Cheating with coworker, want to stop, feels like an addiction

[Stevnx3]

Your husband..

If he is unwilling to hear and listen to your concerns and does not provide you with enough emotional support. It may cause relapse. It does sound as if he is unwilling to do that. He too must change. It is not a one person changes and boom all is fixed and well.

As you will still harbor resentment at his lack of emotional support. That makes it far too easy to relapse, even with strong NC...

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I think that when I decided to pursue my feelings for my coworker I was feeling a great deal of resentment toward my husband. Now, because of my own guilt, I let many things slide. 

I have conditioned myself to block my negative feelings in my marriage and filled that space with what the AP offers. I'm sure this is reciprocal on the AP side too. We both fill empty spaces in each others lives albeit unhealthy.

I have done damage and I acknowledge this. I will have to face my guilt everyday but if I'm being honest...not sure I regret it. That's a terrible admission but it was thrilling, amazing and made me feel alive again. All cliche, I know, but true too.    

That resentment needs to be greeted and faced and handled gently by you. The pattern of blocking out the tough and painful parts of your marriage keeps continuing without facing those difficult emotions. I’d encourage you to face that resentment towards your husband. Fix the marriage if it’s fixable or move on (without this AP). 

[Distraught1]

On 9/4/2021 at 6:32 AM, denwickdroylsden said:

I was in a similar situation for nearly 3 years.  Maybe you could think about, rather than the morality of your actions, the real world impact of getting caught.  With me, no children were involved on either side.  And our careers and jobs were not connected in any way.  Even so, the discovery devastated my W.  I abruptly NC'd my AP which caused her severe trauma also.  It took years and years of working on myself to understand why I went down such a dark road and betrayed a woman who so unconditionally loved and supported me.  I'm still working on that.  So, if you can, try to picture how getting caught would play out and the effect it would have on those you love.  And then, please stop.  All best.

Thank you. I know that the same is a possibility in my situation. I think it will take years of working on myself to truly understand why I'm doing this too. I don't think the allure/intoxication is hard to understand but the acting on it and not being able to stop is hard for me to understand. I think about what would happen if we were caught constantly and then get pulled back in. Here is his most recent email:

I miss you. You are genuinely a stunningly beautiful woman. How I wish we were together. Your eyes see me.  

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

The reason we sleep in separate rooms is because he snores like a freight train. We have slept separately for 17 years. I'm CERTAIN this has caused a large gap in our intimacy. I urged him to get something done over the years but than gave up.

My partner and I often sleep in different rooms because he is a light sleeper and he has a difficult relationship with sleep. I tease that he is goldilocks - the bed is too hard, it’s too hot in this room, I’m snoring, it’s too light, his back is sore, etc… It frustrates me to no end, and it does sometimes affect the intimacy in the relationship. I have still never cheated on him. I never would, because I don’t want to hurt him this way. 

As glows says, you will need to find a way to deal with the resentment you feel toward your husband without escaping into a fantasy relationship. Your coping strategy of choice - while it feels wonderful - is not a healthy long term strategy. Somewhere along the way, you got to the place where you convinced yourself that you weren’t hurting him/it was ok to hurt him by turning away from the marriage toward another man. If the situation was reversed, how would you feel? 

Edited September 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Distraught1]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s pretty stereotypical. 

Married woman feeling unloved and unappreciated by her husband finds a married man and fills the gap in her relationship. The illicit nature of the relationship is exciting and the affection he shows her makes her feel desirable and loved - 

She comes on this board saying “I have never done anything like this before - I never thought I would ever do something like this…” But, now that I’ve found this wonderful man I can’t possibly let him go…

Here is the disconnect - “I don’t want to hurt his wife but I’m having sex with her husband…” “I stay in my marriage because I want to protect my children by providing a stable and loving home but I’m engaging in behaviour that if discovered, may cause my husband to file for divorce first and ask questions later…”

Sound familiar? Read these boards - you will see your story played out again and again…

Yeah, I don't want to end up as a joke or a person that let her life fall apart based on selfish needs. I'm trying to work on myself. All the affairs you mention are also men that are feeling unloved/unappreciated too. I show him excitement and make him feel desirable and loved. I would imagine that if it was all that easy he would end it with me. This is not a person that is getting regular sex and this is all this is about. We've had sex on two occasions over 19 months and connect every day and we have known each other for15 years. I'm not giving myself kudos for this just stating that not all affairs are the same. Are they all destructive...probably. I don't want destruction but one way or another it will be. So I have to look for the path of least destruction and some how pull myself there and make a decision.  

[BaileyB]

Have you ever been to talk with a counsellor? It may be really helpful, to explore the issues in your marriage and find a way forward that will support you and your family. 

I appreciate the fact that you are asking the hard questions. You are able to consider some hard truths but not quite ready to make any change… You are in the contemplative stage of change. 

Edited September 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Distraught1]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My partner and I often sleep in different rooms because he is a light sleeper and he has a difficult relationship with sleep. I tease that he is goldilocks - the bed is too hard, it’s too hot in this bed, I’m snoring, it’s too light in the room, his back is sore, etc… It frustrates me to no end, and it does sometimes affect the intimacy in the relationship. I have still never cheated on him. I never would, because I don’t want to hurt him this way. 

As glows says, you will need to find a way to deal with the resentment you feel toward your husband without escaping into a fantasy relationship. Somewhere along the way, you got to the place where you convinced yourself that you weren’t hurting him/it was ok to hurt him by turning away from the marriage toward another man. If the situation was reversed, how would you feel? 

I do need therapy and am open to it. I'm not sure if I got to a point that I convinced myself I wasn't hurting him...I think that the endorphins and intoxicating feelings took over and I wasn't thinking of anything other than myself. Big admission. Brutal honesty. 

I've thought about if the situation was reversed many times and of course this is one reason I am here. I know damage has been done. I'm hoping therapy can help me work through all of my feelings for the sake of my family and my future.

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Distraught1 said:

I do need therapy and am open to it. I'm not sure if I got to a point that I convinced myself I wasn't hurting him...I think that the endorphins and intoxicating feelings took over and I wasn't thinking of anything other than myself. Big admission. Brutal honesty. 

I've thought about if the situation was reversed many times and of course this is one reason I am here. I know damage has been done. I'm hoping therapy can help me work through all of my feelings for the sake of my family and my future.

I wish you well. Sincerely. 

[Distraught1]

23 minutes ago, Stevnx3 said:

Your husband..

If he is unwilling to hear and listen to your concerns and does not provide you with enough emotional support. It may cause relapse. It does sound as if he is unwilling to do that. He too must change. It is not a one person changes and boom all is fixed and well.

As you will still harbor resentment at his lack of emotional support. That makes it far too easy to relapse, even with strong NC...

I think this is key. I didn't cheat for 16 years of marriage. I have had multiple opportunities if I wanted to cheat for sex or whatever. This was different. This is an emotionally driven affair. The AP provides me with support, encouragement, compliments, listens admiration and unbelievable compassionate connected sex. I provide the same to him. This will make relapse a possibility and I can look it straight on and know this before even breaking it off with AP. Divorce may be my only real option...but not for the AP. 

[Distraught1]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I wish you well. Sincerely. 

Thank you BaileyB. I really appreciate that. 

[S2B]

6 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

All of the above is true. I know it's not healthy but it is meeting an emotional need that my husband doesn't fill for me. I also know it's not his fault...it's just that we have grown apart and although I've voiced my concerns to my husband nothing changes. it's like he doesn't hear me or is in denial that we could possibly have problems.  We have two teens and I don't want to destroy them with divorce (I know you will think...isn't that what you're doing anyway?). I guess I'm here to #1 admit my wrongs somewhere (I haven't told one person on the planet about this) #2 Recognize my thoughts and feelings on the matter by dissecting them here #3 Decide what my end game is. Is it divorce, trying to work through my marital problems or continue to get minimal needs met with my co-worker and possibly have it all fall apart in the process.  

 

Why don’t you divorce your husband if you’re that unhappy?

the way you’re participating in your marriage has got to be harming it.

you can only be responsible for the way you participate - and at this point it’s causing the marriage harm.

if you can’t change your behavior - let your husband be free so he can find a woman that respects and honors him.

[IslandSanctuary]

Tell your husband so he can stop wasting his life with you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Any chance your husband is unfaithful to you too, OP?

You say there's basically no intimacy in the marriage anymore. I wonder if he's getting his needs fulfilled somewhere else too. It's a possibility if he doesn't seem bothered by the fact that there's little sex between you two. Perhaps you're both cheating. 

And what is your plan if your husband or your AP's wife find out, and blow this whole thing wide open? Don't assume it couldn't happen. It can, and if it does, you need to be prepared. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

 I wasn't thinking of anything other than myself. 

Unfortunately that's true. It's all about ego and hedonism, regardless of who gets hurt.

At least you are honest to yourself about that. It's a good start.

 

 

[elaine567]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what is your plan if your husband or your AP's wife find out, and blow this whole thing wide open? Don't assume it couldn't happen. It can, and if it does, you need to be prepared. 

This is the 10,000 dollar question.
You have skated on thin ice for 15 years, your luck I guess is about to change.

[Stevnx3]

11 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I think this is key. I didn't cheat for 16 years of marriage. I have had multiple opportunities if I wanted to cheat for sex or whatever. This was different. This is an emotionally driven affair. The AP provides me with support, encouragement, compliments, listens admiration and unbelievable compassionate connected sex. I provide the same to him. This will make relapse a possibility and I can look it straight on and know this before even breaking it off with AP. Divorce may be my only real option...but not for the AP. 

Then I would wager you have everything you need from the AP vs husband. It may simply be the better course to divorce. You mentioned your children. However, either through divorce or through all of this becoming known, they will, along with many others, find out. Seems like a delay the hurt now, only to have hurt later.

The other pickel is that your AP is not interested in divorce. Your emotions have become far too strong for the AP. He offers you what you are craving. I do not believe you will 100% be able to break away.

Divorce seems to be the only true answer. 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

 If only I didn't care for this coworker or crave his attention. Of course I wish that my husband fulfilled me in this way.

It does feel incredible...until it doesn't.

There is a distinction between "familial" long-term love and "new love". They are very different and in some ways a new love can feel great (while certainly not being particularly fair to an existing "familial" LT partner). Also, "so good but can't have" situations can cause undue emotional stress as well as other issues.

The fact that you and your husband don't sleep together suggests that, despite the good "everything else" you are not well bonded emotionally, or perhaps more specifically sexually. Possibly either or both of your families of origin had that as a "model" to follow? If so, maybe time to recognize that and work past it?

Every couple's different and a low-sex marriage DOES work for some. However, it seems to not be working for (at least) you insofar as you've now started an affair. Sleeping in separate rooms is fine so long as there is regular intimacy (to the point where both your needs are reasonably being met) IMO.

I'm not going to advise you to divorce, you would need to make your own decisions WRT that. However, I'd say that IF you want to stay married, the wisest course would probably be to end the affair ASAP and "work on" your marriage to the point where both you and your husband are happy with it again. Continuing the affair is a significant risk and discovery days tend to be ugly, painful experiences, often with very significant and drawn out consequences. In some cases the partner is instantly and irrevocably done and the marriage permanently ends right there. Something to think about...

Edited September 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[Theeisor]

You are me 6 years ago. I’m getting ready to post my own story soon because I’m desperately trying to break away for good. It’s been a long and very difficult road filled with desire, pain, limerence, lies & addiction. I have so much to sort through and my only advice to you is to stop. It only intensifies more and it gets harder and harder to stop. If what you’re feeling now is all consuming, imagine what it will feel like a few years down the road? If there was a pill I could take to erase the memory of my exMM, I would do it in a heartbeat. Hugs and good luck. 

[glows]

14 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I think this is key. I didn't cheat for 16 years of marriage. I have had multiple opportunities if I wanted to cheat for sex or whatever. This was different. This is an emotionally driven affair. The AP provides me with support, encouragement, compliments, listens admiration and unbelievable compassionate connected sex. I provide the same to him. This will make relapse a possibility and I can look it straight on and know this before even breaking it off with AP. Divorce may be my only real option...but not for the AP. 

Only consider your options. When you’re free of these resentments and overhanging guilt you’ll be so much lighter and able to concentrate on doing so much more with your life. Wishing you the best in whatever you decide. Anything is better than living in deception or hiding things.

[Distraught1]

First off, if you are taking the time to read this, I thank you. Is it rather cathartic to put it all out there.

After reading some other posts here I think this may have to do with unhealed childhood trauma. My father cheated on my mother multiple times and even introduced me to one of his AP.

I idolized my father as a child and when my parents divorced my father moved away to another state - he left. We talked to him on the phone and would visit in the summers. Leaving my mother to go to my father was painful. Leaving my father's after our visit concluded was painful. My father remarried and soon after had a child. We always felt second and still do.

The MM in my life was a plutonic friend for 4 years. I helped him through a divorce. He began dating again and I was supportive of him finding love. After he married he ghosted me. I would see him at work events and he would leave my presence and not look me in the eye or acknowledge me. He tried at one point a few years later to speak to me and apologize. I was so hurt that I wanted nothing to do with him.

FF to another 2 years later and I was having marital issues. I heard from a coworker that he was too. I reached out to him. It was intentional but not to be more than friends per say but I knew that he could fill the emptiness like he used to. We were right back in the saddle...one of those ppl you just have that energy with. He apologized profusely. And then told me that his wife made him cut off our friendship because she felt threatened. He than professed feelings other than friendship and told me that he recently found out about his wife having an affair. And that he felt that what she did justified acting on his feelings for me.

So what I'm processing now is did I say yes to this because my father did this to my mother and his daughters? Why would I do something that destroyed my parents marriage? In a sense it felt almost like I wanted to get back at the MW for "taking him from me". Like I wanted to win. So I proceeded with the affair knowing that he wasn't going divorce to be with me and knowing that I wasn't going to leave my husband for him. I knew exactly what it was...so why did I accept this as ok? Also, I lived two separate lives from age 9 on...so I also feel that's why i can compartmentalize this in a sense.  On the otherhand...when I think of ending this it seems impossible. I'm terrible with goodbyes and cutting people out, another reason the ghosting was so painful. 

[BaileyB]

Just a thought - your father cheated, he chose another woman (introduced you to her) and essentially left your mother and your family. 

Your MM did much the same thing - you supported him as a friend through his divorce… He met another woman and ghosted you. He abandoned you in much the same way that your father abandoned you. Perhaps, you took him back when he started having marital issue because you wanted the love and validation you did not get from your father (and ultimately, your MM). 

I’m not a therapist, but it seems to me that you’ve chosen another unavailable and unreliable man and you are essentially playing out the same story - seeking the love and validation of this man in much the same way you probably missed it/wanted it from your father. 

 

[Distraught1]

42 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Just a thought - your father cheated, he chose another woman (introduced you to her) and essentially left your mother and your family. 

Your MM did much the same thing - you supported him as a friend through his divorce… He met another woman and ghosted you. He abandoned you in much the same way that your father abandoned you. Perhaps, you took him back when he started having marital issue because you wanted the love and validation you did not get from your father (and ultimately, your MM). 

I’m not a therapist, but it seems to me that you’ve chosen another unavailable and unreliable man and you are essentially playing out the same story - seeking the love and validation of this man in much the same way you probably missed it/wanted it from your father. 

 

You are probably right, however, I'm 48. I've met and worked with many unavailable MM. But yes, definitely something about this man and this situation that drew me in and allowed me to justify my behavior.   

[HappilyMarried]

6 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I reached out to him. It was intentional

Sorry for this and what you were going through in your marriage that led you down this road of cheating on your husband. However, after your  16 post you say you reached out to him it sounds like you were probably deep down thinking this could led to what is happening.

Always remember the marriage whether its great or their is issues is 50/50 with the both of you, but your emotional and physical infidelity is 100% on your or your fault.

Now what I would suggest for you is to go totally non contact with your lover. Find a IC, take your passion that you are sharing with your lover and out that towards your husband. All the things you talk and share turn that effort to just your husband and your marriage. After IC talk to your husband again and tell him the way the marriage is currently is not working for you remind him with I said here that you have been putting in all the effort and you need more from him. You need more passion and love making that you guys need MC. If you do all of this and nothing changes then you walk away knowing you did all you can do. The way you are doing things now is only a bad ban-aid and is selfishly only for you and your benefit.

I really think deep down you know what you need to do. Best of luck!

[Zona]

In my experience, the men that I have known that cheat don't do it because they are "not getting their needs met", with the exception of sex perhaps. They cheat because it is fun, the sex is usually very wild and crazy, and they like the ego kibbles. They are usually cake eaters that like home life, but also the excitement of having extra sex on the side.

Who's to say that your AP doesn't have other women in his life that he is cheating with? Cheating men are rarely satisfied with one "conquest". It's very likely that he has several women on a rotation. Expecting a cheater to be loyal is an oxymoron. My WW's AP had both a fiancé and several girl friends, but he was a very charming bad boy that was just irresistible.

I would recommend N/C and counselling with someone that will hold you accountable. Being honest with your husband should also be a consideration. Exposure can take away the fantasy aspect of an affair. I would just hope that your kids don't end up hating you when they find out.

Edited September 9, 2021 by Zona

[Snakesalive]

On 9/4/2021 at 12:32 PM, denwickdroylsden said:

I was in a similar situation for nearly 3 years.  Maybe you could think about, rather than the morality of your actions, the real world impact of getting caught.  With me, no children were involved on either side.  And our careers and jobs were not connected in any way.  Even so, the discovery devastated my W.  I abruptly NC'd my AP which caused her severe trauma also.  It took years and years of working on myself to understand why I went down such a dark road and betrayed a woman who so unconditionally loved and supported me.  I'm still working on that.  So, if you can, try to picture how getting caught would play out and the effect it would have on those you love.  And then, please stop.  All best.

Totally agree -I relate so much to your post . 
no one can really begin to understand-maybe because we don’t want to -the magnitude of impact an affair causes . 
It will be worse than you can imagine so please use this as fuel to walk away @Distraught1