Would dating a hot/popular guy increase my social status?

[afj_27]

Hello, 

I understand that the title may sound like something a teenager would write, but I'm in my late 20s F, UK. I've never been popular or well liked and have been mostly overlooked in my life, even though I've been told I'm very attractive (just not by the men I like). I've never been well liked and was always mocked behind my back, despite me being nothing but friendly and welcoming. I feel pathetic. I've always had this idea that dating a very attractive and/or popular guy might increase my social status and attractiveness, and will shield me from arseholes and get me more respect. I see it as like having a weapon on your arm, much like men who get loads of respect when they bag a gorgeous woman. There is a guy I've fancied from afar for a while, and he's very handsome, popular, a musician as well as a really nice guy, and I wonder if life would be different if I could get with him. Am I right in thinking that or am I being silly? I'd also love to hear of people (men and women) who have dated someone like that- did anything change when you were dating them? Did people treat you better? Did it go well?

Thanks 

J 

Edited September 3, 2021 by afj_27

[glows]

He can be ugly on the inside and beautiful on the outside. How he treats you should be your main priority and whether he’s a good person. 

People want to feel like their partner sees all of them and not just the superficial aspects like social status. A more down to earth person might think you’re focused on things that aren’t important and dump you anyway so I’d shift that thinking.

Why do you feel you’re not good enough as you are? What’s so low or bad about your social status? Do you have examples of being mocked or feeling mocked behind your back? 

[d0nnivain]

It will increase your popularity in an academic setting but not in real life.  In fact if you are with the life of the party & he's busy glad handing everybody you may feel more invisible.  Anybody who does try to get close to you just because of who you are dating should be viewed suspiciously as they will have questionable motives for befriending you, not based on them wanting to know you, per se.  

[Cookiesandough]

Xxxxxx

Edited September 3, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, afj_27 said:

get me more respect. I see it as like having a weapon on your arm

You are not going to get respect by using people.

[mark clemson]

It will probably increase your status, but once you're a fully independent adult people tend to care less about these things. You're with who you're with and eventually people tend to "mind their own business more" and focus on their lives, jobs, raising kids, etc. For example, I really DON'T care e.g if my neighbor's wife is ugly - that's his business, not mine. Giving him a hard time about it (were I to do so) makes ME petty, but really says little about the quality of the life and mate he has chosen. So a short lived boost in the scheme of things.

Marry that man and you would have a handsome husband. Nice to have, but keep in mind there will likely always be women willing to "tempt" him. You may indeed have a social "weapon" of sorts but that weapon is also a "target" in some ways. Nothing's perfect - you have to take the rough with the smooth in life.

Edited September 3, 2021 by mark clemson

[flitzanu]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It will increase your popularity in an academic setting but not in real life.  In fact if you are with the life of the party & he's busy glad handing everybody you may feel more invisible.  Anybody who does try to get close to you just because of who you are dating should be viewed suspiciously as they will have questionable motives for befriending you, not based on them wanting to know you, per se.  

^^^ this.  

i can't tell you how many arguments i've had to deal with or suspicions, accusations, etc., because the girl i was dating couldn't handle me being the center of attention in public.

if you try to date a high profile guy, there's a good chance you'll literally just feel like arm candy, and won't help your esteem.

...now on a related note, since this is on your mind, it could be that dating a "hot popular guy" might give you a confidence boost, and in turn...make you feel more popular and outgoing and give you more inner strength to step out behind his shadow.  but dating a hot guy just hoping this is what happens is a poor plan.

[Taramere]

4 hours ago, afj_27 said:

Hello, 

I understand that the title may sound like something a teenager would write, but I'm in my late 20s F, UK. I've never been popular or well liked and have been mostly overlooked in my life, even though I've been told I'm very attractive (just not by the men I like). I've never been well liked and was always mocked behind my back, despite me being nothing but friendly and welcoming. I feel pathetic. I've always had this idea that dating a very attractive and/or popular guy might increase my social status and attractiveness, and will shield me from arseholes and get me more respect. I see it as like having a weapon on your arm, much like men who get loads of respect when they bag a gorgeous woman. There is a guy I've fancied from afar for a while, and he's very handsome, popular, a musician as well as a really nice guy, and I wonder if life would be different if I could get with him. Am I right in thinking that or am I being silly? I'd also love to hear of people (men and women) who have dated someone like that- did anything change when you were dating them? Did people treat you better? Did it go well?

Thanks 

J 

I think you'd find some women being friendly to you in that "I'm not a threat, I'm not after your man" way that women can sometimes adopt towards another woman who's with  an attractive man, but as others have said you would also experience the sharp edge of other women's competitive instincts....which may involve them acting as though you're entirely invisible/irrelevant while they try to steer his attention away from you and onto them...or even quite blatantly putting you down.  I'm doubtful that those scenarios (which, you'd likely encounter a fair share of) would help your sense of self esteem.  People aren't going to give you respect simply because you're suddenly in the game, if you're being shoved aside by more aggressive, competitive rivals.  If you get in that game of dating a desirable man, you'd better not be shy about facing down some fierce competition...because the man himself probably isn't going to be focused on helping you build your self esteem by fending them off.  If he's at that level of being a handsome, popular and successful musician, he'll expect you to be able to deal with the dramas and rivalries that come with being The Girlfriend.

[Lotsgoingon]

The answer is no. If ... a big "if" ... if there is a possibility of you being helped by dating a high-status man, that would only be the start of a process. In fact, dating a high-status guy is more likely to trigger your anxieties and your doubts. 

OMG, why is he with me. OMG, look at all the pretty girls who bat their eyes at him. OMG, is he really happy to be with me? Why? Why wouldn't he want to date those other women? This is the much more likely outcome. 

Here's your problem here: I've never been popular or well liked and have been mostly overlooked in my life, even though I've been told I'm very attractive (just not by the men I like). I've never been well liked and was always mocked behind my back, despite me being nothing but friendly and welcoming.

You are undoubtedly thinking you are the innocent victim of this randomly cruel world. Well, none of us is that innocent. Some of us are unfortunately socially awkward and yes, it's a cruel tendency of human beings to pick on the most vulnerable people. If you're in that category, the answer is to stop caring about fitting in with everyone and to zero in on some close, meaning relationships. You need to more from focusing on superficial admiration among the man to deep and real respect and love and appreciation among a few. 

One thing you also have to decide is how you look. "I've been told"... No! It's time for you to step up and act like you know you're good looking. The first thing a high-status guy will notice is your insecurity about your appearance. First thing. And he will not sympathetic. He'll tell you once or twice that you look great and if you keep falling into doubt (which you will if you don't work on yourself) he will get so annoyed. For one, he'll see it as an insult. High-status guys want to date women worthy of their status. A woman who has to say "I've been told I'm attractive" is not the kind of confidence a high-status guy is looking for. 

You also need friends. Friends helps us feel good about how we look and who we are and our overall attractiveness. I can tell from your writing that you don't have many friends and by man, I mean just a handful of close people you can talk about your life in depth, with honesty.  I can tell because you're so focused on what the so-called crowd thinks and what the crowd might be saying behind your back. 

Develop some meaningful friendships first--with people you really respect. From there you can build on expanding to more friends, from there you can build on improving your esteem. From there you can learn to take the "don't give an EFF" stance about what others might think about you. And then you can start to get out in the world to date to find someone you like, not to prove anything to anyone. 

 

[basil67]

There's a name for what you're thinking of: Hypergamy.   Does it work?   It would certainly open doors to lifestyles and events to which one has never been invited, but by the same token, I would imagine that to be really included, one would also have to be able to be socially on par with those people who attend. 

[MeadowFlower]

There is zero worth to a guy or anyone being physically attractive. 

I understand that it is natural to want to be liked and perhaps popular, but popularity and the opinion of random people or associations is way overrated. It really is of little importance what they think or how they veiw you in their tiny finite minds. The people that matter and to an extent, their opinions, are the ones that are close to you.