Bam11 Posted August 23, 2021 Share Posted August 23, 2021 Hey everyone-- So myself (22F) and my boyfriend (20F) met last year (2020) around June. He was a server at a local restaurant and I was a senior in college finishing my Bachelors degree. We hit it off and eventually started dating after about 3 months. We were really good together-- we had so much passion, friendship, and healthy communication. We really had a special connection and he always told me how loved I made him feel. It was the happiest and healthiest relationship of my life. His friends and family adored me and we each had a life that was both together and independent. He eventually moved back home (about an hour away) and we have been doing "long distance" since Nov. 2020. We texted throughout the day during the week but spent most weekdays apart in our own cities with our own friends and family. We really only spent weekends together and went on trips together during this time. This past summer I had an internship about 2 hours away and was planning to return to my university in the Fall for grad school. I was going to accept a Full time offer with the company I interned with in and start work there in May 2022. He told me for months he was going to move with me and told his family that "our plans were to move to this new city together." We had long term plans to get married and start a family. Everything was great and we were continuing down this path together. In late July 2021, he told me that he didn't want to move with me anymore, he had spent time with me in this city over the summer and really hated it there. The next day he acted as though that conversation never happened and continued to text me throughout the day as normal. I was emotional after the conversation and needed a day or so to process how it made me feel. He told me I meant the world to him and he wanted to work it out. We gave each other a little space (1-2 days) and then he ghosted me for about 2 weeks. When I finally heard from him again he broke up with me via text claiming it would be too hard to see me. He said he just was unhappy with himself and needed time and space on his own. Unsatisfied with the via text breakup, I went to his house on August 8 for a real conversation. He was actually warm about seeing me and opened up about how he was feeling. He told me he felt lost and didn't know who he was or what he wanted to do with his life. He expressed that he was feeling deeply unhappy with himself and he cried in my arms for about 30 minutes about how he loved me but he just essentially couldn't do it right now with how he was feeling. He said he was unmotivated and he seemed extremely confused. I should also mention that I am not in the same place in life. I am "successful" for my age, getting my masters degree in Computer Science, getting job offers, focused, motivated, driven. I would have been the breadwinner for sure. He expressed to me in the conversation that I just didn't get it. I didn't understand how he felt right now and how hard it was to be lost with no direction. And perhaps I don't. We talked for about 2 hours and it was really powerful. We laughed and cried and kissed and he couldn't stop hugging me. He also kept expressing that I didn't need to leave when I started to get ready to go. He said he had really missed me and holding me again felt really nice. I talked to his mom for a while before I left and she expressed that she was shocked and confused about the breakup (as was I). She seemed to think it wasn't really over for him, and that he was just going through something and closing himself off. She told me she had never seen him love someone the way he loved me and she was surprised at how vulnerable he was with me during our conversation. His friends and brother also expressed that he was making a mistake, that he would never find someone like me again and that I was really good for him. He left the breakup very open ended, saying things like "This isn't goodbye forever, I'll talk to you soon. I love you and I miss you. I can still see our future together I just can't get there right now. Maybe in time we can get lunch and restart." and he also said that maybe in September we could meet up to talk again. So we have been in no contact since August 9th, but he still actively watches everything I post online and his mom still reaches out to let me know she's thinking of me. So what do I do now everyone? Is he really lost or am I just being played for a fool? Should I wait for September? or reach out eventually if he doesn't? Or is it time for me to clean house, let go, and move on with no attempt at reconciliation? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 23, 2021 Share Posted August 23, 2021 8 minutes ago, Bam11 said: So what do I do now everyone? Is he really lost or am I just being played for a fool? Should I wait for September? or reach out eventually if he doesn't? Or is it time for me to clean house, let go, and move on with no attempt at reconciliation? Please help. I certainly wouldn't say you're being played for a fool as he was quite honest with you about the way he feels. He's only 20 and is far less mature than you. It's good he recognizes that he's not ready to settle down right now so he doesn't waste your time. I think at this point all you can do is accept his decision and keep moving on with your life. You should wait for him to reach out and ask to see you in September. If he doesn't it's probably over for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bam11 Posted August 23, 2021 Author Share Posted August 23, 2021 Sorry it should be boyfriend (20M) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bam11 Posted August 23, 2021 Author Share Posted August 23, 2021 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: I certainly wouldn't say you're being played for a fool as he was quite honest with you about the way he feels. He's only 20 and is far less mature than you. It's good he recognizes that he's not ready to settle down right now so he doesn't waste your time. I think at this point all you can do is accept his decision and keep moving on with your life. You should wait for him to reach out and ask to see you in September. If he doesn't it's probably over for good. Do you think that it's really over for him? Should I reach out again ever? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 23, 2021 Share Posted August 23, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Bam11 said: Do you think that it's really over for him? Should I reach out again ever? No you should not chase him to get him to change his mind. You already showed up at his house once and that is enough. 53 minutes ago, Bam11 said: Unsatisfied with the via text breakup, I went to his house on August 8 for a real conversation 53 minutes ago, Bam11 said: I can still see our future together I just can't get there right now. Maybe in time we can get lunch and restart." and he also said that maybe in September we could meet up to talk again. He said MAYBE in September you could talk. That doesn't sound final but all you should do is wait and until then carry on with your life. Also do not contact his Mom for information as that would be intrusive. He may be watching your stories but he hasn't picked up the phone to call you. Edited August 23, 2021 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2021 Share Posted August 23, 2021 I think he's a fairly typical 20-year-old who isn't ready for this sort of big commitment, and feels bad for hurting you. Him ghosting you for 2 weeks before breaking up tells you what you need to know about his maturity level - it's very lacking and he's conflict-avoidant. He's not in a place to be in a serious relationship, unfortunately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2021 Share Posted August 23, 2021 He broke up with you -- twice. You are such a driven individual that his lack of focus makes no sense to you. Meanwhile your drive makes him feel bad by comparison. It was a fun Covid relationship but now it's over. Best wish on your grad program. He no longer computes in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
KissingFire Posted August 24, 2021 Share Posted August 24, 2021 I had this exact speech from an ex once. I was too good for him and he knew it. I was "successful", self employed, University educated, etc etc. It all became too much for him and he left me, saying he couldn't cope with the thought that one day I'd wake up and realize I was better off without him. Truth be told, I was. And then he got a new girlfriend a week later lol. I have no idea if all of that was BS, half true, or if he had just met someone else and was trying to break up with me without bruising my ego. I moved on and no longer think of him. Stay busy, OP. He's young and knows you probably want more than he can offer right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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