GeorgiaPeach1 Posted August 25, 2021 Share Posted August 25, 2021 On 8/20/2021 at 8:46 PM, Maylady said: Also in a brief affair is it possible to love that person more than the wife. No. Why would he? He may be infatuated because the side woman is not the one he has to pay bills with, go through illnesses with, do chores with, raise children with, etc... Eventually, the infatuation wears off because those feelings are not based in reality. Even if he were to leave and marry you, how long before he becomes bored with day to day life and infatuated with a new woman? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted August 26, 2021 Share Posted August 26, 2021 I was deeply in love with my OW, and I was married at the time. In fact, I was so in love with her, that I walked away from my wife/marriage to be with her. In the end however, she didn’t leave her husband. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted August 26, 2021 Share Posted August 26, 2021 On 8/21/2021 at 2:46 AM, Maylady said: I hope some married men answer. I dont know it there are stats on this or not. Are they just feeding us a line dor sex and ego stroke? I would like opinions. Especially if they are both married . Also in a brief affair is it possible to love that person more than the wife. I’m one of those people that “don’t exist” - a fOW happily married to my fMM - so my answer will differ by necessity. I wouldn’t pay much heed to “love” - many MM claim to love their BW and look how appallingly they treat her? No, love isn’t my measure of whether or not you should invest, or continue to invest. Respect is what I would judge by. Does he treat you with respect, value you, put you first, make sure you feel secure in the R, show you by actions that you can trust him, and make it clear how very much you are worth to him? If yes, then that is a minimum (necessary but not sufficient) condition for continuing. If no, or if in doubt, walk away (unless you’re also just looking for a a plaything). 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 26, 2021 Share Posted August 26, 2021 (edited) Word to post the above. “Love” is a loaded word. I always include respect in its definition, but people often don’t . Edited August 26, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted August 26, 2021 Share Posted August 26, 2021 11 minutes ago, Prudence V said: Respect is what I would judge by Always this. There's no "love" without respect anyway, so there's that. My xMM definitely loved me. He got divorced, and we lived an official, out in the open relationship for several years after that (together 5+ in total). It does happen. I also always say that if somebody who is married (woman or man) goes through all the hassle of sneaking around, lying and the anxiety of being caught, they must be at least somewhat emotionally invested. Having a GF on the side, for instance, just for the sex, is totally not worth all that stress. If that's enough for a guy, he can go to a strip club and get a BJ in the VIP room. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted August 26, 2021 Share Posted August 26, 2021 6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: “Love” is a loaded word. Right? I wouldn't even know how to define it per se, without additional specifics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted August 26, 2021 Share Posted August 26, 2021 It's very rare, and you would know it if you were in this position. (Former MW here, now married to my former MM.) If you don't know it for sure, than it's not your situation. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted August 27, 2021 Share Posted August 27, 2021 On 8/21/2021 at 12:07 AM, Maylady said: I guess I'm just wondering about my own situation. Do men love the mistress or the wife....when all is said and done. There's really only one person on the planet that can answer this question, and I highly doubt he would answer honestly. Without getting into a philosophical debate on what love is and the subjective interpretations. I think a better question is would the answer really matter in the grand scheme of things? The outcome is the same. The important thing to remember is it is all the same in the end. We cannot hold anything forever; we all must say good bye one day. The focus on the journey because the present is the only part we really have. People come and go, but we mostly have to carry our own water. He came and he went; you still have you. The important thing is what does love mean to you today and are you not freely giving it away if you are uncertain that those who may possess it will not cherish it and/or return it. Love yourself first and the importance of whether someone else does or does not will greatly diminish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 On 8/26/2021 at 9:41 AM, Syre17 said: I was deeply in love with my OW, and I was married at the time. In fact, I was so in love with her, that I walked away from my wife/marriage to be with her. In the end however, she didn’t leave her husband. Evidence of a MM that was really in love. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Hrgirl915 Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 Maybe they love us, maybe they don’t. It doesn’t matter at this point. In the end they love their wife, status and family more so that’s why they chose to stay. It’s a tough pill to swallow. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 On 8/29/2021 at 11:25 AM, Myabee said: Evidence of a MM that was really in love. Thank you. And of a MW who wasn't really in love of her OM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted September 1, 2021 Share Posted September 1, 2021 On 8/30/2021 at 2:01 PM, torn_heart said: And of a MW who wasn't really in love of her OM. Appreciate your insight immensely 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted September 1, 2021 Share Posted September 1, 2021 Some actually do. Those typically leave their marriages and pursue a real relationship with their OW. Most just love the way the OW makes them feel. That is not true love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted September 1, 2021 Share Posted September 1, 2021 4 hours ago, Starswillshine said: Some actually do. Those typically leave their marriages and pursue a real relationship with their OW. Most just love the way the OW makes them feel. That is not true love. I'd 2nd this. Some do actually love their OW. I tend to lean on the side of it being a rarity. Some are in it for the thrills and temporary highs that this makes them get. That sure is not love.🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maylady Posted September 2, 2021 Author Share Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) 8 hours ago, Stevnx3 said: I'd 2nd this. Some do actually love their OW. I tend to lean on the side of it being a rarity. Some are in it for the thrills and temporary highs that this makes them get. That sure is not love.🤔 Do you think this is the case for most men? Because my MM man told me he was in a bad place with his health,a bad place with his job( he worked at this place for all his life. He said it defined him and he was scared he could be fired). He didnt think he could take care of his family. He didnt think his wife loved him anymore. He said i was a distaction...an escape from reality. But it seemed so real at the time. Edited September 2, 2021 by Maylady More detail Link to post Share on other sites
Stevnx3 Posted September 2, 2021 Share Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Maylady said: Do you think this is the case for most men? Because my MM man told me he was in a bad place with his health,a bad place with his job( he worked at this place for all his life. He said it defined him and he was scared he could be fired). He didnt think he could take care of his family. He didnt think his wife loved him anymore. He said i was a distaction...an escape from reality. But it seemed so real at the time. It is hard to say. As I am not in their head. It would be a case-case thing with context needed to make a proper judgement. I'd say this: Something is missing. That missing thing or thrill might be what they crave and find in someone else. Of course, I doubt it starts as love - more a need for something lacking. It may develop into love. But I doubt it starts that way. To me.. MY opinion on love: It always starts raging like a fire, and cools to long lasting embers. That takes time, understanding, patience. In your case.. I would say that he definitely does not love you. How could he? Aren't you just a "distraction?" Does he not hurt you with such words? Does he not hurt you whenever he puts all things else in life over you - is that love? His job. His current wife(whom he does not love either). His OWN pain. His reputation and work life. These are more important than you. I am sorry. It is the sobering truth. But know this: You are valued. First, value yourself and what you bring to the table. Next, vet out those who will value you rationally. Just know: Love never seeks to hurt or it's own gains. It doesn't mean that we do not have strife. But real and empowering love finds a way through it. He doesn't sound like he offers you that. Edited September 2, 2021 by Stevnx3 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted September 2, 2021 Share Posted September 2, 2021 23 hours ago, Starswillshine said: Some actually do. Those typically leave their marriages and pursue a real relationship with their OW. Most just love the way the OW makes them feel. That is not true love. Starting to fully believe this. Link to post Share on other sites
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