*Who Else Has Sworn Off Online Dating?*

[Happy Lemming]

12 minutes ago, Alvi said:

 Or that they are going to approach me at all. Men usually find me invisible. I was told many times that I am not bad looking but that's it.  Have no clue at this point as to where to meet men. I tried and tried and tried and every single time it goes nowhere.

I met my long term girlfriend in an apartment complex pool.  She shopped for the perfect blue bikini and wore it to the pool.  It's been almost 10 years and I still remember that cute blue bikini.  I wanted to swim over & talk to her, so that is what I did.

She also had ZERO luck with on-line dating, but she kept putting herself out there.

I've met women in a wide variety of places. From co-ed sports, to parties, to food festivals, to used book stores and the list goes on and on.

And like I posted earlier, its OK to go over & say "hello" to a guy if you feel that your "eyes met" or he smiles back at you.  What have you got to lose (other than a few minutes of your time).  It doesn't cost a dime to walk over and say "Hi, I'm Alvi... I wanted to come over and introduce myself."  At that point, if the guy keeps the conversation going, you'll know he is interested.

 

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Online dating sucks big time. I have zero success at it. But nobody approaches me at the grocery store or anywhere else either. Even if I join some activity or a group, I doubt that guys are going to ask me out. Or that they are going to approach me at all. Men usually find me invisible. I was told many times that I am not bad looking but that's it.  Have no clue at this point as to where to meet men. I tried and tried and tried and every single time it goes nowhere. 

OK, I apologize for my long rant.

Alvi, men don't typically approach me at grocery stores either, well except once at Whole Foods, a man did cold approach, basically love bombed me right then and there. 😳   But that is rare.

This recent man, he was behind me on the check out line and struck up a convo about how long the lines were getting.

I responded good naturedly and from there we had a very spirited convo! 

Those are the opps to take advantage of, not expecting random guys to cold approach.

Since you are attractive, it may be your overall energy/vibe.  It's sending the message "stay away."  

You may not be aware of it, but that's my guess. 

I am by no means the be-all-end-all but if you are open and friendly, and give men "windows," even something as simple as a smile, you may have better luck.

What's to lose? 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

That wasn't my question Weezy but thanks. 

Right, your question was about what motivates one to keep dating someone if there isn’t an initial spark…

 

To me it’s about your goal. Like anything in life really. One of the best “self-help” books I’ve read is called “The Happiness Trap” which explains how problematic it is to have as a goal “being happy.” What I and others refer to as “chasing feelings.”
It’s because as you’ve already noted, feelings just come and go and don’t mean much in the long run. So even if there is an initial spark, it can go, and come back etc. Most importantly, the initial spark doesn’t mean anything. 
 

From what I’ve read in your posts @poppyfields you’re chasing feelings. It’s that initial “high” that you’re after over anything else. That’s why you’re having a hard time understanding how people can continue without an initial spark. It’s because for many of us we know:

1. Our goal isn’t the initial feeling; it’s a healthy, long term relationship. 

2. The qualities that one must have to be in a healthy, long term relationship show up over time.

3. It’s those very qualities that can also lead to growing attraction over time. 

 

So you can date people with potential even if there isn’t immediate fireworks. Because the fireworks aren’t the goal. They’re nice, but pretty irrelevant in grand scheme of things.

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Right, your question was about what motivates one to keep dating someone if there isn’t an initial spark…

 

To me it’s about your goal. Like anything in life really. One of the best “self-help” books I’ve read is called “The Happiness Trap” which explains how problematic it is to have as a goal “being happy.” What I and others refer to as “chasing feelings.”
It’s because as you’ve already noted, feelings just come and go and don’t mean much in the long run. So even if there is an initial spark, it can go, and come back etc. Most importantly, the initial spark doesn’t mean anything. 
 

From what I’ve read in your posts @poppyfields you’re chasing feelings. It’s that initial “high” that you’re after over anything else. That’s why you’re having a hard time understanding how people can continue without an initial spark. It’s because for many of us we know:

1. Our goal isn’t the initial feeling; it’s a healthy, long term relationship. 

2. The qualities that one must have to be in a healthy, long term relationship show up over time.

3. It’s those very qualities that can also lead to growing attraction over time. 

 

So you can date people with potential even if there isn’t immediate fireworks. Because the fireworks aren’t the goal. They’re nice, but pretty irrelevant in grand scheme of things.

Thank you very much Weezy, that was extremely insightful and helpful.  Difficult to read, but helpful.

And very very true, I am all about "feelings" and I love that initial high.

I also need a lot of mental stimulation, without it I feel sort of, well, blah.

Extremely Intelligent, intellectual, philosophical type men. Deep thinkers. More so than I!  

I had that with one of my ex's but in retrospect that relationship was dysfunctional, with the highs and lows.  I cherished the highs, and became numb to the lows.  He was a drug addict and alcoholic, it ended badly. 

Anyway, this is good, I am gonna cut and paste your post to my fridge!  Lol. Not literally but will re-read.

I need to make a choice I suppose. 

Long term stable (unchallenging, boring?) or shorter term high, exciting, mentally and emotionally stimulating? 

Or something in between?  A healthy balance between the two?

Some things to consider, thanks again. 

 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s about ability to make choices.  I think most looking are shooting for the rare unrealistic 110% perfect matches over the decent 80s % matches.

 

early strong chemistry could mean a quick die out based on differences in big areas.

Thank you.

Yes.

And, speaking of "choices" - love is a choice, after all.

The other is an exhilarating, spontaneous sensation.

Which I can see why it would be difficult for the OP to ascertain through online dating. 

19 hours ago, Dis said:

I guess what I mean by not feeling much for these guys is I just want to meet someone who captures my attention and someone I have a deeper connection with...and yeah that can happen on the first date.

So was this based on personal experience? 

Tell us more, tell us more. Like, did he have a car?

Edited August 28, 2021 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Tell us more, tell us more. Like, did he have a car?

What do you mean by "did he have a car"?   I mean in the context of this discussion. 

I hope Dis returns soon, she may be at work.

I love this thread though!  

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What do you mean by "did he have a car"?   I mean in the context of this discussion. 

I hope Dis returns soon, she may be at work.

I love this thread though!  

I was referencing it from a song from the movie Grease. 

"Summer Nights"

You know, "tell me more, tell me more."

I was asking about Dis''s mention of a deep connection on a first date as quoted above.

😀 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

37 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Thank you.

Yes.

And, speaking of "choices" - love is a choice, after all.

The other is an exhilarating, spontaneous sensation.

Which I can see why it would be difficult for the OP to ascertain through online dating. 

So was this based on personal experience? 

Tell us more, tell us more. Like, did he have a car?

I picked the line up from Grease…

 

in online some advantages are Vsncouver person meetings

 

1. you have a safe assumption they are looking to date

2. in theory from a profile an early conversations you can see if you might have things in common such as interests and beliefs and wants in life.  
 

3. things you don’t want to put in a profile you can measure in a first phone call by asking questions.

 

you always want to meet face to face early vs dragging out an online meeting period.
 

 

 

[chillii]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree, I have absolutely no clue.😳

Care to share your wisdom chillii, Weezy too.  I'm open and love learning new concepts and ways to improve.

I'm being serious!   You (and Weezy) made the statement, please share your knowledge and insight.

Thanks!  😆

 

 

 

 

 

Haaa poppy, l've said a few things in forums but tbh the thinking is just so different l don't really know where to begin. Weezys and others have the patients best leave it up to them. One of the other tricky things to is that a lot of women seem to choose and deal with all sorts of so much crap and with so many guys they meet, and the guys cover and disguise it so well to begin with that again it's really hard to know where to begin. l always stress be selective, very very selective, forget the rest, take time, patience, until that person comes along. My partner would be best explaining it to women, she's a very wise and beautifully deep old soul when it comes to a relationship and the person, none of any of this bs for her. But she hates forums haha , damn shame really.

 

 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by chillii

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Ahh poppy, l've said a few things in forums but tbh the thinking is just so different l don't really know where to begin. Weezys and others have the patients best leave it up to them. And the other tricky thing to is that a lot of women seem to choose and deal with all sorts of so much crap and with so many guys they meet, and the guys cover and disguise it so well to begin with that again it's really hard to know where to begin. l always stress be selective, very very selective, forget the rest, take time, patience, until that person comes along. My partner would be best explaining it, she's a very wise and beautifully deep old soul when it comes to a relationship and the person, none of any of this bs for her. But she hates forums haha , damn shame really.

Lol, I was being mostly facetious with my question; I agree our thinking and philosophies about life are quite different, no wrong or right really.

I did very much appreciate Weezy's response however, it was extremely insightful.

Thanks again Weezy.😄

[chillii]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, I was being mostly facetious with my question; I agree our thinking and philosophies about life are quite different, no wrong or right really.

I did very much appreciate Weezy's response however, it was extremely insightful.

Thanks again Weezy.😄

l know , but you also said your serious so l thought l'd attempt a bit of a comment anyway. But as l said , the thinking is just so different. And actually there are wrong and rights and the wrongs just go on for yrs and yrs in circles as so many in forums seem to do . But also different wrongs and rights for different people.

But eh , there's also the sitch to you see sometimes , someone just says to hell with it all go out have fun party it up next minute they've accidentally met someone they're in love and married of with 36kids haha,

ps , that happened to one of my sisters actually , she'd had a helluva run with men so threw hr hands in the air, low and behold that happened. She has a beautiful family these days and home and marriage , which for her was all she wanted , so that's one outa the way haha.

Edited August 28, 2021 by chillii

[Cookiesandough]

 

 I don’t like cold approaches personally, so I do try to put out a “I’m busy” vibe and go around the aisles to avoid. So when it still happens there is some annoyance. If you’re at the grocery store, open to conversation, strike up a genuine convo, and really hit it off, that’s totally different. But if person is clearly sending “I’m busy atm” vibes and you’re just like “they’re attractive to me so I’m going to ask them out”…   it’s not cute to me and even acute guy doing it goes down a few points. It seems so sleazy to me..  Not going to be rude or anything, just not into it . 
 

I’m not saying I will never go back to online dating, but right now I am dating  enough guys in my every day life/circle that I haven’t had the opportunity to even make a profile. And it just came from my life being much more interesting/busy /filled than before 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

but right now I am eating enough guys in my every day life/circle ...

I don't know if this is a typo or a new phrase which I haven't heard.  Either way, it's pretty funny

[Cookiesandough]

Just now, basil67 said:

I don't know if this is a typo or a new phrase which I haven't heard.  Either way, it's pretty funny

Hahaha typo 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, chillii said:

l know , but you also said your serious so l thought l'd attempt a bit of a comment anyway. But as l said , the thinking is just so different. And actually there are wrong and rights and the wrongs just go on for yrs and yrs in circles as so many in forums seem to do . But also different wrongs and rights for different people.

But eh , there's also the sitch to you see sometimes , someone just says to hell with it all go out have fun party it up next minute they've accidentally met someone they're in love and married of with 36kids haha,

True, I did say I was serious, so you got me there, fair enough.

Re wrongs and rights, agree there are different wrongs and rights for different people, and those wrongs and rights can change as we grow and evolve. 

This is what I'm facing now as I grow and evolve.  What seemed right in the past, has become wrong for me now.

I seek change.  Internally and externally.

That said, I don't want to hijack Dis' thread so may reopen my previous, but I called "supermarket guy" today, it was another very spirited convo!  Straight away even though it's been over a week since we first met.

And he invited me on his boat tomorrow and I accepted! 

So yay for me for stepping out of comfort zone! 😂

It was lemmings post that did it, thanks lemming! 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[chillii]

17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 

 I don’t like cold approaches personally, so I do try to put out a “I’m busy” vibe and go around the aisles to avoid.

Funny thing happened once.

l was in a supermarket saw this girl and my god if l were a single man that would've been someone l'd be rushing off right there. But she also just so happened to have the most beautiful arse too and in the line man l just could not not soak it up. l knew she knew l was enjoying her behind in this particular instance and she turned around looked me in the eye and chuckled. l chuckled back and sorta threw my hands in the air ummm, sorry , but that arse of yours is just so to my taste l just can't not admire, no l didn't say that but she knew what l meant.

But when l left later she was waiting outside on the seat , umm, for me and looked up at me as l came out. l felt soooooo bad, bc l am spoken for but you know, sometimes things happen.l said l'm reallly sorry but tbh , l am with somebody , but if l wasn't l swear to God l'd be rushing you off right here right now. Ummmm, she was pissed, so wtf you ra ra , Oh Jezuz, l don't blame her. l messed up.

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by chillii

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

And he invited me on his boat tomorrow and I accepted! 

It was lemmings post that did it, thanks lemming! 

 

You're welcome. 

Are you comfortable going on a boat as a first date??  You are kind of a "captive audience" if you are on a boat (unless he is not going to leave the dock)

Also, don't forget the sunscreen!!

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 Long term stable (unchallenging, boring?)

 

Relationships have challenges but they shouldn’t be challenging. And unchallenging is not boring. But you shouldn’t be seeking excitement through a relationship. A lot of the early stage “high” is due to newness. By definition that can’t be sustained in a long term relationship. 

 

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

shorter term high, exciting, mentally and emotionally stimulating? 

 

You’re never going to maintain the initial “high” in a long term relationship like I said because most of it is due to the newness factor. The key is having new, exciting experiences as a couple so you’re not relying on the other person for the stimulation, but instead you’re both getting stimulated together with the mew experiences. This can be as simple as going to a movie together or as complex as having a child together. You can have stimulating mental conversations with many people besides just your partner. Friends, family etc. can all contribute to these aspects of your personality. 
 

Relying on a partner to satisfy all those needs is bound to end in disappointment.  

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You're welcome. 

Are you comfortable going on a boat as a first date??  You are kind of a "captive audience" if you are on a boat (unless he is not going to leave the dock)

Also, don't forget the sunscreen!!

Lol, yeah totally comfortable, I grew up on boats!  Family had two boats - a catamaran which we raced and motor boat for play, water skiing and such.

Don't know if he will take it out, but I'm looking forward to it either way, I'm pretty adventurous.

I like him lemming, we have great banter and rapport, he's very cool! 

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[Cookiesandough]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Alpaca, can you explain the slow burn?

cookies likened it to meeting in a social situation where you see the person regularly and slowly build rapport, attraction develops and sexual tension builds.

I find that exciting!

But unless one has a social circle where they see people on a regular basis, how would that work?  Weekly meetups, work?

When meeting new people either on line or IRL, if you don't feel an immediate "spark" (attraction, sexual tension), what's the motivation to keep it going?

Would that not be akin to making a new friend?  

Is that what you mean, a "friends first" type of situation?  And see what, if anything, develops from that?  Allowing for a slow burn?

Genuine questions, like I said, I'm open to learning new concepts and ways to improve my "game" for lack of a better word. 😄

It’s happened to me with people I’ve made connections with. For example, I went to an art show earlier in the summer and started convo with this guy. It lasted awhile so we  exchanged contact details to talk more . Found out he lives in Chicago, but he invited me to events out there and I did the same for him here. There was nothing romantic, just friendly, until there was. I realized I really liked him. I think that’s more a slow burn. It probably wouldn’t of happened with online dating . I would’ve just thought “he’s hot and seems cool“ and matched him based on that ,go out of some formulaic, forced date to see if he really was .And he is. So yeah we would’ve probably hit it off. But I think it would have just vastly lowered his value and the value of our connection in my eyes, personally. That slow build/taking it slow/not having a set agenda definitely added to the value of it. And just FYI I asked him he doesn’t do online dating xD 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

7 minutes ago, chillii said:

Funny thing happened once.

l was in a supermarket saw this girl and my god if l were a single man that would've been someone l'd be rushing off right there. But she also just so happened to have the most beautiful arse too and in the line man l just could not not soak it up. l knew she knew l was enjoying her behind in this particular instance and she turned around looked me in the eye and chuckled. l chuckled back and sorta threw my hands in the air ummm, sorry , but that arse of yours is just so to my taste l just can't not admire, no l didn't say that but she knew what l meant.

But when l left later she was waiting outside on the seat , umm, for me and looked up at me as l came out. l felt soooooo bad, bc l am spoken for but you know, sometimes things happen.l said l'm reallly sorry but tbh , l am with somebody , but if l wasn't l swear to God l'd be rushing you off right here right now. Ummmm, she was pissed, so wtf you ra ra , Oh Jezuz, l don't blame her. l messed up.

 

Lol 

[chillii]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Lol 

l knowwww, whata mess, poor girl.

[Cookiesandough]

On 8/27/2021 at 12:26 PM, poppyfields said:

Lol, well the event was moderated so no chance of any impropriety but that was funny Fox.

To answer your question quoted above, I didn't feel a "connection" with anyone, although I had fun and find the concept interesting.  Because I do believe in vibes and energy, more so than physical appearance.

But physical attraction is important!  A great physique speaks volumes imo.  And yes, the eyes.  A man's eyes can be intense and haunting.

I think it's all related, for me.

I find plenty of men "attractive" but not "attracted to" them which goes deeper, again for me.  It's energy, chemistry, even spiritually, again for me.

Anyway, to answer your question, no, people were attractive objectively not due to their energy/vibe.

They were in good shape, their physical features were attractive.

I think the natural assumption re those who attend such events is that they are unattractive, but surprisingly that was not the case. 

 

I think a lot of people want “average, but hot to me”… myself included haha…

 

Which is unfortunate thing because most of us are

[poppyfields]

Exactly cookies "hot to me."

Even supermarket guy (gotta think of another handle for him, doesn't suit him, lol) is hot, to me.

[Cookiesandough]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Exactly cookies "hot to me."

Even supermarket guy (gotta think of another handle for him, doesn't suit him, lol) is hot, to me.

Off topic, sorry, but did you ever call him? xD