I cheated on the girl I love

[torn_heart]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, it will probably be the beginning of a slow death of the relationship. 

You've just totally changed the landscape of your relationship with her, totally changed the way she will look at you, and probably badly rattled her sense of self-worth. A lot of betrayed partners will (erroneously) think they somehow weren't good enough for you, not pretty enough, not interesting enough - ideally, they would realize the problem is the cheater and not them, but realistically? Many take a huge hit to their own self-esteem after a partner cheats. 

So while many couples want to fogive and move on, I have rarely seen it work out well in the end. Some much older couples who've been together many years or are married and have enough already invested sometimes find a way through it, but I don't generally see younger couples winding up together for the long haul after cheating. I am not trying to dash all your hopes, but what I have observed suggests that a future with her might not be in the cards anymore. 

I disagree, it hasn't happened to me but from what I've seen the main issue is that the cheater tries to go back to normal, and that wouldn't work, because the cheated won't trust, the dynamic has to change, for sometime, where the cheater proves he is trsutful, and in this case it's physical proof. 

I don't know how long would be this dynamic, but 1 year vs 20 (in case she is the one) might be worth it, it's just the 5% of the relationship.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Sonofdave said:

Trust me there was very little performing. It is 3 days later and I am still hungover. I take a cocktail of meds I don’t normally drink and I feel like I’m possibly going to collapse when I start work soon. 

If you were so drunk, you couldn't even walk, so drunk that three days later you are on the verge of collapse, combined with very little performing (if any?), what exactly happened that would warrant you calling whatever did happen cheating? 

Did you have sexual relations with another woman (or man) or not? 

Something is not jiving about your story. 

In any event, since you are on the verge of collapse 3 days later, get to a hospital, that's not normal.

And when you recover, join AA.

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Double post.

Edited August 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Sonofdave said:

15 pints in it’s hard to even walk. I was very very drunk, I was even sick and everything.

I take a cocktail of meds

Forget the cheating - this sounds like either a self-control issue or some sort of major self-sabotage. What you did sounds almost like an "under the radar" suicide attempt.

If you're really interested in being a safe partner, go see a therapist to address whatever drove this. Learn to let loose in small doses and/or deal with any unconscious self-destructive tendencies you may have. THEN you won't have some sort of repeat of this.

Your "emotional brain"/limbic system may not let you believe it, but you have bigger problems than losing this GF IMO.

Edited August 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Sonofdave said:

It is 3 days later and I am still hungover. I take a cocktail of meds I don’t normally drink and I feel like I’m possibly going to collapse when I start work soon. 

So you're the victim?

[lana-banana]

15 pints (!!) of alcohol, first relationship...how old are you?

[elaine567]

31 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

15 pints (!!) of alcohol, first relationship...how old are you?

 I guess he is in the UK...

[usa1ah]

12 hours ago, Sonofdave said:

I told her straight away after it happened. She is not a co worker. I sabotaged my own relationship for no reason at all. I am lost for words and yes there is no excuse at all.  

At least you understand this. There are quite a few that come here and blame everything but themselves. 
 

It is completely up to your girlfriend if the relationship is to continue/start anew or end. 
 

There are books out there on how to help your partner heal after your affair. Read them. 
 

Be humble and listen and answer truthfully all of her questions when you meet to talk. 
 

You have to do ALL the work to fix what you broke. Remember this. This means actions not words. 

Edited August 28, 2021 by usa1ah

[Cookiesandough]

Get help for your issues. You got them 

[NorthernGuard]

14 hours ago, Sonofdave said:

I must admit if I was sober I would agree. But 15 pints in it’s hard to even walk. I was very very drunk, I was even sick and everything..

You' blame your cheating on her because you were drunk? So, she can and likely will assume that previous times when you've been out and got drunk during your relationship with her, you may have cheated on her then, too. Just because you confessed now, to this betrayal, doesn't mean you haven't done it before. In her mind, maybe you were going to be caught this time and knew it, so confessed to her. I'd kick you to the curb and never look back. You're a bad bet at this point. You've seriously failed as relationship material, OP. I hope you learn and grow from this experience, and that your GF finds someone worthy of her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, NorthernGuard said:

You' blame your cheating on her because you were drunk? So, she can and likely will assume that previous times when you've been out and got drunk during your relationship with her, you may have cheated on her then, too.

Not only this, but also the assertion that you don't know why it happened, OP. 

If you don't know why, how on earth can you assure your girlfriend it will never happen again? I would not at all be reassured by that, in her shoes. It would tell me you don't have the insight to predict future situations in which you might be tempted, and thus have the sense to remove yourself from the situation. 

You say she is your first and only girlfriend you have ever had. I would be much more likely to believe that you are curious about other women and you threw all good judgement to the wind to explore your curiosity. It would not excuse what you have done, if I were your girl, but it would be a lot more plausible than "I have no idea why I did this." 

[smackie9]

All you can do is be as honest to her as possible, and be respectful of the space she asks for. Then let it play out.

[Redpilled]

On 8/28/2021 at 1:16 PM, Wiseman2 said:

sounds like you do not want to settle down or be in an exclusive relationship.

The majority of people don't, but can't admit it to themselves. Hence they try to reconcile the cognitive dissonance with "it was just the 15 pints I chose to drink".