Afraid to ask him how he feels...

[ReMeGirl]

I have fallen completely in love with my best friend, but I'm afraid to ask him how he feels.

 

We have become very close friends over the past 2 years--but we spent the past year apart, because something happened in his life that took him away for a while. I thought about him every day during our separation, and finally worked up the courage to call his sister and track him down. Turns out, he lives about 5 miles from me now. This is weird because where we lived when we were friends last year is nearly 50 miles away.

 

We ended up spending last weekend together (normal for us), and it was like no time had passed between us. He told me several times over the weekend that he was really glad I'd found him, that he doesn't believe in coincidences and that we were back together for a reason.

 

He introduced me to some of his new friends, and we partied and had a great time. When we got back to my apartment, he got sick and I took care of him. Saturday he met my female best friend for the first time, and they got along great. That evening I cooked for him and he was blown away ( ).

 

Then Saturday night some interesting things happened. We were having a few beers and he started opening up to me--telling me very personal things he'd never told me before. Some of the things he told me upset me quite a bit. When he saw I was getting upset, he hugged me. Then kept repeatedly hugging me as we talked. Then as he hugged me he began kissing me--1st on the forehead, then on the cheek, then on the neck (the "spot"--ladies you know what I'm talking about). The kisses never progressed past that point, but I wasn't exactly reciprocating either. (I was too shocked/scared.)

 

Later we were in the car (I was sober by then--he was not), and he attempted to put my arm around him, but I drive a stick so that wasn't going to work. So he laid his head on my shoulder and went to sleep. When we arrived at our destination, we were walking close with his arm around my neck, and he asked me if I still love him. I told him "of course....always." He said "good." (Last year, I'd written him a letter professing my love for him, right before we parted. He assured me, more than once over the weekend, that the letter was not the reason we had been apart.) The next day, we talked more, hung out and watched a movie. Later that night, I took him back home.

 

We've planned to spend at least part of this weekend together, too. We'll probably spend most weekends together now, like we did before. I definitely know that we love each other (he told me last year), love spending time together, and connect on a deep level. I also know that he's physically attracted to me because, when we met, he was disappointed to discover that I was not single. (Now, I'm single.) I just don't know if he's ready, willing or has any desire to take this relationship to the romantic level. I'm afraid to talk with him about it because, for the year that we were apart, I just "knew" that he'd disappeared because my letter had freaked him out. But now I know that wasn't the case at all. Now, I'm trying to figure out what's going on in his head. I know the best thing to do is to just ask, but I'm afraid to.

 

What do you think?

[Neptune]

Well, at least it is good to know that somewhere out there may be a pot of gold that lies at the end of the rainbow for a guy who is considered "friends" with a gal:D

[ReMeGirl]

I think there definitely is hope for those of us who have fallen for our friends. Falling in love works on both sides. Who's to say it's impossible to progress to a romantic relationship because you start as friends? I've always heard it's better to start a relationship as friends, anyway!

[bunnzy]

You should have a heart to heart and just tell him how you feel. If you are too nervous just lean over and kiss him. Hes already kissed your neck!

[ReMeGirl]

Good point, Bunnzy. I think I may do just that!

[elijahBailey]

I think there definitely is hope for those of us who have fallen for our friends. Falling in love works on both sides. Who's to say it's impossible to progress to a romantic relationship because you start as friends? I've always heard it's better to start a relationship as friends, anyway!

 

I don't think he was ever your friend ( as in .... in your friends category )

 

You probably had feelings for him all along, no?

 

But, as for your situation, I'll be damned if he doesn't have feelings for you. But the fact that the kisses didn't go to the lips indicates he's still a little tentative. But, as long as you give him time and space to sort things out, you can almost be certain where this will lead to.

[laffytaffy4]

well if that was my crush in the situation youre in I would ask her out. you have a good chance so go for it.

[ReMeGirl]

Thanks Elijah & Laffy.

 

My friend and I have just spent the evening together (with his "friends" all evening, though). Before we went out anywhere, he couldn't take his eyes off me; probably because I got dressed up for a concert that we never made it to tonight. Now he's passed out on my couch...after coming onto another girl right in front of me (at his "friend's" house earlier). I'm blaming the alcohol--maybe I'm delusional.

 

(I said "friends" because they don't care about him--he passed out at their apartment and when I asked if he could sleep there and I'd pick him up in the morning, they said no. What kind of friend does that?)

 

I was getting good vibes from him for most of the evening. When we were out, he put his arm around me when he noticed a guy looking at me, he hugged and kissed on me all evening in the car, told me he loves me....then a few big Heineken's later, we're at his "friend's" house and he sat down next to some chick and looked directly at her chest and started talking to her (and I think he kissed at her when we were leaving). Should I chalk it up to the alcohol, or should I forget about trying to take this relationship to the next level? That really hurt me this evening when I saw him flirting with that girl.

 

You think he felt rejected because I didn't make a move when he kept coming onto me? Or did he just do something stupid because he was drunk? Or have I just made a mistake by trying to turn this into something that it's just not?

[ReMeGirl]

My friend and I had a talk yesterday, and I told him how I feel. His response was "you'll meet someone else." OK, but that's not how he's acting!

 

When he's drinking*, he's all over me and trying to impress me; when he's sober, he truly opens up to me but won't touch me except for in a platonic way. Actions speak louder than words and his actions do not agree with what he said to me yesterday. (Do drunk actions count?)

 

The other night (when he couldn't take his eyes off me--my last post), while I was getting ready so we could go out, he knocked on my BR door and asked to come in. When I let him in, he just looked at me and paused and was like, "Wow...you look beautiful." Then he got really close, put his arms around me and pulled me to him. I really thought he was going to kiss me. I could feel it emanating from him that he wanted to. His eyes were dilated and he was looking at my mouth. But instead of kissing me on the mouth, he just kissed me on the forehead. "?!?!?!?!" Is he trying to kill me? What is going on with him?

 

I would especially like to have Elijah's take on this. I know I didn't give my friend the time and space you suggested, but the time just seemed right to "talk."

 

Should I take what my friend said to heart or should I focus more on his actions?

[elijahBailey]

hey girl, sorry 'bout what happened....

 

I'm not gonna tell you what you should do but I'll present to you a certain aspect of the male psyche.

 

but first, know this..

1. he's def physically attracted to you. Know why? Well, most men can't start kissing someone they're not physically attracted to. And all his other actions attest to this fact. I'll not be duped to believe otherwise, just because he said some lame-o things at some later stage.

2. I've said this before, but I'll say again.... As to his feelings, it's probably tentative. He's probably trying to figure it out himself.

 

My take on why he did what he did is that he became full of himself. From where you began, you invested your feelings too quickly and without much reservation. From his point of view, you're a foregone conclusion. ie. you're already in his bag. You made his dinner, you took care of him when he was drunk, and you said you luv him. We usually run after what we cannot get and deride what we have and take for granted. This is just the way each and everyone of us behave instinctively, although, as we mature, we learn to take a little control of ourselves.

 

I think he's pretty immature. And he thinks now that he's such a stud. Stupid a$$. If I were you, I'd try and salvage some pride....

 

Tell him you think he did you a favor (try to sound very sincere)..... that you've come to realize that you didn't feel for him the way you initially thought. Also, tell him this is all very strange cuz you're usually attracted to better-lookin' guys (this is important cuz it'll crash his stock value). Btw, you also mention that you met some of his friends. Very casually ask (on another occasion) about some of his guy friends and tell him 'I dunno but I kinda find _____ (insert name of dude) cool and mature!! Is he going out with anyone?'

 

Personally, IMHO, he's not mature enough to be dating material. btw, the both of you are very very young right?

 

you're one decent and honest woman, and I think you're gonna make one he!! of a wife for any man fortunate enough to end up with you.

[ReMeGirl]

Thanks Elijah! I'm looking forward to using your advice this weekend.

 

I know it seems like we are very young, but he's in his mid-20s and I'm a few years older than him. I guess the relationship does seem immature, but that can be partially attributed to the fact that I don't have a lot of dating experience. I got married very young and was with my exhusband for several years. Since my divorce, I've had a few relationships, but I've never had a relationship start in this manner. Guys are usually very straightforward with me. I've never made the first move before now, so this is all very new to me.

 

I truly appreciate your advice. Now I understand him a little better!

[Curt]

I just don't know if he's ready, willing or has any desire to take this relationship to the romantic level. I'm afraid to talk with him about it because, for the year that we were apart, I just "knew" that he'd disappeared because my letter had freaked him out. But now I know that wasn't the case at all. Now, I'm trying to figure out what's going on in his head. I know the best thing to do is to just ask, but I'm afraid to.

 

What do you think?

 

You love him, and if he has any sense at all, he feels the same way.

 

Tell him. Could you imagine how you'd feel is something happened that took him out of your life forever? Would the silence between you have been worth a lifetime of regret...

 

I know you have doubts. Shed the fear, and discuss your feelings with him. It's the only way to know how he truly feels.

 

I hope that if you both feel the same, that you will finally get the chance to share each other's lives.

 

Peace.

 

Curt

[ReMeGirl]

Thanks Curt, for your take on this.

 

I'm still not sure what's going through my friend's head, but I'm going to be patient and wait it out. He's definitely worth the wait, and if we don't get to the romantic level so be it. He's been a very good friend to me, and regardless of the context of our relationship, I'm not going anywhere. I'm pretty sure he's not going anywhere either. I really love him, but it's not just that "in-love" love feeling. I love the person he is inside, like you love your best friend, you know?

 

BTW, I didn't quite have that talk with him, Elijah. He was here all weekend but I've been sick plus I had to work from home a lot this weekend, so we didn't get to have any serious conversation. However, I have been making sure that I act strictly platonically toward him--like I don't really care about attracting him--and he's acting a little differently. It seems that when I don't give him as much attention, he works for it more. So, in a roundabout way, I'm doing what you said, without words--and it seems to be working..but very slowly. But, like I said, he's worth the wait. I really appreciate everyone's advice; you've helped me with this situation immensely. Now, I will just wait and see. If anything interesting happens, I'll let you know.

[elijahBailey]

--like I don't really care about attracting him--and he's acting a little differently. It seems that when I don't give him as much attention, he works for it more.

 

works all the time

 

you shouldn't have to follow what I said word for word I like doing things subtlely, too. Oftentimes, silent messages are conveyed more powerfully than words. What's good about being subtle is that the other person is always trying to guess what you're thinking, and that, inadvertently, puts you on higher ground. Seduction and games are played out this way too. When you're ignorant, chances are that some jerks will come by and take advantage of the situation. I was merely trying to level the playing field

[Mary3]

You need to take and remember this : The alcohol removes his shyness, inhibitions and what he is doing to do he WANTS to do it !

 

He wants to touch you and kiss you when he's sober but chooses to do it when hes drunk.

 

That just means he is not adressing his true feelings,. The alcohol is doing it for him.

[ReMeGirl]

Interesting...

 

 

It's the weekend again...we'll see what happens this time.

 

BTW, all of you guys rock. I'd be lost without you!!

[Topper]

you seem to talk about him getting drunk a lot. I am getting the feeling that your friend might have a drinking problem. When he is sober deep down he knows that his drinking will sooner or later ruin any feeling you have for him. When he is drunk well drunks are drunks and who knows what is going through his mind. I doubt he even knows. you need to take a look at his drinking and getting drunk all the time. Can he just drink one or two beers and stop not get drunk? You have to remember for a drunk there is no relationship more important then his next drink. You will be second in his life until he is ready to face his drinking.

[mr mist]

I have fallen completely in love with my best friend, but I'm afraid to ask him how he feels.

 

We have become very close friends over the past 2 years--but we spent the past year apart, because something happened in his life that took him away for a while. I thought about him every day during our separation, and finally worked up the courage to call his sister and track him down. Turns out, he lives about 5 miles from me now. This is weird because where we lived when we were friends last year is nearly 50 miles away.

 

We ended up spending last weekend together (normal for us), and it was like no time had passed between us. He told me several times over the weekend that he was really glad I'd found him, that he doesn't believe in coincidences and that we were back together for a reason.

 

He introduced me to some of his new friends, and we partied and had a great time. When we got back to my apartment, he got sick and I took care of him. Saturday he met my female best friend for the first time, and they got along great. That evening I cooked for him and he was blown away ( ).

 

Then Saturday night some interesting things happened. We were having a few beers and he started opening up to me--telling me very personal things he'd never told me before. Some of the things he told me upset me quite a bit. When he saw I was getting upset, he hugged me. Then kept repeatedly hugging me as we talked. Then as he hugged me he began kissing me--1st on the forehead, then on the cheek, then on the neck (the "spot"--ladies you know what I'm talking about). The kisses never progressed past that point, but I wasn't exactly reciprocating either. (I was too shocked/scared.)

 

Later we were in the car (I was sober by then--he was not), and he attempted to put my arm around him, but I drive a stick so that wasn't going to work. So he laid his head on my shoulder and went to sleep. When we arrived at our destination, we were walking close with his arm around my neck, and he asked me if I still love him. I told him "of course....always." He said "good." (Last year, I'd written him a letter professing my love for him, right before we parted. He assured me, more than once over the weekend, that the letter was not the reason we had been apart.) The next day, we talked more, hung out and watched a movie. Later that night, I took him back home.

 

We've planned to spend at least part of this weekend together, too. We'll probably spend most weekends together now, like we did before. I definitely know that we love each other (he told me last year), love spending time together, and connect on a deep level. I also know that he's physically attracted to me because, when we met, he was disappointed to discover that I was not single. (Now, I'm single.) I just don't know if he's ready, willing or has any desire to take this relationship to the romantic level. I'm afraid to talk with him about it because, for the year that we were apart, I just "knew" that he'd disappeared because my letter had freaked him out. But now I know that wasn't the case at all. Now, I'm trying to figure out what's going on in his head. I know the best thing to do is to just ask, but I'm afraid to.

 

What do you think?

 

 

before i give my opinion, and i emphasise 'opinion' very heavily...your question is based on fear of rejection (no matter how anyone sugar coats it, its a basic reaction to letting your heart open up, our head tries and give us denial). if you feel that way, just do it. obviously be prepared for the worst. if you dont i would be giving you bad advice. this seems like its been going on for a long time. at least your basing your reaction on emotion, not your reasoning, if he someone that respects you, he will take that in to effect when you explain this to him. if not, do you really want to be with someone that takes no consideration about the way you feel? if yourself or he has come out of a realtionship recently, give it some time, love always comes round. there is no rushing for the real thing, but dont let it linger to long, or messages might be lost. only you can tell what is going on. so let it be, go for it, but put yourself in no danger of getting hurt. he will come around if he's worth it. x

[ReMeGirl]

Thanks Topper. Yes, he does get drunk alot. (I'm surprised no one else picked up on that.) He drinks so much in fact that I'm SURE he has a drinking problem. I feel in my heart that you are right about this. He's made promises to me to "drink responsibly," and he keeps those promises when I'm around. But the minute I'm not around, he drinks every drop of alcohol he can find. He did that twice this weekend.

 

The first time, we were at my mother's house. My mother and I went shopping, he stayed behind. When we came back, he'd polished off a 40, drank half the tequila in the freezer and was passed out on the couch. The next day, I left him at my house to run some errands with a girlfriend. When I came back, I noticed that he'd been sick again. So I checked the trash and he had finished off the bottle of Mudslide I had, and drank an entire bottle of wine. (I hid the tequila and beer but overlooked those 2 things.)

 

Whatever he feels for me, I know the alcohol comes first and I can't deal with that. I guess I'll just continue to be his friend, but not let it go any further than that--even if he tries to take it there--unless/until he conquers his demons.

[Mary3]

This boy is putting down some serious crazy juice and he sounds like an alcoholic . I recommend NOT getting involved with him and NEVER get into a car that he's driving. I lived this once. Its not pretty.

He wont change because you * wish * for it to be so....Its a LIFETIME of effort on his part.