Mrs Brightside Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 First time poster, please be kind. I'm just so confused right now and I need to get it all out. Apologies if this is a bit long, but I don't want to drip-feed information. So, I met my now husband, N, when I was 20 and he was 30. We dated for about a year, but he decided he wanted a break from me (to this day I've no idea why, he has never wanted to discuss it). I was upset but went along with it as he said he needed time to decide if he'd miss me when we weren't together. This break lasted for around 18 months, although, being young and stupid, whenever he asked me to go round for sex I did. During this break I met somebody, S, through mutual friends. He was genuinely interested in me and we got on incredibly well. We met up quite often, either with our friends or just the 2 of us, but it didn't lead to anything other than a few cheeky kisses, no sex was involved. I developed very strong feelings for him, but as I was still in love with N I was reluctant to take it any further as I didn't want to hurt anybody. In all honesty, I was totally confused and didn't know what I wanted. N eventually decided to break off our relationship completely. I continued to meet up with S, but after a couple of months when I finally plucked up the courage to tell him how I felt, he said he didn't feel that way about me anymore. I was devastated but accepted it because that's how life goes sometimes. Long story short, N and I got back together after he decided I'd changed (not sure how) and we've now been married for 10 years and have 2 daughters. I love him, but not like I used to all those years ago. There is very little affection in our relationship. He spends hours playing games on his phone, often falls asleep on the sofa instead of coming to bed, and I can't even remember the last time we had sex. If I try to talk to him about it he immediately shuts the conversation down. I struggle with my body image anyway, and now I don't feel attractive to him anymore. He rarely wants to do anything as a couple. I work full time and do everything as far as our children are concerned, I don't get a break. I'm miserable. To make things worse, I recently went out with friends and S was there as well, first time I've seen him in a very long time. We spent time talking to each other, but nothing more than that. My mind is now in overdrive. I can't help thinking what my life would be like if I hadn't got back with N, would I be with S now? Would I be happy? Why do I feel so bloody worthless? I love my children more than life itself, but I just feel so unhappy and don't know what to do. Am I feeling like this purely because I saw S recently? *just to say, there's no suggestion of me getting together with S, nor am I contemplating having an affair with him or anything like that, I think that ship sailed long ago. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 (edited) Welcome. It’s not hard to understand why you are unhappy in your marriage. Quite honestly, I’m not sure why you took him back after he needed a “break” (during which he likely did what you did - pursued another relationship - which is why he refuses to talk about it). It’s difficult to believe that you’ve never talked about an event in your relationship this significant… and I’m sorry, but to come back to you after he broke it off (likely to have sex with another woman) and then tell you he had decided to pick up with you because you’ve changed… Well, your husband behaved in a selfish and entitled way then and he continues to behave in selfish and entitled ways now… You were very passive back in the day when he decided to take a break from your relationship but continued to have sex with you… and it sounds like things haven’t changed for you now. Your choices are - talk to him and try marriage counselling with the hope that things will change, continue as you have been, or leave. To be very honest, I would never have taken him back after that break. If he needed a break to see if he missed me I would make sure that he missed me all right - I would have been long gone. Fast forward to today, I wouldn’t stay in a marriage with no affection and a partner who is disengaged. This doesn’t sound like a man who loves you, it sounds like you both settled… Edited August 29, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 We can't change what has already happened, just go forward. 27 minutes ago, Mrs Brightside said: ...and I can't even remember the last time we had sex. If I try to talk to him about it he immediately shuts the conversation down. So don't talk to him about it, just do something playful, something to entice him into having sex with you. As an example, I was dating this one woman and she came over to my house on a Sunday, because she was bored. I told her I wanted to watch the football game, she said that sounded like fun. She quickly became bored with the game, right before half time, she went into the kitchen stripped down to her birthday suit and ran right in front of the TV and said "If you can catch me, you can have me" and I began to chase her around the house. Needless to say, I missed the rest of the game. I thought it was a cute way to get my "attention". I'm sure you can come up with something creative and playful to entice him into sex!! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 First things first, stay the <*bleep*> away from S. Put him out of your mind. Second work on your self esteem & body image issues. When you don't feel good about yourself the littlest things feel like slights. After you get your head back on straight, talk to your husband & tell him what you want: date nights, time together each evening rather than him playing games on the phone etc. Perhaps try to spice things up in the bedroom -- get some new lingerie. Talk to each other. Perhaps get MC. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 (edited) 20 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: We can't change what has already happened, just go forward. So don't talk to him about it, just do something playful, something to entice him into having sex with you. As an example, I was dating this one woman and she came over to my house on a Sunday, because she was bored. I told her I wanted to watch the football game, she said that sounded like fun. She quickly became bored with the game, right before half time, she went into the kitchen stripped down to her birthday suit and ran right in front of the TV and said "If you can catch me, you can have me" and I began to chase her around the house. Needless to say, I missed the rest of the game. I thought it was a cute way to get my "attention". I'm sure you can come up with something creative and playful to entice him into sex!! Even if this "succeeds" and they have sex that one time, it won't change the fact that she's with a person who won't be affectionate to her in other ways, won't be a father to his own children, and doesn't want to talk to her. "Enticing" is a fun and playful thing to do to spice up the bedroom when you are in a relationship that is already good and healthy. It isn't a tool to save a destructive marriage, using it in her case would be akin to using a bathtub duckie to try and stay afloat in the ocean when your ship is sinking, lol. I second @BaileyB's suggestion of MC. Edited August 30, 2021 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 4 minutes ago, Elswyth said: It isn't a tool to save a destructive marriage... "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Lao-tzu Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Lao-tzu Doesn't work if the destination is at the bottom of the ocean. Seriously, if someone is the sort of person that won't do anything with their own children despite both people working full-time, that's not something hot sex can solve. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 1 minute ago, Elswyth said: Doesn't work if the destination is at the bottom of the ocean. I don't see the harm in attempting to take a step forward. Maybe a little fun in the bedroom will re-awaken this gentleman. We have no idea why he is withdrawn?? Maybe he is feeling unloved?? Maybe he needs his wife to "jump start" him?? I don't see where enticing him into the bedroom with something fresh or new would be a bad thing. If that doesn't work, at least she tried... where is the harm in trying?? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 "Enticing" him will result in upset and humiliation. My guess he will hardly look up from his phone... He has no interest in having sex with the OP. I think he tried during "the break" to find someone better than the op, he failed and so has had to "make do", ever since. I would not be surprised to find he is actually gay...OP why have you got so hung up on guys who don't want you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 26 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I would not be surprised to find he is actually gay... If that is true, then it completely changes things and you would be correct. Perhaps the OP will chime in and give us her thoughts on your theory. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 It may be too late, @Mrs Brightsidemay not actually want to have sex with N. I remember in my marriage that had become sexless not feeling my husband found me attractive anymore. When I stopped to figure out what I was feeling, I realized the idea of having sex with him no longer held any appeal whatsoever to me anyway. There's no way I would have tried to entice him. Sometimes we float along way past the point we should have exited because of obligation, guilt, fear of change, etc. Seeing S again might have been the thing that woke her up to that (and not because she wants S, it just reminded her what she was missing in general). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted August 30, 2021 Share Posted August 30, 2021 Other people often bring issues to the forefront of a marriage and there's some unrest. I can't speak for myself as I'm loyal to a fault in a relationship and trust the other person has my back, when it's not always the case. I'd treat this as two separate issues - unresolved emotions in your marriage and issues of feeling uneasy and the separate issue of S who has brought those marital issues to the forefront. I'm sorry you're in this position. Either work on your marriage and engage more with your husband or leave the marriage and explore other options. Link to post Share on other sites
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