Author Bestiefriend Posted August 20, 2021 Author Share Posted August 20, 2021 1 minute ago, S2B said: so are you the wife? No - Or at least, I hope I'm not 🤣 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 3 hours ago, Starswillshine said: I divorced my ex husband because he talked to his AP after discovery What an idiot Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 32 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said: What an idiot Meh, definitely his loss, but I'm grateful for it all. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 2 hours ago, Bestiefriend said: Oddly enough my friend did not agree with me Not odd. It’s easy to understand why your friend doesn’t want to give up their affair partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted August 20, 2021 Author Share Posted August 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: Meh, definitely his loss, but I'm grateful for it all. How long after the discovery, did you find out, that he was still in contact with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 3 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said: How long after the discovery, did you find out, that he was still in contact with her? About 6 months. It is a long story and a lot of trickle truth. From just texting, to only saw each other once, to having sex but still lying about dates. So when I found out about contact, I was truly done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted August 20, 2021 Author Share Posted August 20, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: Not odd. It’s easy to understand why your friend doesn’t want to give up their affair partner. Guess you’re right – But if my friend or the AP really wanted to make things right again, then they should let bygones be bygones and just move on. Anything else is disrespectful. And as times goes by, it will only make matters worse. If the spouse finds out, I think it will hurt even more, when you’re been in contact all this time, years after the affair ended. Though nothing has happened, it’s the attention you still give someone else, you’ve had an “illegal” encounter with. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 20, 2021 Share Posted August 20, 2021 16 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said: But if my friend or the AP really wanted to make things right again, then they should let bygones be bygones and just move on. Anything else is disrespectful. What does that tell you about their commitment to “making things right again” - which, I assume to mean reconciling with their spouses? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted August 21, 2021 Author Share Posted August 21, 2021 7 hours ago, BaileyB said: What does that tell you about their commitment to “making things right again” - which, I assume to mean reconciling with their spouses? It tells me, that they are not sincere about it. Otherwise they would have made an effort to shut the AP down, and focus entirely on their spouses. It tells me they don’t have the slightest respect for their spouses and they care only about themselves and their own needs. Basically they don’t love their spouses, but they can’t for whatever reason, either give it 100% or simply just call it quits. That’s how I see it, but maybe I’m wrong. IMO love and respect has lost, and selfishness is the clear winner. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted August 21, 2021 Share Posted August 21, 2021 2 hours ago, Bestiefriend said: It tells me, that they are not sincere about it. Otherwise they would have made an effort to shut the AP down, and focus entirely on their spouses. It tells me they don’t have the slightest respect for their spouses and they care only about themselves and their own needs. Basically they don’t love their spouses, but they can’t for whatever reason, either give it 100% or simply just call it quits. That’s how I see it, but maybe I’m wrong. IMO love and respect has lost, and selfishness is the clear winner. It makes me question why you would want this person in your life ? Aren’t we supposed to love our dearest friends , trust them and feel they have integrity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted August 21, 2021 Author Share Posted August 21, 2021 7 minutes ago, Snakesalive said: It makes me question why you would want this person in your life ? Aren’t we supposed to love our dearest friends , trust them and feel they have integrity? As far as a I know, this is a one time mistake. I won’t let poor judgement ruin our friendship. I don’t agree on this matter, but my friend holds so many more qualities, that I simply won’t cut a friend out of my life entirely, based on a disagreement. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted August 21, 2021 Share Posted August 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Bestiefriend said: As far as a I know, this is a one time mistake. I won’t let poor judgement ruin our friendship. I don’t agree on this matter, but my friend holds so many more qualities, that I simply won’t cut a friend out of my life entirely, based on a disagreement. Fair enough. I guess then you just have to accept his poor judgment and behaviour and stop questioning why this is happening . Move on and enjoy your friendship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 (edited) If this behaviour was any part of my "reconciliation," I would feel dooped as a BS. I would be done. If this were me acting a damn fool and still being a cheater, then no, I probably dont love my partner and I am not invested in true reconciliation. How could one be if they're lying about and continuing something this awful? Love and respect are not things I see when looking at stories like this. Edited August 22, 2021 by Daisydooks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted August 22, 2021 Author Share Posted August 22, 2021 5 hours ago, Daisydooks said: If this behaviour was any part of my "reconciliation," I would feel dooped as a BS. I would be done. If this were me acting a damn fool and still being a cheater, then no, I probably dont love my partner and I am not invested in true reconciliation. How could one be if they're lying about and continuing something this awful? Love and respect are not things I see when looking at stories like this. That is exactly how I see it. Love and respect are not present here. If I were one the receiving end of things, I would probably also have enough integrity to move on. How someone can enter an affair, end it before it was discovered, and continue the contact, whilst playing house with the BS, is beyond me. That to me, is a facade, and shows enormous lack of respect towards those you were supposed love. Love, respect and to some extend trust are completely gone. I have tried to explain this to my friend, but it seems as we don’t see eye to eye here. My friend doesn’t consider this as bad as I do, since there is no more physical interaction involved, and they are simply just friends, that their BS’s no nothing about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 Are there kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted August 22, 2021 Author Share Posted August 22, 2021 20 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Are there kids involved? My friend’s got one kid but the AP doesn’t. And maybe that’s why my friend stays. Because of the kid. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said: My friend’s got one kid but the AP doesn’t. And maybe that’s why my friend stays. Because of the kid. Exactly. The friendship is making his marriage more bearable hence why he refuses to give this friendship with the AP up. Edited August 22, 2021 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 2 hours ago, Bestiefriend said: . My friend doesn’t consider this as bad as I do, since there is no more physical interaction Distance yourself. Cheaters love talking about their affairs to relive them and obviously can't talk to their spouses about it. Cheaters will justify what they do. You're wasting your time listening to this drivel. Just stop talking to her about it. Moralizing etc. won't work. Pull way back. Find other friends to talk to and hang out with if you find her morally reprehensible and you're tired of listening to her drone on about her lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted August 22, 2021 Share Posted August 22, 2021 On 8/20/2021 at 3:05 PM, Bestiefriend said: @Myabee - I know you are right, and I know i should stay out of this. Then again, what can one do, if someone seeks some advice. I'm not known to blow off a friend in need, even though I do not agree with my friend on this matter. I have tried to explain, that my friend and the AP are not playing fair game - They have already decided to cheat on their spouses and in my opinion still doing so. I am a firm believer in trust and respect, and without the two of them, there can be no love. And that goes for both my friend and the AP. There is no use pretending. Either adjust to life without the AP, perhaps even admit it and bite the bullet, or let your spouse go. I don’t think there is something in between. Yeah thats true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted September 3, 2021 Author Share Posted September 3, 2021 Sorry I haven’t responded and been silent the last couple of days. But I have some update on this subject. I’ve been hanging out with my friend a couple of days ago – Just a night out with a couple of beers etc. My friend’s been away on some romantic getaway with the BS. Just the two of them, which sounds lovely. But that is not the problem. During the night out, and with alcohol in the blood, I did ask, if there were any contact with the AP anymore. There was and apparently, they had had contact, while my friend and spouse had been on the romantic trip. That really threw me off, and I actually yelled at my friend. I remembered what you all I told me, that I should back out, and let those two deceive their spouses anyway they can. But the truth is, it is really hard not to get involved, when someone you love and care about, is on the wrong path, or doing something that is really hurting someone else. But while I yelled at my friend, I said, that I really couldn’t get my head around, how someone could be so cruel, disrespectful, dishonest whilst pretending to be exclusive with the BS on a romantic vacation. How mean is that? I basically told my friend, that what my friend is doing is not an act of respect and love, and my friend has got to face it. There can be no such thing, if you are texting or whatever your AP behind your spouse back, whilst being on a romantic getaway together. Am I wrong to call my friend out on this one? I literally just left after that, and I haven’t spoken to my friend since. Am I wrong here? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted September 3, 2021 Share Posted September 3, 2021 (edited) 47 minutes ago, Bestiefriend said: Am I wrong to call my friend out on this one? I literally just left after that, and I haven’t spoken to my friend since. Am I wrong here? Yes, it’s none of your business. Unless he/she (??) has asked for your advice. If they’re just venting, listen and let them vent. Nothing you say will change anything anyways. These cases always go the same way: the contact will continue until the BS finds out. After that, the deck of cards can be re-shuffled. Until then, same old. Nothing will change. There’s no reason to. The WS does what he/she wants. The BS has no clue ———> SNAFU. You as a friend have zero influence there. Edited September 3, 2021 by Pumpernickel Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted September 3, 2021 Author Share Posted September 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Pumpernickel said: Yes, it’s none of your business. Unless he/she (??) has asked for your advice. If they’re just venting, listen and let them vent. Nothing you say will change anything anyways. These cases always go the same way: the contact will continue until the BS finds out. After that, the deck of cards can be re-shuffled. Until then, same old. Nothing will change. There’s no reason to. The WS does what he/she wants. The BS has no clue ———> SNAFU. You as a friend have zero influence there. Well, I guess my friend didn’t exactly ask for my advice, but when my friend is so open about it, talks about it to me, then its hard not to get involved. But I have heard so much about it now, and it’s going nowhere. My friend keeps disrespecting the spouse, who has no idea what my friend is doing. And my friend don’t see the big problem, as there is no PA, but just normal conversation. I just don’t understand, how my friend can be so blind to how much my friend keeps disrespecting the spouse, when it’s obvious to me, that there is no true love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bestiefriend Posted September 3, 2021 Author Share Posted September 3, 2021 (edited) Like I posted earlier, I have a hard time understanding, how these dynamics works. I know lots of you, have been through the same, and I’m not here to judge anyone. I’m just a spectator to it all, and it is difficult for me to comprehend, how an affair that might be over and never discovered by the BS’s, can continue, whilst the WS’s claims to love their spouses. Set aside my friend’s situation, I’m mostly looking for some sort of verification, that I’m not completely off, when I claim, that there cannot be any love left in any relationship, if you continue to stay in contact with an affair, even though it is just normal conversation. To me, there should not be any contact. Has anyone been in similar situation, and why did you continue to talk to your former AP? I’m only trying to get a better understanding on why someone won’t let it be, and consider them lucky, that it wasn’t discovered. I might have lost a friend, because I have very little knowledge on this. Edited September 3, 2021 by Bestiefriend Link to post Share on other sites
HowToQuit Posted September 3, 2021 Share Posted September 3, 2021 (edited) Unless you are an involved party, catfishing as the best friend… I can not phantom how one can be THAT involved in a friend’s private life. Something does not add up here. Edited September 3, 2021 by HowToQuit Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted September 3, 2021 Share Posted September 3, 2021 I have stopped talking to a best friend who was in an affair. I just could not be a supportive friend while she was involved in an affair. It went against everything I believed in, and it put me in an awful situation. I don't think you are wrong for standing up for what you believe is ethical behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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