*Who Else Has Sworn Off Online Dating?*

[Cookiesandough]

Yep exactly. Different strokes for different folks. Nobody has to want screwing the same person every day for the rest of their life whether or not you’re still attracted to them physically  , little to no room for personal growth in a completely different direction, and the freedom to ever feel a new romantic /sexual spark again if it has died. 
but if that’s what you want, that’s  a beautiful thing and it’s totally achievable. Just gotta believe  

Edited August 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

Of course, not meant to be offensive at all. Just a fact. Nobody needs to want a “rest of your life” relationship and if you don’t that’s great. People have all sorts of relationships, open relationships, one night stands, FWB etc, all good. No judgment. 

Weezy, I invite you to read my post again.

I never said I did not want a "rest of my life" relationship, can you tell me where I said that?

I said I did not think relationships were meant to last forever but I am certainly not averse to that if it does! 

I am happy no matter what the outcome, I learn from and value each and every experience I have, good and bad.

I don't enter into a relationship assuming or expecting it to have an expiration date either, so no self-fulfilling prophecy there.  To the contrary, I am extremely positive! 

In truth, I actually don't have any expectations, I take my relationships one day at a time, and again am happy with whatever the outcome.  Even if I get hurt.  I learn from it. I embrace it! 

It's a more free-spirited outlook, perhaps that's why you have difficulty understanding? 

No wrong or right, we all do whatever is right for ourselves, and seek others who share the same mindset and values.

Hope that clarifies. 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

Are we calling them “rest of your life” relationships now? Forever relationships? Aw, that’s so sweet. You guys getting me in my feels 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Dis said:

I'm not looking for anything unsustainable. I've been there done that with short term, steamy relationships and love bombing. Not looking for that. 

 

I'm just looking for something where I actually enjoy sitting across from the person and someone I feel chemistry with

 

I'm just tired of all the dull dates where instead of enjoying the other person, I'm just counting the minutes 

Well, maybe it's like you said.

It's an "OLD" issue.

Maybe it's because of the sheer number of individuals available (choices) and going on date after date that one becomes less driven over time?

Or, perhaps we have a subconscious difficulty accepting others for what they bring to the table because we struggle the most to accept certain things ourselves. I recall a first date I went on with someone I met online many years ago, and despite the fact that he was quite physically handsome, I was bored out of my mind on the date because he didn't talk - like at all.

But there was "something" about his demeanor and body language that piqued my interest.

I went on a second date, and, something sparked inside me, and I was like, "gosh dang."

Anyway...

Interesting enough, there was a study done on the longevity of online dating relationships and those founded in IRL:
https://www.businessinsider.com/happy-marriage-online-dating-2017-10

Thought it was an interesting read.

[Woggle]

Online dating has such a meat market impersonal kind of business feeling that I feel runs counter to what dating and relationships should be. If I were single I would rather get a hookup in some sleazy bar because at least that would be honest in it's sleaziness instead of pretending it was something else.

[Trail Blazer]

On 8/28/2021 at 12:50 AM, poppyfields said:

Raises hand in agreement! 

For one, I find it contrived and superficial.  Viewing a bunch of pics, and falling for an "image." 

I've had some men suggest marriage based on my pic, it was ridiculous!  I know they weren't serious, but still. 😳

The love-bombing (like you just experienced Dis) combined with the sexually crude remarks some men made were enough to make me swear off it.

But mostly it's this which I posted on your other thread. 

>>But yeah agree OLDing is not for me for so many reasons, I much prefer meeting spontaneously where there is less pressure to "connect," and if it happens, it happens, naturally and organically.<<

 

I think a lot of guys just have no idea how to conduct themselves for success on OLD.  Sure, guys have to have a modicum of attraction in a physical sense or they won't have a hope.  But, still, I hear about one's who do get attention but still ruin their chances.

Being clingly, love-bombing and anything else which constitutes a lack of authenticity or desperation will always be unattractive to women.  Yet, the best-looking guys get enough attention that they don't desperately cling to the breadcrumbs which most guys get which often results in them wanting only a ONS.

I think that OLD was great in theory, but in practice it just doesn't seem to work for most people.  The majority of both men and women seem to have had many more bad experiences than good.  I know that I'm definitely in the minority.  OLD has worked well for me.

[Trail Blazer]

On 8/27/2021 at 11:17 AM, Dis said:

Anyone else at the same point? 

I'm quite the opposite.  I don't have a lot of opportunity to meet new people.  The older I get, the fewer the opportunities present themselves in real life.  I don't know what I'd do without OLD.  Go and sit in some sleezy bar?  Pass...

 

 

[mark clemson]

^^  cafe, meetup, other group social activity of some kind, perhaps?

I feel like if you bother to gussy up a bit, you can garner interest almost anywhere. The key is to recognize it and act on it effectively within what is typically a limited timeframe (no longer an option for me, but that's fine 🙂).

I recently noticed there seems to be a % of people walking alone at the beach on weekends. I wonder how many of them would respond well to an offer of conversation. Probably some would and possibly it could lead to more. However it can be hard to break that initial ice.

Why are these people taking walks alone at the beach? Some (not all) of them are presumably hoping something will happen romantically...

Edited August 31, 2021 by mark clemson

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^  cafe, meetup, other group social activity of some kind, perhaps?

I feel like if you bother to gussy up a bit, you can garner interest almost anywhere. The key is to recognize it and act on it effectively within what is typically a limited timeframe (no longer an option for me, but that's fine 🙂).

I recently noticed there seems to be a % of people walking alone at the beach on weekends. I wonder how many of them would respond well to an offer of conversation. Probably some would and possibly it could lead to more. However it can be hard to break that initial ice.

Why are these people taking walks alone at the beach? Some (not all) of them are presumably hoping something will happen romantically...

The way my life works, I just don't see opportunities to meet women in real life.  That's fine because I'm not interested in doing so.  There seems something desperate about "being on the prowl" so to speak.

Honestly, if I'm at the beach (which isn't too often as there isn't one local to me and my closest one is cold AF), I'm not randomly half stalking someone I see who may be moderately attractive just to present a "hello".

I dunno, man... back in the day, late teens to early 20s, yeah, I'd have opportunities.  When you're young, people are having parties, or you're out clubbing.  Drunk in town in the late hours of the night, things can happen at the strangest of places.  Hooking up with a chick at McDonald's, drunk, after you started chatting to waiting in line for your cheeseburger.

These days, if I were single, I'm not cold approaching anyone at the supermarket.  Covid aside, it just doesn't seem right.  Social groups or activities?  I'm into cars and I do Judo.  None of those activities give a lot of exposure to women for me.

For those who meet random people around the place, that's cool.  More power to you!  That doesn't happen in my world, and not through a lack of not "getting out there" either.  I'm just glad OLD exists, otherwise I'd have to be a little more creative (read: desperate).

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Why are these people taking walks alone at the beach? Some (not all) of them are presumably hoping something will happen romantically...

Because it's amazing to walk along the shore while enjoying the view. Perfect time to think and make important decisions. I live 5 mins walk from the water and I go there often by myself, not looking to be approached, just enjoying the sun coming down, the birds, fresh air, leaving the buzz of a busy life behind. 

[mark clemson]

41 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

There seems something desperate about "being on the prowl" so to speak.

Indeed, but if it works...

But you do you, bro. 🙂

[mark clemson]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I live 5 mins walk from the water and I go there often by myself, not looking to be approached,

Fair enough + I did say not everybody...

[Trail Blazer]

33 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If single, would you casually strike up a convo at the check out line if you found the woman in front of you attractive?

Not cold approach, just a friendly convo to pass the time. 

Those are those golden opportunities that so many people pass up, not sure why. 

Anyway, that's what happened to me and we had a date on his boat last Sunday and have another date this Saturday.  💛

P.S.  I do NOT enjoy being cold approached either BUT if he he was attractive and his "line" was clever, I would talk to him.

I'm not a stuck-up snob about such things, life's too short.  

 

 

 

Probably not.  I'm a bit of an introvert when it comes to engaging with random people (women) in public.  Unless it's in a setting where it's deemed acceptable or even expected to talk, i.e. a club of some kind, then I just keep to myself.

The last time I can genuinely think of an opportunity to talk to a woman and potentially strike up a romantic interest would have been three months ago at the local mall.  I was having a coffee by myself and an attractive woman late 20s, or early 30s sat at the next table.  Our eyes kind of locked, and she smiled at me. 

Of course, I'm in a relationship and therefore it's the last thing on my mind, but the point I'm making is that opportunities like that would be few and far between. 

If I'd been single, I might have tried to stike up a conversation.  It felt like it would have been welcomed.  However, if I were single, and not having any luck because OLD hypothetically didn't exist, then the dynamic may have been different.  

All I know is that I don't come across as desperate because OLD has been great for me, so out in the open world I'm just my own person, not looking at all, and perhaps that relaxed demeanour might be the only attractive quality which would be diminshed if I was *looking* for opportunities. 🤷‍♂️

 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Probably not.  I'm a bit of an introvert when it comes to engaging with random people (women) in public.  Unless it's in a setting where it's deemed acceptable or even expected to talk, i.e. a club of some kind, then I just keep to myself.

The last time I can genuinely think of an opportunity to talk to a woman and potentially strike up a romantic interest would have been three months ago at the local mall.  I was having a coffee by myself and an attractive woman late 20s, or early 30s sat at the next table.  Our eyes kind of locked, and she smiled at me. 

Of course, I'm in a relationship and therefore it's the last thing on my mind, but the point I'm making is that opportunities like that would be few and far between. 

If I'd been single, I might have tried to stike up a conversation.  It felt like it would have been welcomed.  However, if I were single, and not having any luck, the dynamic may have been different.  

That's interesting TB, I consider myself an introvert as well, meaning I need LOTS of time alone to unwind and rejuvenate, but I can also be quite friendly, with strangers even.  

So I guess that would make me a sort of "introverted extrovert"?  lol

Honestly, I think we are all a little of both.

But anyway, with the man I met at the market, what probably helped is that he was right behind me and when I turned around and noticed him, I smiled. 

Not a big gaping smile, but just a smile, an acknowledgment.

THAT gave him the window/green light he needed to feel comfortable talking to me.

I wonder what would have happened had I (1) not turned around and (2) not smiled.   

I bet the outcome would have been entirely different!!  

 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

19 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Well, maybe it's like you said.

It's an "OLD" issue.

Maybe it's because of the sheer number of individuals available (choices) and going on date after date that one becomes less driven over time?

Or, perhaps we have a subconscious difficulty accepting others for what they bring to the table because we struggle the most to accept certain things ourselves. I recall a first date I went on with someone I met online many years ago, and despite the fact that he was quite physically handsome, I was bored out of my mind on the date because he didn't talk - like at all.

But there was "something" about his demeanor and body language that piqued my interest.

I went on a second date, and, something sparked inside me, and I was like, "gosh dang."

Anyway...

Interesting enough, there was a study done on the longevity of online dating relationships and those founded in IRL:
https://www.businessinsider.com/happy-marriage-online-dating-2017-10

Thought it was an interesting read.

Had a quick little scan of it and tbh l've always thought that stuff about OLD.

ln ways to me you have so many head starts bc anyone with brain and seriously looking talks about the important things a little on their page . So right there you see whether their person and ideals would suit you , that's a huge head start. l suppose it loses out on feel you get across a room or being next to someone in RL though and that sort of thing, But feels can be just as wrong as anything else in the end anyway to bc you know nothing about ea other, don't even know basic like are they single or really looking. Could take mths for big things to come to light you see right there in seconds on a profile. A ph call or two before you even bother meeting will tell you so so much about feels too , so you can sort of catch up a little on that part with old.

Both got their pros and cons really but l'd def' be open to either if l was looking.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by chillii

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

Had a quick little scan of it and tbh l've always thought that stuff about OLD.

ln ways to me you have so many head starts bc anyone with brain and seriously looking talks about the important things a little on their page . So right there you see whether their person and ideals would suit you , that's a huge head start. l suppose it loses out on feel you get across a room or being next to someone in RL though and that sort of thing, But feels can be just as wrong as anything else in the end anyway to bc you know nothing about ea other, don't even know basic like are they single or really looking. Could take mths for big things to come to light you see right there in seconds on a profile. A ph call or two before you even bother meeting will tell you so so much about feels too , so you can sort of catch up a little on that part with old.

Both got their pros and cons really but l'd def' be open to either if l was looking.

 

 

 

 

For sure.

Similarly, meeting for the first time with someone you don't already know in a date environment that you've interacted with online it might be a little scary in some scenarios because there are so many unknowns about how you'll interact with one another in person.

In contrast, when you meet someone in person (i.e. "IRL), there is less "formality" because you are not on a date but are simply conversing with one another in your natural environment.

Alternatively, if you meet someone through a friend or family member, you already have a connection that can assist or validate certain aspects about someone.

 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Alpaca

[Cookiesandough]

And OLD isn’t being “on the prowl”? Bc I certainly felt that the last time I was there 

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

And OLD isn’t being “on the prowl”? Bc I certainly felt that the last time I was there 

Everyone is on the prowl on OLD.  It's literally why you're there.  Your comparison is the ultimate false equivalence.

[introverted1]

13 hours ago, poppyfields said:

That's interesting TB, I consider myself an introvert as well, meaning I need LOTS of time alone to unwind and rejuvenate, but I can also be quite friendly, with strangers even. 

That's the true definition of an introvert. I think a lot of people conflate introversion with shyness or being reserved, but it's just about where you get your energy; introverts need alone time to recharge.

I am very much like you.  People - men and women - talk to me wherever I am.  I am pretty friendly IRL.

[Trail Blazer]

14 hours ago, poppyfields said:

That's interesting TB, I consider myself an introvert as well, meaning I need LOTS of time alone to unwind and rejuvenate, but I can also be quite friendly, with strangers even.  

So I guess that would make me a sort of "introverted extrovert"?  lol

Honestly, I think we are all a little of both.

But anyway, with the man I met at the market, what probably helped is that he was right behind me and when I turned around and noticed him, I smiled. 

Not a big gaping smile, but just a smile, an acknowledgment.

THAT gave him the window/green light he needed to feel comfortable talking to me.

I wonder what would have happened had I (1) not turned around and (2) not smiled.   

I bet the outcome would have been entirely different!!  

 

 

Most certainly turning around and smiling is what gave him the green light.  Had you not turned around, it wouldn't have been possible for anything to have materialized. 

I recall many years back when I was waiting at the grocery store checkout for the cashier to serve me, some woman came up to me and said, "OMG honey, that is the neatest stacked kart I have ever seen."  She then proceeded to ask me if I have OCD and if I love Tetris.

It was strange because she was just so open about how she felt.  I dare say she'd be a woman with little or no filter.  If loose lips sink ships then this woman sunk the Titanic.

I guess I am just someone who very much keeps to myself when I'm out in public.  It has just never occured to me (when I've been single) that trying to strike up anything at the grocery store would be an effective strategy.

For others, including the woman listed above, perhaps they feel quite the contrary.

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

That's the true definition of an introvert. I think a lot of people conflate introversion with shyness or being reserved, but it's just about where you get your energy; introverts need alone time to recharge.

I am very much like you.  People - men and women - talk to me wherever I am.  I am pretty friendly IRL.

It's uncanny how alike we are @introverted_1, not just about this either! 

But anyway, agree, introvert and shy - two different things.

I used to be extremely shy!  But I've taken acting classes and if anything can get you "out of yourself" and your own self-consciousness, it's taking a few acting classes!  

I highly recommend for all those who are shy and uncomfortable talking to others, including new people you meet.

If single, it will open up LOTS of doors.  And benefit in other ways too. 

I'm not quite as bold as the woman in TB's story but I've had men be bold with me. 

I'm not put off by it, why should I be?  They're just trying to engage me in a harmless convo.  And you never know where it might lead. 

We're all in this crazy life together, after all.

But to all those who find benefit in OLD, no judgment whatsoever, whatever works for you is my motto. 

 

Edited September 1, 2021 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

honey, that is the neatest stacked kart I have ever seen."  She then proceeded to ask me if I have OCD and if I love Tetris.

Cute story. Just because you're talking (sounds like mostly her) doesn't mean it's a great conversation.

I was once spontanously told by a strange woman I looked like a celebrity who I consider ugly "but in a good way". Wasn't sure what to make of that, heh.

Edited September 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

I guess if you give up OLD, you're going to have to be "on the prowl" in other ways.

Maybe not constantly, but unless one has figured out some effective system for establishing new romantic relationships, it seems that being open to and aware of new opportunities as they arise "spontaneously" is going to be necessary to some extent, or at least helpful in providing new chances for a relationship to emerge. Life will occasionally essentially "plunk another person right into your lap" but it seems infrequent.

I've gone e.g. to meetups where there seemed to be people I could (in theory) become interested in who also seemed interested in talking to me; and I've been to some where there simply weren't many like that. Opportunities are ultimately finite, so if one cuts out a whole category (OLD) then it seems like that creates something of a need to expand in other areas/ways.

Edited September 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[Cookiesandough]

9 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Everyone is on the prowl on OLD.  It's literally why you're there.  Your comparison is the ultimate false equivalence.

Oh okay so the distinction is you only feel desperate if you’re the only one on the prowl. When everyone is “on the prowl”/desperate,  it’s okay. Lol . See that’s not a distinction I make, but I got you   

Edited September 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I guess if you give up OLD, you're going to have to be "on the prowl" in other ways.

Maybe not constantly, but unless one has figured out some effective system for establishing new romantic relationships, it seems that being open to and aware of new opportunities as they arise "spontaneously" is going to be necessary to some extent, or at least helpful in providing new chances for a relationship to emerge. Life will occasionally essentially "plunk another person right into your lap" but it seems infrequent.

I've gone e.g. to meetups where there seemed to be people I could (in theory) become interested in who also seemed interested in talking to me; and I've been to some where there simply weren't many like that. Opportunities are ultimately finite, so if one cuts out a whole category (OLD) then it seems like that creates something of a need to expand in other areas/ways.

You don’t really have to be in the sense I’m familiar with that phrase meaning, as I. Searching/hunting for a mate/sexual partner.   I’m dating 3 guys and I wasn’t.  just got to know each other and hit it off/found each other attractive & one of the guys I’m dating said he’d given up on dating, actually 

if by “on the prowl” you just mean open to making a connection in any capacity with another human being, then I mean yeah. Interestingly enough, from all I’ve read this seems to be a component a lot OLDers actually struggle w. They want a relationship or sex, building an actual connection is sort of secondary 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Cookiesandough