Would you divorce your spouse for lack of emotional support?

[livingalife2009]

I have been married for 20 years to a man with a high conflicting personality (narcissism) He is 29 years my senior and we have two young kids. 

Culture difference,  age difference and his very difficult personality make our marriage quite challenging. He is verbally abusive to me, our children and our neighbors. None of the neighbors like him. Every disagreement we have he shares with his sister. She makes him feels good by enabling his abusive behavior. He's condescending to her also but she let's him because he's her brother.

The second and the last time we visited his sister, she told me to my face that she was jealous of me for taking her brother away from her.

That was the last time she invited me to her house. The children and I have been excluded from my husband's family for almost my entire marriage and my kid's entire life. Every time my husband visited his sister (in a different state ) the kids begged him to either take them with him or he stayed home. They didn't know that his sister refused to invite them to her house. Every time she visited us I opened my heart and my home to her.  I treated her very kind, made her the best food I knew and even took a few day off work so I could be at home for her. She always always accepted my kindness. It was beyond my understanding when I found out she said she never respected me. 

If there's was a family event that prevented my husband from visiting her at the time she wanted him she would send me email to guilt trip me. 

3 months ago my husband's email was popping up on my kid's gadgets while they were playing minecraft. The kids read them and told me of what they knew. I was curious so I read them too...boy oh boy, I found out she had deep hatred of me. She called me all kinds of names and told my husband to divorce me, multiple times.

I was so disgusted and hurt to know that he and his sister said all kinds of lies about me. I confronted both of them. She cried because I dared to stand up to her and my husband comforted her and ignored me. He literally told her my feelings were crap and she was his priority.

I love my husband, I do not want to divorce him in his old age (77) but I do not feel good staying in a marriage where my husband doesn't accept me as the most important woman. He and our children are the most important people to me, more important than my parents and siblings. It also bothers me that I keep loving and giving to a man who is so toxic. I asked him if he felt any empathy for me for the way he and his sister treated me, the answer was 'NO' because he was afraid that I might turn his empathy against him. Sigh.

For 20 years I wondered why my husband was so controlling,  defensive and condescending. Why he called me names in front of the kids and why he needed validation and excessive admiration. I didnt get an answer until about 4 months ago when I stumbled upon an article about narcissism.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

[Alfano]

He's a lot older than you are. Since you don't want to divorce him, the alternative is to wait him out.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

. I love my husband, I do not want to divorce him in his old age (77) 

All you can do is find happiness with your children, family, friends, hobbies, interests, etc.

You could talk to an attorney about wills, estates, funds for senior care or assisted living facilities etc. Make sure he has the finances to care for himself.

You don't want a divorce,  so distance yourself mentally from this.

Get separate bedrooms. Talk about an open marriage, etc. 

 

[d0nnivain]

You asked if I would divorce for lack of emotional support.  I view that as sort of a begin neglect & no I would not divorce over that 

Then you describe your abusive marriage where it's unclear if your husband ever loved you or his children.  You bet your sweet bippy that I would be out the door soooo fast over that.  You put up with this for 20 years.  If you don't want to divorce over his age, then stay & continue to be miserable but 77 is not that old.  You could be in for another 20 years of this BS.  At the very least if you stay, you best set some new ground rules & stop putting up with him or his sister.  She'd be dead to me.  I literally would never speak to her again.   

[ShyViolet]

This is not lack of emotional support, it's so much more than that.  You need to ask yourself why you would still love and choose to stay with a person who behaves in such a toxic, abusive manner towards you.  It doesn't matter how old he is.  That doesn't mean you can't divorce him.  He could live another 20 years.  Are you really going to choose to continue living like this for up to another 20 years?

[vla1120]

So, not only does your husband's family exclude you, they also exclude your children? Nah. I'd be out of there and file for divorce so fast his head would spin. It would be one thing if your husband were nurturing and loving toward your children, but you said he is abusive to them, as well. I can give you dozens of reasons why you should leave and divorce him. Can you give me one good reason to stay?

[spiderowl]

Your husband does not appear to love you, though you say you love him.  If you stay with him, he will continue to be harsh and uncaring.  You are not obliged to continue with him if he cannot treat you with respect and kindness.

I am wondering if yours is his second family?  Does he have a first wife in the background?  Maybe his family are hostile towards you if they are attached to a first wife and her children?  I might be wrong but given the age gap, it is entirely possible that he has been married before.  It does not excuse his family treating you like crap.  It could mean that they are against you because they see you as a marriage wrecker.  Forgive me if this is incorrect; you don't mention if he has been married before.

It doesn't really matter if he is a narcissist or not.  He is clearly uncaring and emotionally unsupportive.  Is he supporting you and the children financially?  

I don't know what the laws are where you live but in most western countries couples can get divorced after a period of separation even if there is 'no fault'.  Are you asking whether he is committing a fault that would be accepted in a court, i.e. whether emotional support is legal grounds for divorce?

Marriages are supposed to be built on a foundation of love and fidelity.  Your husband's behaviour is not loving so he is failing as a husband.

 

[glows]

There's nothing for you to do except tolerate his behaviour if you are not willing to end your marriage and move on with your life. It doesn't matter what anyone else would do. 

Edited September 1, 2021 by glows

[June14]

Living life, 

Why why why are you doing this to yourself and your children? 
what advice would you give them if they were treated similarly by their spouse?
 

would you ask them to bear with narcissistic behaviour and suffer lifelong or would you want them to navigate to a happier solution for themselves? 

[Taramere]

On 9/1/2021 at 3:32 AM, livingalife2009 said:

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I find when I read titles of threads I've got the skeleton of a post ready before I've even read the post itself. It's a bad habit of mine that I'm trying to break.  When I read the title of your post I was ready to dive in with an "it depends - what if I'm looking for a codependent sort of relationship with my spouse that I'd be better off not having in the long run" type response.

Then I read your post, and I found it incongruous with the title.  I wouldn't necessarily divorce somebody for not giving me the emotional support I felt I needed.  I might first consider whether there were ways I could become more self sufficient in building myself up.  However, that's not the scenario we have here.  You're married to a guy who is verbally abusive to you.  That's not lack of emotional support, so much as it is subjecting you to toxic and abusive circumstances where you find yourself looking for emotional support from elsewhere.

I can't say I know for sure that I'd be arranging an appointment with a lawyer in your situation.  While it's common advice on LS, in reality it's a very big and scary step for people to take.  Not to say it isn't the right step, but we can be guilty on here of pressurising people to take big steps without necessarily appreciating just how terrifying those steps can be for people.

I think maybe at the moment I would focus on one thing.  Probably on that feeling of guilt you have whereby you worry about leaving your husband because of his age.  The reality is that there are a lot of people out there as old or older who are on their own and just having to deal with it.  Sure, marriage vows talk about "in sickness and in health" but alongside that are other vows to love and cherish that your husband quite clearly hasn't stuck to.  Assuming you made vows when you got married.  Even if you didn't make specific vows, I think when people get married there is an understanding that they will employ certain standards in the way they treat eachother.  Your husband's standard of treating you is low enough that I don't think anybody could be reasonably expected to tolerate it.  If guilt is the main thing that is keeping you tied to this man, then I think that sense of guilt is the thing to start working on right now.

[livingalife2009]

I appreciate all the thoughts that you guys in this community have given me to think about. A few more details about the dynamic of my relationship. 

My husband is an 11 year old child in a body of a grown up man. Our 12 year old daughter has a higher emotional intelligence than him. It is exhausting to be with him.

I never stop talking/begging/coaching and guiding him to show more empathy to the kids and to not expect them to be perfect. He complains a lot about them because he thinks they are rude and yet I have never seen him sitting down with any of our children to gently correct their behavior. Worse, he has no idea that the children do actually copy his words and actions.

I love my husband but that warm feelings that spouses have for each other went away the day I read the email where he confessed to his sister that she was his # 1 and my feelings are crap. He kept telling me he misspoke but his actions spoke louder than words.

I told him I wanted his sister out of our/his life because she was not supportive of our marriage and because she wanted him to divorce me many times. He chose his sister over me and the kids and he's still not expressing any empathy towards me for how he and his sister treated me because he is afraid that I might turn his empathy against him. I have been trying to understand this man for 20 years and failed.

I do want a divorce but here's why it's so hard:

He's old.

He trusted me 100% with the family business. 

He even put my name on a property he bought before he met me. ( financially I will be ok either way)

I deeply sympathize with him because the people who suppose to love him enable him instead.

Deep in my heart I feel that he chooses his sister over me because she is his narcissistic supply. I worry about his mental state of mind.

Having said all of the above I do  want to remove myself from the toxic people in my life. I'm meeting with a trust attorney to see how we can take care of college funds before we embark on a difficult journey towards freeing me from toxic people.

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, livingalife2009 said:

He's old.

He trusted me 100% with the family business. 

He even put my name on a property he bought before he met me. ( financially I will be ok either way)

I deeply sympathize with him because the people who suppose to love him enable him instead.

 

It sounds as though your financial affairs are in good shape and capable of more than catering to both your needs if you do divorce? An attorney can help you look at the financial situation and make proposals that will provide for your husband's future.  A lot of people of his age are at a point where they need to start thinking about (or are already in) assisted living. 

That you're divorced from somebody doesn't have to mean you abandon them completely.  Maybe further down the line you could help him identify suitable assisted living arrangements.  Of course it might well be that he decides to refuse any contact with/assistance from you out of spite - maybe egged on by some of his enablers who might well find themselves rewarded for their enabling ways by being saddled with an angry, bitter and very needy old man.  Unfortunate as that sort of scenario would be, it's not a scenario of your making.  

[livingalife2009]

On 9/1/2021 at 6:02 PM, spiderowl said:

Your husband does not appear to love you, though you say you love him.  If you stay with him, he will continue to be harsh and uncaring.  You are not obliged to continue with him if he cannot treat you with respect and kindness.

I am wondering if yours is his second family?  Does he have a first wife in the background?  Maybe his family are hostile towards you if they are attached to a first wife and her children?  I might be wrong but given the age gap, it is entirely possible that he has been married before.  It does not excuse his family treating you like crap.  It could mean that they are against you because they see you as a marriage wrecker.  Forgive me if this is incorrect; you don't mention if he has been married before.

It doesn't really matter if he is a narcissist or not.  He is clearly uncaring and emotionally unsupportive.  Is he supporting you and the children financially?  

I don't know what the laws are where you live but in most western countries couples can get divorced after a period of separation even if there is 'no fault'.  Are you asking whether he is committing a fault that would be accepted in a court, i.e. whether emotional support is legal grounds for divorce?

Marriages are supposed to be built on a foundation of love and fidelity.  Your husband's behaviour is not loving so he is failing as a husband.

 

Yes he is supporting us financially. I do trust 100% that he has no other wife or kids .