Cheating with coworker, want to stop, feels like an addiction

[Distraught1]

Hello,

I'm wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation? I am cheating with a coworker. It's quite complicated because I've known him for 15 years. We live in different states and rarely see each other.  Most of the affair is digital (email/zoom) however we have been intimate on two separate occasions. We were platonic friends for 4 years. He got divorced and then ended our friendship when he got remarried. We didn't speak for about 8 years. Then we ended up reconnecting over business and he admitted that he missed me and fantasized about me constantly. He also confided that his wife had an affair for 3 years and was devastated. I confronted him on his feelings for me and was this retaliation against his wife and he said that it was not but that he felt he could now act on his feelings for me because of her infidelity. We texted everyday and had sex at a work meeting. It was magical. We also met in a city that I had to go to for work and had sex there too.

For me, when we reconnected I had been struggling with my marriage and my feelings for my husband for a long while. We never had sex and he never seemed to want it. The only time we would have sex is if I initiated and then he could never finish. We were buddies and there is very little affection. When he came back into my life it was the perfect storm (or imperfect). We both said that our affair would only be friends with benefits but emotionally it has become more. I know that this could end very badly because we live in different states and both have children. Also our careers can be effected. I know this it's all around BAD but the constant emailing and pictures and words of love and admiration...so difficult to walk away from when you don't receive this in your own marriage. I don't want to want this. I want to be strong enough to end it for the sake of both of our families. I don't know how. He knows everything about me and we are so connected but I know morally it's so wrong. Sometimes all I can think of is him and the sex and the connection. I'm trying to seek therapy but it's so hard to find someone good with the pandemic and insurance qualifications. Any advice other than quit cold turkey? Thank you!     

[denwickdroylsden]

I was in a similar situation for nearly 3 years.  Maybe you could think about, rather than the morality of your actions, the real world impact of getting caught.  With me, no children were involved on either side.  And our careers and jobs were not connected in any way.  Even so, the discovery devastated my W.  I abruptly NC'd my AP which caused her severe trauma also.  It took years and years of working on myself to understand why I went down such a dark road and betrayed a woman who so unconditionally loved and supported me.  I'm still working on that.  So, if you can, try to picture how getting caught would play out and the effect it would have on those you love.  And then, please stop.  All best.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

Any advice other than quit cold turkey?

You're going to be hard-pressed to find advice that works other than going cold turkey. 

It seems that anyone who tries to gradually wean themselves off or tries to be "friends" with their AP just get sucked back into it again. If your goal is to end this affair, you are probably going to be left with little viable choice but to cut him off. 

Perhaps take the advice of @denwickdroylsden and think about how much this would hurt your husband and children. It would blow up their whole world, and while you and your husband have your own issues, your kids deserve a mom who doesn't jeopardize their family unit the way you are doing. Sure, the attention feels good but will it be worth it when they're bawling their eyes out because Mom and Dad are splitting up? 

[Stevnx3]

As bad as this is, as, Expat mentioned: Cold Turkey. You need to go fully NC(no contact) as much as possible. Cause you sure are risking career and family. You won't beat a drug by constantly being near said drug. Temptations are too strong and you will fail time after time. Cold turkey.

Both Expat and Den are very correct. 

Continue to search for better therapy. 

[glows]

Do you have resentment built up against your husband for failing to be a husband in a loving marriage? I’d explore those feelings in your marriage. Each time your mind wanders to the AP refocus on your marriage and face those uncomfortable feelings within the marriage. 

You conditioned yourself to blocking how you feel and replacing the discomfort with something else new and exciting. Retrain back and face those fears, resentments. From there you have a better chance at seeing whether you should divorce your husband and start over or work on your marriage. 

You’ve already done damage either way, privately, to yourself. There’s no escaping that. Even if your husband might not know about the affair, you do. You’ll have to face that guilt too.

[BaileyB]

16 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I know this it's all around BAD but the constant emailing and pictures and words of love and admiration...

Are you emailing on work time and using the work server? 

In a discussion of consequences, how about the fact that you could both lose your employment if/when you are caught. That would be reason enough for me not to get involved…

IDK, I read this and I can’t help but think you are not the love of his life if he was single and married another woman. Then she cheats on him, he stays with her but comes looking for you… seems pretty clear to me what your purpose in his life is - and it’s not partner or soulmate. If it was, he would have chosen to actually be with you when he had the opportunity. 

Edited September 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Distraught1]

Not using a work server...just using our phones and an encrypted email app. Also, the thing is...I don't think he is the love of my life. I don't have expectations that he will leave his wife. In fact, I don't even want that. When he married we were only platonic friends. Our affair was emotional years before it was physical. I was actually very happy that he met and fell in love with his wife. I know this situation is not typical. The only expectation in this affair is being a loving and supporting person in the other person's life. He's an amazing, wonderful person but I don't want him to leave his family for me. The allure is that he knows me so well and cares for me deeply but not planning to run away together or anything. He was in my life before having my children and knows all about my marriage. I know it's peculiar but it's like best friends that share everything including our bodies. However, I know that it needs to stop but difficult because of the 15 year friendship. However, if I cut him out I only see him in person once or twice a year. We work remote and from different states. Because of this...nobody in our company will ever know. And our spouses will not either because our in-person interaction is rare.  

We were physical right before the pandemic (3/20) and didn't see each other again in person until 8/21. We have a plan to meet up again in October.

[Stevnx3]

19 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

Not using a work server...just using our phones and an encrypted email app. Also, the thing is...I don't think he is the love of my life. I don't have expectations that he will leave his wife. In fact, I don't even want that. When he married we were only platonic friends. Our affair was emotional years before it was physical. I was actually very happy that he met and fell in love with his wife. I know this situation is not typical. The only expectation in this affair is being a loving and supporting person in the other person's life. He's an amazing, wonderful person but I don't want him to leave his family for me. The allure is that he knows me so well and cares for me deeply but not planning to run away together or anything. He was in my life before having my children and knows all about my marriage. I know it's peculiar but it's like best friends that share everything including our bodies. However, I know that it needs to stop but difficult because of the 15 year friendship. However, if I cut him out I only see him in person once or twice a year. We work remote and from different states. Because of this...nobody in our company will ever know. And our spouses will not either because our in-person interaction is rare.  

We were physical right before the pandemic (3/20) and didn't see each other again in person until 8/21. We have a plan to meet up again in October.

Sounds like you got it figured out pretty well. I mean.. the process and all. 😮

Either case, best friend or no.. it must end for all parties involved. But it wouldn't be easy for anyone to walk away from so much history. Doesn't really sound like you want to.. but I get the conflict.

 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I don't think he is the love of my life. I don't have expectations that he will leave his wife.

Well then, why do you dally here. Seriously. 

You have a long distance pen pal with whom you have shared intimate details of your life… meets an emotional need for you both because you are in a marriage that you should leave and he’s had not one but two marriages go south… Normally, I would say end it because it’s not fair to either of your spouses but in reality, it doesn’t sound like either of your relationships are healthy and should end anyway. Which brings me back to you - how is this a healthy, long term solution for you? 

So what’s your end game? Seriously.

Edited September 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[Allupinnit]

Cold turkey is the only way.  People aren't like cigarettes where there are different ways/timelines to quit.  

Affairs are incredibly hard to quit which is why a lot cheaters have more than one Dday. 

Meeting up with someone during a work conference for sex isn't magical, it's cliche and very common.  What you're doing isn't special; you are in limerence.  Eros.  A break from your boring husband.

Of course it feels incredible.

 

[BlindsidedTwice]

23 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

He's an amazing, wonderful person

He’s not being amazing and wonderful while he’s cheating on his wife. 

I’m going to vote with most everyone else here - cold turkey / NC.  It is horribly challenging, but that’s kind of what makes it work... You become a stronger person, someone who would not allow this in her life again.

Please continue to pursue therapy. It requires some effort to find the right person, but it is worth it. 💯 

[Distraught1]

On 9/4/2021 at 5:03 PM, BaileyB said:

Well then, why do you dally here. Seriously. 

You have a long distance pen pal with whom you have shared intimate details of your life… meets an emotional need for you both because you are in a marriage that you should leave and he’s had not one but two marriages go south… Normally, I would say end it because it’s not fair to either of your spouses but in reality, it doesn’t sound like either of your relationships are healthy and should end anyway. Which brings me back to you - how is this a healthy, long term solution for you? 

So what’s your end game? Seriously.

All of the above is true. I know it's not healthy but it is meeting an emotional need that my husband doesn't fill for me. I also know it's not his fault...it's just that we have grown apart and although I've voiced my concerns to my husband nothing changes. it's like he doesn't hear me or is in denial that we could possibly have problems.  We have two teens and I don't want to destroy them with divorce (I know you will think...isn't that what you're doing anyway?). I guess I'm here to #1 admit my wrongs somewhere (I haven't told one person on the planet about this) #2 Recognize my thoughts and feelings on the matter by dissecting them here #3 Decide what my end game is. Is it divorce, trying to work through my marital problems or continue to get minimal needs met with my co-worker and possibly have it all fall apart in the process.  

 

[Distraught1]

8 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

He’s not being amazing and wonderful while he’s cheating on his wife. 

I’m going to vote with most everyone else here - cold turkey / NC.  It is horribly challenging, but that’s kind of what makes it work... You become a stronger person, someone who would not allow this in her life again.

Please continue to pursue therapy. It requires some effort to find the right person, but it is worth it. 💯 

You are correct and either am I. However humans are multifaceted. We are not all good or all bad. He is amazing in ways but I'm certainly not here to claim that cheating is anything to be proud of. I know that if I can find the strength to NC that I would feel stronger. I think that is why I am here and why I am trying to seek therapy because I want to be a better person than I am today. I didn't do anything like this throughout my marriage and look in the mirror and don't know who I am anymore. Maybe partially a mid-life crisis of sorts. Also, I think I love my husband but am not IN love with him. I can't imagine that if I was IN love with him that I could allow myself to get swept up in something like this. The other part of this affair is that I have know this other man for so long. So it's difficult to detach from it...not like a man I met for a few months or something. That would be a different situation and one that once I acknowledged it like this that it would be much easier to NC.    

[Distraught1]

On 9/4/2021 at 7:16 PM, Allupinnit said:

Cold turkey is the only way.  People aren't like cigarettes where there are different ways/timelines to quit.  

Affairs are incredibly hard to quit which is why a lot cheaters have more than one Dday. 

Meeting up with someone during a work conference for sex isn't magical, it's cliche and very common.  What you're doing isn't special; you are in limerence.  Eros.  A break from your boring husband.

Of course it feels incredible.

 

You are right...it is cliche. I have never done something like this and have been married for 17 years so it felt unbelievably magical. And definitely true about a break from my boring monotonous life.  Maybe I'm making too much of this and should just think of it as my last and final hurrah. If only I didn't care for this coworker or crave his attention. Of course I wish that my husband fulfilled me in this way.

It does feel incredible...until it doesn't. It's going to end one way or another and why not now before it gets more intense, etc. I think this is why I am here and seeking therapy...as a source of strength and a reality check. I don't want anyone to get hurt - not even his wife. 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

We have two teens and I don't want to destroy them with divorce

How exactly does divorce destroy teens? Is it possible to live separately and coparent in a way that doesn’t destroy your teens? 

Is your home a happy home now? What are your children learning about marriage from their parents? 

Edited September 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Distraught1]

On 9/4/2021 at 12:26 PM, Stevnx3 said:

Sounds like you got it figured out pretty well. I mean.. the process and all. 😮

Either case, best friend or no.. it must end for all parties involved. But it wouldn't be easy for anyone to walk away from so much history. Doesn't really sound like you want to.. but I get the conflict.

 

I know it must end...but I'm not sure I'm there yet. Thank you for acknowledging that the history makes this harder. And if I'm being honest, I don't want it to end but know that it must but I'm definitely struggling with it. I feel like I could do it but then I'd have a weak moment and go back.    

[Distraught1]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

How exactly does divorce destroy teens? Is it possible to live separately and coparent in a way that doesn’t divorce your teens? 

Is your home a happy home now? What are they learning about marriage from their parents? 

Actually, yes, we are very cordial and get a long as friends/buddies. We go out to dinner, laugh a lot, enjoy the same shows and music. We just don't connect as lovers. He sleeps in a separate bedroom. We are rarely intimate but I don't think kids care to know any of those details.  So back to your question...how does divorce destroy teens? They are just barely hanging on from last year and the last thing I want is to uproot thier lives. So that's mainly the reason to give them stability especially in these uncertain times. 

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I don't want anyone to get hurt - not even his wife. 

Sorry to be blunt, but it’s too late for that - you had sex with her husband.

8 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

Of course I wish that my husband fulfilled me in this way.

Neither your husband or this coworker could fulfill you in this way - happiness comes from within. And the same unhappiness that you feel in your marriage would eventually be felt in your relationship with your affair partner - once the elicit excitement has passed and you learn that he too doesn’t do the dishes unless or until you ask.  Affairs are primarily about fantasy, they are an escape, as you have acknowledged. They tend not to have the same “magical” quality when brought into the light of day, with life’s responsibilities and monotony, when angry spouses and children learn the truth and you become more aware of the pain that has been caused. 

20 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I want to be a better person than I am today.

This is important - do you want to be someone who lives with integrity and how do you get there again? Find the answer to this, and it has nothing to do with either your marriage or your affair partner, and your path will be revealed to you. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

34 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

You are correct and either am I. However humans are multifaceted. We are not all good or all bad. He is amazing in ways but I'm certainly not here to claim that cheating is anything to be proud of. I know that if I can find the strength to NC that I would feel stronger. I think that is why I am here and why I am trying to seek therapy because I want to be a better person than I am today. I didn't do anything like this throughout my marriage and look in the mirror and don't know who I am anymore. Maybe partially a mid-life crisis of sorts. Also, I think I love my husband but am not IN love with him. I can't imagine that if I was IN love with him that I could allow myself to get swept up in something like this. The other part of this affair is that I have know this other man for so long. So it's difficult to detach from it...not like a man I met for a few months or something. That would be a different situation and one that once I acknowledged it like this that it would be much easier to NC.    

No one is inherently bad, and I didn’t say that. I said he is not being amazing while he is cheating. 

As far as the long history, I get it. I’ve know my xMM/AP for 20 years. Therapy is helping me figure out allll the ways I let myself attach to him in the past two decades and how to finally start detaching. A therapist can also help you dive into your marital issues, to which I also relate.

Not sure if you meant to come across as defensive, but if there is a post/comment here that triggers you, I’d recommend trying to pinpoint what exactly feels upsetting about it. Often the comments that piss me off the most are the ones speaking to something deep inside me that I’m having trouble admitting to myself.

It sounds like you actually have a pretty good grasp on what’s going on and what you need to do. Good luck. This s*** is so hard... You’ve found a good community to support you. ❤️

Edited September 6, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Distraught1]

On 9/4/2021 at 8:59 AM, glows said:

Do you have resentment built up against your husband for failing to be a husband in a loving marriage? I’d explore those feelings in your marriage. Each time your mind wanders to the AP refocus on your marriage and face those uncomfortable feelings within the marriage. 

You conditioned yourself to blocking how you feel and replacing the discomfort with something else new and exciting. Retrain back and face those fears, resentments. From there you have a better chance at seeing whether you should divorce your husband and start over or work on your marriage. 

You’ve already done damage either way, privately, to yourself. There’s no escaping that. Even if your husband might not know about the affair, you do. You’ll have to face that guilt too.

I think that when I decided to pursue my feelings for my coworker I was feeling a great deal of resentment toward my husband. Now, because of my own guilt, I let many things slide. 

I have conditioned myself to block my negative feelings in my marriage and filled that space with what the AP offers. I'm sure this is reciprocal on the AP side too. We both fill empty spaces in each others lives albeit unhealthy.

I have done damage and I acknowledge this. I will have to face my guilt everyday but if I'm being honest...not sure I regret it. That's a terrible admission but it was thrilling, amazing and made me feel alive again. All cliche, I know, but true too.    

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

We just don't connect as lovers. He sleeps in a separate bedroom. We are rarely intimate but I don't think kids care to know any of those details. 

I think your teenagers are aware that their parents sleep in separate bedrooms. Teens are usually acutely aware of these type of things. 

I think there is a lot of mental gymnastics going on here - wonderful men don’t cheat on their wives, your children are likely very aware of the dynamic between their parents, and you can certainly live separately and coparent in a way that provides stability and minimizes the disruption in their lives…

 

Edited September 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Distraught1]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry to be blunt, but it’s too late for that - you had sex with her husband.

Neither your husband or this coworker could fulfill you in this way - happiness comes from within. And the same unhappiness that you feel in your marriage would eventually be felt in your relationship with your affair partner - once the elicit excitement has passed and you learn that he too doesn’t do the dishes unless or until you ask.  Affairs are primarily about fantasy, they are an escape, as you have acknowledged. They tend not to have the same “magical” quality when brought into the light of day, with life’s responsibilities and monotony, when angry spouses and children learn the truth and you become more aware of the pain that has been caused. 

This is important - do you want to be someone who lives with integrity and how do you get there again? Find the answer to this, and it has nothing to do with either your marriage or your affair partner, and your path will be revealed to you. 

I was someone that lived with a great deal of integrity for all but the past two years. I don't like the feeling of being a person that is sneaky and deceiving. But I think what the AP offered was intoxicating and took over the clarity in which I conducted my life. And, as stated before, also a break from the boring, rule following, monotony. I know that this person isn't a man that I would want to be married to so you are right. He's a bad boy type but we got along from the minute we met 15 years ago. With that being said we aren't a match but I adore him. So I suppose that is what's weird about this. I'm not planning a great escape. We often joke that we will meet up one day in the nursing home. 

I do want to go back to feeling like my old self but it is hard when you have felt passion again. I need to discover my own passion and happiness and I know this. I have to find the strength to cold turkey this man but is also hard because he is a dear friend. It feels different than most affairs might be, but perhaps I am wrong and it's completely stereotypical? 

Thank you for the advice.

[Stevnx3]

23 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I know it must end...but I'm not sure I'm there yet. Thank you for acknowledging that the history makes this harder. And if I'm being honest, I don't want it to end but know that it must but I'm definitely struggling with it. I feel like I could do it but then I'd have a weak moment and go back.    

Hm.

Two things are for certain: Either this ends or you end your current marriage. As I am positive that this will, over enough time... become known. Ultimately, you are clearly not as happy in your current marriage as with the AP. Given your history, this is a monumental task of breaking away. I'm truly shocked at how well developed this has become between you and this guy. And for how long. I've read lots of OW/OM content on here. But haven't seen any so.. well put to process.

Believe me.. I get it. What you have makes you obviously happy - so much so, that I can feel from reading your one post about it. That makes it so so much harder to break away.

Btw: There is no shame in a weak moment. Every single person has a weak moment, when struggling to get over things that bind them. 

Either way.. very tough choice ahead of you..

[Distraught1]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I think your teenagers are aware that their parents sleep in separate bedrooms. Teens are usually acutely aware of these type of things. 

I think there is a lot of mental gymnastics going on here - wonderful men don’t cheat on their wives, your children are likely very aware of the dynamic between their parents, and you can certainly live separately and coparent in a way that provides stability and minimizes the disruption in their lives…

 

The reason we sleep in separate rooms is because he snores like a freight train. We have slept separately for 17 years. I'm CERTAIN this has caused a large gap in our intimacy. I urged him to get something done over the years but than gave up.

I know that wonderful men don't cheat on thier wives but I also think he is in a similar life situation as I am.

I really think my kids think we are happy. I'm sure we could coparent but divorce is a big deal. Not as easy as you make it seem. I was a child of divorce and it sucked!

[BaileyB]

It’s pretty stereotypical. 

Married woman feeling unloved and unappreciated by her husband finds a married man and fills the gap in her relationship. The illicit nature of the relationship is exciting and the affection he shows her makes her feel desirable and loved - 

She comes on this board saying “I have never done anything like this before - I never thought I would ever do something like this…” But, now that I’ve found this wonderful man I can’t possibly let him go…

Here is the disconnect - “I don’t want to hurt his wife but I’m having sex with her husband…” “I stay in my marriage because I want to protect my children by providing a stable and loving home but I’m engaging in behaviour that if discovered, may cause my husband to file for divorce first and ask questions later…”

Sound familiar? Read these boards - you will see your story played out again and again…