My partner put up a profile on a dating site. Again.

[HeatherAnders]

I’m 35(f) and my partner of 3 years is 42(m). We met on an online dating site for single people. Both of us had never been married, no children.

We hit it off instantly from the moment we met I can honestly say I have never had the attraction or sexual chemistry with anyone else before him. He is the most attractive man I’ve ever known and we have so many similar interests, goals and personality. We just clicked.  He was my best friend, the best sex of my life. and he said that I was his as well. We were in love. We agreed to be monogamous.

The trouble began nine months into our relationship when a friend of mine got divorced and signed up for a dating site. She saw his profile on the dating site and he actually contacted her to initiate a conversation. He did not know that she and I are friends.

She immediately told me, sent screenshots of his profile, and of course I was devastated. He had told her that he wasn’t seeing anyone and that his last relationship ended 3 months prior. A total lie as we were seeing each other almost every day for 9 months and saying I love you and to me this was a real and serious relationship.

I confronted him and we had a huge argument. He told me that signed up for the site because he was “scared at how intense his feelings were for me.” He apologized profusely and said he messed up and didn’t want to lose me.

I love him so much that I forgave him and gave him another chance. But always in the back of my mind there was this little nagging  doubt that he wasn’t going to be faithful to me.

He had told me that in prior relationships he had to cheated, going to Las Vegas and meeting girls while he was seeing someone else seriously. He even signed up on a adult kink site in order to have a threesome with another couple. This was all before he met me. I was uncomfortable with this information but also he was so forthcoming and truthful about it. He could have lied and not told me and I never would have known. 

About 6 months ago we got into another argument as I felt like he was not putting effort into the relationship and taking me for granted. We took a “break” for about 3 weeks and didn’t talk. He signed up for the dating site again the day after our break. That was so hurtful to me because I was heartbroken and the thought of dating so soon was was not even on my mind. 

After 3 weeks of no contact he reached out and we started talking again. We decided to give it another try and I told him again how hurtful it was that he’s on these dating sites. He said he just did it to make me mad and he wasn’t going to date anyone but he just chatted with a few people to distract himself from the pain of our breakup. 
 

So today... I got a feeling, he was acting distant the past few days..so I signed up for the site under a fake name and there he was again. I’m just devastated. Heartbroken. I texted him a few mean words I regret. But I was just so mad. (“I hate you. All you do is LIE”) and then blocked him everywhere. I know I can never trust him. I know he’s a liar and a cheater.
 

But I still love him, I still miss him, I still want him. Those feelings don’t just disappear.  I just can’t be on this emotional roller coaster anymore. I know in my head I need to let him go but my heart literally aches. I feel physical pain in my chest at the thought I will never see him again, hold him, share my life with him. I’ve never felt this low. I am usually a happy upbeat person but I don’t know if I can survive this. If anyone has any words of advice, please, I need them. I don’t know how I’m going to be strong and make it though the days or if I even want to

Thank you for listening. 

Edited September 2, 2021 by HeatherAnders

[glows]

That is how he copes with the loss of someone or the fear of commitment, rebounding or finding someone else (third parties outside a relationship) to talk with to ease the fear or pain. You know that now and you can decide whether that's something you find attractive in a partner. You seem to cope with loss or change differently and are more steady.

It is painful but you can also think of it in terms of coping mechanisms. You alone can decide whether this is unhealthy or not. You make that choice for yourself and dissociate from individuals whom you don't agree with especially on intimate terms. Take time to heal. You can make it through this.

Edited September 2, 2021 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

I am usually a happy upbeat person but I don’t know if I can survive this

You can survive this. You are holding on to who you want him to be, but who he actually is? Well, that's someone very different. 

Please, take this as a big life lesson: when someone shows you who they are, believe them - the first time. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

He had told me that in prior relationships he had to cheated, going to Las Vegas and meeting girls while he was seeing someone else seriously. He even signed up on a adult kink site in order to have a threesome with another couple. 

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending it. He's an untrustworthy creep.

Make sure you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Talk to trusted friends and family. You seem to have good friends.

You miss the idea of a relationship, not the strife and stress of being with someone this duplicitous.

[d0nnivain]

You are stronger than you know.   Make a list of the rotten things he's done & all the cheating.  Read it over when you feel weak.  

Lean on your GFs & know you will get through this.  

[FMW]

Yes, you can certainly survive this. It will take some time and you'll have some difficult days, but just move forward.

Don't have any further communication with him.  Still loving him doesn't mean he has to be part of your life.  Don't waste any more time on him.

[notbroken]

I'm sorry.  The good news is you know he is a liar and cheater and can't be trusted.  You actually 'dodged a bullet'.   He is the kind of guy that will cheat no matter what.  As bad as it hurts, you are way better off without him.   Not all men are like that.   Mourn for a while, treat yourself well,  and know you will find someone that is honest and values you.   Best wishes. 

[Pumpernickel]

13 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

He told me that signed up for the site because he was “scared at how intense his feelings were for me.”

That’s creative……

I am sorry this happened. You don’t deserve this, and honestly - I don’t understand his approach. This is the third (?) time he got “caught”? If he wants to date other women or just a fling or a sexual encounter on the side, why would he use the same method over and over again, when he has to assume that you are already suspicious, due to past events….. weird. Is he not the sharpest tool in the shed, or does he want to get caught? 

[HeatherAnders]

27 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

That’s creative……

I am sorry this happened. You don’t deserve this, and honestly - I don’t understand his approach. This is the third (?) time he got “caught”? If he wants to date other women or just a fling or a sexual encounter on the side, why would he use the same method over and over again, when he has to assume that you are already suspicious, due to past events….. weird. Is he not the sharpest tool in the shed, or does he want to get caught? 

The last 2 times he did it he said it was because he was angry with me for breaking up with him, and wanted to “spite me.”

The most recent time, when I got suspicious he was at it again and looked yesterday, he denied having a profile and said he “deactivated “ it after we got together the last time. Note, he deactivated it, not deleted it. So essentially he hid it in case he wanted to bring it out again to look around. He swears up and down he has not been on the site since we last got back together and it must be a “glitch” in the system. Yeah, ok SMH 🙄

[Pumpernickel]

5 minutes ago, HeatherAnders said:

glitch” in the system

Maybe it is, I don’t know. I don’t know much about OLD sites. Do you believe him? I guess it’s up to you to decide if you can forgive and trust again, but I don’t know ….. I feel like his past escapades have already tarnished the relationship and the fact that you had a gut feeling and checked up on him means that you’re probably not over this. I would find it exhausting to deal with that nagging feeling every few months, and the urge to quickly check his online presence every so often. No thanks. 

 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

He swears up and down he has not been on the site since we last got back together and it must be a “glitch” in the system. Yeah, ok SMH 🙄

But I still love him, I still miss him, I still want him. Those feelings don’t just disappear.  I just can’t be on this emotional roller coaster anymore. I know in my head I need to let him go but my heart literally aches. I feel physical pain in my chest at the thought I will never see him again

I don't use online dating sites, but this sounds unlikely to me. However, some sites make it difficult to actually fully delete a profile, so possibly that is what happened. If you don't feel like you can really trust him, well - that is that and in a way says more than the existence or not of an online profile would. "Fool me once..."

Your breakup limerence will fade, it will just take a while longer than you'd like. It can be tough going, but it does fade eventually. Think of past lovers from many years ago, probably at one time those breakups hurt too. But you're fine about them now. This will be like that too in time.

[lana-banana]

2 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

The last 2 times he did it he said it was because he was angry with me for breaking up with him, and wanted to “spite me.”

Unbelievable. I would not accept this from a 22-year-old, much less a 42-year-old. 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

If anyone has any words of advice, please, I need them.

You made a good decision. 

The first time he cheats, that’s on him. 
The second, third, and forth time you catch him and take him back - that’s on you. 

Just think, the pain you are feeling now is nothing compared to the pain you will feel in the coming months and years when this happens again, and again…

19 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

We hit it off instantly from the moment we met I can honestly say I have never had the attraction or sexual chemistry with anyone else before him. He is the most attractive man I’ve ever known and we have so many similar interests, goals and personality. We just clicked.  He was my best friend, the best sex of my life. and he said that I was his as well.

Unfortunately, it’s not enough for him. He feels that he has the right to go searching for other women… and for that reason, he’s not your best friend and he’s not a good relationship partner. All those things you felt when you met him, well he’s saying the same to other women who believe the same thing you did…

Best to get yourself tested for STDs and find some distractions. Life goes on… your heart will heal faster than you may think if you give it a chance…

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

The last 2 times he did it he said it was because he was angry with me for breaking up with him, and wanted to “spite me.”

This is just not acceptable behavior for any adult. Be glad he is in your rear view mirror. 

Edited September 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm sorry you're in pain. Maybe one of the best things I can tell you is, truly, you miss and love the guy who you thought he was, but not who he really is... he really is a habitual cheater, a player, someone who never ever can be faithful to you nor probably anyone else. 

For him to become a good partner, he'd have to first sincerely take ownership for his duplicity. A guy who jumps on a dating website while in a "committed" relationship, or immediately after exiting one, is a guy who is incapable of committing to anyone whomever. 

You'll be dodging a bullet to drop him once and for all. He can't nor won't be able to give you what you need. 

On a personal note, 15 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy like this for about a year. I cornered him similarly to what you did. Actually your story has quite a few parallels to mine. I had a hard time letting go of him. He really hurt me with so much deceit. One year after the break up, we were still talking and he was basically stringing me along, so I told him I still loved him and wanted to talk with him. He said he'd call me that evening after work. He never did. We never spoke again. After another year, I searched him online, and saw he married someone (with my same name). Finding that brought me some closure. Another year passed, I dreamed about him, searched him online, saw he was back to his usual ways of cheating online behind his partner's back. He was cheating on his wife within the first year of their marriage! That gave me all the closure I needed. The dude wasn't even good looking!

It took me years more before I would get involved with someone else. A few years ago, I was looking people up from the past on Facebook. On his profile, I saw his wife praising him for being a great dad and husband. Apparently, she never knew he stepped out on her. Also, (God forgive me for saying it) his kids were so ugly! Like some of the ugliest children I've ever seen. His wife is quite pretty so they got their ugly genes from him. Like, I could've also had ugly kids with this cheating creep.

In hindsight, I totally dodged a bullet! You will too. Just try to not let it affect you for as long as it did me. Right now, reflect on the red flags you overlooked with this guy and work on yourself to pick a better partner in the future. 

You're going to be alright once you choose to totally let this go and grieve it. 

Edited September 3, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typos

[spiderowl]

21 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

He had told me that in prior relationships he had to cheated, going to Las Vegas and meeting girls while he was seeing someone else seriously. He even signed up on a adult kink site in order to have a threesome with another couple. This was all before he met me. I was uncomfortable with this information but also he was so forthcoming and truthful about it. He could have lied and not told me and I never would have known. 

I am so sorry, HeatherAnders.  You have done the right thing but I know it hurts.  You have put everything into this relationship and truly love him but he told you who he was (above).  This guy cannot be trusted and you will never be able to trust him.  He is a lying cheater.  He also has kinks which may mean if he cannot indulge in them with you he will seek them elsewhere.  You are wasting your time if you are hoping for a normal trusting relationship with this guy.

I know you can't turn the feelings off instantly.  It is a process, a gradual fading, and it hurts like hell at first.  Remind yourself that this guy is irredeemable.  He is not the person you think he is, no matter how much you feel you love him.  Your feelings of love, while totally genuine, do not mean HE is genuine or trustworthy - sadly.

Please do not get back together with him if he comes looking for you.  You will only end up in the same place later on down the line and may miss out on a great guy who won't do this to you.

I am really sorry you are going through this.  Maybe ask yourself why you were too forgiving and why you ignored the red flags about his prior relationships.  Hopefully then you won't make the same mistakes.

Edited September 3, 2021 by spiderowl

[Noproblem]

D

U

M

P

H

i

M

 

Or rather just pretend he doesn't exist anymore.. Delete him from everywhere and block him for good!

Edited September 3, 2021 by Noproblem

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, HeatherAnders said:

The last 2 times he did it he said it was because he was angry with me for breaking up with him, and wanted to “spite me.” 🙄

Of course. Jerks like this blame everyone else.

Your life will be much better without someone with such low integrity in it.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 9/1/2021 at 10:49 PM, HeatherAnders said:

I’m 35(f) and my partner of 3 years is 42(m). We met on an online dating site for single people. Both of us had never been married, no children.

We hit it off instantly from the moment we met I can honestly say I have never had the attraction or sexual chemistry with anyone else before him. He is the most attractive man I’ve ever known and we have so many similar interests, goals and personality. We just clicked.  He was my best friend, the best sex of my life. and he said that I was his as well. We were in love. We agreed to be monogamous.

The trouble began nine months into our relationship when a friend of mine got divorced and signed up for a dating site. She saw his profile on the dating site and he actually contacted her to initiate a conversation. He did not know that she and I are friends.

She immediately told me, sent screenshots of his profile, and of course I was devastated. He had told her that he wasn’t seeing anyone and that his last relationship ended 3 months prior. A total lie as we were seeing each other almost every day for 9 months and saying I love you and to me this was a real and serious relationship.

I confronted him and we had a huge argument. He told me that signed up for the site because he was “scared at how intense his feelings were for me.” He apologized profusely and said he messed up and didn’t want to lose me.

I love him so much that I forgave him and gave him another chance. But always in the back of my mind there was this little nagging  doubt that he wasn’t going to be faithful to me.

He had told me that in prior relationships he had to cheated, going to Las Vegas and meeting girls while he was seeing someone else seriously. He even signed up on a adult kink site in order to have a threesome with another couple. This was all before he met me. I was uncomfortable with this information but also he was so forthcoming and truthful about it. He could have lied and not told me and I never would have known. 

About 6 months ago we got into another argument as I felt like he was not putting effort into the relationship and taking me for granted. We took a “break” for about 3 weeks and didn’t talk. He signed up for the dating site again the day after our break. That was so hurtful to me because I was heartbroken and the thought of dating so soon was was not even on my mind. 

After 3 weeks of no contact he reached out and we started talking again. We decided to give it another try and I told him again how hurtful it was that he’s on these dating sites. He said he just did it to make me mad and he wasn’t going to date anyone but he just chatted with a few people to distract himself from the pain of our breakup. 
 

So today... I got a feeling, he was acting distant the past few days..so I signed up for the site under a fake name and there he was again. I’m just devastated. Heartbroken. I texted him a few mean words I regret. But I was just so mad. (“I hate you. All you do is LIE”) and then blocked him everywhere. I know I can never trust him. I know he’s a liar and a cheater.
 

But I still love him, I still miss him, I still want him. Those feelings don’t just disappear.  I just can’t be on this emotional roller coaster anymore. I know in my head I need to let him go but my heart literally aches. I feel physical pain in my chest at the thought I will never see him again, hold him, share my life with him. I’ve never felt this low. I am usually a happy upbeat person but I don’t know if I can survive this. If anyone has any words of advice, please, I need them. I don’t know how I’m going to be strong and make it though the days or if I even want to

Thank you for listening. 

Think about the potential STDs he has exposed you to, and would expose you to in the future, by cheating. That should be a turn off.

[HeatherAnders]

Thank you everyone for your replies and support. I asked him about the account profile and he said that he had deactivated it long ago. As proof he sent me a screenshot of the deactivation email but he cropped out the date.

I asked him to show me the entire email with the date on it because I know it was very recently and not when he said he deactivated it. He refused, he said that I was “auditing” him, “persecuting “ him and that if he gave me that information then I would only ask for more proof from him and that he wasn’t going to live his life having to prove everything to me.

I told him I’ve never asked him for any proof of anything before. I haven’t. This entire dating profile on and off situation has caused distrust  and all I wanted to see was this one thing, that he deactivated long ago, and I wouldn’t ask for anymore. He refused. I told him this is the end of our relationship.

I am very sad, crushed actually, but I know it’s for the best. He continues to text me like nothing happened and wants to get together to talk about it. I’m trying to stay strong. I’m going to block him everywhere. It will be very hard. I need a partner who makes me feel secure and who can love me the way I need to be loved. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HeatherAnders said:

My partner put up a profile on a dating site. Again.

Excellent you ended things.

Make sure you delete and block him from all your social media, messaging apps and device contact lists.

The "again" part was hardest to understand.

[glows]

1 hour ago, HeatherAnders said:

Thank you everyone for your replies and support. I asked him about the account profile and he said that he had deactivated it long ago. As proof he sent me a screenshot of the deactivation email but he cropped out the date.

I asked him to show me the entire email with the date on it because I know it was very recently and not when he said he deactivated it. He refused, he said that I was “auditing” him, “persecuting “ him and that if he gave me that information then I would only ask for more proof from him and that he wasn’t going to live his life having to prove everything to me.

I told him I’ve never asked him for any proof of anything before. I haven’t. This entire dating profile on and off situation has caused distrust  and all I wanted to see was this one thing, that he deactivated long ago, and I wouldn’t ask for anymore. He refused. I told him this is the end of our relationship.

I am very sad, crushed actually, but I know it’s for the best. He continues to text me like nothing happened and wants to get together to talk about it. I’m trying to stay strong. I’m going to block him everywhere. It will be very hard. I need a partner who makes me feel secure and who can love me the way I need to be loved. 

Ignore the texts or messages. Block if you feel it’s necessary. It’s no surprise he has no idea how to respect that it’s over when he couldn’t respect the relationship or you to begin with. That’s who he is. Stay strong.