How to move on

[Saa2]

I am currently in lockdown where I live, and my fiancee of 4 years has broken up with me on the 29th. It's over issues that have been brewing over years and I neglected her, took her for granted. Even though I went through the motions of trying to persuade her I can change, she told me she has fallen out of love with me. That's enough for me to move on.

 

I have found a counsellor but the lockdown makes her very busy, I have reached out to friends but all they can do is say sorry etc. I live alone. She's back living with her family. In the end I do find some solace telling myself she is probably better off without me due to my issues, which I am working on correcting only because I don't want to be reminded of this again - being a dismissive attachment type.

 

I am going no contact and she has already picked up her stuff, but it's day 1 of NC. Day 3 post breakup. It's very raw. I'm 100% convinced that she believes she made the right decision, at least for now. I am not 100% convinced she has made the decision for good, and that's what I'm struggling with, hoping that after a few months, years, she would give me another chance. I cleaned up the place, and found myself daydreaming of her walking in my front door. I'm finding it very difficult to get her out of my mind.

Edited September 1, 2021 by Saa2

[Happy Lemming]

49 minutes ago, Saa2 said:

...took her for granted.

 

I never really cared what "reason" a woman gave me for dumping me.  Whatever she said is probably made up and she was saying it to make herself feel better about her decision or it was some crap her girlfriends told her to say.  Either way, my brain goes into "mute" directly after I hear, "I no longer want to see you" or whatever phrase she started with.  I've never asked why, I don't care and I don't want to hear it. Neither should you.

If I did hear "took her for granted" I always thought that was BS.  Day to day life has to come first, you have to go to work, pay the bills, fix the car, clean your home, do your laundry, do the yard work, etc.etc... then you are expected to entertain this woman and make her laugh like you are some sort of court jester.  No thank you. 

If she didn't see the value (in you) for being a guy that is independent, that took care of his own life and problems, she isn't worth the free time you were able to spend with her.

Sorry about the lock-down... I know that makes this even tougher to deal with.  Any idea when the authorities will lift your lock-down??

Stay "no contact" you have posters here on Loveshack that will help you make it through this time.  Just keep posting, but don't contact her, you'll be alright in the end.

[Saa2]

Well, she did warn me about it, several times.

 

Pulling away the curtain of pain, I'm realising in the end I kinda forced her to make a decision, and I knew she was going to break up, a part of me seems to have wanted her to go because of my own worries if I'm the right one for her at this time. I met her when I was 32 and she was 18. We are 36 and 22 now, I always felt guilty being a cradle robber yet she was so mature and our chemistry was very strong. I think as I stared down the barrel of my age at 36 nearing 40 I gave myself more reason to doubt our future.

 

I underestimated the effect the break up would be for me. However, I am also now starting to realise the part of me that did push her away to this point and why. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Saa2 said:

...and my fiancee of 4 years has broken up with me on the 29th.

 

Speaking of fiancee... I was engaged once in my life and we were living together.  One day, I went to work (like I always did), when I got home her stuff was cleared out.  There was a note on my bedroom pillow with the engagement ring in it.  The note was the same BS your girlfriend/fiancee told you, take her for granted, blah, blah, blah.  I threw away the note because I thought it was BS.

Fast forward about 6 months and I found out (through a friend of a friend) that she left me for some lawyer.  Yep, she went after a bigger wallet.  It had nothing to do with me or the way I treated her, she found someone that made more money than I did.

[Happy Lemming]

11 minutes ago, Saa2 said:

Well, she did warn me about it, several times.

Yea buddy, I have heard those words so many times... "You have to do this and you have to do that, blah, blah, blah or I'm leaving"

Last time a woman said that to me I took a post it note wrote the word "Door" on it and placed it on my front door.  When she asked why I just did that, I said "Apparently, you forgot where the front door is, I was just labeling it for you so you'll have no trouble finding it."

 

Edited September 1, 2021 by Happy Lemming
spelling

[Saa2]

Thank you for sharing, I do not know if that is the case with my ex.

Right now trying to focus on what I can do for myself to get back up and 100%. Cleaned up the place with music that I like that she never liked, but otherwise on my day off I sit and stare, think. Walk around. Think some more. Trying to switch my mind off enough to watch a movie or play video games but concentration is very limited.

[Happy Lemming]

10 minutes ago, Saa2 said:

Cleaned up the place with music that I like that she never liked, but otherwise on my day off I sit and stare, think.

Yes... I would also give my place a good spring cleaning, wash all of the bed linens (sheets, comforter, etc.), then I would head out to my local pub/bar  (just to be around other human beings).

I do understand you are on lock-down and can't do that.  I guess maybe try to do some projects around the house, maybe paint a room a different color or one wall a different color (accent wall).

Just try to keep your mind on something else do something that will make your body tired (so you can sleep).

 

[Saa2]

Yeah, washing the bed linens is a good idea. Reclaim the home I guess.

I slept 5 hours yesterday, which was better than before, where I slept 1 hr for 2 days. I'm getting better, the loneliness is getting to me. I reached out to my closest friends, others I feel awkward messaging them after so long telling them hey, I'm in lockdown and need someone to talk to because I just broke up with my fiancee.

[Happy Lemming]

Slowly, but surely your body is going to relax, accept the situation and allow you to sleep a normal schedule.

There are times I can't sleep.  I'll give myself 30-45 minutes of calm peaceful thoughts in an attempt to go back to sleep, if that doesn't work, I'll get up and do something around the house.  Update my files, work on next year's taxes, review my health insurance options for next year (if applicable), work on my personal budget and the list goes on and on.  I've got a box of old documents that need to be shredded.  All those little jobs you put on the back burner... you now have the time to do them.

Try to stay busy with constructive items, keep your mind and body as busy as possible.

And yes RECLAIM YOUR HOME!!

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Saa2 said:

Well, she did warn me about it, several times.

Then I'm afraid to say this is probably over for good. 

She tried. Maybe she was not the right woman for you, but eventually people give up and lost interest when they don't feel their partner is meeting them halfway. 

Be patient with yourself, OP. This break-up is very fresh so it will take time to process and accpet. But perhaps when you do, maybe you will realize that your distance with her was your indicator that you were not that happy anymore either. 

[basil67]

Given your age difference, there was always a high chance that she would outgrow the relationship and stretch her wings and experience all the things you got to do in your 20's.  Also, if your maturity at 32 matched her maturity at 18, she's probably outgrown you.   After all, we grow and change a lot more between 18 and 22 than we do by the time we're in our 30s.

Out of curiosity, when she mentioned problems in the past, did you think her complaints had merit?   Perhaps you not making changes the changes she needed reflects that she wanted you to be someone you weren't.  

[Saa2]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Slowly, but surely your body is going to relax, accept the situation and allow you to sleep a normal schedule.

There are times I can't sleep.  I'll give myself 30-45 minutes of calm peaceful thoughts in an attempt to go back to sleep, if that doesn't work, I'll get up and do something around the house.  Update my files, work on next year's taxes, review my health insurance options for next year (if applicable), work on my personal budget and the list goes on and on.  I've got a box of old documents that need to be shredded.  All those little jobs you put on the back burner... you now have the time to do them.

Try to stay busy with constructive items, keep your mind and body as busy as possible.

And yes RECLAIM YOUR HOME!!

 

Body is easy, mind not so much. Tasks are temporary. Sometimes, the mind drifts so much processing things that I forget what I'm doing.

 

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then I'm afraid to say this is probably over for good. 

She tried. Maybe she was not the right woman for you, but eventually people give up and lost interest when they don't feel their partner is meeting them halfway. 

Be patient with yourself, OP. This break-up is very fresh so it will take time to process and accpet. But perhaps when you do, maybe you will realize that your distance with her was your indicator that you were not that happy anymore either. 

 

Yes, and I don't blame her.

One week ago she asked me if I can work on my issues I told her that I can't change and she has to make a decision for her future. So I actually initiated this, ironically.

 

I grew more insecure about our future as I aged and her complaints, got tired of them as well. Maybe the stress of the lockdown and ever shifting workplace environments got to me as well hence I got tired of her complaints.

 

Except, those complaints were not solely for her benefit, but mine as well. Serious issues that I had to confront, childhood traumas, etc. I have since confronted them, and I'm fixing everything working on myself because I do not want any trait that reminds me of what has transpired. It's exhausting me now though.

 

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given your age difference, there was always a high chance that she would outgrow the relationship and stretch her wings and experience all the things you got to do in your 20's.  Also, if your maturity at 32 matched her maturity at 18, she's probably outgrown you.   After all, we grow and change a lot more between 18 and 22 than we do by the time we're in our 30s.

Out of curiosity, when she mentioned problems in the past, did you think her complaints had merit?   Perhaps you not making changes the changes she needed reflects that she wanted you to be someone you weren't.  

 

Her concerns were legitimate. And yes she probably has outgrown me. 

[Wiseman2]

First they nag. Then they leave.

Work on exploiting people and taking them for granted. And why you tend to do this.

Do not fix whatever her perticular beefs were, fix the character flaws.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry that you are hurting now & it must be doubly tough with lockdowns.  Cleaning is great.  It helps to rid the house of her.  Try rearranging the furniture to a different configuration to help get the visual of her out of the place. 

I agree with @basil67  If your maturity levels matched when she was 18 & you were 32, now by the time she is 22 & closer to a fully formed adult she has outgrown you.  This is what happens when adults date children.  The children grow up.  

This break up is raw & fresh.  Of course it's going to be on your mind.  You have to grieve the loss to get over it.  Tears are cathartic.  Do try to keep yourself active.  Cleaning is good. Do some sit ups or pushups.  Take a walk every day if that is allowed. 

Best wishes.   

[Saa2]

Day 4, I can't believe it's only been 22 hrs since I made this thread. Time is painfully slow.

Cycling through the stages of grief like a whirlwind.

[Mimi255]

I empathize a lot with your pain and also maybe understand the dynamics that might have led to your break-up. My ex partner was leaning on dismissive avoidant style side, while I am the person that needs a lot of communication and closeness and I am rather anxious. We faced the time when some difficult life decisions had to be made, and it killed the relationship not only because the decision was difficult, but also because communication failed - I needed to talk things over, while he was tired of this discussions and doubts and complaints. We couldn't meet in the middle. 

The comforting thing is that 1)you cannot blame yourself for your own attachment style, especially if you don't fully understand it 2) you can reprogram your style, which of course is very VERY hard work, but gives hope that things can be different, better. 

I found really helpful youtube channel called Personal Development School - Thais Gibson. This woman says a lot of powerful things about attachment styles and it really helped me to understand myself and my ex. I wish I had found it earlier, but well... Maybe it will be helpful for you. 

[Saa2]

6 hours ago, Mimi255 said:

I empathize a lot with your pain and also maybe understand the dynamics that might have led to your break-up. My ex partner was leaning on dismissive avoidant style side, while I am the person that needs a lot of communication and closeness and I am rather anxious. We faced the time when some difficult life decisions had to be made, and it killed the relationship not only because the decision was difficult, but also because communication failed - I needed to talk things over, while he was tired of this discussions and doubts and complaints. We couldn't meet in the middle. 

The comforting thing is that 1)you cannot blame yourself for your own attachment style, especially if you don't fully understand it 2) you can reprogram your style, which of course is very VERY hard work, but gives hope that things can be different, better. 

I found really helpful youtube channel called Personal Development School - Thais Gibson. This woman says a lot of powerful things about attachment styles and it really helped me to understand myself and my ex. I wish I had found it earlier, but well... Maybe it will be helpful for you. 

 

Yes, I'm studying attachment styles now. Helps to process everything as well I guess.

[Saa2]

I broke no contact, but in my case it has made me skip months of grief. I am reminded that we had this issue 2 years ago where I broke up with her. At 18 years of age she always had plenty of suitors. I managed to score a date at 31 amidst all of them. I was her first love and long term boyfriend/fiancee for 4 years. But she always had unrealistic expectations, and in the end the compromises she made were a facade, she was never truly happy with that.

She led me on with lots of love and promises but now her words was that she wants someone who can give her everything from beginning to end. I fell out of love with her that instant. Good luck with that.

I skipped my anti depressants and done with alcohol. I don't need them anymore, will stick with counselling to improve myself but to my own design. It's been a great four years and I will love the memory of her love, the love was real, but not the person. She's not for me. I am fortunate really, considering the circumstances.

And in the end, I'm quite happy now. Thank you guys for your support.