My partner (30yo M) told me (30yo F) that he was using his work bonus to buy me an engagement ring but he blew the money. Am I wrong for being upset and is it a dealbreaker?

[Worried32]

He has large debts, which i knew about and thought he was getting on top of. I am so upset he wasted the money, which he never said i just picked up on. I asked him why he told me he was using it to buy me a ring if he wasnt and he said he was excited in the moment. I know he does love me, he just cannot manage his finances. Its so hard as i love him, but if he doesnt sort it out i will suffer. I dont know whether to cut my ties or work through it, like really get tougher on sorting it out and maybe work out something where i control the finances. Also, am i overreacting for being so upset? Its been a day and i can hardly speak to him I'm so hurt. He keeps telling me he is serious about making it happen. This  was the only lump sum of cash he had coming through. As its been a day he seems to be getting his back up a bit, and he said how soon do you think it was going to happen? That he had a date in mind and was always going to happen. Im thinking but how, you spent the only money you had.

[Blind-Sided]

I think you are over reacting... but it also sounds like someone you should reconsider being in a marriage with.   If you marry... his debt becomes your debt.  His poor spending becomes your issue.  There are a lot of divorces over money.

After my divorce... one of the girls I was going to be set up with, I kind of sidestepped the meeting. She was very pretty, and I was told she was very loving and sweet... but I also found out she had declared bankruptcy twice in her life.  AND... while she had her MBA... she hasn't really gotten into a career using her advanced degree, and prefers to just work basic jobs. 

So... don't be mad he didn't buy you something... be upset that he has debt, but continues to spend poorly, and really consider if that is something you want to live with. 

[Calmandfocused]

How did he blow the money? Gambling? Or did he pay off some of his debts? 
 

If it’s the latter that was exactly the correct thing to do from his perspective. Being in huge financial debt is no way to start a marriage. 
 

However if the money went down the toilet you should be having concerns. Big time! 
 

Financial problems are one of the top triggers for divorce. So you want to financially keep a man for the rest of your life do you? You want to be responsible for all the financials and be mummy to him, because he can’t be trusted? You want to be the sole financial provider for your children? ….
 

You need to ask yourself these serous questions because it sounds like you haven’t. 
 

You’re in no position to get engaged IMO. There are much more pressing matters at bay that need sorting out first. Love has nothing to do with it. 

[d0nnivain]

You are reacting to the wrong thing.   It is terribly disappointing that he promised you an engagement ring but then didn't follow through.   However, you have 2 much bigger issues to consider.  Why do you want to marry a man who 

*  can't manage his finances? 

* is so cavalier about something like marriage? 

Money causes more problems than infidelity in a relationship.  For him to now say he was just excited in the moment, as if he really didn't mean in, tells me he is unreliable.  Do you really want to hitch your wagon to a guy you can't count on?  Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.  You won't have a husband who is a true partner.  You will have a large child you have to manage.    

[lana-banana]

I tend to be sympathetic to debts but there a big difference between normal financial strain and somebody who outright wastes every dollar he gets. You cannot have a healthy relationship, much less a marriage, to someone you can't trust with money. The money itself is less important than what it represents: the ability to take care of yourselves, be prepared for the future, commit to long-term goals, etc. This is very much a deal breaker. It's your call as to how to proceed but unless he commits to (and follows through on) radical financial counseling then this can't be saved.

[JRabbit]

OP What did he do with the money?

[Els]

Yikes, you have way bigger issues than an engagement ring with this dude. I mean, a ring is just a ring, you can always get a cheap one first and a more expensive one later. But that doesn't change the fact that you are planning to marry a man who cannot handle his own finances. Why do you want to do that?

[glows]

He's not ready for marriage but likes to believe he is. Both of you are on vastly different pages but both also believing the same lie. It won't work. Do you live together? 

Edited August 30, 2021 by glows

[FudgeSwirl]

You are definitely right to overreact but not over the ring.  Usually an engagement ring is something someone slowly saves for, but the more serious concern is how he manages money and he fact that he has debt.  Even though I knew about my ex-husband's college loan when we were getting married, I didn't find out about his debt and money management problems until after we were married because he did a fantastic job of appearing as though he had a good handle on everything.  It really was like taking care of a child as @d0nnivain mentioned to the point where he had to put me in charge of our finances down to giving him an "allowance" so he wouldn't blow our income on mindless purchases and gambling.

Thankfully, though, this behavior can be changed.   Therefore I would not jump ahead to an engagement until he is more responsible.  You want a partner who you can depend on down to being a good provider, especially if you want children, and knowing how to save.   If he does not change, then you might want to reconsider a future with him.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/30/2021 at 7:10 AM, Worried32 said:

He has large debts, which i knew about and thought he was getting on top of. I know he does love me, he just cannot manage his finances. 

How long have you been dating? Is there pressure to marry/get engaged?

Never  marry someone who has "large debts".  The moment you say "I do",  his financial problems become  your financial responsibilities/liabilities.

 That means poor credit, no house, no credit, etc., etc., etc. Rethink this and any desperation to marry someone incapable of handling money.

Edited August 31, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Lauriebell82]

I think the bigger picture isn't the engagement ring..it's the irresponsibility with money! When I was in my early 20's I was in a very serious relationship with a man who could not manage money to save his life! It got old super quick. He cost me lots of money I didn't have and lied repeatedly about his financial situation. Everything else was fine about the relationship other then his ability to manage money. But I have always been super great with money and very financially responsible. So it drove me nuts to be someone who was not.

Sure, it is possible to manage all the money in a marital situation..but you aren't his mother. You can't keep tabs on the man 24/7. He's an adult. So unless you dish him out an allowance like a teenager and not let him have any access to any of the bank accounts or credit cards or anything...well you see where I am going with this. Can he learn to manage money better? Yes. But I would seriously consider talking this out and seeing if this is something he is is even WILLING to address before you consider marriage. 

[skins33]

He's unreliable, and you should treat him so.

I do the same with guy friends who are well into gambling and the like.