples therapy....  That when be looks into our daughters eyes and sees me over a long period of time being functional and the person he fell in love with. ...

 

I can't help but naturally feel he'll consider reconciliation. 

Mostly because the glue that held us together I know is still there, and with the level of dysfunction we had being removed, I do believe there would be a workable situation. 

I believe we could have been very, very happy together had we both received help sooner for the collective issues. 

The issue with separation and the likely impending divorce- I believe many couples aren't all that compatible or truly into each other on all levels - in the first place. 

[Leigh 87]

When I mentioned the potential of reconciliation, I am certainly not inferring to anytime soon. 

Both him and myself- feel the future has potential. And it would be a long way back to a healthy relationship. We have both put each other through too much due to unaddressed traumas. 

We both have to be committed to our individual recovery's. 

Any kind of relationship would be on the back burner and not even in the question, until we are healed and stable individuals. 

My only string of hope is very much future based; we have a child and our dream home and lifestyle ready, and it's about how we interact once healed.

I don't get the feeling that reconciliation is unlikely once we are at the stage of meeting again face to face, living together in our home, until we both figure out what to do in the longer term. That's the plan. 

Mostly, reconciliation is unlikely for majority of couples and I know the odds are against us. I've been in a lot of relationships and made a lot of mistakes. What I do know, is:

- we had the fundamental chemistry/ lust/ glue to begin with. This can act as glue as to just how far you're willing to go, in order to try and make something work. I believe despite him being disconnected emotionally for now, that the embers underneath it all are there. 

-we have great compatibility: same life goals, both comfortable with his work schedule. We struggled with my post natal depression as I was very ill and enlisted help from a nanny friend of mine which he lost respect for me for, as we only have the one child. But he still has some respect haha, hasn't lost all respect for me over that, he is just going to realise that I am fine to take care of my child when I'm healthy and well. Which he is seemingly forgetting I did during Covid lockdowns 😂 with zero help from family or him when he had to relocate before I could join him and I had absolutely no help .

Other than that one thing, we are a dream team compatibility wise. 

Please send good energy our way. He cries himself to sleep every night. He never cries but missing our daughter is putting him into a dark place. 

I know everyone thinks this, but I believe our connection and relationship is different, and we may be able to be the exception to the rule that does reconcile.

Via loveshack and my .. extensive dating history (I'm no Virgin LOL), I also know that successful reconciliation is slow. Painfully slow. It often requires therapy for both parties. Time apart, sometimes even dating other people or painfully awful and unfathomable things to our ego's. It basically means breaking the old relationship down, fixing the individual issues with professional belly, and the seeing whether the glue that held high together to begin with really was that special enough to want to build an entirely new relationship with each other.

I'm still married and took vows so I'll be waiting for him on the other side. 

[BaileyB]

On 8/20/2021 at 10:10 AM, Haydn said:

The main focus needs to be on the needs of a very small child.

This. The other focus needs to be on your own mental health. You need some crisis support right now, stay on the meds and get some counselling. 

Whatever happens with your relationship will reveal itself with time. The only thing you control in this moment is yourself, and you have a responsibility to care for your child. 

He may have said he would do anything for you and you would grow old together but that does not mean he is required to stay in an unhealthy relationship. He has apparently set a healthy boundary for himself and I respect that. 

Whatever happens, you will be ok. Reach out for help if you feel you can not cope -