braceyourself Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 My neighbor has been living next door to me for the past 3 years. I never entertained the idea of being with him because he has a gf.. We are in our mid to late 30s btw. He has always been a gentleman towards me for years. He has always done things for me without asking for anything in return. This past November he asked for my number. Because he washes my cars, I didn't think anything of it. But around Christmas and NYE he wished me well and invited me out for drinks (I didn't go). For months, i ignored his calls/messages because he was too close for comfort and he lived with his gf. He's kind of scrawny and not really my type anyway. However, he was very persistent. He would text and call me and I wouldnt respond for a day or two. Sometimes never. Over time, I began to answer the phone and we just got to know each other without any sex or intimacy involved. Fast forward to today. I love him. He loves me. I don't want him to leave his gf because I still have to see all sides of him. Just recently, we begin to share some very personally details about our past, our finances, our children, etc. We have an amazing sex life and I actually feel like we have a true friendship. I can count on him to be there for me and I can be vulnerable and transparent with him. This is something I don't feel for many people. I guess my only issue is that he feels like my bf. I understand he has a gf. I don't think he is happy. I accidentally heard her say she feels a disconnect from him. That she doesn't see or talk to him much anymore. I felt bad. I don't know what to do here. I have never treated him out on a date or bought anything for him. But I did buy him some cologne he has been raving about. It was $76. Should I be buying him gifts? He has treated me out on a few dates (drinks, food, bowling). But he has never bought me a present.. only a souvenir. Am I doing too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 13 minutes ago, braceyourself said: he lived with his gf. Do you live with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author braceyourself Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 No. Just my toddler. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, braceyourself said: No. Just my toddler. It may be more satisfying to find your own BF before this gets messy for you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 I implore you to read some of the recent threads on this very board from women who are in affairs with married/committed men. Read their anguish, their anger, their insecurity, their pain. That will be you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 1 hour ago, braceyourself said: I love him. He loves me. I don't want him to leave his gf because I still have to see all sides of him. Just recently, we begin to share some very personally details about our past, our finances, our children, etc. We have an amazing sex life You are in a relationship with the man - you just don’t call him boyfriend. I would suggest that he does not love you - if he did, he would not be still with his girlfriend. Seriously, they are not married, they don’t live together, do they share a child? What reason does he give you for staying in a relationship that makes him happy when the love of his life is literally living right next door? Onelast thing to consider - let’s say that he does leave his girlfriend to be with you…how concerned are you going to be when he starts doing chores for the lady across the street? If being in a “committed” relationship didn’t stop him from pursuing you, it’s likely that it wouldn’t stop him from pursing the next woman who loves onto your street… Just something to consider - when someone shows you who they really are, you save yourself a whole lot of grief and heartache if you believe them. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Fox Sake Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, braceyourself said: I love him. He loves me. I don't want him to leave his gf because I still have to see all sides of him. Just recently, we begin to share some very personally details about our past, our finances, our children, etc. We have an amazing sex life and I actually feel like we have a true friendship. I can count on him to be there for me and I can be vulnerable and transparent with him. This is something I don't feel for many people. Can you just clarify for me that you two actually have an amazing sex life together? and he’s still with his current partner? No wonder she is feeling a disconnect from him. He’s busy making connections with you and withdrawn his emotional support for her. She feels his distance and it’s probably slowly destroying their relationship l, and he will likely be blaming it all on her. She will be feeling like a paranoid wreck. Seems like a bit of a coward move for him to not just end it of you both “love” each other. Not doubting your love, but I’ve been on the receiving end of this before having had it done to me , I’ve also been the other man at one point . It never ever ends well. Ever. It destroys everyone including yourself. What other sides are you looking to see in him? He’s already shown you he’s unfaithful and chased you relentlessly even tho he was with someone. He’s doing that with you. You’re now the other woman. If you value your home as a home then keep it that way, cos if things get messy with the neighbours then someone’s gonna have to move. Guard yourself . Read these forums , there’s posts going back for years with people in your situation and in the end - it all goes down the same way. With a bang. Edited August 28, 2021 by Fox Sake Spelling 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author braceyourself Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm aware of the possibilities here. I've been cheated on before and have been the cheater. So im aware of the consequences. I guess I'm being selfish at this point. As far as my neighbor, they have a one year old together. The reason I'm not really looking to be in a full blown relationship right now is because I don't know if he would do this to me. And im not so in love to the point that he has to leave her. If someone were to come along and love me properly, I would be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author braceyourself Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 Oh they live together as well. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) 22 minutes ago, braceyourself said: And im not so in love to the point that he has to leave her. If someone were to come along and love me properly, I would be with him. Well then, you are not in love with him. You don’t trust him. He is “good enough for now.” But, if someone more trustworthy and available came along… you would be gone. In the meantime, you are choosing to interfere in another woman’s relationship. Because, it’s convenient for you. He clearly doesn’t love you or he would chose to be with you. Many people out there coparent from two different homes. If he chose to be with you, they could certainly live separately and coparent. It’s your life, you chose what you want for your life. That said, the quality of your life is a direct reflection of the decisions you make. I say, chose wisely. Edited August 28, 2021 by BaileyB 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author braceyourself Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 3 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Well then, you are not in love with him. You don’t trust him. He is “good enough for now.” In the meantime, you are interfering in another woman’s relationship. And in doing so, you (and the child’s father) are putting the stability of this child’s family at risk. He clearly doesn’t love you or he would chose to be with you. Many people out there coparent from two different homes. If he chose to be with you, they could certainly live separately and coparent. It’s your life, you chose what you want for your life. That said, the quality of your life is a direct reflection of the decision you make. I say, chose wisely. No, I don't fully trust him. I'm not that naive hehe. Do I like the possibilities of him and I being together long term? Absolutely. If he wasn't with her, I absolutely would be with him and vice versa. But there is certainly a hesitancy on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 11 minutes ago, braceyourself said: Oh they live together as well. Does she not notice that he is spending so much time in your home? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, braceyourself said: No, I don't fully trust him. I'm not that naive hehe. Do I like the possibilities of him and I being together long term? Absolutely. If he wasn't with her, I absolutely would be with him and vice versa. Apparently you are that naive. And given your history with infidelity, it would seem that your picker is more than a little off… Edited August 28, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author braceyourself Posted August 28, 2021 Author Share Posted August 28, 2021 8 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Does she not notice that he is spending so much time in your home? No she doesn't know. And yes, my picker may be off. I'll take that. But so are many others according to statistics 😆. Bad joke.. I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (edited) Lets just ground you right now. He's your neighbour and he's taken so respect that relationship, because if he cheats on his gf, then he'd be the type of guy who cheats, and as such, you'd never trust him, because he could do the same to you. And when that relationship ends, which it will, given what you've mentioned above, it'll be right next to where you sleep, eat, and relax. Your home won't feel very homely after that. Consider someone else. - Beach Edited August 28, 2021 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 10 hours ago, braceyourself said: No she doesn't know It's going to be incredibly awkward for you when she does find out. She's already catching on that something is wrong. It won't take her long to put the pieces together, especially considering you and he are not being particularly clever here and are spending together in such close proximity to her. It's going to be very uncomfortable when she figures it out, and he stops messing around with you. Because if he wanted to be with you, he would have already chosen you. This is just some fun on the side for him, so I can nearly guarantee he won't leave her for you (unless she kicks him out, which would still mean he isn't leaving her of his own volition) You will still have to see both of them and it wil be embarrassing and hurtful to you that he didn't choose you. Then what? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 (edited) On 8/29/2021 at 5:28 AM, braceyourself said: As far as my neighbor, they have a one year old together. [ ] well, a kid can be reason enough to stay with her IMO she’s his child’s mother even if he’s getting some on the side. [ ] Edited September 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator doesn't address first post Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 This may seem trite but... Play with fire, get burnt 🔥 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 You are in an affair with him. He's cheating on his baby mamma with you right under her nose & you are letting it happen. You know cheaters because you have been cheated on & you are a cheater yourself. That is why your ethics allowed you do fall into bed with this scrawny guy who you say is not your type. He was there & this is easy. Deep down you know you can't have a relationship with him because one or both of you will cheat should you try exclusivity. You have already made a mess. What are a few more mistakes? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 23 hours ago, braceyourself said: My neighbor has been living next door to me for the past 3 years. I never entertained the idea of being with him because he has a gf.. We are in our mid to late 30s btw. He has always been a gentleman towards me for years. He has always done things for me without asking for anything in return. This past November he asked for my number. Because he washes my cars, I didn't think anything of it. But around Christmas and NYE he wished me well and invited me out for drinks (I didn't go). For months, i ignored his calls/messages because he was too close for comfort and he lived with his gf. He's kind of scrawny and not really my type anyway. However, he was very persistent. He would text and call me and I wouldnt respond for a day or two. Sometimes never. Over time, I began to answer the phone and we just got to know each other without any sex or intimacy involved. Fast forward to today. I love him. He loves me. I don't want him to leave his gf because I still have to see all sides of him. Just recently, we begin to share some very personally details about our past, our finances, our children, etc. We have an amazing sex life and I actually feel like we have a true friendship. I can count on him to be there for me and I can be vulnerable and transparent with him. This is something I don't feel for many people. I guess my only issue is that he feels like my bf. I understand he has a gf. I don't think he is happy. I accidentally heard her say she feels a disconnect from him. That she doesn't see or talk to him much anymore. I felt bad. I don't know what to do here. I have never treated him out on a date or bought anything for him. But I did buy him some cologne he has been raving about. It was $76. Should I be buying him gifts? He has treated me out on a few dates (drinks, food, bowling). But he has never bought me a present.. only a souvenir. Am I doing too much? Oh man a neighbor? Now thats gotta be tough because you probably see then often. How do you plan to keep this secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 so basically he is cheating on his gf and you are enabling him to do that. Also, you love him and think he loves you too and he won't do the same to you after you are together? It's so simple to break up before starting an affair, he can just tell her we are over, I don't love you, but he does not because he can get two girls instead of one, two gullible girls, such a sweet deal. I would start looking for another place to move to because if you don't, you'll waste years and years of your life being the other women, find yourself someone faithful, not a cheater! Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 (edited) op, please be honest with yourself. You say you don't want to hurt his girlfriend, yet you are sleeping with her boyfriend? Come on now, that's ridiculous. Your "care" about her feelings is irrelevant, as when this hits the fan, shes going to be hurt, and you helped that to happen. The concern for her isn't enough to make you stop what you're doing, so it really doesn't matter. Edited August 30, 2021 by pepperbird2 removed content after reading additional posts 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted September 1, 2021 Share Posted September 1, 2021 On 8/29/2021 at 2:55 AM, Cookiesandough said: Agree with what baileyb said Seconded. I won't bother typing out my two cents because @BaileyB got to the essence of it. Also, it's a bit troubling how non-chalant you are about all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted September 1, 2021 Share Posted September 1, 2021 OP, Where do you see this all leading is my question? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 2, 2021 Share Posted September 2, 2021 (edited) On 8/28/2021 at 9:55 AM, braceyourself said: I don't know what to do here. Given that he has a kid with his GF about the only two reasonable things you can do (unless you're up for breaking up a family) would be to either continue the affair or end it. From what you write, I suspect that if you attempt to end it he will "chase" you; not sure what would come of that. It sounds clear to me that you have significantly emotionally bonded, so a breakup is likely to be distressing. It may be the best course in the end, dunno. Keep in mind that most relationships end sooner or later, affair or no. I'd be cautious about gifts as they are "risky". He can always claim he bought something for himself - that's fine, but be aware of any (metaphorical) fingerprints you might be leaving. As you are probably aware Ddays (discovery days) tend to be painful and ugly affairs. That would likely be the case if she ever finds out about this as well. You may end up wishing you didn't live so close, dunno. Edited September 2, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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