Who should give in or just end it. Need advice

[Loureiro]

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of advice. My relationship is on its last legs because of 1 issue, that we can't seem to fix.  It's also the one thing neither of us will compromise at all. So here it is, my partner, mostly honest about everything else,  lies repeatedly only about her past, ex's/ flings and male friends. At first I didnt mind to much, since it's the past and its our present that matters. But for my past she demanded total honesty. I really was fine about mine, but not with the double standards. Anyway, what should have been a small talk when we got together and ended there, continued to come up again and again  and getting worse. Now 8 years after, it's become so big and bad that we can't move past it.  From her side, she doesn't feel bad about lying or to even try to say the truth. Because,  she says, it's her choice if she wants to say it or not.  This also includes not just her past, but current male friends, work colleagues etc that she keeps hidden from me. From my side, I agree with that about things she doesn't want to or has never said about her,  but I dont accept it about the things she as said and lied or made up. Or the male friends currently that she keeps me in the dark from. Like deleting all texts from and calls or hiding from me when they have conversations. I really didn't care much at first who she'd been with or having male friends, but after hearing several made up stories and several fake names, loads of lies and constantly hidden s***, I really want all the truth now. So my question, should she give in and say the truth, should I let this go or we break up?

[glows]

You can’t force anyone to say the truth. Aside from the lies, she continues to hide info from you and behaves suspiciously. She doesn’t trust you and you don’t trust her. It has all the makings of a dysfunctional and controlling/abusive situation. Walk away from this before it gets worse.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Loureiro said:

should she give in and say the truth

How would you even know if she's telling the truth, though? She could tell you anything and how would be able to verify?

Look, it's not like you can water-board a confession out of her. You don't trust her, so there's no real basis to continue the relationship anymore. Just be done with it. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Loureiro said:

.  This also includes not just her past, but current male friends, work colleagues etc that she keeps hidden from me. 

Are you sure this is the only issue after 8 Years together?

It's unclear why you have been together for so long but there's no trust.

As far as her past, well that can't be changed. As far as male co-workers and friends is the issue that you think she's cheating?

It's also unclear how this 8 year relationship has devolved into a police state with patrolling phones.

You both seem to be stuck in a power struggle. You want to monitor all and any male contacts and she hides and pushes back on this.

Even the title "who should give in" indicates a who's right who's wrong power struggle with of course you believing you're right and  looking for an unwitting judge and jury for your case.

Perhaps it is time to end it. The power struggle seems exhausting.

[d0nnivain]

You have been doing this for 8 years?  End it already. 

IMO silence about the past is fine.  Nobody is entitled to those details.   However, if she demanded complete honesty from you, she should have be willing to give you the same in return.  Her hypocrisy would have been a deal breaker 7.5 years ago.  

However, once you are in a relationship, transparency & trust are mandatory.  Her secretive relationships with all these other men is problematic.  She is allowed to have friends.  She is allowed to talk to them.  But for her to be so secretive about it all has eroded the foundations of your relationship.  

You can't get past this because she is constantly building new road blocks.   She is not interested in reassuring you.  You really have to ask yourself why she values her privacy about this more than your relationship?  When you answer that, you will know what to do next.  

[spiderowl]

You don't trust her and that cannot easily be fixed.  

Maybe you need to ask yourself whether your mistrust is reasonable or not - is she just behaving as a normal person would and you are paranoid about that?  Or, has she been hiding stuff and being wilfully deceitful for some time?

There is a big difference because if your mistrust is excessive for no good reason, you need to look at why you feel so insecure - was it something in your past that made you lose trust in women?

If you do not trust her because she has lied to you many times about things and you have caught her out in lies and have blatant evidence, then basically she's no good and you need to let her go.

You can't control reasonable and normal behaviour but you can leave someone if they are lying to you.

[Alfano]

If she lies repeatedly about anything she cannot be trusted,

What's a relationship worth without trust?

If you guessed "Nothing" then you win any prize on the top shelf.

 

[salparadise]

On 8/23/2021 at 8:51 AM, d0nnivain said:

Her secretive relationships with all these other men is problematic.

To say the least. If these were innocent friendships she wouldn't need to lie and delete texts. What you're seeing is only the tip of the iceberg. It will eventually break you down and destroy your sense of self. You deserve a relationship of integrity and congruity. Don't waste another eight years.

Edited September 6, 2021 by salparadise

[Loureiro]

On 8/23/2021 at 10:32 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sure this is the only issue after 8 Years together?

It's unclear why you have been together for so long but there's no trust.

As far as her past, well that can't be changed. As far as male co-workers and friends is the issue that you think she's cheating?

It's also unclear how this 8 year relationship has devolved into a police state with patrolling phones.

You both seem to be stuck in a power struggle. You want to monitor all and any male contacts and she hides and pushes back on this.

Even the title "who should give in" indicates a who's right who's wrong power struggle with of course you believing you're right and  looking for an unwitting judge and jury for your case.

Perhaps it is time to end it. The power struggle seems exhausting.

Thank you for your advice.  The way I explained it does point to what you said but in reality it's not. I dont want to patrol her phone, or even to win the power struggle. I just want basic honesty and truth.  And at this point in the relationship I don't want to  compromise on nothing less. I didnt point out earlier the reason i didn't end it sooner is due to a couple of really bad things she went through in her teens.  But 8 years after,  I think its gone long enough.  To answer your other question,  I don't think she is cheating, again also due to those things from her  teens. The issue I have is why the lies when there is no problem?  Its become compulsive for her.  And I just can't take it anymore.

I guess I already knew what I should do,  but wanted you guys  advice,  in case I was missing some other point of view.

[kendahke]

On 8/22/2021 at 12:36 PM, Loureiro said:

So my question, should she give in and say the truth, should I let this go or we break up?

Stop trying to control her actions. This is no longer about her and what she wants. She's already shown you and told you that she can lie, obfuscate, be deceitful and damb well do anything else she pleases and you can't.

If you can't live like that, break up. It makes absolutely no sense for you to continue one day further with her. She's showing you that you are not a priority to her--she requires the attention and most likely affection of other men besides you... and she's basically cucking you.

There is no other point of view unless you're looking for approval from cheaters.