Is my mother also a narcissist (I'm serious)

[samsungxoxo]

Hi people I'm not feeling good at all. This is long. Please bear with me. I'm wondering if besides some traits of BPD (borderline personality disorder), she's also a narcissist. I wonder if I've been living with a toxic, narcissist mother my entire life. I'm currently still living with my parents because I don't have the means to buy an appartment yet.

Whenever my mother wrongs someone, she either doesn't apologize and wants the person to forget about it or gives a lame apology following with an if, a but and more excuses. Then all suddenly she blameshifts and she includes an ''well you did also wrong on your part''. You'll never hear a full, sincere ''I'm sorry'' coming out of her mouth, followed with actions and consistency. If she issues a half-assed apology (or fake one), she expects the person to forgive and forget as if nothing ever happened and things to be swept under the rug. She never does anything to make up for her behavior and on top of that expects to be rewarded. If you don't act the way she expects you to or agree with her, all of the sudden you become her enemy. She also like accomodate events to her own version. If she really likes you she'll glorify you too much and give you additional credits you don't deserve. If she dislikes/hates you, she badmouth about you nonstoppable to others and portray you to others worse than how you really are; basically demonizing you as much as she can; all of the sudden the good deeds you did aren't told in the story. 

I want to point out these things about her too:

In March 2019 I had a stomach tumor (benign) removed, that was causing me to have low blood counts for 4-5 years to the point iron supplements weren't working anymoe. 3 months prior to my surgery (when doctors were still investigating my case), she asked for her monthly allowance. She claimed she needed money for her clothes business. I gave her money earlier than usual. The following day, I learned from my father that she had a rhinoplasty done for vanity, to look beautiful.

My father and I had to spend money on my surgery. My mother could've saved that money she wasted on a stupid nose job (for no reason) for my surgery; for my life. I'm still trying to coming to terms on how a mother can lie to her own child and then use money on herself than on her child's health/life. Those actions sure contradict her ''I love you, I'll die for you, etc''.

Long ago she also ruined my relationship with my bf. She demonized and tarnish his character to others. My mother was glad when we were going back to our country (I could've stayed and fought for my relationship but I had no balls to stand up against her at the time). She said it herself ''I gotta get you away from him anyhow''. Then recently after so many years, I find out she used to kick him out of the house, lied to me and others about him never visiting me and lied to him by saying ''oh my daughter isn't available, she's at a party dancing with her cousin''. She plotted against my relationship, my happiness. Then she once issued him a fake ''I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm a tough mother, blah, blah'' apology over the phone. Then she expected him to already forgive and forget and work on winning her over by bringing her good gifts and perfumes. WTH; she treated him like garbage and wanted to still be rewarded. Yet she acted surprised to know my bf doesn't like her. 

 Present-day

Now that I've confronted with all that (including her kicking him out part) and started giving her much less allowance, she turned against me. We're not on speaking terms on this moment and still views her as a good, fair person that never harms anyone. All of the sudden, everyone is wrong. All of the sudden, she can't understand why someone would not like her. I don't want to say any mean words but her actions point out that all she cares about is her being right all the times (even if there was video proving otherwise), her own ego/pride, herself, her happiness...it's all about her.

Edited August 22, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[samsungxoxo]

She has been behaving like an ungrateful biotch (excuse my language but she's pissing me off). She really expected me to give her the same allowance, more money after the way she's been recently behaving and the horrible things she said when I confronted her with all that. If she had just simply said an ''I'll consider what you told me'' and soften her tone, I would've given her money. But nope, she turned it into a yelling match, insulted my bf once again, turned against me and everything single good thing I ever did and is stuck in her own world.

She really believes that even if a girl's mother kicks the guy out of the house once or more and is antagonistic, that the guy still has to continue visiting the house, tolerating bad treatment, still try winning over both the girl's mother and the girl's love. Basically if my bf had continued visiting me, treated my mother with extra kindness even if she's treating him poorly, give her expensive perfumes...he would've won my mother over...even if my mother didn't do anything to deserve such treatment nor contribute to anything at all. She basically likes asking and demanding but isn't a giver. She takes, takes. She has no idea respect and royal treatment should be reciprocal. 

Edited August 22, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[glows]

I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice. You can’t change her. It’s a losing battle trying to change anyone. When will it be possible for you to move out? 

[samsungxoxo]

Yes I give up by now. There is no changing her. Unless (hypothetically speaking) my bf were to save her life during a crisis or natural disaster, she'll never like him. If we were to have kids, she'll be fake nice to him only to have access to possible grandchild (to brag to others how she's a grandma for the first time) while always thinking he'll never be good enough. She's an ugly person on the inside and outside. She portrays to her friends as a sweet angel that does no wrongs to anyone, that she's always fair and never made fun of someone, never lied, etc. 

I'm trying to save more money to move out. I don't know when that will be possible though.

Edited August 22, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[glows]

6 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

Yes I give up by now. There is no changing her. Unless (hypothetically speaking) my bf were to save her life during a crisis or natural disaster, she'll never like him. If we were to have kids, she'll be fake nice to him only to have access to possible grandchild (to brag to others how she's a grandma for the first time) while always thinking he'll never be good enough. She's an ugly person on the inside and outside. She portrays to her friends as a sweet angel that does no wrongs to anyone, that she's always fair and never made fun of someone, never lied, etc. 

I'm trying to save more money to move out. I don't know when that will be possible though.

My advice: spend less time, the least amount possible, looking for ways to impress her. Stay focused on gaining independence and don’t jump into any rash decisions with your boyfriend. Always be self-sufficient on your own otherwise you’re going from one toxic situation to another depending on your partner to provide for you. 

Your boyfriend has nothing to do with your mother. Make sure you put yourself in a position where even if he opts out or breaks up with you, you can stand on your own two feet and support yourself without having to depend on your mother since you disagree with her so much. Have some goals for yourself and complete them. 

[ShyViolet]

How old are you?  You need to just avoid her, don't talk to her much, don't get into arguments with her, and work on a plan to move out.  That's it.  Psychoanalyzing her and wallowing in anger about her behavior is not going to help the situation.  Just avoid her, and focus on your plan to remove yourself from the situation.

[samsungxoxo]

I currently have an online bakery business account on fb, which is slowly growing; it's been running since mid Feb 2021. One of my goals would be for my business to continue growing. Yes, I do eventually want to move out and live on my own. My plan is to be independent and not depend on anymore. My bf is basically my life companion I would like to have a child with, at least one.

As for my age, I'm currently 34 and yes time is running out for me.

[glows]

That is very admirable. Yes, keep focused on growing your business. What does your boyfriend think about children or family/marriage? 

[samsungxoxo]

7 hours ago, glows said:

That is very admirable. Yes, keep focused on growing your business. What does your boyfriend think about children or family/marriage? 

He wanted me to be able to be more independent and be an equally capable adult before coming to my country and having a kid with me. He was the one that kept pushing me to be better and know basic life skills. This might sound embarrassing but I started learning how to cook at the age of 30 (just 4 years ago). My mother had made me a useless person (she slowed down my development in both the adult world and socially) and my bf wasn't one bit happy about it at the time. 

Edited August 23, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[glows]

11 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

He wanted me to be able to be more independent and be an equally capable adult before coming to my country and having a kid with me. He was the one that kept pushing me to be better and know basic life skills. This might sound embarrassing but I started learning how to cook at the age of 30 (just 4 years ago). My mother had made me a useless person (she slowed down my development in both the adult world and socially) and my bf wasn't one bit happy about it at the time. 

It's not embarrassing not knowing how to cook. I can cook but don't like doing it. There are other things I'd rather do. It sounds like you have a knack for baking though so keep up with it and that drive and inspiration to build your business. 

[Cookiesandough]

Wow she has BPD AND NPD? 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Wow she has BPD AND NPD? 

Nothing diagnosed.  She may also be just a garden variety mean person.

[samsungxoxo]

5 hours ago, glows said:

It's not embarrassing not knowing how to cook. I can cook but don't like doing it. There are other things I'd rather do. It sounds like you have a knack for baking though so keep up with it and that drive and inspiration to build your business. 

Thank you. I know how to bake and cook by now. Sometimes I like doing a dish from another nationality or mixing it. For instance last week or so, I had leftover fried rice and I wrapped it up into a couple sushi rolls. 

My mother hasn't ever been truly diagnosed but the way she behaves matches some of the traits of a BPD and Narcissism. She has no control over her emotions when she's upset and says whatever that's in my mind for the sake of arguing, has mood swings and can go from extreme like to dislike; that's how someone with BPD would be like. Secondly, the things I've mentioned in my previous post seems to match that of a narcissist too. I'm no expert and could be wrong but she does displays several traits of those two disorders.

[glows]

12 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

Thank you. I know how to bake and cook by now. Sometimes I like doing a dish from another nationality or mixing it. For instance last week or so, I had leftover fried rice and I wrapped it up into a couple sushi rolls. 

My mother hasn't ever been truly diagnosed but the way she behaves matches some of the traits of a BPD and Narcissism. She has no control over her emotions when she's upset and says whatever that's in my mind for the sake of arguing, has mood swings and can go from extreme like to dislike; that's how someone with BPD would be like. Secondly, the things I've mentioned in my previous post seems to match that of a narcissist too. I'm no expert and could be wrong but she does displays several traits of those two disorders.

Most people have some narcissist traits. Observe that in her but move along firmly with your plans and your life. Don't let it overrule what you need to do for yourself and all your plans with your business.

That's a good idea about leftover fried rice. I'm going to try it if you don't mind. Do you mean fusion foods? I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to food but like seeing different combinations. 

[samsungxoxo]

I forgot to mention this. It might not be important but this has me intrigued. When my parents were dating, my dad's parents treated her like a daughter. She got along with her MIL from day 1 (my deceased grandma whom I shared her first name); they adored each other so much. She only had issues with my father's older sister but even then...his parents defended my mom.

I'm surprised she was an antagonizing bully to my bf. If her former MIL loved her, then you would think that's good enough to learn to treat others how you would like being treated as. Yet, she did the opposite. I'm positive sure my mother had those traits before but I'm guessing she got away with it and her former MIL and FIL didn't see bad side; otherwise they wouldn't have been happy about their child (dad) marrying someone like that.

Irony isn't it? If my dad's mom were alive today, she would've been ashamed and disgusted by my mother's behaviors.

Edited August 25, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[glows]

16 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

I forgot to mention this. It might not be important but this has me intrigued. When my parents were dating, my dad's parents treated her like a daughter. She got along with her MIL from day 1 (my deceased grandma whom I shared her first name); they adored each other so much. She only had issues with my father's older sister but even then...his parents defended my mom.

I'm surprised she was an antagonizing bully to my bf. If her former MIL loved her, then you would think that's good enough to learn to treat others how you would like being treated as. Yet, she did the opposite. I'm positive sure my mother had those traits before but I'm guessing she got away with it and her former MIL and FIL didn't see bad side; otherwise they wouldn't have been happy about their child (dad) marrying someone like that.

Irony isn't it? If my dad's mom were alive today, she would've been ashamed and disgusted by my mother's behaviors.

I'm distracted by the cat photo in your profile pic. Cute. When parents don't accept a choice in S.O. it can be hurtful and frustrating.. what does your mother not like about your bf in particular? Has she pointed out anything specific to you? 

[samsungxoxo]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm distracted by the cat photo in your profile pic. Cute. When parents don't accept a choice in S.O. it can be hurtful and frustrating.. what does your mother not like about your bf in particular? Has she pointed out anything specific to you? 

Thank you for the compliment. I've always adored cats since my childhood years and that one is a random icon. Yes, it is hurtful. My mother tarnished his image (making him look worst than even a robber) and made him look like the bad wolf in the story. She made him look bad to my father and her friends. She was the problem the whole time, all these years and got away with it for a long time. She planted me bad ideas about him, poisoning my mind. Because of her, I once broke up in a bad manner and even ripped our only photos. At this moment, it's been a while since my father realized her real complicated personality and no longer believes a single word nor her version of the story. 

In her mind, he'll always be a worthless cheapskate, user, idiot, only for the sex, manipulator, etc. She would've liked a wealthy guy with a profession that gives me money, takes me out on trips and vacation frequently and showers me with good, expensive perfumes, gifts and jewelry. In other words, my mother places too much value on a guy's ability to provide and MONEY. 

Even if I would've found a guy like that; my mother would NOT have liked him for his personality, for who he is and his good traits/qualities...just for the money and what gifts he provides. My bf isn't like that, he hates travelling (I don't like travelling either), likes saving, doesn't like giving out money like crazy just because she's a woman and believes a relationship should be equal. When my mother was demanding all that when I was in my 20's....I was even putting anything to the table. My bf thinks my mother is a big time hypocrite because she wanted him to do everything and me do nothing; not even cook at least.

Edited August 25, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[samsungxoxo]

I'm going to add a bit more about how she really is:

Flashback:

Long ago when my parents were dating, my father bought her a non-expensive lotion. In his face, she threw it on the floor and said that was for mopping floors, to get her a good perfume. He got upset obviously but he still got it for her.

She tried to teach me if I demand good gifts, good perfumes and jewelry (basically to never act humble to a guy), he'll value me a lot more. I hate that to be honestly. It's like I have to place a price on myself for a guy to win me over. I'm not a thing. I'm a human and why should a guy give money and gifts if we can work nowadays? Her way of thinking seems messed up. She continues calling herself a good, humble person. She's not. 

She demands for a guy too much but if a man were to ask for her to cook his favorite meal, then it would be a ''Omg, how dare you, well I can't cook good''. She's a medicore cook and always will be. She even admitted that she never learned to cook more meals because she hates it and is lazy. So she can be lazy but a guy has to do so much to please her...and her putting little to nothing in return.

Edited August 25, 2021 by samsungxoxo

[stillafool]

Wow, I hope your business takes off so you can move out and away from her.  It would do you good to go NC with her for an extended period of time.

[Cookiesandough]

41 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

I'm going to add a bit more about how she really is:

Flashback:

Long ago when my parents were dating, my father bought her a non-expensive lotion. In his face, she threw it on the floor and said that was for mopping floors, to get her a good perfume. He got upset obviously but he still got it for her.

She tried to teach me if I demand good gifts, good perfumes and jewelry (basically to never act humble to a guy), he'll value me a lot more. I hate that to be honestly. It's like I have to place a price on myself for a guy to win me over. I'm not a thing. I'm a human and why should a guy give money and gifts if we can work nowadays? Her way of thinking seems messed up. She continues calling herself a good, humble person. She's not. 

She demands for a guy too much but if a man were to ask for her to cook his favorite meal, then it would be a ''Omg, how dare you, well I can't cook good''. She's a medicore cook and always will be. She even admitted that she never learned to cook more meals because she hates it and is lazy. So she can be lazy but a guy has to do so much to please her...and her putting little to nothing in return.

Sorry if I make this assumption, but since your user handle is Samsung, I wonder if you are Korean? I ask because I am part Korean and my mother is very picky and superficial about the guys I date too. I’ve never introduced her to my bf’s as such, because I know she will be mean about it and they’ll never make the cut.  I think culturally Korean women just are taught the man must look and be a certain way and have a respectable job and make a lot of money ..  and I don’t care about any of that. Regardless, I understand what you’re going through 

[samsungxoxo]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sorry if I make this assumption, but since your user handle is Samsung, I wonder if you are Korean? I ask because I am part Korean and my mother is very picky and superficial about the guys I date too. I’ve never introduced her to my bf’s as such, because I know she will be mean about it and they’ll never make the cut.  I think culturally Korean women just are taught the man must look and be a certain way and have a respectable job and make a lot of money ..  and I don’t care about any of that. Regardless, I understand what you’re going through 

I like the Samsung brand (I used to have a boombox with that name) but nope I'm not Korean. I'm Peruvian; latina. Sorry to hear about you having a difficult mother too.

[Cookiesandough]

Oh okay! Sorry. Yeah, not nearly as much but definitely the pressure that comes with having an Asian parent. 
 

samsung stuff always breaks on me 

[glows]

You're too close for comfort so leave as soon as possible. You seem very influenced by your mother and affected by her opinions. It's hard to watch people mistreat each other, especially your family members. Take more steps to leave and move out as soon as possible. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by glows

[samsungxoxo]

43 minutes ago, glows said:

You're too close for comfort so leave as soon as possible. You seem very influenced by your mother and affected by her opinions. It's hard to watch people mistreat each other, especially your family members. Take more steps to leave and move out as soon as possible. 

I would love to if I had more money. She continues acting like the victim that did nothing wrong and I've hurt her when it's the other way around. I did nothing wrong but stood my ground and confronted her with what I found out. Unless I won some type of lottery or scratch ticket prize, I can't do anything but save more money and promoting my business more.

[Els]

Oh my lord. I remember reading your posts about your mother AGES ago. I'm really sorry that you weren't able to escape her grasp.

The financial situation confuses me. You say you have no money to move out, but you also give her an allowance. Now, I'm from a country where allowances to parents are common, so I understand, but at the end of the day money that you are giving her is money that you could be using to escape and live independently.