Why is she so mean ?

[Er2907]

Hi guys.

I'm working in a bar and I was sleeping with this girl I'm working with. It lasted a 2 months, time for me to develop feelings.

She always told me she didn't want relationship, and I was pretending to accept it.

We were going out shopping, were very close to each others outside of work, she would cuddle me, hold my hand in the street when we were out. We clearly acted like a couple so I was a bit confused. She was telling me, I like you so much, I'm gonna miss you when I'll go on holiday..

She went in holiday and slept with her ex, the one she told me she fell out of love for. When she came back she carried on sleeping with me because I couldn't say no, and because I didn't know straight away that she slept with him.

We were quite arguing because my feelings were talking. Once a girl I'm talking to, without anything else came to the bar and asked for me. I wasn't there, but when I was in bed (I live at work) she came to my room, drunk and started shouting at me because apparently I was a liar because I told her that I wasn't talking to anyone.

 

3 days ago she stopped everything, telling me that she wouldn't change her mind. On the same night she came to my room in the middle of the night asking for sex, which I refused and she said the only reason I came is because I was horny.

We didn't talk after that

Tonight we didn't talk at all, I was working and she was at the bar drinking with colleagues, and she ended up going to her room with someone working in our company, right in front me and she went to bed with him

Knowing that I have feelings, why is she doing this ? Shouting at me when I talk to a girl, but going to bed with someone right in front of me. I don't care that she sleeps with someone, we're not together. But I have feelings and I think she could have at least made sure that I don't see them going in her room.

We live at the same place, we work together. I have feelings and she destroyed me by doing this. Even though she doesn't have feelings, I'm still a human being and don't deserve this..

 

I don't know what to do...

Edited August 24, 2021 by Er2907
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[d0nnivain]

Sadly this is what happens when you date people in your physical proximity.  When it ends you get to see them with others  

Unless you want to get a new job & a new place to live you are going to have to put on blinders when it comes to her.  Sorry It sucks.  

[Taramere]

4 hours ago, Er2907 said:

 

I don't know what to do...

 I think you only have two choices here.  Either finding another job so that you can get out of a situation that's bringing you unhappiness and excessive drama - or, if you really don't want to do that, you're going to have to somehow develop genuine indifference to this girl in a hurry.  Fake it until you make it.  Google "How to Be Indifferent: 14 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow".  I know that might sound like pretty trite advice, but it you're a bit trapped in this situation at the moment I think you're going to have to develop a strategy to manage it rapidly.  If she's coming into your room at night, I'm guessing this means you have a room - and it must surely be lockable.  Lock it. 

If she bangs in the door, make a complaint of sexual harassment.  Just don't play her game at all.  Don't sleep with her - and remember that women aren't magically entitled to have sex with anybody they wish to.  Just like men, there are certain rules regarding consent that they have to abide by.  You are absolutely entitled to say no to her, and to have that "no" respected.  Regardless of whether you feel physically or emotionally attracted to her, you are still entitled to say no..and she's still seriously crossing a line into criminal behaviour if she disregards your boundaries.

 

[chillii]

Why would you wanna even be involved with someone that sleeps around like that man, wth.

lf you like your job and situation l'd keep it and to hell with her let her leave if she wants. Find yourself a real woman forget this person and meantime stop with her silly games stay away from her mix with decent people there , it'll pass if you ignore it. Well, again , if you like your job and situation anyway.

[Daisydooks]

7 hours ago, Er2907 said:

Hi guys.

I'm working in a bar and I was sleeping with this girl I'm working with. It lasted a 2 months, time for me to develop feelings.

She always told me she didn't want relationship, and I was pretending to accept it.

We were going out shopping, were very close to each others outside of work, she would cuddle me, hold my hand in the street when we were out. We clearly acted like a couple so I was a bit confused. She was telling me, I like you so much, I'm gonna miss you when I'll go on holiday..

She went in holiday and slept with her ex, the one she told me she fell out of love for. When she came back she carried on sleeping with me because I couldn't say no, and because I didn't know straight away that she slept with him.

We were quite arguing because my feelings were talking. Once a girl I'm talking to, without anything else came to the bar and asked for me. I wasn't there, but when I was in bed (I live at work) she came to my room, drunk and started shouting at me because apparently I was a liar because I told her that I wasn't talking to anyone.

 

3 days ago she stopped everything, telling me that she wouldn't change her mind. On the same night she came to my room in the middle of the night asking for sex, which I refused and she said the only reason I came is because I was horny.

We didn't talk after that

Tonight we didn't talk at all, I was working and she was at the bar drinking with colleagues, and she ended up going to her room with someone working in our company, right in front me and she went to bed with him

Knowing that I have feelings, why is she doing this ? Shouting at me when I talk to a girl, but going to bed with someone right in front of me. I don't care that she sleeps with someone, we're not together. But I have feelings and I think she could have at least made sure that I don't see them going in her room.

We live at the same place, we work together. I have feelings and she destroyed me by doing this. Even though she doesn't have feelings, I'm still a human being and don't deserve this..

 

I don't know what to do...

Best advice is to find a new job/place to work. 

For future endeavors, dont EVER s*** where you eat. All of this can be avoided when you dont sleep with people you work with and/or live with. 

Honestly she sounds unhinged so talking to her is not realistic. Moving and finding a new is more realistic 

[JRabbit]

She sounds kind of heartless, and easy OP.

[glows]

You can find a way out of this by owning your mistakes first. She didn't want a relationship. You could have shut it down but didn't. There's ownership there (feeling less helpless about this situation). Use this time and rethink also whether she has a problem with alcohol. She is drunk and verbally abusive. Is that a person you want on your side? 

You have feelings for her so own that too. Make better decisions going forward and avoid individuals who don't match what you're looking for in a partner or if you don't share the same outlook/wants/views on what a relationship is or whether you both want a relationship at all. Most definitely do not pander to drunk verbiage and keep your door closed and locked if she wants to get to you late at night for booty calls and a tongue lashing (not the good kind either). 

What you can do going forward: remain professional at work, let her know you're not interested in seeing her any longer and wish her well. Keep yourself unavailable to her at the times that you know she usually shows up at your doorstep and move on. 

 

[Er2907]

Oh I know she won't come knocking at my door anymore, she doesn't want anything anymore and I respect that. We don't even talk anymore. But still, why would she do something like that, in front of me, knowing my feelings, she could at least try to be subtle.. and try to hide a minimum, time for me to get rid of my feelings... 

Edited August 24, 2021 by Er2907
Added stuff

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Er2907 said:

Oh I know she won't come knocking at my door anymore, she doesn't want anything anymore and I respect that. We don't even talk anymore. But still, why would she do something like that, in front of me, knowing my feelings, she could at least try to be subtle.. and try to hide a minimum, time for me to get rid of my feelings... 

People often do things because they can. You already had some idea that she lacked self-control. You're hurt. Give yourself a few days to get over this and keep your distance from her at work. People like this are usually just trouble looking for more trouble. Move on. 

[d0nnivain]

Perhaps she recognized you needed this emotional kick in the teeth to let go of those feelings & move on from her. 

Perhaps she a manipulative sadist.  

I don't know but you seem like a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. It's time to be more realistic in your approach to relationships.  When you see red flags in the future, heed them.  

[JRabbit]

23 minutes ago, Er2907 said:

why would she do something like that,

She's showing you who she is.

[ShyViolet]

She told you from the start that she didn't want a relationship.  When you didn't listen and continued getting involved with her, that was your mistake.  

[Er2907]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She told you from the start that she didn't want a relationship.  When you didn't listen and continued getting involved with her, that was your mistake.  

I know K shouldn't have carried on, but I'm fine with her doing whatever she wants. But she made sure I saw it, that's ridiculous..

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, Er2907 said:

Tonight we didn't talk at all, I was working and she was at the bar drinking with colleagues, and she ended up going to her room with someone working in our company, right in front me and she went to bed with him

Knowing that I have feelings, why is she doing this ? I don't know what to do...

 

Agreeing with much of what has been said above, all you really need to know here is:

1) She's a mess, and

2) Her "solution" to relationship issues (assuming this is a relationship, it DOES sound like one, of sorts) is to sleep with someone else in front of you

Given the above, she's quite simply the wrong person to have strong feelings for. Recognize this, accept it (easier said than done, but doable), walk away, and move on.

 

There are good reasons many people have a "policy" to not start relationships with people they work with and your situation is a good example IMO. Too much room for problems that "impinge on the workspace" if it goes south.

There are people in the world who do not handle break-ups well or kindly; she appears to be one of those as well

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Er2907 said:

I'm still a human being and don't deserve this..

Avoid her as much as possible. You're human but she's either the wicked witch of the west or a barfly/floozy.🧟‍♀️😵🍸

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Er2907 said:

I know K shouldn't have carried on, but I'm fine with her doing whatever she wants. But she made sure I saw it, that's ridiculous..

Right, but you can't do anything about it. She is who she is. 

She wanted you on stand-by to entertain her when it suited her, and didn't want you to find someone to date until she did. Then she wouldn't need you anymore and would have discarded you anyway. This is only about her ego, and she sounds quite immature anyway. 

Lesson learned. Don't sleep with co-workers, especially when you all essentially live together as well. And stay away from women who tell you that they don't want a relationship with you. 

[Taramere]

17 hours ago, Er2907 said:

Oh I know she won't come knocking at my door anymore, she doesn't want anything anymore and I respect that. We don't even talk anymore. But still, why would she do something like that, in front of me, knowing my feelings, she could at least try to be subtle.. and try to hide a minimum, time for me to get rid of my feelings... 

Because she's hooked on drama, most likely, and is therefore geared towards sucking other people into drama.  Even just by sitting around trying to figure out why people like that do what they do, you're being sucked in.  She's not going to help you get rid of your feelings for her.  On the contrary, she very probably wants you to carry on having feelings for her for as long as possible - regardless of her not wanting to have a relationship with you. 

This woman isn't going to help you get to a better place, so don't go holding out any hopes on that score.  She's bad news, and unfortunately it's going to be 100% down to you to discipline yourself into keeping things at a professional, civil distance.   She won't help you to do that. She'll only sabotage your efforts.  Accept that, and develop a strategy that recognises her as a saboteur without getting hooked on being angry with her about it.  Think of her as being like a toddler who knows no better, but who isn't your problem.

Edited August 25, 2021 by Taramere

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 8/23/2021 at 11:58 PM, Er2907 said:

Hi guys.

I'm working in a bar and I was sleeping with this girl I'm working with. It lasted a 2 months, time for me to develop feelings.

She always told me she didn't want relationship, and I was pretending to accept it.

We were going out shopping, were very close to each others outside of work, she would cuddle me, hold my hand in the street when we were out. We clearly acted like a couple so I was a bit confused. She was telling me, I like you so much, I'm gonna miss you when I'll go on holiday..

She went in holiday and slept with her ex, the one she told me she fell out of love for. When she came back she carried on sleeping with me because I couldn't say no, and because I didn't know straight away that she slept with him.

We were quite arguing because my feelings were talking. Once a girl I'm talking to, without anything else came to the bar and asked for me. I wasn't there, but when I was in bed (I live at work) she came to my room, drunk and started shouting at me because apparently I was a liar because I told her that I wasn't talking to anyone.

 

3 days ago she stopped everything, telling me that she wouldn't change her mind. On the same night she came to my room in the middle of the night asking for sex, which I refused and she said the only reason I came is because I was horny.

We didn't talk after that

Tonight we didn't talk at all, I was working and she was at the bar drinking with colleagues, and she ended up going to her room with someone working in our company, right in front me and she went to bed with him

Knowing that I have feelings, why is she doing this ? Shouting at me when I talk to a girl, but going to bed with someone right in front of me. I don't care that she sleeps with someone, we're not together. But I have feelings and I think she could have at least made sure that I don't see them going in her room.

We live at the same place, we work together. I have feelings and she destroyed me by doing this. Even though she doesn't have feelings, I'm still a human being and don't deserve this..

 

I don't know what to do...

You're experiencing modern womanhood. Their goal (many, not all) is to be just as disinterested in commitment as most men. It's going to get harder and harder to find love, because FWB is the new thing.

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're human but she's either the wicked witch of the west or a barfly/floozy.🧟‍♀️😵🍸

I vote for barfly/floozy.  OP forget thi mess of a woman, you can do better.

[Cookiesandough]

Cuz she doesn’t care about you at all. Not want you want to hear but probably the honest answer

Edited August 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[d0nnivain]

On 8/24/2021 at 3:55 PM, Er2907 said:

I know K shouldn't have carried on, but I'm fine with her doing whatever she wants. But she made sure I saw it, that's ridiculous..

You wouldn't have felt better if you caught her trying to hide it from you.  The reality is you ignored all the red flags & based on the proximity you are going to see things.  

[spiderowl]

On 8/24/2021 at 6:48 PM, Er2907 said:

Oh I know she won't come knocking at my door anymore, she doesn't want anything anymore and I respect that. We don't even talk anymore. But still, why would she do something like that, in front of me, knowing my feelings, she could at least try to be subtle.. and try to hide a minimum, time for me to get rid of my feelings... 

Because she seems out of control and pretty uncaring about herself and others.  It seems like she has problems, maybe alcohol problems.  

I think she is a load of trouble and you need to realise that if she had wanted to be with you, she would have caused you endless pain with her behaviour