How to stop feeling insecure/worried when friends aren't in contact

[Hokuto]

On 9/17/2021 at 6:30 PM, basil67 said:

Sorry, I missed your reply.  

Their response makes me feel like they place little importance on Facebook birthday reminders.  That they reply to some and not others without a great deal of thought.   In my view, this pretty much sums up the far majority of FB birthday responses.  

I mean it sounds like they care right

[basil67]

No, it doesn't sound like they care.  Now whether they don't care about birthdays or don't care so much about you, I can't say.  But if a dear friend mentioned that their birthday had passed, I would know whether or not I'd sent birthday greetings. 

Also, don't put too much stock in FB birthday greetings.  I used to have my birthday in there and would get dozens of birthday wishes from all and sundry.  The whole thing was meaningless, so I removed my birthday and now only get the reminders from those who both remember and care.   That said, I don't care if a good friend misses my birthday

Who is this person to you?  It it your crush or a close friend?  Male or female?

Edited September 20, 2021 by basil67

[Hokuto]

So I have someone I consider to be a pretty good friend, maybe close friend and they have said I am good friend many times and once called me someone I doubt they'll forget and suggested we face time over distance. However, one time we were talking regarding the pandemic a while back and I said :do you know others who are staying as I think my friends are staying for now at least and they said:

most of my close friends are staying too, we wanna be together more

This kinda got me worried as the phrase "most of my close friends" means they don't consider me a close friend as they didn't say "other close friends". So does it mean I misread it and aren't as close as I thought

[basil67]

Yes, I would say that you're right.  He does not see you as a close friend.   But he does see you as a regular friend.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Hokuto said:

. So does it mean I misread it and aren't as close as I thought

Don't invest in people who don't invest in you. Best time and headache saver there is.

[Hokuto]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, I would say that you're right.  He does not see you as a close friend.   But he does see you as a regular friend.

Why do you say that?  Because the stuff he said implies we are close like calling me a good friend and doubting he would forgot me.

I mean, could they still consider me a good friend

Edited November 2, 2021 by Hokuto

[Fox Sake]

10 hours ago, Hokuto said:

So I have someone I consider to be a pretty good friend, maybe close friend and they have said I am good friend many times and once called me someone I doubt they'll forget and suggested we face time over distance. However, one time we were talking regarding the pandemic a while back and I said :do you know others who are staying as I think my friends are staying for now at least and they said:

most of my close friends are staying too, we wanna be together more

This kinda got me worried as the phrase "most of my close friends" means they don't consider me a close friend as they didn't say "other close friends". So does it mean I misread it and aren't as close as I thought

The fact they said “some of my close friends” leaves room for interpretation that there are close friends that aren’t there. Surely one of those is you. 

In fairness you did say “my friends are staying”  So if the shoe goes on the other foot, then they could say the same thoughts about you …. I think you are overthinking this 

 

I’ll just add an edit too, that no one can define your friendship through your paragraph of writing. There’s nothing malicious there, just the way you’re looking at it. 

Edited November 2, 2021 by Fox Sake
Autocorrect

[Hokuto]

3 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

The fact they said “some of my close friends” leaves room for interpretation that there are close friends that aren’t there. Surely one of those is you. 

In fairness you did say “my friends are staying”  So if the shoe goes on the other foot, then they could say the same thoughts about you …. I think you are overthinking this 

They said "most of my close friends are" and I was there at the time and this was after I told them I'm staying

[Fox Sake]

1 hour ago, Hokuto said:

They said "most of my close friends are" and I was there at the time and this was after I told them I'm staying

Okay , we will just acknowledge the first part and forget everything else I said to you, even tho I think it’s still relative with the information you’ve given. 
I think you’re being too sensitive about this. who’s to say you aren’t considered one of those close friends? 
And hey, if you’re still wondering then just tell them how much they truly mean to you as a friend and see what they say back. I always tell my friends how amazing they are and how much I appreciate them in my life. I confide in them and I take care of them. 
sometimes it takes longer for others to build as deep a bond as you feel with them. Been there. Just be consistent. Sometimes friends are super close then drift apart as they mature into who they are. It happens. 

Let’s do some digging tho cos there’s every possibility you could be right! I just like to encourage thought  what does your instincts tell you without possible insecurity involved?

How long have you known each other?
How did you meet? How often do you speak on the phone ? How often do you message each other? How often do you hang out? How often do you confide in each other? How much do you trust them? How open have you been with each other about sensitive issues from your past etc? 
 

 

[Hokuto]

51 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

Okay , we will just acknowledge the first part and forget everything else I said to you, even tho I think it’s still relative with the information you’ve given. 
I think you’re being too sensitive about this. who’s to say you aren’t considered one of those close friends? 
And hey, if you’re still wondering then just tell them how much they truly mean to you as a friend and see what they say back. I always tell my friends how amazing they are and how much I appreciate them in my life. I confide in them and I take care of them. 
sometimes it takes longer for others to build as deep a bond as you feel with them. Been there. Just be consistent. Sometimes friends are super close then drift apart as they mature into who they are. It happens. 

Let’s do some digging tho cos there’s every possibility you could be right! I just like to encourage thought  what does your instincts tell you without possible insecurity involved?

How long have you known each other?
How did you meet? How often do you speak on the phone ? How often do you message each other? How often do you hang out? How often do you confide in each other? How much do you trust them? How open have you been with each other about sensitive issues from your past etc? 
 

 

Wait, is the first part still relative/important? Why do you say that?

By then, we were friends for like a year, but met often and talked a bit. I helped them through a tough time once and they were grateful and later said I was a friend they probably won't forget

[Fox Sake]

11 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

Wait, is the first part still relative/important? Why do you say that?

By then, we were friends for like a year, but met often and talked a bit. I helped them through a tough time once and they were grateful and later said I was a friend they probably won't forget

It’s still relative because you said something to them about “I think my friends are staying” and he said his “my close friends are staying” . Sounds like you share 2 different friend groups. I can only go on what you write. 

Going by your opening post- the logic that you’re looking at this with,  neither of you included each other in the bracket of “friends”. You included your separate groups. I’m now confused if that point is actually even reading well, but never mind it’s not the be all end all , I was just being picky! 

Honestly , best thing you can do is actually communicate with your friend and find out for yourself. All you can get from most of this is speculation and it’s up to YOU whether you want someone in your life or not. Hang out with them. 
 

What you need is communication with your friend and not pick apart their words they used to describe another group of friends - much like I picked apart your words on what you both said. See how you didn’t even register some of what I said as relevant? Who’s to say your friend said what they said and it wasn’t intended for you to register it in your mind about where you fit in their friend-hierarchy. …just trying to make you think. I hope this makes sense. 

maybe you are close with each other in more of a one-one environment. Can I ask, do you think there a possibility that when you helped them through that hard time, you were a crutch to them? And now they are better they don’t need you as much, but still consider you a close friend who is separated from their main group of friends? 
 

Either way. All massive amounts of speculation on my part , and I also feel yours too. Judge your friends by the depth of your communication and trust with them.
You can still be close and at the same time be friends for other reasons. Maybe you’re an emotionally close friend. I’m not gonna tell you this person isn’t your friend cos no one really knows, but I can try to encourage you to think with a little more of an open mind. Friendships aren’t black and white, they have category’s, times and places and different things that have made those connections. Each is different and unique in its own right  

 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Hokuto said:

Why do you say that?  Because the stuff he said implies we are close like calling me a good friend and doubting he would forgot me.

I mean, could they still consider me a good friend

You heard his words and interpreted them as possibly meaning you're not a close friend.  I agree with your train of thought.

[Noproblem]

I have many people are dear to me, but they are not my close friends. 

Not the end of life!

Try to find a best friend!

[Hokuto]

15 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

It’s still relative because you said something to them about “I think my friends are staying” and he said his “my close friends are staying” . Sounds like you share 2 different friend groups. I can only go on what you write. 

Going by your opening post- the logic that you’re looking at this with,  neither of you included each other in the bracket of “friends”. You included your separate groups. I’m now confused if that point is actually even reading well, but never mind it’s not the be all end all , I was just being picky! 

Honestly , best thing you can do is actually communicate with your friend and find out for yourself. All you can get from most of this is speculation and it’s up to YOU whether you want someone in your life or not. Hang out with them. 
 

What you need is communication with your friend and not pick apart their words they used to describe another group of friends - much like I picked apart your words on what you both said. See how you didn’t even register some of what I said as relevant? Who’s to say your friend said what they said and it wasn’t intended for you to register it in your mind about where you fit in their friend-hierarchy. …just trying to make you think. I hope this makes sense. 

maybe you are close with each other in more of a one-one environment. Can I ask, do you think there a possibility that when you helped them through that hard time, you were a crutch to them? And now they are better they don’t need you as much, but still consider you a close friend who is separated from their main group of friends? 
 

Either way. All massive amounts of speculation on my part , and I also feel yours too. Judge your friends by the depth of your communication and trust with them.
You can still be close and at the same time be friends for other reasons. Maybe you’re an emotionally close friend. I’m not gonna tell you this person isn’t your friend cos no one really knows, but I can try to encourage you to think with a little more of an open mind. Friendships aren’t black and white, they have category’s, times and places and different things that have made those connections. Each is different and unique in its own right  

 

So their comment doesn't mean I'm not a close friend

[Hokuto]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

You heard his words and interpreted them as possibly meaning you're not a close friend.  I agree with your train of thought.

But could I be wrong?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Hokuto said:

But could I be wrong?

Yes, you could be wrong.  But as we can only guess at the truth, this is a lesson in not worrying about the things we can't change

[Hokuto]

I have a friend of 4 years, who I'd say we're good friends. They moved, and its long distance, so there are some expectations and we kept in contact. Recently, I was worried by their late replies, so when we caught up, they explained keeping up with long distance friends is kinda hard due to being busy, which is fair. Thing is, they are engaging with other long distance friends social media like commenting on their posts, which to me say, sounds like if they can't message or text, they are kinda trying to keep in touch with the bare minimum, but they don't do it for me, which makes me feel they just aren't keen on keeping up with me. Plus, I'm the one always texting them first, even if the replies are not dry and always asking to zoom when we do.  I might've caught feelings, which explain why I am bothered, but anyway, does their lack of interest on my post mean nothing

[smackie9]

This just means they have out grown your friendship and have moved on. Make new friends.

[Hokuto]

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This just means they have out grown your friendship and have moved on. Make new friends.

Why do you say that? Do insta comments mean anything

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Hokuto said:

I have a friend of 4 years, who I'd say we're good friends. They moved, and its long distance, so there are some expectations and we kept in contact.

Is this the romantic interest you feel may be gay because of certain posts?

[Hokuto]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the romantic interest you feel may be gay because of certain posts?

Its the opposite gender

[glows]

I think that person might know you have a thing for him/her. If there's little response, it means he/she isn't interested so don't put so much effort into what you're doing at the moment. Talk with other friends. 

[stillafool]

Yeah, it sounds like your friendship has run it's course.  It happens especially when it's long distance and people don't see each other in person.

[Hokuto]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I think that person might know you have a thing for him/her. If there's little response, it means he/she isn't interested so don't put so much effort into what you're doing at the moment. Talk with other friends. 

I don't think they know

I mean, there is no little response. They reply with effort and are engaged. Like I asked them how they are a while back and they told me this:

"you are so sweet for checking in with me!! i’m doing well because I have the right mindset to overcome challenges. after we talked it inspired me to meditate more and that’s definitely helping. hope you are well too :)))))))) are you?"

It's just that they never comment on my insta.

56 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, it sounds like your friendship has run it's course.  It happens especially when it's long distance and people don't see each other in person.

How? Because they don't comment on my instagram posts. Even when we were not long distance, they never did

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hokuto said:

Its the opposite gender

Ok so is it the woman you have a crush on or the pal from college?