Can't deal with flaky

[Kylegsweqr]

Divorced for 3 years now and have dated several women but one has really captured my attention which has been an on again off again thing for the last 2 years.  See post history for more.  She has almost always pursued me.  Recently rekindled and has been hot and heavy all summer until I asked her out about 3 weeks ago and received no response.  Because I do really like her I decided to send a follow up message and got no response so I decided to break it off.

Me:

So the no response thing is a problem…..I have to bounce.  Good luck to you and wish you nothing but the best. 

Her:

“Not to be that person. 

But I I am dealing with a loss. Like a very close loss. 

I can’t right now. Need you to understand”

Not to be cold but this seems like a BS excuse for not responding to a text.  I mean I did say I was sorry for her loss but I just can’t deal with people who straight out ignore me.  Thoughts?

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Depending on how close the loss was a death in the family can send somebody over the edge & render them non-functional.  In the throws of a deep grief some guy she's been on & off with doesn't even register.  If you weren't close enough to her to attend the funeral, this isn't that serious on her side.  

[glows]

I read your other threads about this woman and there are other reasons for her not wanting to take this seriously. You both seem to have conflict of interest at work and aren't able to publicize the relationship and it's a long distance relationship at 2 hours apart. She also had childcare issues in 2019. Her child(ren) would be older now but I think you need to read the writing on the wall. It was neither here or there for awhile, FWB, not FWB, but feelings were hurt in the process. Don't you deserve to put this to rest and find someone else who is more available and local?

[Kylegsweqr]

Yes that’s my plan and path forward, however every time I go no contact she breaks no contact and I somehow get lured back in.  I think I’ve got to stick to my guns this go around.

As for the first comment there is more to it.  We run in the same circles and her friend called me on a business matter the day prior and volunteered that she was taking a client golfing.  It’s not about it being serious it’s about ignoring someone.  It’s rude and disrespectful and happens frequently.  So that’s why I’m throwing in the towel.  
 

Anyways I do appreciate your feedback and confirms that I’m on the right path here. 

[glows]

You're on the right path. You may choose to mute her texts so that they come through but you get no notifications. Also mute her friends. Give the texting and continuous feeds a rest for awhile and rest your mind away from all that.

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, Kylegsweqr said:

Yes that’s my plan and path forward, however every time I go no contact she breaks no contact and I somehow get lured back in.  I think I’ve got to stick to my guns this go around.

If you are serious about NC use technology to your advantage & block her.  You are too weak to not give in so don't let yourself see what she's sending.  

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Kylegsweqr said:

however every time I go no contact she breaks no contact and I somehow get lured back in.

I hope you are not blaming her for that. 

No one can "lure" us into anything unless we allow them to. 

[Pumpernickel]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No one can "lure" us into anything unless we allow them to. 

Right!

@Kylegsweqr It appears as if she doesn't want anything too serious, but as you guys run in the same circles, why can't you just treat her as an FWB?

Don't make her a priority, go with the flow, and in the meantime, date other women. I understand that if you're emotionally too involved, that might be too painful, and if you have to break it off completely for your own sanity, then do it. Like @glowssuggested, muting is a good idea IMO. Just switch off notifications; that way, you can get back to her later, if you feel like it, and if you have nothing better to do. Don't block her. It's childish, and she didn't do anything to you. Yes, not responding & ignoring is shitty, but if she had a family emergency (suffered a loss), well that's some serious business she's currently dealing with. You're not that close, so obviously you're not her top priority right now, if she's working through that (and given the circumstances, I find her behavior pretty normal). It's not like you're her number 1 support person and sounding board, or?

Edited August 25, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[Kylegsweqr]

My point was that she was most likely lying about it because it happened 2 times prior to this as is noted in my post history…..those times she felt she was falling hard which I can accept.  Her friend called me on a business matter the day before she sent me the last text and she’s been out and about carrying on as normal.  So she can’t respond to my text.  Doesn’t add up.   When we were on again she calls me all the time to use as a sounding board, now I don’t even know who died??? 🤣🤣 

There are some red flags here and yes it is my fault that I let myself fall again and I’m obviously weak when it comes to this person so I’m afraid blocking is the only way to protect myself.  

 

[Alpacalia]

Perhaps she is telling the truth.

Or maybe she went through a few, if not several, males who ignored her and then came back to you.

You may either engage with her openly and honestly (which is not possible right now because she is grieving) or cut your losses and walk away.

You might realize that spending time with someone who is capable of honesty, intimacy, and consistency is a better use of your time.

[glows]

22 hours ago, Kylegsweqr said:

My point was that she was most likely lying about it because it happened 2 times prior to this as is noted in my post history…..those times she felt she was falling hard which I can accept.  Her friend called me on a business matter the day before she sent me the last text and she’s been out and about carrying on as normal.  So she can’t respond to my text.  Doesn’t add up.   When we were on again she calls me all the time to use as a sounding board, now I don’t even know who died??? 🤣🤣 

There are some red flags here and yes it is my fault that I let myself fall again and I’m obviously weak when it comes to this person so I’m afraid blocking is the only way to protect myself.  

 

If you are tired of it, yes, block and be done with it. Get out for awhile too and break out of the routine of checking for her messages or looking out to see if you can both meet or talk. 

[Wiseman2]

On 8/24/2021 at 6:38 AM, Kylegsweqr said:

 on again off again thing for the last 2 years

On/off is flaky in itself. Is she on/off with someone else?  Perhaps there's chemistry but obviously you don't get along well.

[Caauug]

On 8/24/2021 at 6:38 PM, Kylegsweqr said:

one has really captured my attention which has been an on again off again thing for the last 2 years.

"People treat you the way you allow them to." Do you like the way she treats you? It's totally up to you how much you will put up with.

The other one:

"Actions speak louder than words". She's on again, off again and ignoring your texts because you are not a priority in her life. You are the "Fall Back" guy, the sure thing, but not the one that excites her.... She's looking for (who she thinks is) better.... The "Very close loss" is likely the Bad boy that only hung around for a short pump and dump.... 

Time to work on yourself, eat healthy, get fit, and get direction in your life. Stop letting other people dictate to your emotions, they are either with you or they are not!!! 

[Kylegsweqr]

Appreciate all of the follow up posts.  Definitely cutting my losses on this and moving on…this time for good.  As expected she followed up today to see if I was mad and she couldn’t handle that considering that she lost an ex boyfriend this week and was all broken up about it.  I told her we could discuss another time when she felt better but she pressed the issue.  So I told her I can’t tolerate being ignored so she went on to spill her guts about why she didn’t respond, catching feelings again and blah blah blah.  I feel like some level of communication is better even in a FWB thing vs ignoring someone. If she said that then I’m fine with it.  Won’t get into details but she tried to turn this around on me and so at this point I said it would be best if we don’t talk anymore and ended it.  I’m guilty for allowing it to go on too long…..lesson learned even at the ripe old age of 48. 

[Kylegsweqr]

Forgot to mention that she decided sometime after our last encounter she couldn’t do it anymore but never bothered to let me know…..until today.   So she just ignored my texts….Bizarre behavior IMO.  Plus she is a very attractive woman, has been divorced 7 years and hasn’t had a relationship beyond a few months since…..not judging but when you add it all up….

Edited August 28, 2021 by Kylegsweqr

[ExpatInItaly]

You know how she is: hot and cold. Doesn't take you seriously. And so on. 

Good decision to cut her off. It was not going anywhere and you were just spinning your wheels with her. Keep her blocked so you're not tempted back into this nonsense.