Maylady Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 I hope some married men answer. I dont know it there are stats on this or not. Are they just feeding us a line dor sex and ego stroke? I would like opinions. Especially if they are both married . Also in a brief affair is it possible to love that person more than the wife. 1
DKT3 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 I started reading these sites roughly 15 years ago and posting 6 or 7 years. I've read one MM that without a doubt loved his MW. He used to post here. Several others have truly cared. Most are opportunist. Why is it important to believe or even wonder if he loves you more then his wife? Are you competing with his wife? Don't you think she forced him to stay. 3
Author Maylady Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: I started reading these sites roughly 15 years ago and posting 6 or 7 years. I've read one MM that without a doubt loved his MW. He used to post here. Several others have truly cared. Most are opportunist. Why is it important to believe or even wonder if he loves you more then his wife? Are you competing with his wife? Don't you think she forced him to stay. I guess I'm just wondering about my own situation. Do men love the mistress or the wife....when all is said and done.
glows Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 12 minutes ago, Maylady said: I guess I'm just wondering about my own situation. Do men love the mistress or the wife....when all is said and done. On some level there would likely be care and interest for the AP, how much of that is self-involved and frought by personal issues in an existing marriage is very subjective and depends on the situation.
DKT3 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 17 minutes ago, Maylady said: I guess I'm just wondering about my own situation. Do men love the mistress or the wife....when all is said and done. He loves himself 6 1
DKT3 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 I didn't recall your story so I looked back. Over a year ago I asked you why you thought this guy loved you, you threw yourself at him physical he accepted a couple times then in both actions and words tried to dump you. You kept calling and texting. Your affair was completely one sided and this was based on how you told it. I can imagine his side would be closing in on criminal. No, he does/didn't love you, he treated you horribly and you still don't seem to get it. He actually told people he doesn't understand why he risked so much for some he isn't attracted too. Why are you putting yourself thru this a year later? 4
torn_heart Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 My therapist told me that I was in love with both women, that each had some part that really appealed to me (in the case of the OW, it wasn't just the sex) , both women are the opposite of each other and appeal to different parts of my own personality. 2 1
Luna66star Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 MM get infatuated with OW. It's not what we would call real love. Love means living with them, going through life experiences, ups and downs. Compromising, seeing your partner at their worst and best, sharing responsibilities, supporting each other through thick and thin. Affairs are fantasy and not real. You romanticize them. Sneaking off to play and keeping that person under the radar is called having fun. It shows the woman no respect and zero commitment whatsoever. Would you call any of this love? 7 1
torn_heart Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, S2B said: Wait, you actually can’t answer for how YOU feel? why would you go off of your therapist telling you how you feel? Because I grew up thinking I couldn't love more than one person. At some point of the affair I felt torn, and weird, because I felt I was in love with OW, but also my GF, and it was something really weird. The anxiety attacks started and when OW and I broke up and hurt like hell I went to therapy, because I couldn understand these feelings: how can I suffer a breakup with an affair just as I would suffer a break up with a gf and also be in love and in a relationship with my gf?? Complicated... Edited August 21, 2021 by torn_heart 2
NYAG Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 6 hours ago, Maylady said: I hope some married men answer. I dont know it there are stats on this or not. Are they just feeding us a line dor sex and ego stroke? I would like opinions. Especially if they are both married . Also in a brief affair is it possible to love that person more than the wife. In my experience of extra marital affairs the rule is not to fall in love and not to expect more than is on offer and that goes for both sides of the table. It's also the only way to effectively manage the situation until its inevitable end. And that's perfect if you're not looking for your forever partner. It can be as uncomplicated and satisfying as you need it to be. If you are looking for your forever partner, however, then steer well clear of infidelity wherever you sit in the dynamic. 4
NYAG Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 1 hour ago, torn_heart said: Because I grew up thinking I couldn't love more than one person. At some point of the affair I felt torn, and weird, because I felt I was in love with OW, but also my GF, and it was something really weird. The anxiety attacks started and when OW and I broke up and hurt like hell I went to therapy, because I couldn understand these feelings: how can I suffer a breakup with an affair just as I would suffer a break up with a gf and also be in love and in a relationship with my gf?? Complicated... The thing is, it's perfectly possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time. But most of us, those who follow societal norms - which is most of us, are expected to make a choice and that isn't always easy. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 3 hours ago, DKT3 said: Over a year ago I asked you why you thought this guy loved you, you threw yourself at him physical he accepted a couple times then in both actions and words tried to dump you. You kept calling and texting. Your affair was completely one sided and this was based on how you told it. I can imagine his side would be closing in on criminal. No, he does/didn't love you, he treated you horribly and you still don't seem to get it. He actually told people he doesn't understand why he risked so much for some he isn't attracted too. OP, if this is the MM you are referring to - no, he does not love you. Other affairs depend totally on the individuals involved, though we rarely see a MM here who says he loves his OW more than his wife. We actually don't see too many MM here in general. It's nearly always the OW who opens a thread. What does that tell us about who is suffering more emotionally? More confused about their feelings, to the point where they elicit opinions from strangers online? 4
searching heart Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 MM do Indeed fall In love with MW It may start as a infatuation but changes over time. The bummer IMHO is one party or another gets scared that it has happened and pulls away.
basil67 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Or it starts as infatuation, then they think it's love.....then it all falls in a hole and they realise that it truly was just infatuation 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, Maylady said: I guess I'm just wondering about my own situation. Do men love the mistress or the wife.... Unfortunately your affair is over. Affairs don't fix bad marriages even though you tried to escape your bad marriage through the affair. Focus on becoming more financially independent so you can reassess the marriage and affair. This man's wife confronted him and you. So it's not about who loves who more. The sad reality is that it's all lies and mistresses are just pawns in an ego game. Hopefully your situation has improved since this: Edited August 21, 2021 by Wiseman2
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 4 hours ago, Maylady said: I guess I'm just wondering about my own situation. Do men love the mistress or the wife....when all is said and done. It depends. In your case if this was the man you wrote previously about? NO he did not love you. Sorry. I know you want to have meant something to him else what were you? A fling, a temporary fix, a woman to have sex with... You were looking for love and affection from a MM... BIG MISTAKE, don't do that again. 1
Myabee Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 5 hours ago, torn_heart said: My therapist told me that I was in love with both women, that each had some part that really appealed to me (in the case of the OW, it wasn't just the sex) , both women are the opposite of each other and appeal to different parts of my own personality. That's what my therapist said about my MM. Same exact thing.
pepperbird2 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 9 hours ago, Maylady said: I hope some married men answer. I dont know it there are stats on this or not. Are they just feeding us a line dor sex and ego stroke? I would like opinions. Especially if they are both married . Also in a brief affair is it possible to love that person more than the wife. gently, I understand why you may want to know the answer to this, and it may feel like if you know the answers, ti would help you to heal, but it probably won't. Speaking in general terms, some men may "love" their ow, in as much as they are capable of loving anyone. The problem is that what value is there in that love? When you love someone, you don't want to ever see them hurt, you want them to be happy. What hurts them hurts you. Does this sound like what MM do? In this respect, BS and OW/OM are in the same boat. It's crushing to know the person who you love and who claims to love you could choose to hurt you. 3
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 25 minutes ago, Myabee said: That's what my therapist said about my MM. Same exact thing. And why it leads to confusion, hence the back and forth. Neither woman is "enough" to make a no brainer decision about. Both are needed to make the full package. 2
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: And why it leads to confusion, hence the back and forth. Neither woman is "enough" to make a no brainer decision about. Both are needed to make the full package. ...meanwhile, OP, you are getting AT BEST ONLY HALF OF HIM and everything he has to offer (probably much less if we are honest). I propose the better question for you to ask is: Why do you think you deserve only half or less of a man? 2
Author Maylady Posted August 21, 2021 Author Posted August 21, 2021 1 minute ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: ...meanwhile, OP, you are getting AT BEST ONLY HALF OF HIM and everything he has to offer (probably much less if we are honest). I propose the better question for you to ask is: Why do you think you deserve only half or less of a man? My relationship with him is long over. But i read married men in here say that men dont fall for women like women fall for men. Are they just fantatic actors then? 1
Ginger10 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 My xmm told me once that there is no reason he can't love more than 1 woman. He continued on to tell me he loves his mother,his wife and me. I of course said I understand and that it made sense because love comes in many different forms. As for your mm or xmm he loves or loved you ,but differently than he loves his wife. It's not that he didn't, but it's no where near the love he has for his spouse. I'm sorry you're dealing with all these emotions and it's normal to have questions it's just that the answers will be different in everyone's opinions. The only one who's opinion matters is your own. 2
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Maylady said: My relationship with him is long over. But i read married men in here say that men dont fall for women like women fall for men. Are they just fantatic actors then? I'm challenging you to think about your situation differently than from where you are currently coming from. Truthfully, if your relationship with him is long over, it is not yet completely over for you because you still have questions like "Did he love me?" I get it though. I understand it's a question most anyone in your situation would ask as part of one's healing process. However, some day when you are mostly healed and done with this, you will see that whether he loved you is less important to how loving you were to yourself by engaging with him. You will see it was almost all about his selfishness, much more about his selfishness than his love or his sexual desires (or your worth to him--which is really what your question is asking). See, where you are a bit stuck is you are still looking to him to determine your worth... i.e. Did he love and value ME (higher worth) or did he just use my body like a sex toy (lower worth)? This will end for you, and you'll completely heal, once you start looking to yourself alone to determine your own worth. Unfortunately, you put a low value on yourself when you engaged in the affair with him, but now that you know, you can choose differently. Instead of looking for love outside of yourself, I hope you will spend some time asking yourself what you need from yourself for yourself, and how you will accomplish it. I'm speaking of your emotional needs primarily followed by anything else that will lead to you having a happy, successful life. Edited August 21, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel 4
DKT3 Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 9 minutes ago, Maylady said: My relationship with him is long over. But i read married men in here say that men dont fall for women like women fall for men. Are they just fantatic actors then? What leads men and women to get involved in affairs? There isn't one answer, however, most women get into affairs while in crisis, real or imagined (most often some internal issues). While men generally are opportunist. This foundation can only lead to a relationship completely out of balance. Your the perfect example, you were aggressive and practically begged this guy to have sex with you. Of course he wasn't emotionally vested, heck I'm not sure he even liked you. He took the sex, and you saw him as kisa. This is why so few MM or OM post on these sites, they have sex it ends they move on because they aren't invested. 2
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 21, 2021 Posted August 21, 2021 Or let me put it another way using my story as an example... I still don't know if my xMM ever loved me. I really just don't care anymore. I think possibly he's not capable of real love and connection because he's too selfish and narcissistic. What I AM sure of is that he never valued me to the extent I deserved. I don't believe he recognized the full extent of how much I contributed to his life as far as genuinely caring about him as a person. Most important of all, I did not do myself any favors by continuing to show up for someone who did not value or care about me to the extent I deserved. Ultimately, this means I did not value or care about me to the extent I deserved because I continued to show up and accept less. Lesson learned. Hope this helps you. 8 1
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