WDG374 Posted August 21, 2021 Share Posted August 21, 2021 I've known this girl (we'll call her C) for just over 5 years now. We met in 2016 but she was 18 and I was 24 and engaged so I really only saw her in a little sister kind of way. We lost touch in 2017 but reconnected in 2018 (after my fiancée had left me) and we struck up a friendship. Between then and March 2020 we started hanging out a lot, going to cafés and museums and the like. We really get on well and have loads in common. When we're not together (because we live 135 miles apart) we're chatting on Facebook Messenger every day. I really love having her in my life. The problem arose because of the Covid lockdowns in the UK. During that time we've kept hanging out on Zoom and we've become even closer - she asks my advice a lot and tells me her problems and when she's struggling. And at some point during this time my feelings of friendship towards her became romantic. I realised this in May just as things were getting easier. And when I was on a trip to her city in June we hung out again. I knew of course that she might not be interested in me. These things happen. But just as I was planning to tell her how I feel she told me - she'd met a boy in her city in April (we'll call him A) and he's now her boyfriend. She's kept it private for a while because this is her first proper boyfriend but she wanted me to be the first to know. I think it was such a blow because of the manner in which I found out. I want to move on but it's been so difficult. She messages me every single day, asks my advice, sends me pictures of stuff she's doing, tells me she can't wait to see me again, asks when I'll next be in that part of the country. I can't move on precisely because she's always there and it's making me so depressed. She's the first girl I've been interested in since my last relationship fell apart. I know she's picked someone and that someone isn't me - I get that, I'm not bitter towards her or anything. But I'm so torn about how best to move on and stop feeling like this. I've even considered confessing my feelings to her just to get them off my chest, while stressing that I'm not trying to steal her away or anything. I mean, he lives a short walk from her, not hours by train like I do. I get he's probably better for her. I've so far seen three common kinds of advice: 1) "Don't tell her how I feel. It would be incredibly selfish to lay my baggage at her feet now and even if I told her I only wanted to get it off my chest she might still resent me and doubt whether the whole friendship was based on me trying to get with her." This I agree with so I've thus far decided to keep it to myself. 2) "Distance myself from her. My feelings for her grew out of our friendship so by keeping her as a friend I'm just reinforcing those feelings." As much as it would pain me, yes, I need to distance myself from her, at least for a little while. HOWEVER, wouldn't it be incredibly cruel to just do this and not explain why? Wouldn't she start to think she'd done something wrong? And if I did give the reason, wouldn't she (again, as above) think that the whole friendship was based on me trying to get with her, and that I don't care about her now that I know I can't have her? This is an anxious and self-deprecating girl who once cried because she stepped on a snail - whatever I do, I couldn't bear hurting her. 3) "Just tell her how you feel. You can't be friends now anyway so what's the harm?" It's tempting but again, it just feels too selfish. I don't want to be a dick to her. I don't want her out of my life. I don't want to make her feel bad, whether by making her think our entire friendship was based on me wanting her as a girlfriend or just ditching her and not explaining that it's my fault, not hers. I'm just so torn between my options and I don't know what to do. I think it's because I'm worried about the implications of the 3 solutions I've identified that I'm having such a tough time. And I'm also so angry with myself for allowing myself to get so emotionally attached to a close friend so quickly. (Also "date other people" isn't really an option - it wouldn't be fair on someone else to date them until I'm not so preoccupied with longing for C, surely?) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2021 Share Posted August 21, 2021 She has friend-zoned you. At this point she no longer sees you in a romantic light & probably never will. You are forever relegated to the role of big brother You can tell her how you feel if you like but that puts you in the role of home wrecker. She will think you are only saying something now, after she has found a BF, because you are jealous. She will not understand that you developed these feelings during Covid. She will think that you just don't want her to be happy & you will lose the friendship anyway Once you confess, out of respect for her BF she will have to disconnect from you. You can say nothing & continue being her friend but that will only make you miserable as she tells her male buddy (you) all the details of her love life. You don't need that & it will hurt to hear. Plus you relegate yourself to orbitor. My advice, ease some distance in here under the guise of giving her time with her BF so that romance can flourish. That is the nicest thing you can do for somebody you care about. Meanwhile in your head you repeat over & over that she is not available. FWIW, I don't think you like her as much as you have convinced yourself you do when things were locked down & she was your only social option. I think your feelings for her developed in part from a lack of other options. Knowing that == or at least considering that -- should make it easier to move forward in a healthy way. Link to post Share on other sites
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