Abused by wife

[Mattlostatsea]

My wife abuses me. Emotionally, verbally and shows no affection towards me. We have one child. She works for the NHS and I only work 3 days. So she earns the money. 6 years together 4 of them married. She is  pushing me into a nervous breakdown. She hurt me intentionally whereas I hurt her by mistake or without intention. When she tells me I hurt her in some way o try to correct it immediately and apologize. She always has a way of bringing up the past or molding it to fit her narrative. Any discussion or arguement is brought upon how I didn’t complete a task in time or didn’t finish my chores or placed the wrong item on the shelf in the refrigerator. I suffer from bad sleep but according to her I only seek pity. No one has struggled as much as her and she brings it up anytime I’m sick or in pain or exhausted. I’m not allowed to work on any of my own  projects unless it meets with her approval. If I don’t feel something she feels I’m a bad person. If I feel something that she doesn’t than I’m expecting too much from her and being a knob. But she never hugs me or comes to kiss me. She talks about her days but doesn’t want to hear about mine. She buys herself a new phone and a new Apple Watch i get nothing. If I fall asleep she gets angry at me. If I don’t hear the phone ring as she calls in the middle of the night from the baby’s room there is something wrong with me. I’m so tired of trying to make her happy of looking for reasons to continue with this relationship. But I don’t think she cares.

 

1I can’t have any hobbies during the day because they interfere with the Chores despite all her gaslighting and making feel like I am always in the wrong. I’m always walking on eggshells and can never feel at peace when I go home for the day after work. I love her but I don’t understand why I don’t deserve it back. So she’s capable but just doesn’t want to show me love. ’m at the point that I just wish I could die or not exist. I don’t want to kill myself but I beg god to let me not wake up in the morning. I don’t want to leave my precious boys. I don’t want to think of her with another man. So I just want to cease to exist. I don’t beat her. I have grown impatient with her accusations over the years but she says that I have a temper instead of realizing that I’ve grown tired. Please just pray that I don’t wake up anymore someday. Please pray for me that I have a sudden heart attack or blood clot and just go in my sleep. I don’t want to live the rest of my remaining years in fear, in pain, in sadness. She has had so much money off me recently I'm starting to think its all been put to herc ex husband and not spent on what she said. She has 2 children with her 1st husband and she's not allowed to see them.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Mattlostatsea said:

I just want to cease to exist.  Please just pray that I don’t wake up anymore someday. Please pray for me that I have a sudden heart attack or blood clot and just go in my sleep. 

https://www.loveshack.org/crisis/

[d0nnivain]

The 1st step is acknowledging there is a problem.  Try to get some individual counseling.  See if you can get a job where you earn more & get out of the house more.  That should boost your self esteem.  When you feel more confident then you can either suggest MC or talk to a lawyer.  You can't go on like this.  

[LucyLocket]

I'm questioning why she is not permitted access to her two sons from her first marriage.  People follow patterns of behavior in relationships, and I suspect her ex-husband may have a story to tell, perhaps he too was subjected to the browbeating and denigration. Your children are seeing, hearing, and absorbing all of this negativity, so you are not the only one being abused. Please consider this, and also please consider contacting her ex and asking if he was subjected to the same type of abuse, you may find an ally and some support where you least expect it. Women get away with domestic violence far too often just by virtue of being a female, and constantly denigrating another person is domestic violence. Doing it to the point where the victim becomes clinically depressed and is considering ending their own life now comes under the umbrella of coercive control, and if you are in the UK I believe this has recently been legislated as a criminal offence, (check that). Your first step might be to see a counselor and discuss what's going on in your household. Make an "accidental" recording of her denigrating you if you can, it's easier than trying to recall and describe once you're faced with explaining what's happening.  

[spiderowl]

I can fully appreciate that this is very painful for you and that you cannot see a way out at the moment.  If you find a way to leave this relationship, you should be entitled to shared custody of your child.  

Persistent abuse does affect a person mentally and it sounds like you feel dragged down by it.  Have you seen your GP?  I know it is not easy to get to see a GP at the moment but it is important to get what help you can.  You need to tell your GP, in confidence, what you are dealing with.  They may be able to refer you to a counsellor or prescribe antidepressants if you wish.  I think the GP is the first step but please also look for support organisations for abused men.

It's an awful situation to be in.  I think it might help you if you accept that your wife is not the loving person you want.  She just isn't and probably never will be.  You need to find a way to live away from her.

You could try this helpline: https://mensadviceline.org.uk/

Very best wishes xx

[Cookiesandough]

When did this start? Get counseling and get out 

[Caauug]

On 8/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, Mattlostatsea said:

I don’t want to think of her with another man.

Don't be surprised if this has already happened but the OM didn't want a R with her and she has had to stay with you, the Plan B.... Not every man wants a single mum with a ready made family, but they can be fun in the sack....  One reason for the abuse, she feels trapped. She's treating you this way because she can, because you permit her. More you take the abuse, the lower your value will be to her. She doesn't show you any love because she doesn't have any love for you. She has lost all respect for you, there is no more admiration for you... 

On 8/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, Mattlostatsea said:

I only work 3 days. So she earns the money.

This is a problem. Normally the male will loose value when the female makes more money. You really need to try and change this....

You need to increase your value, to look after you. Do what you can to improve your 6 sixes. You may never win her back to love you again but if you improve for yourself your depression may/should be affected for the better. Exercise and get in shape, you don't need a gym to do this. Kick any bad habits. 

"Actions speak louder than words". If you don't ask her a question, she doesn't need to tell you a lie. Her actions are showing you she doesn't care for you. You need to show yourself that you are worth caring for. You don't need to give her ammunition's to be used against you. Let her discover the results. 

On 8/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, Mattlostatsea said:

She always has a way of bringing up the past or molding it to fit her narrative.

Yes, the victor will write the history books. She's winning. Don't feed the fire, don't give her reason to be angary. Prepare to loose her and your family, it's likely only the chores and your 3 days a week income is the only reason she is keeping you around. Yes, she decides the relationship, try to understand.

On 8/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, Mattlostatsea said:

She has had so much money off me recently

Or she is stashing it away for when she leaves you??? Lawyers cost money.... If you can, find out if she has another bank account. Consider yourself living with the enemy.... She is at war with you. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. 

Do what you can to protect yourself.

On 8/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, Mattlostatsea said:

I’m so tired of trying to make her happy

There is not one thing in that original post that would make any female happy or increase your attraction for a female. That is not what female attraction is about. Your wife might tell you that's how to make her happy.... It never will. Another reason for your depression. 

Note: Please don't take these comments as a personal attack. Take them as a wake up call....