Still in contact with AP

[Bestiefriend]

I have a question – Am I completely insane to think, that keeping in contact with a former AP, is a symptom of respect and love being gone from the current relationship? Even though the affair was never discovered, and the two involved don’t see each other, they still keep in touch 4-5 times a week by texting or SoMe. And on that note – Sending red hearts and kissing face emojies to one another every once in a while.

To me, that is just lack of respect towards their BS. And without that, there can be no true love. Or am I missing something here?

The reason I ask is, that I know of such two people, and it really rubs me the wrong way, when they remain in contact a few years after the affair ended. And even text each other, when they are away on vacation with their BS. I have read some of the text (Don’t ask me how 😊) and it does seem, that the affair is not happening, so there is no PA – But to me, they are still in some sort of EA, though they are not saying anything “lovey-dovey” besides the occasional “red heart and kissing face” emoji.

What do you think? Can there be any true love or respect left, if you decide to remain in contact with AP. And is reconciliation or even a whole heated attempt to make things work between you and the BS nearly impossible? To me, there is just so many red flags.

Or is it just me?

Edited August 20, 2021 by Bestiefriend

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like you are the AP and trying to figure out if your MP loves his/her spouse. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Sounds like you are the AP and trying to figure out if your MP loves his/her spouse. 

My thoughts exactly. 

[Bestiefriend]

It might sound like it but that is not really not the case here. I just don't know, how else to ask.. 

[glows]

Don't overinvolve yourself or read into their messages (it can mean anything and nothing). It's none of your business. If it is becoming your business, then make it not your business. I would rethink the friendship if it's causing you to lose sleep.

 

Edited August 20, 2021 by glows

[Bestiefriend]

I know it is none of my business, but when someone close to me, reveals such intimate info, in hope of some sort of understanding, it’s quite hard not to get involved. I have tried to explain to my friend, that my friend, has an obligation towards the spouse and make it better. Otherwise just it out. Since my friend decided to stray, the only thing that counts now, is to be the best partner ever, and that does not include an AP. Otherwise it is just fake.

Edited August 20, 2021 by Bestiefriend

[Starswillshine]

The rules of reconciliation is always that there is NC between the MP and the AP. And if the AP contacts, the MP should disclose and show the BS immediately. Otherwise, it is failed reconciliation. 

I divorced my ex husband because he talked to his AP after discovery. 

[glows]

36 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

I know it is none of my business, but when someone close to me, reveals such intimate info, in hope of some sort of understanding, it’s quite hard not to get involved. I have tried to explain to my friend, that my friend, has an obligation towards the spouse and make it better. Otherwise just it out. Since my friend decided to stray, the only thing that counts now, is to be the best partner ever, and that does not include an AP. Otherwise it is just fake.

I agree.

[Myabee]

43 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

I know it is none of my business, but when someone close to me, reveals such intimate info, in hope of some sort of understanding, it’s quite hard not to get involved. I have tried to explain to my friend, that my friend, has an obligation towards the spouse and make it better. Otherwise just it out. Since my friend decided to stray, the only thing that counts now, is to be the best partner ever, and that does not include an AP. Otherwise it is just fake.

Really this is not your business.

[Bestiefriend]

@Myabee - I know you are right, and I know i should stay out of this. Then again, what can one do, if someone seeks some advice. I'm not known to blow off a friend in need, even though I do not agree with my friend on this matter. I have tried to explain, that my friend and the AP are not playing fair game - They have already decided to cheat on their spouses and in my opinion still doing so.

I am a firm believer in trust and respect, and without the two of them, there can be no love. And that goes for both my friend and the AP. There is no use pretending. Either adjust to life without the AP, perhaps even admit it and bite the bullet, or let your spouse go. I don’t think there is something in between.

[Bestiefriend]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

The rules of reconciliation is always that there is NC between the MP and the AP. And if the AP contacts, the MP should disclose and show the BS immediately. Otherwise, it is failed reconciliation. 

I divorced my ex husband because he talked to his AP after discovery. 

I completely agree with you, bur in this case, there is no discovery – That’s why I think, it is so much easier for them to stay in touch. Apparently, they don’t understand, what kind of pain the caused others, so they continue to act as nothing happened.

[glows]

The cheating spouse is seeking your advice? Be honest with that person and then extricate yourself. By sticking around you are enabling that behaviour. Stay out of it if you don't agree with that person's actions. And also, that is not such a great friend if he or she is pulling you into that mess.

[Starswillshine]

3 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

I completely agree with you, bur in this case, there is no discovery – That’s why I think, it is so much easier for them to stay in touch. Apparently, they don’t understand, what kind of pain the caused others, so they continue to act as nothing happened.

Given what you have written, the affair is not over. They may not be having sex but it takes a lot less than that to have an affair. 

When DDay came, my xWH first told me it was only texting, and that was absolutely devastating to me. 

[Snakesalive]

9 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

u, bur in this case, there is no discover

Yet ….and where there is how will this make you look and feel ? If your friend has asked for advice what was the question ? 

[DingDang]

That's an ongoing affair. 

[Bestiefriend]

3 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Yet ….and where there is how will this make you look and feel ? If your friend has asked for advice what was the question ? 

The question was, if I was way off, telling that one cannot continue to keep an AP along, discovered or not, if you truly wants to save your relationship and be the best version of yourself. Not only for yourself but also towards your spouse. I told my friend, that I didn’t think he was acting fair, and he should call it off for good with the AP. There was absolutely no reason for them to interact anymore. By continuing, they were both simply robbing themselves out of true happiness. The continues lying and deceiving shows that neither of them really cares about their spouse feelings, and only cares about themselves. M friend had to make the spouse priority number one.

Oddly enough my friend did not agree with me – Nothing was happening between them anymore, so according to my friend, they were just friends now……… Go figure.

 

[Bestiefriend]

15 minutes ago, DingDang said:

That's an ongoing affair. 

That's what I told my friend, which was declined as there was no physical interaction - Only texting. My friends response 🙄

[Snakesalive]

5 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

The question was, if I was way off, telling that one cannot continue to keep an AP along, discovered or not, if you truly wants to save your relationship and be the best version of yourself. Not only for yourself but also towards your spouse. I told my friend, that I didn’t think he was acting fair, and he should call it off for good with the AP. There was absolutely no reason for them to interact anymore. By continuing, they were both simply robbing themselves out of true happiness. The continues lying and deceiving shows that neither of them really cares about their spouse feelings, and only cares about themselves. M friend had to make the spouse priority number one.

Oddly enough my friend did not agree with me – Nothing was happening between them anymore, so according to my friend, they were just friends now……… Go figure.

 

So if It's not an affair I guess the partners of these two people know about these text conversations and are fine with it? 

[Bestiefriend]

4 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

So if It's not an affair I guess the partners of these two people know about these text conversations and are fine with it? 

They absolutely don't. It started as an affair and turned into "friendship"

[Snakesalive]

3 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

They absolutely don't. It started as an affair and turned into "friendship"

Your friend sounds like he’s in complete denial -not uncommon unfortunately people get hurt and it all gets very messy and I’m afraid when it does the excuse of it’s just friendship won’t be enough 

[Bestiefriend]

But what I’m really seeking here, is some sort of justification, that what I told my friend, and what I do believe myself, is that one cannot continue contact with an AP, if you want to move on and try to work on your relationship. It does not matter how, when and why you talk, text or whatever, you have to go NC. Otherwise there is no respect and therefor no true love in your relationship. Am I right or wrong here?

[DingDang]

2 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said:

But what I’m really seeking here, is some sort of justification, that what I told my friend, and what I do believe myself, is that one cannot continue contact with an AP, if you want to move on and try to work on your relationship. It does not matter how, when and why you talk, text or whatever, you have to go NC. Otherwise there is no respect and therefor no true love in your relationship. Am I right or wrong here?

You're right, IMO. If it's a secret, it's bad for the relationship and it's lying by omission. 

[Bestiefriend]

1 minute ago, Snakesalive said:

Your friend sounds like he’s in complete denial -not uncommon unfortunately people get hurt and it all gets very messy and I’m afraid when it does the excuse of it’s just friendship won’t be enough 

So very true - I'm sure my friend is, but won't admit it. I do think that it eventually will come crumbling down on both of them, and that is why they have to end this charade.

[Bestiefriend]

3 minutes ago, DingDang said:

You're right, IMO. If it's a secret, it's bad for the relationship and it's lying by omission. 

Thank you - That's what I been trying to get my friend to understand, but we don't see eye to eye on this matter. My friend truly believes that there is mutual respect in the relationship, but what I really can’t get my head around, is how someone could claim that, when they continue to show the exact opposite, by testing a former AP. That is not respect. That is not wanting to let go of someone else. Trying to act as everything is fine, but it’s really not. That’s all a facade. That, to me, is fake love all around.

[S2B]

3 hours ago, Bestiefriend said:

It might sound like it but that is not really not the case here. I just don't know, how else to ask.. 

so are you the wife?