High, low or none?

[Step One]

I'm recently divorced. She cheated. I found out. She denied, even thought it was very obvious. 

Once she accepted the fact that I wasn't fooled, she did express great remorse. She said she denied it because she knew the truth would hurt me so badly. She understands me enough to know that. She was holding out hope that she could avoid dishing out that much pain to me. Of course not enough that she would not cheat to begin with.  

It took about 16 months to get the divorce. Neither of us was in a hurry. We stayed living together, having sex, being best friends like we always were. Except for the cheating she is a great person and a perfect match for me. The best lover I've ever had. My best friend as well. We always spent all our free time together. All of it. We were inseparable, best friends and lovers. It was perfect, I thought.

Well she had more free time than I did obviously. 

She didn't want to move out and I have mixed feelings but it is done. I've been reading here and other places and been sold on the idea of "No Contact." It makes sense to me. I don't think I will stop feeling the pain of her betrayal  until I don't see or talk to her anymore. 

However......  It has only been a couple of weeks and I'm already failing miserably.  I miss her so much. I respond when she texts me.  I text her. When something happens in my day that I want to share with someone, she is the only one that I can do that with. I'm so used to talking to her hundreds of times per day. No exaggeration. My spending every spare moment with her has left me with no other human contacts that would understand or care about what I want to tell her. 

I've lost not only my best friend, my only even close friend. 

She is kind to me. Doesn't ask anything of me. Mostly just wants to be there for me as much as I need her to be. 

From reading here and other places, I think this is not good for me. I should bite the bullet and just stop. Right?   😭

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by Step One

[Bryanp]

What was the reason she gave for having the affair?

Have you been tested for STD's.

Was it more than one time?

Good luck.

[mark clemson]

Clearly you're conflicted.

There is no "right" answer. Some people instantaneously and permanently decide they're done. Others wish to reconcile. You seem to be either be right in the middle of those or perhaps doing a slow fade. If being with her will always bring you pain and there's no getting over that, or your gut perhaps tells you she's not really done, then you know what to do, although no doubt it's difficult. If you think you can one day find trust/emotional safety again, then you certainly seem to have a real interest in reconciling and genuinely care for her.

I've read that for many they "end" the old marriage and build a new one "on the ashes of the old one" you might say. You indeed seem to have done that since you have divorced. The part about building a new one doesn't seem to be happening for you though. I suspect that will require significant effort on both your parts. Perhaps neither of you are quite putting in the full effort required for that to happen. It's more than her "being there for you" and it's more than you "longing for her" over old times' sake while pulling away, I would think. But if at some level one or both of you feels it wouldn't be likely to work out, than perhaps it's not worth putting in all that effort, dunno.

 

Edited August 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Step One said:

It took about 16 months to get the divorce. We stayed living together, having sex, being best friends like we always were.

Are you still living together?

[Step One]

3 hours ago, Bryanp said:

What was the reason she gave for having the affair?

Have you been tested for STD's.

Was it more than one time?

Good luck.

 

Attention. She is a bottomless pit for attention. She is the most beautiful woman that I've seen in person, yet she is insecure. Flattery and even small gifts charm her. I'm good at both which is why she married me. Plus I was willing to spend every minute of my life trying to make her happy. 

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Clearly you're conflicted.

There is no "right" answer. Some people instantaneously and permanently decide they're done. Others wish to reconcile. You seem to be either be right in the middle of those or perhaps doing a slow fade. If being with her will always bring you pain and there's no getting over that, or your gut perhaps tells you she's not really done, then you know what to do, although no doubt it's difficult. If you think you can one day find trust/emotional safety again, then you certainly seem to have a real interest in reconciling and genuinely care for her.

I've read that for many they "end" the old marriage and build a new one "on the ashes of the old one" you might say. You indeed seem to have done that since you have divorced. The part about building a new one doesn't seem to be happening for you though. I suspect that will require significant effort on both your parts. Perhaps neither of you are quite putting in the full effort required for that to happen. It's more than her "being there for you" and it's more than you "longing for her" over old times' sake while pulling away, I would think. But if at some level one or both of you feels it wouldn't be likely to work out, than perhaps it's not worth putting in all that effort, dunno.

 

She wants to be with me but she also wants to continue having "attention" from other men. She denies that but I know it is true. I know that the vast majority of men she uses for attention she doesn't have sex with. Girls can do that. Lead guys on for a long time and not put out. The fact that I know of at least one time she did, that is a deal breaker for me.

She is continuing, playing games with guys. She lies about it. Says she will stop. She can't. She is addicted to limerence.

We have limerence together too, which is why she still wants me. I just can't look the other way about what she is doing.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still living together?

No, but she only moved out two weeks ago. At my request. She already said she wants to come spend the weekend here next weekend. No strings attached. 

[stillafool]

24 minutes ago, Step One said:

Attention. She is a bottomless pit for attention. She is the most beautiful woman that I've seen in person, yet she is insecure. Flattery and even small gifts charm her. I'm good at both which is why she married me. Plus I was willing to spend every minute of my life trying to make her happy. 

How old is she?  Unfortunately women like her do not respect men who flatter, buy gifts and basically fall at her feet.  They fall for men they have to chase, men who make her do the work to prove her love to them.  When you start seeing another woman (and she doesn't have to be beautiful but get all of your attention) and put your ex in the rear view be prepared because she will come after you to reclaim her spot.

[S2B]

Get a professional to help you. You are ha ring HER too much of YOUR power!

so learn to take your power back. 
get ideas about how to meet new people. Ones that won’t betray you and harm you.

she’s not as good of a friend as you think - she betrayed you for extra attention. She will likely NEVER be capable of being faithful.

since it’s so important to you - it’s good you divorced her. Sorry for your pain… and that she isn’t the good wife you thought she would be.

[S2B]

She’s a cake eater - of course she wants to be with you. 
but that will only keep you from finding a better match - so don’t allow her to take up all that emotional space - or you’ll never be open to finding someone new.

[pepperbird2]

op,

I m so sorry you've had to got through all of this. It' a place no one wants to be.

The "no contact" idea makes sense. It's no meant to punish the WS, just to give the BS sometime to thin without the influence of their WS. I can relate to the sense of losing your best friend. To me, that was one of the biggest blows, that and that the person who I opened up to and trusted hurt me.

f you do decide to reconcile I would give it a lot of thought first. Get counseling or talk it all through with a trusted friend or relative who knows you both. Personally, I wouldn't even consider getting back together with er until she( and you both) engage in some heavy duty counseling. This is because I think her cheating really has nothing to do with you at all. It's that her ego needs to be stoked. It sounds like, somewhere along the line, her self esteem took a beating, and she finds being with other men gives her an ego boost. While that is a very sad situation its not on you to fix it or her. It's way above your pay grade as a spouse.  Until she sorts through this in her own head, she will remain a high risk. To her ( and I doubt she's even aware of it) cheating has become a form of self medication for her self esteem issues. You ca tell her she's beautiful and you love her until you're blue in the face, ad that won't change.

oh, one more thing- don't just sit around your home feeling bad. Get out there and start living you life. Join a club or a gym, take a class, start  new hobby, volunteer at a food pantry, do something, anything to get you back on your emotional feet again so you can look at your situation as objectively as you can.

 

[Step One]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

They fall for men they have to chase, men who make her do the work to prove her love to them.  When you start seeing another woman (and she doesn't have to be beautiful but get all of your attention) and put your ex in the rear view be prepared because she will come after you to reclaim her spot.

She doesn't fit that mold. She is actually repulsed by men hitting on her. She wants to chose who she will be with. Even a guy that would otherwise be attractive to her, she will be repulsed if he makes the first move. That is how we met. I was too shy and insecure to talk to her. She loved that and came after me hard. 

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Get a professional to help you. You are ha ring HER too much of YOUR power!

so learn to take your power back. 
get ideas about how to meet new people. Ones that won’t betray you and harm you.

she’s not as good of a friend as you think - she betrayed you for extra attention. She will likely NEVER be capable of being faithful.

since it’s so important to you - it’s good you divorced her. Sorry for your pain… and that she isn’t the good wife you thought she would be.

I have been to I.C. I did EMDR for the trauma.

You are right, I know she isn't capable of being faithful and that is something I can't live with. She's still a good person and friend. Just not cut out to be a wife.  

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

op,

I m so sorry you've had to got through all of this. It' a place no one wants to be.

The "no contact" idea makes sense. It's no meant to punish the WS, just to give the BS sometime to thin without the influence of their WS. I can relate to the sense of losing your best friend. To me, that was one of the biggest blows, that and that the person who I opened up to and trusted hurt me.

f you do decide to reconcile I would give it a lot of thought first. Get counseling or talk it all through with a trusted friend or relative who knows you both. Personally, I wouldn't even consider getting back together with er until she( and you both) engage in some heavy duty counseling. This is because I think her cheating really has nothing to do with you at all. It's that her ego needs to be stoked. It sounds like, somewhere along the line, her self esteem took a beating, and she finds being with other men gives her an ego boost. While that is a very sad situation its not on you to fix it or her. It's way above your pay grade as a spouse.  Until she sorts through this in her own head, she will remain a high risk. To her ( and I doubt she's even aware of it) cheating has become a form of self medication for her self esteem issues. You ca tell her she's beautiful and you love her until you're blue in the face, ad that won't change.

oh, one more thing- don't just sit around your home feeling bad. Get out there and start living you life. Join a club or a gym, take a class, start  new hobby, volunteer at a food pantry, do something, anything to get you back on your emotional feet again so you can look at your situation as objectively as you can.

 

I did try to reconcile at first. We actually had sex within an hour of me finding out what she did!  Soon though I knew I could never get over what she had done. And this was even before I realized she had done it before and would do it again. So it is truly over. No chance of reconciliation now. 

However, maybe we can be friends? Maybe still have sex even, just not live together. Admit that we are not exclusive but be friends and lovers? That is why I'm here. I'm conflicted about this no contact thing. 

Edited August 29, 2021 by Step One

[glows]

It will hurt and you will feel low for a few months after separating from a spouse but both of you are using each other as an emotional/physical crutch without fully processing the break up, physical separation and divorce. You both didn't separate after the break up and before the divorce (did it in another order). It's preventing either of you from moving on with your lives. It's easy to lapse back especially if you were married and shared a life together. Find your outlets in other ways and resist the urge to keep contacting each other. It only takes one person to sever that communication and get back on track. 

[pepperbird2]

20 hours ago, Step One said:

She doesn't fit that mold. She is actually repulsed by men hitting on her. She wants to chose who she will be with. Even a guy that would otherwise be attractive to her, she will be repulsed if he makes the first move. That is how we met. I was too shy and insecure to talk to her. She loved that and came after me hard. 

I have been to I.C. I did EMDR for the trauma.

You are right, I know she isn't capable of being faithful and that is something I can't live with. She's still a good person and friend. Just not cut out to be a wife.  

I did try to reconcile at first. We actually had sex within an hour of me finding out what she did!  Soon though I knew I could never get over what she had done. And this was even before I realized she had done it before and would do it again. So it is truly over. No chance of reconciliation now. 

However, maybe we can be friends? Maybe still have sex even, just not live together. Admit that we are not exclusive but be friends and lovers? That is why I'm here. I'm conflicted about this no contact thing. 

I don't see that as a viable solution, because you care too much about her.
 

[Starswillshine]

How long were yall together?

I remember how hard it was for me when we divorced. I knew it was the right decision, but I was losing my best friend. The person I confided everything in. But ta the end of the day, if he was going to do this to me, was he truly my best friend? 

I couldn't go no contact because we have children together. Eventually, the hurt and pain went away. I leaned more on my friends for those types of things... and then eventually to a new partner. 

It takes time to unravel what was a married life together. And that included the emotions and the conflicting thoughts of she betrayed you but also there was love and friendship... 

[Step One]

On 8/29/2021 at 12:27 PM, glows said:

 Find your outlets in other ways and resist the urge to keep contacting each other. It only takes one person to sever that communication and get back on track. 

I should be patient. These are early days but I worry that I won't find other outlets. Or the low/medium contact will be too attractive to resist. 

On 8/31/2021 at 9:28 AM, Starswillshine said:

How long were yall together?

I remember how hard it was for me when we divorced. I knew it was the right decision, but I was losing my best friend. The person I confided everything in. But ta the end of the day, if he was going to do this to me, was he truly my best friend? 

I couldn't go no contact because we have children together. Eventually, the hurt and pain went away. I leaned more on my friends for those types of things... and then eventually to a new partner. 

It takes time to unravel what was a married life together. And that included the emotions and the conflicting thoughts of she betrayed you but also there was love and friendship... 

We were together for 18+ years.

You are right about, what kind of friend would do this to me! There must be something wrong with her that she could do this to her best friend.  There must be something wrong with me that I still even think about being friends with her. 

However, the other side of that is that she was/is a great person in almost every other way. 

On 8/29/2021 at 12:27 PM, glows said:

It will hurt and you will feel low for a few months after separating from a spouse but both of you are using each other as an emotional/physical crutch without fully processing the break up, physical separation and divorce. 

Yes. So if I care about her, I should cut her off. Even if she doesn't want that. It is in not just in my best interest but hers too. She can't move on either. Good point. 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Step One

[notbroken]

I'm sorry for what you are going through.   No contact for a while is the only way in my opinion.  Cold turkey.  Ask her to not contact you for a few months - and then ignore her contacts even then.   You will just keep 'rolling in the pain' until you do that.   As hard as it is - block her.   Phone, texts, emails, etc.   DO NOT go back to her.  It is like starting over every time afterwards.   You will never be able to trust her completely ever again.  Trust is the foundation of relationships.   Just say no - or better yet nothing at all.   

[spiderowl]

I know it is very hard, Step One.  She has cheated and tried to con you into thinking she hadn't.  When she was well and truly caught out, she claimed she had denied her cheating so as not to hurt you.  Yeah, good excuse that one!

It is painful to lose a best friend, incredibly painful, but for your own sake you need to free yourself of her.  What happens if she meets someone else and you are still emotionally tied to her?  You need to wean yourself off.  Unfortunately, with people the difference is that every contact draws you back again or upsets you and so you are on a perpetual rollercoaster as long as you stay in contact.  You also need to cut off her social media so you cannot see what she is up to and her friends cannot tell you.  It will only hurt for you to hear about her escapades.

She is getting something out of this too.  She has betrayed you, hurt you, and yet you are still her friend, supporting her, being a listening ear.  Does she really deserve to have you there for her?  No, I don't think she does.

If you remain in contact with this woman, you will not be able to create the emotional distance from her to start looking outwards to a new relationship.  A new relationship could be so much better for you.  It is near-on impossible to move forward with new relationships if you are emotionally, if not legally, married to your ex.  You need to go through the short-term pain of cutting her out of your life, in order to build a better one for yourself.

Edited September 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[S2B]

She’s a jerk and you are a chump for even trying to stay in contact.

stop being so weak.

you are divorced now! There is a reason why!

Edited September 3, 2021 by S2B