How do you know when to continue a long-term relationship?

[loreneb94]

My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for over 10 years. My boyfriend provided me with love, home, and a support system, all of which I didn't have before we were together. My family has always been distant and my relationship with my parents nonexistent. Our relationship has been much the same for the past seven years after we got out of the honeymoon phase. We have been living with his parents and he has been without a job on and off over the past few years and I have been supportive as I can be while building my own career. I feel like we just go through the motions in our relationship and that it's been very stagnant for a long time. There's been a lack of intimacy for several years and it almost seems as if we are best friends instead of partners. He also blames me for not being there enough for him while I have been building my career. I received a job opportunity recently out of state and he said that he couldn't support it because he couldn't live without me here. It's a great opportunity for me, but it would mean choosing one over the other. I feel that I'm too emotionally attached to leave because he and his family are my entire support system. 

Do you have any advice? Should I stay and try and make the relationship work? How do you know when to leave a long term relationship? Should you choose a career over love? How do you leave a relationship without having your own support system? 

Edited August 20, 2021 by loreneb94

[DKT3]

I'm not convinced that you will have to choose.  I believe there is a good chance your guy is throwing a temper tantrum and will come to his senses. Yet there are some serious red flags with him.

[loreneb94]

He said that if I loved him it would be an easy choice and that if I go that it will end the relationship. 

[d0nnivain]

Sadly he's is all you have ever known.  He supplied you with a lot of what was missing in your life.  With him you feel secure, a feeling you weren't getting from your family.  

Now that you are older & are making something of yourself, you are starting to see his flaws starting with a unwillingness to get & hold a job.  

What you feel for your BF isn't everlasting love.  It's nostalgia for his kindness coupled with fear of the unknown.  His family has become your family & you worry that you will have no one, no support system, if you break up with him.   But that is no reason to stay. 

With a good job you have your feet under you  you can build something you can build a life.  His family gave you a foundation but just because he was part of your past doesn't mean he's your only future.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You do not owe him payback in terms of romance. In other words, if you think you owe him, then leave and pay him some money and a thank you.

But you do now owe him to stay in the relationship. We never owe anyone that--if they're stuck in a rut and not really working on things.

 

[introverted1]

What does your bf do?  Is there an option for him to move with you and find a new job there? Or is it a case that you are ready to pull the plug on the relationship? What do you want?

[Lauriebell82]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

What does your bf do?  Is there an option for him to move with you and find a new job there? Or is it a case that you are ready to pull the plug on the relationship? What do you want?

This is what my thought was too! Why he can't he move with you. 10 years is long time to be together! 

[loreneb94]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

What does your bf do?  Is there an option for him to move with you and find a new job there? Or is it a case that you are ready to pull the plug on the relationship? What do you want?

My boyfriend also works in marketing, but he refuses to leave where his family is located. He could choose to go with me but it is an international job and would require moving overseas to Germany. 

[loreneb94]

3 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

This is what my thought was too! Why he can't he move with you. 10 years is long time to be together! 

He's really close with his family and doesn't want to leave them. We come from two different cultures (i.e. He is Hispanic and I am Scottish). He also said he won't stay in the relationship if I go and that long distance isn't an option. 

[pianomanwoman]

I don't know. I stayed with someone for 8 years and they seemed like the family was controling them. I left and was shocked to see him marry someone he only knew for three months, do drugs and start a cult!

After that I was hurt that he gave up on himself and blamed me for everything that was wrong and kept marriage like a carrot on a stick just giving me excuses why it wasn't time. 

You gave this guy a chance for 10 years. Do what I did, you will find out where his loyalty lies. 

1. Separate bank accounts 

2. Buy a house and make him pay the mortgage for you

3. Tell him you just want to be good friends and see other people you're sorry but it's time for utimatum

 

I think Scottish is great, you can find a lot of boyfriends Spanish, Scottish, live it up! Be single AND date that loser both if he doesn't like it too bad let him marry his mommy. 

 

[pianomanwoman]

On 8/20/2021 at 1:01 PM, loreneb94 said:

He said that if I loved him it would be an easy choice and that if I go that it will end the relationship. 

Yes and don't be surprised when he gets up and moves to Germany without you, that's what his parents might be wanting for him 

[Sun Seeker]

2 hours ago, loreneb94 said:

He's really close with his family and doesn't want to leave them. We come from two different cultures (i.e. He is Hispanic and I am Scottish). He also said he won't stay in the relationship if I go and that long distance isn't an option. 

So he's basically a boy living under his family, not a man living his own life.

Sounds like you already know the answer, this relationship is going nowhere. Time to set yourself free and start living your life without him holding you back.

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, loreneb94 said:

He also said he won't stay in the relationship if I go and that long distance isn't an option. 

Moving to Germany is a big ask but don't let him hold you back.  

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, loreneb94 said:

He also said he won't stay in the relationship if I go and that long distance isn't an option. 

Follow your dreams rather than stay in an improbable, stagnant situation.

[Lauriebell82]

On 8/25/2021 at 10:58 PM, loreneb94 said:

He's really close with his family and doesn't want to leave them. We come from two different cultures (i.e. He is Hispanic and I am Scottish). He also said he won't stay in the relationship if I go and that long distance isn't an option. 

That is very tough. I'm sorry that your boyfriend is not willing to offer more flexibility to the situation. 

The good thing is that he has in fact stated what his needs and boundaries are, so you can make an informed decision for yourself (albeit a very difficult one). I feel like at this point you have given this man 10 years of your life. If you stay and give up this career opportunity, do you see the relationship turning into something more, and what is it exactly that you want from the relationship? Do you want marriage, a family? Do you see it happening with this man? More importantly...does HE? I would just hate to see you give up an opportunity for a relationship that may or may not work out in the long run. So if that's something you are considering, I would make darn sure there is a not only a future in this relationship, but the future YOU want to happen. If your boyfriend is not ready to make those decisions yet, then I would do what is best for you. 10 years is too long to continue to put yourself and your needs on hold! Your boyfriend is clearly not doing that. 

[elaine567]

Family is extremely important to some Spanish people, it is a cultural thing.

My advice - time to spread your wings and fly away...

[Caauug]

On 8/21/2021 at 12:43 AM, loreneb94 said:

My boyfriend provided me with love, home, and a support system, all of which I didn't have before we were together. My family has always been distant and my relationship with my parents nonexistent.

He has done well, but time and needs change. This all part of human nature and classic Briffault's Law. His poor employment status has lowered your attraction level for him. 

On 8/21/2021 at 12:43 AM, loreneb94 said:

There's been a lack of intimacy for several years and it almost seems as if we are best friends instead of partners.

You will have lost attraction in him with his lack of "Provider" and had a roll on with intimacy... That's understandable.

On 8/21/2021 at 12:43 AM, loreneb94 said:

I received a job opportunity recently out of state and he said that he couldn't support it because he couldn't live without me here. It's a great opportunity for me, but it would mean choosing one over the other.

 Yes, it's called "Hypergamy", you want to level up. You are advancing in employment and socially with your career, he is stagnant. Living with his parents will not help. 

It is what it is. It's natural you have these emotions. Try to make the best decisions with the information you have at that time.