Thinking of separation or divorce

[Toya]

My Husband and I have been married for 11 years and been together for 16 years. 

We got married when I found out I was pregnant.

We were somewhat young at the age of 25.

We have two kids together and this makes it all the more difficult. 

He has been physically abusive leaving bruises up and down my body when we have gone into arguments to full blown fights. This has happened at sporadic times in our relationship and always under the influence of alcohol.

He has always been apologetic after and change his ways for about a year but there is always a fear in my mind of his temper and when it will go off. 

He has never hurt the kids and the kids have never witnessed any of these fights. 

I truly don't want to sperate and hurt the children in anyway. We are going to try marriage counseling (never tried it before) soon and I am hoping this can help more then divorce. I just would like some advice from someone that has maybe a similar experience and has worked on the marriage and is still together. 

[d0nnivain]

56 minutes ago, Toya said:

He has been physically abusive leaving bruises up and down my body when we have gone into arguments to full blown fights. This has happened at sporadic times in our relationship and always under the influence of alcohol.

Sorry but that is an absolute deal breaker for me.  Even if you forgave him once, the fact that he did it again, there would be no 3rd chance.  

A MC isn't going to solve this.  Him being in AA & never drinking again plus anger management, maybe. . . you can go forward. 

I will tell you this, when my FIL was married to my MIL, he was an abusive drunk.  She got fed up, got a restraining order & divorced him.  By the time I came along FIL had been sober for 25 years.  He is a kind, loving man & his relationship with his 2nd wife is wonderful, but that was only after he quit drinking.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Toya said:

He has been physically abusive leaving bruises up and down my body when we have gone into arguments to full blown fights. This has happened at sporadic times in our relationship and always under the influence of alcohol.

 Sorry this is happening. Read up on abuse and google "cycle of violence".

You seem afraid to leave and afraid to stay.

There are many domestic violence organizations and hotline who you could contact an discuss your situation with.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Toya said:

My Husband and I have been married for 11 years and been together for 16 years. 

We got married when I found out I was pregnant.

We were somewhat young at the age of 25.

We have two kids together and this makes it all the more difficult. 

He has been physically abusive leaving bruises up and down my body when we have gone into arguments to full blown fights. This has happened at sporadic times in our relationship and always under the influence of alcohol.

He has always been apologetic after and change his ways for about a year but there is always a fear in my mind of his temper and when it will go off. 

He has never hurt the kids and the kids have never witnessed any of these fights. 

I truly don't want to sperate and hurt the children in anyway. We are going to try marriage counseling (never tried it before) soon and I am hoping this can help more then divorce. I just would like some advice from someone that has maybe a similar experience and has worked on the marriage and is still together. 

I am so sorry to hear this. Your children are seeing the abuse and normalizing it also or they will see it eventually. Please break that cycle and leave. 

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry your here! 

This is not good.  First of, it takes two to argue you two need separate before the kids catch on, and they tell a friend or a teacher then ccp get involved. Then the two of you might loose the kids. The sooner you separate the better before something bad happens. 

Just to mention i have a female friend who went through the same thing and she had internal scars for a long time. 

Best of luck. 

[Toya]

Thank you all for your advice. I am looking into some therapy. Help me get strong enough. 

[JRabbit]

1 minute ago, Toya said:

Help me get strong enough. 

You are strong. You are not alone. I have been in your shoes unfortunately for me, it was too late as I was almost killed the last time it happened.

Get away before it gets to that.

Do you have family or friends who can be a support system?

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Toya said:

Thank you all for your advice. I am looking into some therapy. Help me get strong enough. 

Please leave this abusive cycle.

[Cookiesandough]

5 minutes ago, Toya said:

Thank you all for your advice. I am looking into some therapy. Help me get strong enough. 

You can do it, Toya. Believe in you 🤎. There’s love and light on the other side 

[Harry Korsnes]

Everybody on here is rooting for you. 

What ever you do DO NOT GO TO THERAPY before you separate, bc thay'll jast want you two to work through it, i think its gone to for that.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Toya said:

Thank you all for your advice. I am looking into some therapy. Help me get strong enough. 

You're already strong enough.  This will not stop happening.  You're always sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to go off.  Good he doesn't hit the kids (yet).  They will be happier in a home where their mother is happy and has peace of mind.  You can still co-parent if he is good to the kids.

[Lauriebell82]

7 hours ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Everybody on here is rooting for you. 

What ever you do DO NOT GO TO THERAPY before you separate, bc thay'll jast want you two to work through it, i think its gone to for that.

My advice is that you should go to therapy both for yourself and for couples therapy...but do a trial separation for your own safety while in therapy. Your husband needs to work out his own issues and for your own safety you should not be living him. Trust me I know this stuff, as I have dealt with this in my career. If what comes out of couples therapy is that you learn to effectively coparent and in the process accept that change is not possible for you as a couple, then it may benefit you. If he gets something out of the therapy and actually learns better ways to cope with his anger and better ways to communicate, great! Win-win all around. 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[FudgeSwirl]

You are already so strong and are doing a great job realizing what your husband is doing is unacceptable and that you want the best for your children.

Going to counseling one-on-one is a great idea.  The counselor will even assist you with steps for your safety as well as provide your will resources to help you with your next steps.

Being your husband is physically abusive even if it is only when he is drunk you should start considering a safe place to escape to with your children whether it's a family member or friend.  You never know when that drunk abuse can transform into abuse without the influence so I recommend escaping when he is not around for a really long period time like a word day.  He shouldn't know your location even if his communication with you via phone seems calm and collected.  If he knows the passwords/pin numbers to any of your personal accounts, change them and make sure he has no way of tracking your location on your phone like the "Find My Friends" app on the iPhone.

He really needs help himself regarding his drinking and if the reason behind his drinking is that he is unhappy, it continues to pose a very dangerous situation for you and your children.  There are too many cases of abuse that end in death.   It's also important to be separate from him right now because if word gets out you are being physically harmed, CPC will get involved even if he isn't touching the kids.