Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 Hello guys, I’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years this year. On Wednesday I went out with a few work mates and had a one night stand. I’m not the sort of person to do this, I’ve only ever had 1 girlfriend and this is her. The one who’s heart I have now broken. Nobody deserves this, especially not my gf she is such a lovely person. Basically my questions is, do you think it’s possible to get past this? Can she forgive me? I really am praying she can. I’m not sure at the moment about her thoughts but she said we should meet for a coffee to discuss everything. I love her so much and I can’t imagine what life would be like without her. Not waking up to her messages etc etc, is making me so so sad. I know what I have done makes me look awful but yeah I just can’t lose her… Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 14 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: I’m not the sort of person to do this, I Correction: you ARE the sort of person to do this. Whether she forgives you or not, your relationship will likely never be the same again. Trust is gone in an instant and takes a long time to come back. It takes on average 3-5 years to get over a cheating event and that includes counselling, some never get over it... 8 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 28 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: I went out with a few work mates and had a one night stand. I’m not the sort of person to do this, Can she forgive me? Sorry to say but you are "the sort of person who does this". Does she know about it? How did she find out? Unfortunately there's really no excuse for this. Is this a coworker? You need to step back and reflect on what's going on and why you sabotaged your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Does she know about it? How did she find out? I told her straight away after it happened. She is not a co worker. I sabotaged my own relationship for no reason at all. I am lost for words and yes there is no excuse at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 2 hours ago, Sonofdave said: I told her straight away after it happened. She is not a co worker. I sabotaged my own relationship for no reason at all. I am lost for words and yes there is no excuse at all. I guess there is a reason, else you would not have done it. This is your first relationship, did you really think it was going to be forever? I guess not, not deep down, so you sabotaged it. You would have left sooner or later, so this has given you an out. I think married people with kids can take the time and put in the effort required to get over cheating. I do not think it is worth it for two single people. Years of misery, anger and disappointment and fighting about it, is just a waste of time. Life is too short. Let her go and just move on is my advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 23 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Let her go and just move on is my advice. The problem is I do truly love her and I can’t imagine spending a day without her. And yes before you say “why did you do it then” I have literally no idea why, it was a mistake on a night out, that I’ll regret for the rest of my Life. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 If the roles were reversed how would you feel about staying with her? I don't think these things happen for no reason. If you put some thought into it you might figure out why. If you've only had the one girlfriend, maybe you're wondering what else is out there. Maybe you have doubts about your relationship. The fact that you cheated makes it more likely you might do it again, especially since you say you have no idea why you did it. Good for you for being honest with her. But she very well may not be able to get past it. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 3 hours ago, Sonofdave said: I told her straight away after it happened. What was her reaction? All you can do is stop excusing it with things like "I'm not like that" or "It was a mistake". Let the dust settle. Either she forgives you...or not. It sounds like you do not want to settle down or be in an exclusive relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 Just now, Wiseman2 said: What was her reaction? The reaction you’d expect. But I am meeting with her on Tuesday which I guess is good. Or bad depending on what she says. She has been chatting to me via messenger very slightly, the odd message here and there etc. I think she wants to love me still but I guess it’s hard after what has been done. I just need to show her that I do want to Spend my life with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: The reaction you’d expect. Did she end it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Did she end it? I’m not really quite sure. She didn’t say “it’s over” she was just upset etc. She did say she needed to talk again on a fresh head, with less emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 21 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: The problem is I do truly love her and I can’t imagine spending a day without her. And yes before you say “why did you do it then” I have literally no idea why, it was a mistake on a night out, that I’ll regret for the rest of my Life. It was a choice you made, not a mistake. You had no doubt multiple chances to say no, yet you didn't, you went ahead anyway. I suggest you don't actually love her, you need her and that is a bit different. Another thing romantic love is conditional. Your relatives and close family will forgive you for almost any transgression time and time again, a gf won't. Remember that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 7 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: I just need to show her that I do want to Spend my life with her. Why on earth would she believe you now? It is you FIRST relationship, the chances of this lasting without the cheating are slim anyway. Now you cheated, they are even slimmer. Be realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 4 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: She did say she needed to talk again on a fresh head, with less emotions. She will most likely tell all her friends and family and they may advise her to end it. Either way, she can't trust you at this point. Avoid overdoing all sort of promises about future etc. Just hear her out. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 She may be able to forgive you but probably not. Look at this from her perspective, Especially since you can't explain why you did it, she can only conclude that you were unfulfilled in your relationship with her. She may never be able to trust you again. If you can't explain why this happened, she has to assume there is nothing preventing you from doing it again. She should also rightly fear that since you did this once if she forgives you you may think that is a free pass to do it again I give her credit for not emotionally breaking up with you in a huff. However, now that she's had time to think, when she does deliver the blow & breaks up with you, you should be able to hear the ice in her voice & the steel in her spine. Her will have hardened toward you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 11 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Why on earth would she believe you now? It is you FIRST relationship, the chances of this lasting without the cheating are slim anyway. Now you cheated, they are even slimmer. Be realistic. I must admit if I was sober I would agree. But 15 pints in it’s hard to even walk. I was very very drunk, I was even sick and everything.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 2 minutes ago, Sonofdave said: I must admit if I was sober I would agree. But 15 pints in it’s hard to even walk. I was very very drunk, I was even sick and everything.. So it wasn't you, it was the alcohol... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 If she decides to stay with you she may make less or no drinking a condition of continuing the relationship 15 pints is an obscene amount of alcohol. Frankly I'm surprised you were able to perform. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 Just now, elaine567 said: So it wasn't you, it was the alcohol... EXACTLY !!! No seriously, I am not making an excuse at all. But it definitely does not help the fact your brain function becomes more or less non existent. But yes, it was me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sonofdave Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 Just now, d0nnivain said: If she decides to stay with you she may make less or no drinking a condition of continuing the relationship 15 pints is an obscene amount of alcohol. Frankly I'm surprised you were able to perform. Trust me there was very little performing. It is 3 days later and I am still hungover. I take a cocktail of meds I don’t normally drink and I feel like I’m possibly going to collapse when I start work soon. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 Eat a banana & hydrate, preferably with something like Pedialyte or Gatorade. Drink plenty of plain water through the day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 5 hours ago, Sonofdave said: Basically my questions is, do you think it’s possible to get past this? Can she forgive me? I really am praying she can. The problem is that even if she can forgive you, she will most likely always have lingering misgivings in the back of her mind that can be triggered by even the most harmless circumstances. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 You can get past this, but you'll have to do everything in your power for her to trust you again, and this might take a long time, I'd suggest no more night outs without her (for some time), because she might get jelous and she might tell you or not, but most surely she will be insecure and also, you'll have to be really open on whatever she asks. After sometime after doing this she might trust you again. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 Honestly, it will probably be the beginning of a slow death of the relationship. You've just totally changed the landscape of your relationship with her, totally changed the way she will look at you, and probably badly rattled her sense of self-worth. A lot of betrayed partners will (erroneously) think they somehow weren't good enough for you, not pretty enough, not interesting enough - ideally, they would realize the problem is the cheater and not them, but realistically? Many take a huge hit to their own self-esteem after a partner cheats. So while many couples want to fogive and move on, I have rarely seen it work out well in the end. Some much older couples who've been together many years or are married and have enough already invested sometimes find a way through it, but I don't generally see younger couples winding up together for the long haul after cheating. I am not trying to dash all your hopes, but what I have observed suggests that a future with her might not be in the cards anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 6 hours ago, Sonofdave said: I went out with a few work mates and had a one night stand. Oh Ya.... You are going to get lots of hate here!!!! Me included... 6 hours ago, Sonofdave said: Can she forgive me? Or do you mean "Can she forget this so we can go back to how we were before this mess? No, is the answer, damage is done. You can not turn back time. 6 hours ago, Sonofdave said: I just can’t lose her… Yes you can, and likely will. The odds are very high that you will loose her one way or the other at some point. "She's not yours, it's only your turn" comes to play here... Deal with it, it is, what it is.... 5 hours ago, Sonofdave said: I am lost for words and yes there is no excuse at all. Likely not lost enough.... Do not beg!!! You have already shown her you are weak when drinking, begging to her shows you have lost all value. One of your traits that your GF found attractive was your strength, physical and mental. You have damaged the mental strength by the ONS, don't trash the rest by begging... Remorseful is different to begging. You have made your views clear that you want to keep her, give her space to decide if you are worth keeping. Do not beg. Do not double text. Do not display any signs of neediness. Show your strength but also show your compassion for the damage you have done. 2 hours ago, Sonofdave said: I just need to show her that I do want to Spend my life with her. No.... You need to show her life with you is worth her fighting for. She valued you, that is why she chose you as her BF. You have lost a lot (most) of that value, you need to get that back. It's not about you, it's about her and what she wants. She has to want you. (That's why begging doesn't work). Show your worth. Good Luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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