Was l disrespectful or just (too) direct with my father?

[Fleiss]

Hi..My father, two older brothers, one SIL, and me (39M) were talking last evening. My mom suffers from dementia, which is also why l have decided to be with her during this 3-week leave. Father mentioned in passing that if she had such company she would feel/be better. As for this, in a neutral tone, l reminded him that when they were living alone in my hometown — after we had moved away work related — he should have spent more time with mom during the day , instead of spending the entire days with the sheep in the mountains. (Mom unfortunately had developed no ways of distracting herself, like watching TV, or going out to meet cousins, and other people.)

In a rather condescending tone, father replied saying he had to do that to feed us -- he would bring us meat and dairy from time to time. Gee, we had all jobs, and were really independent, and my sister and l had been constantly asking him to sell the sheep,  so as to not leave mom alone. (Whereas my oldest brother somehow encouraged him to keep the sheep.)

In a similar tone l told him he wasn’t supposed to mention even unrequested favors, which made me feel ungrateful. Also, I added  that he had primarily chosen the sheep over mom because he had wished so, in the first place - sheep have always been his love.

SIL and father told me l was disrespectful - father adding that he could have never said that to his father - but l replied saying l conveyed no lack of respect by pointing out his choice in the past for several years regarding mom. I also mentioned the fact that the  grandfather was authoritarian to everyone. This was to indirectly tell my father that he favors some, no matter what, and gets easily offended by others.  

SIL also said that mom was never really normal enough. "That's why", I told her, "she needed my father's company more. This is what I am stressing"   

My middle brother didn’t say anything, whereas the oldest one made some irrelevant comment. Anyway, after some time, my middle brother told my father that he shouldn’t really have gotten offended, as sometimes the talk can also get a bit hard. 

On a separate note, I should also add that my father and me seem to always have had a classic personality clash. I am outspoken and solution oriented, whereas he is passive aggressive and not at all solution oriented. With mom, instead of asking all his kids to share the care-giving fairly, he expects (and asks me) to cover most of the burden. When I ask him to be cooperative with something, he doesn't respond accordingly but becomes accusatory. 

As regards the "incident" above, was l disrespectful, or maybe a bit [too] direct with my father? Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

 - sheep have always been his love.

What you said is fine.

However dealing with dementia is difficult for all involved and it's common to pass the buck on who should be more responsible, care more,etc.

There's respite care for family of people with dementia. Your father decided to escape from it for a while to his sheep 🐑..

 

[basil67]

So he's blaming you for the past and you're blaming him for the past?  Perhaps the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

You had to move away from your mother as you grew up and left the nest.  But your father, by the sounds of it, was working on the land. If he had sold the sheep, how would he have supported the family? 

[Fleiss]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

What you said is fine.

However dealing with dementia is difficult for all involved and it's common to pass the buck on who should be more responsible, care more,etc.

There's respite care for family of people with dementia. Your father decided to escape from it for a while to his sheep 🐑..

 

 

Just now, basil67 said:

So he's blaming you for the past and you're blaming him for the past?  Perhaps the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

You had to move away from your mother as you grew up and left the nest.  But your father, by the sounds of it, was working on the land. If he had sold the sheep, how would he have supported the family? 

Well, in hindsight, I know I shouldn't have made such a comment at all, and start such a discussion.  My parents had their old-age pension, which was enough money for them to live on. We had asked him to only keep 1 cow tethered nearby, so that mom wouldn't have been alone all day long. 

[Fleiss]

We had asked father  to spend more time with mom, before dementia really affected her.  The problem is that they were never close as a couple. That's why father chose sheep over mom.

[Fleiss]

48 minutes ago, Fleiss said:

 

Well, in hindsight, I know I shouldn't have made such a comment at all, and start such a discussion.  My parents had their old-age pension, which was enough money for them to live on. We had asked him to only keep 1 cow tethered nearby, so that mom wouldn't have been alone all day long. 

Just to add and clarify something: My parents left the hometown about 3 years ago to be close to us. When my father made that observation in the beginning, I am sure he meant well  because,  after all,  I was spending 3 weeks with them and doing everything around the house 24h.  So,  I didn't take it as criticism. In fact, through my comment following his I wanted to stress the importance of providing quality time and company for someone - mother in this case -  when they most need it. 

As I stated in the previous message, in hindsight, I know, I should have avoided my comment,  as father took it really amiss. 

[glows]

Don't criticize anyone anymore. If you're solution oriented find a solution that also incorporates your father's coping methods. Come together as a family as much as possible. You can make suggestions but leave it open-ended for the recipient to decline or disagree. If your father disagrees with you, you have to accept that. Focus on being a good son/brother/friend to all of them. It doesn't make any sense ruffling feathers like this. 

[Fleiss]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Don't criticize anyone anymore. If you're solution oriented find a solution that also incorporates your father's coping methods. Come together as a family as much as possible. You can make suggestions but leave it open-ended for the recipient to decline or disagree. If your father disagrees with you, you have to accept that. Focus on being a good son/brother/friend to all of them. It doesn't make any sense ruffling feathers like this. 

1 hour ago, glows said:

Don't criticize anyone anymore. If you're solution oriented find a solution that also incorporates your father's coping methods. Come together as a family as much as possible. You can make suggestions but leave it open-ended for the recipient to decline or disagree. If your father disagrees with you, you have to accept that. Focus on being a good son/brother/friend to all of them. It doesn't make any sense ruffling feathers like this. 

As l stated earlier, l admit l shouldn’t have dwelt on the past last night. But sometimes you cannot totally erase its bad taste on the present and future. 

Back to the solutions...Early on, l had provided two major solutions:  either we find outside help and we all chip in; or we each specify our individual duties and chores to be covered during the week,  but my brothers didn’t cooperate. 

Anyway, you’re right about your point, as well, because I should think about maintaining my sanity, too.  While l should admit l am not the best person to deal with uncooperative or unreliable people, l have to care about maintaining perfect peace and harmony with them, too. Life can sometimes be really tough!

 

 

[glows]

Nothing's ever perfect though - not you or I, not your father or siblings. I cared for both my parents when they were at the end also. There were mistakes made, some resentments between siblings (all patched up now) and little lessons learned here and there along the way. You learn as you go from each other. I also learned I wasn't dealing with issues properly and could have enlisted the help from a support group much earlier on. Maybe I took on too much. Maybe I expected too much from others too. Either way what matters is that you're there. I think that says a lot about your bonds and your dedication to your family. 

[Fleiss]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Nothing's ever perfect though - not you or I, not your father or siblings. I cared for both my parents when they were at the end also. There were mistakes made, some resentments between siblings (all patched up now) and little lessons learned here and there along the way. You learn as you go from each other. I also learned I wasn't dealing with issues properly and could have enlisted the help from a support group much earlier on. Maybe I took on too much. Maybe I expected too much from others too. Either way what matters is that you're there. I think that says a lot about your bonds and your dedication to your family. 

I fully agree with you. Caring for a loved one with dementia takes you on a long journey where there is a lot to learn. Thanks a lot for your wise words.

[FudgeSwirl]

Dementia is such a cruel condition and it is very stressful on the family members.  It's easy to think of the "should have's" in the past, especially when it comes to thinking of the future our first thought isn't how dementia is going to rob us of family members.

Given how it cannot be easy seeing your mom in this condition, there is nothing wrong with what you said and his responses because this is all coming from a place of hurt; you all essentially are grieving someone who is alive so it's understandable to have these thoughts coming out.  This situation, though, also will bring you closer together as a family as you navigate your mother's care and the different ways you and your family members will cope.  

[Fleiss]

On 8/31/2021 at 2:40 AM, FudgeSwirl said:

Dementia is such a cruel condition and it is very stressful on the family members.  It's easy to think of the "should have's" in the past, especially when it comes to thinking of the future our first thought isn't how dementia is going to rob us of family members.

Given how it cannot be easy seeing your mom in this condition, there is nothing wrong with what you said and his responses because this is all coming from a place of hurt; you all essentially are grieving someone who is alive so it's understandable to have these thoughts coming out.  This situation, though, also will bring you closer together as a family as you navigate your mother's care and the different ways you and your family members will cope.  

Thanks a lot for your considerate input.. You couldn't be more right about it.