When should the marriage topic be had?

[ctlguy]

I wanted everyones opinion when the topic of potential marriage should even been brought up in a relationship.

I have been in a great relationship for almost 11 months now. We are both 45. She has been out of a divorce for 3 years now and I have never been married. 

My GF and I are totally best friends who we literally can cry laughing every day, have a lot in common, and never go without saying I love you when we part or hang up the phone. Her kids really like me and us together. We have all been on trips together with family. Her and my sister talk alot which they both adore each other.  SO...... all the pieced fit and marriage is a goal of mine and my entire family hope we get married and cant see one reason we wouldnt. 

So a little event happened the other day that threw a red flag up for the first time for me. My mother has never met her and cant really fly 5 hrs to come visit due to knew problems. I was on speaker phone with her the other day and I mentioned I wish she could come out to visit. My mother said "I would make the flight if you got married" and my GF was right there. We both kinda smile and shook our heads in a jovial way. 

Now.....after I hung up there phone my GF said "does you mom realize that they may never happen? I dont even think about that" 

That hit me and has made me do a lot of thinking. Are we not even on the same page, or even want the same thing? I have always stayed away from that topic but now we are approaching a year together. At what point and HOW should this even be brought up. It can be very uncomfortable but I want to know at what point do I and fear that I may realize I am not in the right relationship and have to part ways. 

I KEEP thinking of the saying, its not that she doesnt want to, but she just see it with you. 

I need some advice here PLEASE

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ctlguy said:

my GF said "does you mom realize that they may never happen? I dont even think about that" 

Ask your GF what she, specifically, meant by this. Never marry again ever. Never marry you. Too soon to marry, etc. 

Certain factors work for you. You're not starting a family so no time crunch. You have time to get to know each other better. 

[d0nnivain]

I think it's far passed time for you two talk about her views on marriage in general. not necessarily to you, still a bit early for that, but you need to know if her divorce soured her on the whole institution.  If she says yes, that she's never going to get married again, you need to think about how you feel about that.   If it's just a matter of she really hadn't thought about it but isn't ruling it out just because, then be a bit more patient.  

However, if you want to have kids with her, at 45 that clock is ticking.  

[glows]

There's no panic. Slow down. It's less than one year of dating so see how things go. Ask your gf what she thinks of marriage at some point and share your views. 

 

[Els]

I don't think it's too early to TALK about marriage, especially considering your ages. What do you intend to do if she clarifies that she genuinely would never want to marry again, though?

[basil67]

Within the first few weeks of dating, I would have had a very broad "what are you looking for?" discussion.   But now that you're 11months in, I guess you'll have to go out on a limb and tell her that you see a future with her and wondering how she's feeling. 

[chillii]

 

Yeah for sure , we talked about all that stuff and all kinds of things , first few days. Not in some big talk or anything like that, just natural convo along with anything and everything really. She did wanna know if l planned on remarrying though and that's fair enough.

[Lauriebell82]

I'd bring it up. If she is divorced she may never want to get remarried. A lot of divorced people are completely against getting remarried. It's just too painful. I for one do want to get remarried. My boyfriend is more cautious given his rough divorce but he sees it happening. We are on the same page. We have talked about it a lot. He knows its a dealbreaker for me. 

My suggestion would be this: figure out if this is a dealbreaker. Can you be in a relationship that doesn't end in marriage? Then after you do that flat out ask her what she sees happening with your relationship. Does she see marriage? Living together? Both? Does she see herself marrying ANYONE? Get on the same page! It may not be the exact timeline, but if you can both see wanting the same thing eventually then that's something. 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[FMW]

It's already come up now since she commented on what your mother said.  I see no reason why you can't ask her about her views.  

As @Lauriebell82 noted, after divorce many people, male and female, have no desire to marry again.  I'm  kind of surprised it hasn't  come up in 11 months.  

[chillii]

Yeah same , l don't even know how it'd be possible spending 11 mths with someone and never having talked about anything marriage. Don't think l ever met a woman that didn't talk about marriage let alone  for 11mths.

[ctlguy]

18 hours ago, FMW said:

It's already come up now since she commented on what your mother said.  I see no reason why you can't ask her about her views.  

As @Lauriebell82 noted, after divorce many people, male and female, have no desire to marry again.  I'm  kind of surprised it hasn't  come up in 11 months.  

It has been briefly brought up in the past. Its the "its just not something I think about right now and there is no rush." She has mentioned that she really wants to focus on her kids who are entering Jr high and high school. Another one is $ and security that she is trying to figure out her own safety. Overall.....I think she doesnt know what she wants until she can figure out what her future looks like. I KNOW.......that to me is a wrong way of seeing things but I havent pressed the topic. 

 

[chillii]

But are you both def' in love too?

At any rate so she has talked bits about it then really but if the love is right then she's just in no hurry. That's understandable only 3yrs divorced kids and security and the whole picture. She'd also need to be 300% sure before risking going through it again and in her case especially risking her kids going through it again if it didn't work out this time either. She's thinking of the whole picture which is a really good thing she's a smart girl. In no hurry to jump back into the married life itself either by the sounds.

lf the loves there and right your still probably looking at 3,4,5yrs before she'll want to remarry. Too soon for her to push it any further atm.

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by chillii

[ctlguy]

7 hours ago, chillii said:

But are you both def' in love too?

At any rate so she has talked bits about it then really but if the love is right then she's just in no hurry. That's understandable only 3yrs divorced kids and security and the whole picture. She'd also need to be 300% sure before risking going through it again and in her case especially risking her kids going through it again if it didn't work out this time either. She's thinking of the whole picture which is a really good thing she's a smart girl. In no hurry to jump back into the married life itself either by the sounds.

lf the loves there and right your still probably looking at 3,4,5yrs before she'll want to remarry. Too soon for her to push it any further atm.

I agree there. We truly are best friends. We literally will cry laughing at stuff all week long, even 11 months later. One thing I didnt realize is that if she gets married again, then she looses alimony from her ex. 

 

[Lauriebell82]

On 9/2/2021 at 12:25 PM, ctlguy said:

It has been briefly brought up in the past. Its the "its just not something I think about right now and there is no rush." She has mentioned that she really wants to focus on her kids who are entering Jr high and high school. Another one is $ and security that she is trying to figure out her own safety. Overall.....I think she doesnt know what she wants until she can figure out what her future looks like. I KNOW.......that to me is a wrong way of seeing things but I havent pressed the topic. 

 

Okay this sounds like my boyfriend's slant on marriage. He says that he can see it happening for us in the future but he is not in a rush and wants to get his son out of his house (he is a junior in high school) as we are in different school districts. Neither of us can change school districts, as we have difficult ex spouses. As I said we have been together for 4 yrs now. It may be another few years before we actually get engaged/married. But that's fine because I have a clause in my alimony agreement (1.5 yrs left of it) so I can't get married (or even live with anyone) until that runs out or I lose that money. 

If it's not a firm "no, I never want to get married" and you value the relationship...then there is nothing wrong with waiting to see where the relationship naturally takes you down the line. Take it from me, there are a LOT of benefits to taking a relationship slowly after a divorce. It's not a bad idea to get to know each other very well and know EXACTLY what you are getting into. You have to understand what it feels like even entertain the idea of getting remarried after a divorce. What if you fail again? After all, it didn't work the first time. What if it happens again? Those are all thoughts that can be truly terrifying. Both my boyfriend and I have found that the more time we spend in our relationship, the more confident we feel that we are not only a good fit, but that we would have a successful marriage. 

Give her time. And if you feel like you cannot take it as slowly as she would like as far as marriage goes, then perhaps you are not a good fit for a relationship. That is of course something to consider. 

When is her alimony agreement up? That is for SURE something to consider! 

Edited September 3, 2021 by Lauriebell82

[ctlguy]

On 9/3/2021 at 9:49 AM, Lauriebell82 said:

Okay this sounds like my boyfriend's slant on marriage. He says that he can see it happening for us in the future but he is not in a rush and wants to get his son out of his house (he is a junior in high school) as we are in different school districts. Neither of us can change school districts, as we have difficult ex spouses. As I said we have been together for 4 yrs now. It may be another few years before we actually get engaged/married. But that's fine because I have a clause in my alimony agreement (1.5 yrs left of it) so I can't get married (or even live with anyone) until that runs out or I lose that money. 

If it's not a firm "no, I never want to get married" and you value the relationship...then there is nothing wrong with waiting to see where the relationship naturally takes you down the line. Take it from me, there are a LOT of benefits to taking a relationship slowly after a divorce. It's not a bad idea to get to know each other very well and know EXACTLY what you are getting into. You have to understand what it feels like even entertain the idea of getting remarried after a divorce. What if you fail again? After all, it didn't work the first time. What if it happens again? Those are all thoughts that can be truly terrifying. Both my boyfriend and I have found that the more time we spend in our relationship, the more confident we feel that we are not only a good fit, but that we would have a successful marriage. 

Give her time. And if you feel like you cannot take it as slowly as she would like as far as marriage goes, then perhaps you are not a good fit for a relationship. That is of course something to consider. 

When is her alimony agreement up? That is for SURE something to consider! 

Wow....thats interesting. I know she is worried for when the child support goes away. 

Anyway....as of right now I am not willing to wait around for years. 

[Lauriebell82]

20 hours ago, ctlguy said:

Wow....thats interesting. I know she is worried for when the child support goes away. 

Anyway....as of right now I am not willing to wait around for years. 

Then I think she is the wrong person quite frankly. She is unsure about remarriage and you have to be in for the long haul and willing to just "take it or leave it." Doesn't sound like you are. As much as I love my boyfriend and as much as I love the relationship, I am not willing to do this either. When my alimony ends if he no progress has been made as far as him not being ready for marriage then I plan to do a re-assessment at that point. This is my boundary. No ultimatum, no nothing. 

As I said..the reason I have been with my boyfriend so many years is because of my 5 year alimony agreement.  My advice is if you value the relationship, then give yourself a reasonable timeline (and set this internally as to not portray it as an ultimatum) of how long you will wait to see if engagement/marriage will naturally be something that your relationship will get to (for example by the 3 year mark).  If not, set a deadline for yourself (internally) of when you will re-ass so that you are NOT waiting for years on end for something that may never come. 

 

[xxcazaxx]

If it was me (even though some time has passed since it was said) I would talk to her about it. Say you have been thinking about what she said. Good luck

[Lisa]

Note from mods: This thread has had a number of posts discussing the merits of marriage removed due to not addressing the topic.   Please stay on the topic of when to discuss marriage.

 

Edited September 9, 2021 by Lisa

[Lotsgoingon]

People can go from "I'm not even thinking about that" to "yes, I'm thinking about marriage" in no time.

Actually, it's good for some people to just NOT think about marriage, because doing so just disrupts their flow and raises their anxiety. At the 1.5 year mark or 2-year mark, then it's time to have that discussion.

But you do need to respond to what she said because her words startled you and hurt you. "Hurt" hear doesn't mean she did something wrong--just that her words landed with that nasty impact on you. Right here is where there's a fork in the road for good relationships. 

You can do the casual-fake-confident thing and pretend those words didn't hurt. If you do so, your disappointment will leak out anyway and not in an upfront way. You gotta tell her you really like her and you were shocked that she hasn't even "thought" about marriage. Just say, I'm not wanting to get married now but I really like you and think we have something special and I thought we were on the same page.

Dude, this is so hard--but you gotta approach her. The approach is you share your feelings--not you attacking her. 

Oh, your tone here is one of as crazy as it sounds confidence, firmness. I've been thinking this and it feels great and I gotta know if we're on the same page. You are not asking for sympathy. You are stating with confidence and without shame that you really like her and assumed she really liked you. 

And yeah, 11 months, definitely lots of people together for 11 months have thought about marriage, and though quite quite hard. 

Now, doesn't mean people discuss marriage at 11 months. You discuss it when you're convinced that things are special. I think you wanna date at least 2 years before you get engaged. You want to wait out the period when people are putting on their best face and hiding lots of stuff about themselves. You want to see them sick and how they act then, and when you're sick and how they act then. You want to meet each other's families. There are a bunch of experiences you want to have to see if this person is really for you. You want to learn in detail about each other's finances. Do you know how much money she owes? How she spends- or saves vs how you spend a save? Until you nail down some of this info, lots of people don't want to talk about marriage.

Edited September 10, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Veronica73]

Yeah, I think you’ve got to bring it up, since it has already been brought up and her answer worried you. If you know you want to get married someday….and it seems that you do….I think you need to talk about it. 11 months might be too early to get engaged, but it is certainly not too early to talk about where you each see (or hope) things are headed. Especially at mid-40’s. How long has she been divorced, and was it her first divorce? I think probably a lot of divorced people are going to be pretty wary about getting married a second time…because they have already hoped to spend the rest of their lives with someone and it didn’t work out. And there’s children and money involved. It seems like it all gets more complicated as you get older and have more baggage.

[Lauriebell82]

On 9/10/2021 at 1:21 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

People can go from "I'm not even thinking about that" to "yes, I'm thinking about marriage" in no time.

Actually, it's good for some people to just NOT think about marriage, because doing so just disrupts their flow and raises their anxiety. At the 1.5 year mark or 2-year mark, then it's time to have that discussion.

 

This stuck out to me. I agree giving it time and discussing it more as the relationship progresses is a great idea. No need to rush into such an important decision. But do you really think people can change their tune about marriage that quick? Especially DIVORCED people?

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well no, I wouldn't assume people will change their mind. But in a little after a year, I think for many people, the question becomes important--to answer for themselves. If after a year, she's still not even "thinking" about it, they would benefit from having the talk. And my comment was based on someone not bringing up marriage. To be actively hostile towards it, no I definitely wouldn't assume the person's mind will quickly change.

But frankly, it's OK if the OP had challenged gf earlier ... lots of people at 6 months really feel connected to their partner and they abstractly and hypothetically talk about marriage. So OP definitely needs to come to terms with the gap between what he's feeling and thinking and what his gf is feeling and thinking.