Extreme nervousness

[Priya]

Hello Everyone I am a teenager and I am 17, Some months ago I went into this online relationship with a man, seriously a man whose age is 23, now I met him through some game where we could actually talk and I could talk in front of 3 guys including him I was very confident and in his eyes also I impressed him but now I have lost that all after the day i got into relationship with him. He proposed me and he is very attractive and matured I just said yes in flow but yeah I did like him but never thought of going too far and I never knew that what was going to happen after. It seems like I was not quiet ready for the relationship maybe. I used to get scared and nervous later on, on his texts and when he used to call me. I never used to give my efforts and I used to feel guilty too but there were feelings for him it's like I am not able to express myself. I go blank when I am in his presence, my hands get cold and my heart beats so fast. It's not the only thing that happens I kind of get jealous when I see her female friends when they are very friendly and I feel like I wish if I could be with him too. Then I see his brother and other friends whom have great personality too I feel they would definitely think me I am boring and I am dumb, What if my boyfriend talks about my personality I would be so embarrassed. I never felt this , this is the first time I am feeling intense Fear with excitement because I feel my boyfriend is special to me. I feel guilty everyday and regret that I am not putting any efforts and whatever happens I am responsible for that, I told him about my nervousness he said "You have to talk about your problems with me not just sit ideally with your problem" And I said him many times that I really wanna talk to you but I can't I get nervous so he said "Please stop this" I am just giving up everyday I feel so embarrassed and what is he thinking about me. It's just not about talking I could not even get sarcastic around him I just don't know what's happening. Experiencing this for the first time in my life. I am feeling that I am just disappointing him which is true I am just giving up please advice me. 

[Pumpernickel]

Ok - first question: Have you met in person? It sounds like he’s making you uncomfortable somehow. Is he pushing you to do or talk about uncomfortable things in any way, shape or form? It’s always, always a risk to “meet” people online, especially when you’re inexperienced & young. There are a lot of sick people out there who are bored (as a best case scenario) or dangerous (worst case scenario), and who will try to take advantage of you one way or another. 
Rule #1: Never believe anything you’re told online. This guy could be old, married and dishonest, for all you know. This guy could be anyone. Have you told your parents about this?

Edited August 27, 2021 by Pumpernickel
Typo

[spiderowl]

You do not sound at all comfortable with this guy.  You seem to think that your behaviour and nervousness is the problem but it could be that there is something about him that you do not feel at ease with, not that you are at fault.

How does he treat you?  Is he fun?  Do you and he spend time together alone?  

It sounds like you are very conflicted - want to be with him and talk to him more, but at the same time feel too inhibited.  Why is he telling you to stop this?  Is he telling you not to talk about nervousness or that you should not be nervous? 

Accept that you feel nervous.  When do you feel most nervous?  What is happening then?  What are you instincts telling you to do?  Instincts are important; they can be a warning signal that something is wrong.  If the situation makes you feel uncomfortable, then leave it.

[Priya]

Of course I can't tell my parents about them. I understand that I should not belive anyone neither do I but of course there is some feeling for him and yeah I an actually uncomfortable. 

[Priya]

1 minute ago, spiderowl said:

You do not sound at all comfortable with this guy.  You seem to think that your behaviour and nervousness is the problem but it could be that there is something about him that you do not feel at ease with, not that you are at fault.

How does he treat you?  Is he fun?  Do you and he spend time together alone?  

It sounds like you are very conflicted - want to be with him and talk to him more, but at the same time feel too inhibited.  Why is he telling you to stop this?  Is he telling you not to talk about nervousness or that you should not be nervous? 

Accept that you feel nervous.  When do you feel most nervous?  What is happening then?  What are you instincts telling you to do?  Instincts are important; they can be a warning signal that something is wrong.  If the situation makes you feel uncomfortable, then leave it.

How can I just leave you do have feelings , yeah I am conflicted 

.  This thing stresses me out everyday

[spiderowl]

If you are not comfortable with him, then what is the point of being with him, however wonderful you think he is?

 

 

[Priya]

Because I have no right to leave someone like that and I do have feelings for him. It's a strange and weird behavior of mine to be scared of my own boyfriend. How can I escape from this situation where all the blame goes to me and how can I just stop negative talk even my mind knows why am I doing this negative talk. Whatever he does is the outcome of my actions and I have to accept that. I don't know I am just not able to use my brain properly I go blank

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

Ok - first question: Have you met in person?

Have you even seen him?  If he makes you uncomfortable block him and don't engage.  Meet a guy closer to your age who will spend time with you.  This guy and his friends are at different stages in life and that is one reason you're uncomfortable. 

[Priya]

I wish if I could do that everybody said me the same but If someone in my place would have done this to me I would definitely be sad so I can't do that and nit of course now when I have all the guilt and blames and I am responsible for everything. 

BTW different in stages like what can you elaborate and what else could be the reason. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Priya said:

Because I have no right to leave someone like that and I do have feelings for him. It's a strange and weird behavior of mine to be scared of my own boyfriend. How can I escape from this situation where all the blame goes to me and how can I just stop negative talk even my mind knows why am I doing this negative talk. Whatever he does is the outcome of my actions and I have to accept that. I don't know I am just not able to use my brain properly I go blank

What do you mean you have "no right" to leave someone?  Of course you do.  Even older married people leave and divorce because it is their right.  How can this guy be your boyfriend if you've never seen him in person and gone out on a date?  What "blame" are you talking about and what do you mean by "whatever he does is the outcome of your actions".  If you block him you won't be blamed, because you won't see or talk to him again.  He isn't going to do anything but move on with his life he you block him so there's nothing to fear.

[Priya]

The blame I an talking about is that if I am in a relationship I am supposed to put efforts and talk. I am just running from the situation his presence makes me nervous. Just tell me if you in a relationship a person does not calls you or texts you but actually genuinely likes you, it's of course your call to what to do next either to understand her situation or just dump him. I told him about my nervousness again with embarrassment of what if he told his brother or his friends or his female friends he told if I could wait for you then you could also change for me faster I know you are small. But I just can't I can't do anything in life. Even with support or without support

[d0nnivain]

You are young & shy.  It's flattering when an older guy flirts with you.  However you are at different life stages.  You are in HS  he is a bona fide adult.  As such this relationship is not a great idea.  While you find him mature & intimidating, the reality is his is flawed.  If he wasn't, he wouldn't be interested in a 17year old child.  He'd be dating a woman his own age; he probably isn't because women his age find him childish. Be really careful. 

A big part of your problem is love self esteem.  Some of that will improve with age but for now read some self help books about helping yourself & the way you view yourself.  

[stillafool]

So you have never been on an actual date with or seen this dude in person?

[Priya]

Is self esteem the only thing and what should I do to take my fear off? 

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are young & shy.  It's flattering when an older guy flirts with you.  However you are at different life stages.  You are in HS  he is a bona fide adult.  As such this relationship is not a great idea.  While you find him mature & intimidating, the reality is his is flawed.  If he wasn't, he wouldn't be interested in a 17year old child.  He'd be dating a woman his own age; he probably isn't because women his age find him childish. Be really careful. 

A big part of your problem is love self esteem.  Some of that will improve with age but for now read some self help books about helping yourself & the way you view yourself.  

What should I do to get rid of my fear and what is this emotions that I am feeling why am I not able to talk to him? I am not on his side but as I see him he actually knows and he chooses wisely. In the starting he was quiet impressed with me because of me talking very Boldly and after some talks he got me that I am actually his type but eventually because of some reason I started loosing myself. Also it's my fault that i am not putting efforts. Of course no relationship works without any communication I do nothing. No calls I do text but I don't talk like a person who talks with a bf I talk like a Hi-Bye friend. 

Edited August 27, 2021 by Priya
Wanted to add more details

[Priya]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So you have never been on an actual date with or seen this dude in person?

I mentioned I met him online and I have never seen him as in a person but I have talked with him on video calls. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Priya said:

I mentioned I met him online and I have never seen him as in a person but I have talked with him on video calls. 

This isn't a real relationship.  Again, you need to date guys who are closer to your age and stage in life who you can see in person and spend time going out with you.  That will be a real fulfilling relationship.

[Priya]

Just now, stillafool said:

This isn't a real relationship.  Again, you need to date guys who are closer to your age and stage in life who you can see in person and spend time going out with you.  That will be a real fulfilling relationship

I really respect what you say but that isn't actually answering my problem. 

[stillafool]

I'm not even sure what your question is.

[Priya]

Of course I gave every possible details please read it once again and then reply thank you. 

[stillafool]

I have reread it and I still don't see a specific question.  Could you ask it again?

[Priya]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I have reread it and I still don't see a specific question.  Could you ask it again?

My question is what should I do in this relationship why am I feeling this. Could you understand me? I don't know what should I do. Please advice me

[spiderowl]

56 minutes ago, Priya said:

Because I have no right to leave someone like that and I do have feelings for him. It's a strange and weird behavior of mine to be scared of my own boyfriend. How can I escape from this situation where all the blame goes to me and how can I just stop negative talk even my mind knows why am I doing this negative talk. Whatever he does is the outcome of my actions and I have to accept that. I don't know I am just not able to use my brain properly I go blank

Why are you blaming yourself for how you are feeling?  Who is blaming you?

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Priya said:

My question is what should I do in this relationship why am I feeling this. Could you understand me? I don't know what should I do. Please advice me

I don't know how to advise you about what to do to not be nervous while talking to this person.  I can only imagine why you are nervous while talking to him and that is because you aren't compatible.

[Priya]

1 minute ago, spiderowl said:

Why are you blaming yourself for how you are feeling?  Who is blaming you?

It's because it could be clearly seen. My boyfriend is the only one who calls me. I never take any efforts blame is all on me. 

[Priya]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't know how to advise you about what to do to not be nervous while talking to this person.  I can only imagine why you are nervous while talking to him and that is because you aren't compatible.

Not Compatible  of what?