Cheating with coworker, want to stop, feels like an addiction

[Birdies]

The advice to quit cold turkey is the gold standard for a reason. ANY contact draws you back in. I can’t count the number of times my (married) coworker and I (also married) “stopped”…. and then eventually started back up again.

It’s a true addiction, and it gets stronger every day, so there is never a better time to stop and go cold turkey than TODAY.

Otherwise, you will blow up both your lives spectacularly. It’s incredibly traumatizing and horrible. We are actually happily married to each other now, so in that way I don’t actually regret it overall….. but your situation is different, and you’re much better off leaving your husband and being single and figuring your $hit out (what makes you think it’s acceptable to cheat on your spouse?), rather than torpedoing your life. 

Edit - after reading all the comments, it seems like you could really benefit from 1) couples counseling (you need to make this a non-negotiable), and 2) individual counseling. It’s absolutely worth the time and expense. Get going before you destroy your life. Think an amicable divorce is traumatic on teens? Imagine a cheating scandal. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by Birdies

[Distraught1]

7 hours ago, Zona said:

In my experience, the men that I have known that cheat don't do it because they are "not getting their needs met", with the exception of sex perhaps. They cheat because it is fun, the sex is usually very wild and crazy, and they like the ego kibbles. They are usually cake eaters that like home life, but also the excitement of having extra sex on the side.

Who's to say that your AP doesn't have other women in his life that he is cheating with? Cheating men are rarely satisfied with one "conquest". It's very likely that he has several women on a rotation. Expecting a cheater to be loyal is an oxymoron. My WW's AP had both a fiancé and several girl friends, but he was a very charming bad boy that was just irresistible.

I would recommend N/C and counselling with someone that will hold you accountable. Being honest with your husband should also be a consideration. Exposure can take away the fantasy aspect of an affair. I would just hope that your kids don't end up hating you when they find out.

Thank you for the advice.

I guess the thing is, yes he is meeting my emotional needs, and perhaps he doesn't need the same but the sex is only occasional because we live in different cities. I also think it's fun and like the ego kibbles. I'm only expecting some fun and support from him. We had sex in Feb 2020 and connected every day until our second encounter July 2021 (18n mos. later) so it's not like he is getting so much sex and this is a major sex affair. We both say things to support the other in work and ego kibbles.

Is it possible that he has other women?  I guess it is. However with Covid it's unlikely and his wife stays at home. He travels occasionally. Could he be a sex addict? Possibly.

We are FB friends. I could easily contact his wife...he could easily contact my husband. We could destroy the other persons career on both sides. We are extremely careful with our communication but I'm not here to say we are a committed affair. I don't ask him and he doesn't ask me.    

Regardless, I am considering N/C and trying to find a counselor. I do need accountability...however mostly we just talk and email...the in-person contact is rare so it wouldn't be difficult to disengage from a logistic stand point only from a personal standpoint. He is one of my best friends. This is the hard part for me. He has told me that he will be anything that I want. We can be professional colleagues, friends, Friends with benefits or AP. I think right now we are FWB. He will say "maybe someday we will be together" and that "I am the one" but I never say it back to him. We tell each other that we care deeply for the other and ultimately just want the other to be happy...even if that means ending this. Again...I'm just not there yet.

I'm working through all of this and trying to decide when to go N/C. I think this is a unique type of affair because of the 15 years but maybe it's not at all. Perhaps it's just as cliche as any other affair. In order to protect my children, and his, I know I need to disconnect from this relationship. 

[Distraught1]

1 hour ago, Birdies said:

The advice to quit cold turkey is the gold standard for a reason. ANY contact draws you back in. I can’t count the number of times my (married) coworker and I (also married) “stopped”…. and then eventually started back up again.

It’s a true addiction, and it gets stronger every day, so there is never a better time to stop and go cold turkey than TODAY.

Otherwise, you will blow up both your lives spectacularly. It’s incredibly traumatizing and horrible. We are actually happily married to each other now, so in that way I don’t actually regret it overall….. but your situation is different, and you’re much better off leaving your husband and being single and figuring your $hit out (what makes you think it’s acceptable to cheat on your spouse?), rather than torpedoing your life. 

Edit - after reading all the comments, it seems like you could really benefit from 1) couples counseling (you need to make this a non-negotiable), and 2) individual counseling. It’s absolutely worth the time and expense. Get going before you destroy your life. Think an amicable divorce is traumatic on teens? Imagine a cheating scandal. 

Thank you and it is an addiction. Every email response is a little hit. I decide I'm going to end it and then I get and email or an assignment with him and  I'm back in it. Photos and videos. Mostly from him but some from me. 

I need personal counseling first so that I can be accountable for ending this and marital counseling next...if I decide I want to stay in this. I have considered leaving. I have even told my husband I was considering it and he basically laughed it off because we were having wine. He never takes what I am telling him to heart. He will either leave the conversation or never acknowledge what I tell him. We only have sex when I initiate which is only after drinks. He can never orgasm. It's just a dysfunctional situation. But I'll add, hopefully without sounding like an a**h***... that I am very attractive. I work out and keep myself up. He is attractive too but doesn't make any effort to be attractive to me or acknowledge me as a woman. I know I need to be telling him this...but I think I have. I tried to reignite our sex life and he pretty much told me he wasn't into it and has a very low sex drive. So he makes me feel undesirable. My AP fills that gap for me. It's pretty sad actually. That I'm doing this and that I'm here confessing. Ugh.

      

[HappilyMarried]

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

Thank you and it is an addiction. Every email response is a little hit. I decide I'm going to end it and then I get and email or an assignment with him and  I'm back in it. Photos and videos. Mostly from him but some from me. 

I need personal counseling first so that I can be accountable for ending this and marital counseling next...if I decide I want to stay in this. I have considered leaving. I have even told my husband I was considering it and he basically laughed it off because we were having wine. He never takes what I am telling him to heart. He will either leave the conversation or never acknowledge what I tell him. We only have sex when I initiate which is only after drinks. He can never orgasm. It's just a dysfunctional situation. But I'll add, hopefully without sounding like an a**h***... that I am very attractive. I work out and keep myself up. He is attractive too but doesn't make any effort to be attractive to me or acknowledge me as a woman. I know I need to be telling him this...but I think I have. I tried to reignite our sex life and he pretty much told me he wasn't into it and has a very low sex drive. So he makes me feel undesirable. My AP fills that gap for me. It's pretty sad actually. That I'm doing this and that I'm here confessing. Ugh.

      

If you read my post from last night. You need to stop all of your EA and PA with the other guy. Put all of your effort and passion into your husband and your marriage. Heck even give yourself a timetable if you want. Show him the passion and desire that it seems that you are sharing with your lover through messages, videos, and in person. Then make your husband sit down and have a serious talk telling him what he needs if he has a dysfunctional issue he has to go  to a doctor and seek medical help that you will not continue the way things are going. Tell him while the way things currently are may be good for him, but it is not enough for you and that things are going to have to change or you will walk away.

I feel if you do this and he does not do anything you should be able to walk away without any guilt or remorse and move on with your life whether with your current lover or someone new with a fresh start. Its like I said in my previous post the marriage is 50/50 but your affair is 100% on you. Stop try to work on your marriage if it doesn't work then you've done all you can do and walk away. If the marriage fails move on. Best of luck!

[Zona]

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

 I think this is a unique type of affair because of the 15 years but maybe it's not at all. Perhaps it's just as cliche as any other affair. In order to protect my children, and his, I know I need to disconnect from this relationship. 

Nearly 100% of WW's would say their affair is unique and special, and that they are soulmates. These feelings are almost always due to limerence, and the mental gymnastics required to betray spouse and children. Typical justifications are things like "My marriage must be terrible if I am able to cheat" and many other kinds of blame shifting onto BS. When my WW was in her brief affair, she treated me like garbage, constantly picking fights and finding fault in my actions. It was part of the justification/rationalization process.

As has been pointed out, N/C is the gold standard for breaking the cycle and ending an affair (or any kind of toxic relationship for that matter). 

Do you have any female friends that can help you with your emotional needs since your affair is not based so much on sex? Most guys are not touchy feely with emotions.

Best of luck untangling yourself from this unhealthy situation. If you do so with the help of a good counsellor, it can be a time of tremendous personal growth.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I could easily contact his wife...he could easily contact my husband. We could destroy the other persons career on both sides

You're evenly  matched then. 

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

think this is a unique type of affair because of the 15 years but maybe it's not at all. Perhaps it's just as cliche as any other affair. I

I think we all -consciously or not want to find something about our affair situation that makes it different /unique or somehow a special case . I think this is our mixed up brains way of helping to justify why we should stay in it and give us a reason for staying in the contemplation stage and avoid the no contact decision .  
At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter whether it is unique or not . What’s important is that it’s an affair that if it were to be revealed would be devastating for all  and no amount of talk about it being unique will  make that any different from the countless other affairs out there. 

I think you have to get past the part of knowing this guy platonically for so long - many affairs come about this way . Yes you will be losing a friend -that’s how it is I’m afraid and no you can’t go back to being platonic friends -as they say the genie is out of the lamp . I hope you find the strength to go NC -you sound very switched on -just maybe not ready yet to make the change . 

[Distraught1]

1 hour ago, Snakesalive said:

I think we all -consciously or not want to find something about our affair situation that makes it different /unique or somehow a special case . I think this is our mixed up brains way of helping to justify why we should stay in it and give us a reason for staying in the contemplation stage and avoid the no contact decision .  
At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter whether it is unique or not . What’s important is that it’s an affair that if it were to be revealed would be devastating for all  and no amount of talk about it being unique will  make that any different from the countless other affairs out there. 

I think you have to get past the part of knowing this guy platonically for so long - many affairs come about this way . Yes you will be losing a friend -that’s how it is I’m afraid and no you can’t go back to being platonic friends -as they say the genie is out of the lamp . I hope you find the strength to go NC -you sound very switched on -just maybe not ready yet to make the change . 

Thank you. Yes, I know right from wrong and I suppose that's why I am here. I know what I should/need to do but it's definitely hard to take the plunge. I work from home so I am bored and lonely a lot. That's part of the allure. We work for the same company and have the same experience. We talk about work a lot on our calls and can relate in this way too. I know I can do it. I survived w/o him in my life for 8 years and I was ok then. He's kind of a wild card unlike my husband. They are very different...another allure. Regardless, I need to try and stop justifying it. I know it's wrong, unique or not. 

I truly thank you for your honest, non-judgmental reply. I judge myself constantly and kinda hate myself deep down. Another reason I have to stop is to get out of the self hate pattern and be proud of myself for being strong enough to do the right thing. This is helping. Thanks again.  

[DKT3]

If the affair is not unique or special then what does it say about its participants? 

Honestly,  you have not said anything that is different than anything we read here every day. 

In summary,  your bored the affair is exciting.  Every thing else is, well bs. I dont believe you have any intention of ending anything.  I believe you're look for a way to silence the guilt. If and when you are truly ready to do something different,  you will.

[Distraught1]

3 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

If you read my post from last night. You need to stop all of your EA and PA with the other guy. Put all of your effort and passion into your husband and your marriage. Heck even give yourself a timetable if you want. Show him the passion and desire that it seems that you are sharing with your lover through messages, videos, and in person. Then make your husband sit down and have a serious talk telling him what he needs if he has a dysfunctional issue he has to go  to a doctor and seek medical help that you will not continue the way things are going. Tell him while the way things currently are may be good for him, but it is not enough for you and that things are going to have to change or you will walk away.

I feel if you do this and he does not do anything you should be able to walk away without any guilt or remorse and move on with your life whether with your current lover or someone new with a fresh start. Its like I said in my previous post the marriage is 50/50 but your affair is 100% on you. Stop try to work on your marriage if it doesn't work then you've done all you can do and walk away. If the marriage fails move on. Best of luck!

I know I do. This is why I'm here to get some support and learn from others. I will seek therapy but this was my beginning...admitting all of this to myself. Thinking deeply about it, typing it out and getting feedback has been helpful. 

I will try to put my all into my marriage. My 18 year anniversary is in a couple of days. I made all of the plans to celebrate...go figure. I'm really not sure I can show him the passion and desire that I share w/ my lover because I don't feel it. I feel resentment. I can be his buddy but to get to a passionate place is extremely difficult. We do need to have a serious talk about our marriage and maybe the perfect time to do so is on our anniversary.   

[HappilyMarried]

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

I'm really not sure I can show him the passion and desire that I share w/ my lover because I don't feel it. I feel resentment.

I'm glad to see you are being honest about this. However if you are also honest about this statement and can not then really what do you have left in your marriage. Seriously if you can not have that passion and desire what can you have going forward.

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

We do need to have a serious talk about our marriage and maybe the perfect time to do so is on our anniversary.   

If you read what I said above if you can't have that and just be his buddy I'm sorry but maybe then your talk should be instead of fixing your marriage it may need to discuss the ending of your marriage. I'm sorry if that offends or upsets you that is not my intention at all but based on what you are saying if you have no desire or passion to your spouse what really is there to fix. As you stated in the above post the following "I can be his buddy" this way out there but if everything in your marriage is going well expect for the passion and desire and sex maybe discuss the possibility of an "open relationship".

I am not sure if you or I saw that you said anything about kids, but especially if not that might be something to consider you know yourself and your spouse better than any of us. I jsut think the words you use describing your feelings towards your lover as compared to you husband I just don't see you dropping your AP and staying married to your husband. I do wish you the best of luck.

[Snakesalive]

18 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I will try to put my all into my marriage

Kindly I would suggest you put your all into ending the affair. Only then will you be able to give your relationship with your husband your full attention-. 

[Snakesalive]

19 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I'm really not sure I can show him the passion and desire that I share w/ my lover because I don't feel it. I feel resentment. I can be his buddy but to get to a passionate place is extremely difficult. We do need to have a serious talk about our marriage and maybe the perfect time to do so is on our anniversary.   

For me your uncertainty is key.  There are many who will look at the picture you have painted about your marriage and feelings for your husband and recommend you divorce and they may be right . BUT they may be wrong -right now you’re in the affair fog and your rational thinking  is cProbably very clouded  by all the endorphins running around .

personally I’m not sure your anniversary is the perfect time to discuss your marriage. Isn’t an anniversary about reflecting and celebrating a happy marriage rather than having a serious conversation about the state of your marriage? -. Unless you’re planning to tell your husband about your affair it seems disingenuous to talk about problems in your marriage when he’s unaware there’s 3 of  you in it . 

I’d really urge you to try counselling and see if there is something to salvage with your husband . It will be hard work and you may stay together you may not but at least you will be able to walk away knowing you genuinely tried and gave it your all 
 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Starswillshine]

I don't think you should be making any decisions or have any discussions with your husband about the state if your marriage until you have fully ended your affair. Your head and heart won't be into it with your mind thinking of how great the MM makes you feel. 

Then when you get out of the fog of thinking this other guy is so amazing, you can start focusing on your husband and marriage. Your marriage will never stand a chance in comparison to an illicit affair. Not after 18 years... the excitement of this sneaky thing will always cast a HUGE shadow over the boredom of every day life. 

[Birdies]

17 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I don't think you should be making any decisions or have any discussions with your husband about the state if your marriage until you have fully ended your affair. Your head and heart won't be into it with your mind thinking of how great the MM makes you feel. 

Then when you get out of the fog of thinking this other guy is so amazing, you can start focusing on your husband and marriage. Your marriage will never stand a chance in comparison to an illicit affair. Not after 18 years... the excitement of this sneaky thing will always cast a HUGE shadow over the boredom of every day life. 

So true. I have the perfect case study for this point: I had an affair, and now I am married to my former affair partner. We have a very happy marriage, and we still have a great sex life even with a toddler and some subsequent infertility challenges/ treatments…. but nothing at all compares to that insane affair limerance and addiction. We would both tell you that! We laugh now about how insanely addicting it was. No regular marriage can compare when you’re in the middle of that. 

[Birdies]

And I should add the disclaimer to my above post, that we both went to a lot of counseling and did a LOT of introspection on how we could have been such crappy people and made such selfish decisions that hurt people that we cared about. Having an affair is a really bad way to find a spouse and not a path that I would ever recommend. 

[Zona]

Yes I agree with what the others have said. Don't waste your husband's time talking about the problems in your marriage while you are still actively cheating on him. A husband can never compete with the fantasy of an affair where real life issues and problems don't exist.

If you are honest with yourself, you'd have to admit that your feelings for the other man interfere with the feelings you have for your husband. You don't know if your feelings will change until you stop the affair and get some counselling. Until then you will remain distant and disconnected and no progress will be possible.

[Distraught1]

This is true. I didn't talk to my husband about our problems. I did talk to him about what we need to work on, both of us. He was responsive and we have a nice weekend. Actually my husband and I do connect and are friends. It it possible to love 2 ppl for different reasons?

I shut the AP out for 4 days N/C but then we reconnected via an email he sent to me. I felt so guilty because was telling me in the email how he's on the verge on a breakdown. I don't believe related to me, I don't know exactly, but it pulled me back in and I'm worried about him as a friend. 

This affair is more emotional than sexual I guess. We email a few times a day, speak on the phone on average once a week and see each other about 3-4x per year.  It's friends w/ benefits I guess. And I do care about this person. The main reason to stop is because I'm married and don't want anyone to get hurt but it's not an "affair" like many that are very physical. He does sends me pics on occasion, I send him some too but mostly we talk about life, work, stresses, etc. I've known him for 15 years. I know it sounds like I'm justifying. 

[Distraught1]

On 9/13/2021 at 7:59 AM, Birdies said:

And I should add the disclaimer to my above post, that we both went to a lot of counseling and did a LOT of introspection on how we could have been such crappy people and made such selfish decisions that hurt people that we cared about. Having an affair is a really bad way to find a spouse and not a path that I would ever recommend. 

We are not planning to leave our spouses but I do feel like a crappy & selfish person. I think I have found a way to separate the two realities. One is my real life and the other is a private/virtual type life. My main motivation for stopping is to not hurt anybody...not necessarily the guilt...and I'm not sure why? When this started I had serious guilt. I still do on occasion but feel like I have been able to compartmentalize it well. I don't plan on spending my life with this person so I guess it's just pure selfishness and getting the additional attention and endorphins that something like this provides.  In two years, we have had sex on two occasions, Covid was in play but we live in different states. The opportunity is just not there...also may be a part of the allure...safe. 

[Birdies]

Just now, Distraught1 said:

We are not planning to leave our spouses but I do feel like a crappy & selfish person. I think I have found a way to separate the two realities. One is my real life and the other is a private/virtual type life. My main motivation for stopping is to not hurt anybody...not necessarily the guilt...and I'm not sure why? When this started I had serious guilt. I still do on occasion but feel like I have been able to compartmentalize it well. I don't plan on spending my life with this person so I guess it's just pure selfishness and getting the additional attention and endorphins that something like this provides.  In two years, we have had sex on two occasions, Covid was in play but we live in different states. The opportunity is just not there...also may be a part of the allure...safe. 

Compartmentalization becomes a force of habit, and this thing that was previously unthinkable has now become your new normal.  In order to protect your image of yourself as a good person, you can't think about how terrible you're acting and you have to be able to justify it.  "No one will know, it's just some innocent fun, I deserve this because DH doesn't pay attention to me", etc.  Been there done that.  Eventually i will all come crashing down and you will have to face all the consequences of your actions, though.  

[Distraught1]

On 9/10/2021 at 10:33 AM, Snakesalive said:

Kindly I would suggest you put your all into ending the affair. Only then will you be able to give your relationship with your husband your full attention-. 

Thank you. I agree and am trying to gain the strength to do so. It's mostly a digital affair, if you will, so overall my family and husband get the majority of my attention. Mentally, yes, I can be elsewhere, but both myself and the AP prioritize our family over the affair on both sides respectfully. I'm not sure if this is just weird or not but we have known each other for so many years and know much about the others lives, have watched the other's children grow up, vacations, extended family, etc. on social media. 

[Distraught1]

1 minute ago, Birdies said:

Compartmentalization becomes a force of habit, and this thing that was previously unthinkable has now become your new normal.  In order to protect your image of yourself as a good person, you can't think about how terrible you're acting and you have to be able to justify it.  "No one will know, it's just some innocent fun, I deserve this because DH doesn't pay attention to me", etc.  Been there done that.  Eventually i will all come crashing down and you will have to face all the consequences of your actions, though.  

You're right. One way or another it will come crashing down even if it's just my own mental state. I know this...I truly do. If you've been there and done that then you know it's easier said than done. Why did you not end your affair? Do you think I should just "ghost" or talk to him about ending it? Ugh.

[Snakesalive]

45 minutes ago, Birdies said:

order to protect your image of yourself as a good person, you can't think about how terrible you're acting and you have to be able to justify it.  "No one will know, it's just some innocent fun, I deserve this because DH doesn't pay attention to me", etc. 

Absolutely all this . I’d also add 

1) “I can’t stop this” ( I could I just didn’t want to) 

2) “we’re meant to be together ” ( we weren’t this was limerance and the voice of the addict I’d become . 

3) “ ok he dabbles  in recreational drugs but it’s only because he’s so unhappy-it’s his way of coping -understandable “ ( unbelievable-he took drugs because he liked the feeling it gave him -just another addiction) 

 

 

 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

should just "ghost" or talk to him about ending it? Ugh

This is about you -there is no discussion to be had with him about ending it -what would this achieve? what do you expect from the conversation? You’re not looking for his feedback.  Firstly you have to make a commitment to yourself to truly end this and be willing and ready to put the hard work in to delivering that commitment . 

why would you ghost him? Again what would that approach achieve ? 

You don’t sound willing to end it so trying to decide whether to talk to him about it or to ghost him is irrelevant and IMO just another way to distract yourself from the decision you know you have to make but are avoiding

There is no easy way to end an affair-someone told me they’re like lobster pots -much easier to get into than out of and that’s definitely true in my experience. But it absolutely can be done -people get into and out of affairs every day -nothing about this is special although we always try to convince ourselves our case is exceptional. You can do this -I know you can 

Edited September 20, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Birdies]

58 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

You're right. One way or another it will come crashing down even if it's just my own mental state. I know this...I truly do. If you've been there and done that then you know it's easier said than done. Why did you not end your affair? Do you think I should just "ghost" or talk to him about ending it? Ugh.

We tried to end it, but we work together in a small office and it felt like a true addiction.  I think I would have ended it eventually, but we had a big explosive D-Day before that could happen.  That's a pretty effective way to end it.... (although it didn't in my case, we are married now).

I would recommend sending him a No Contact letter.  Basically, "I can't do this anymore, it's wrong and it's harming my marriage.  Please respect this request and don't contact me again."  That way if he keeps bugging you, you know he's being a disrespectful dick and not just wondering what happened to you.

If you have to keep in contact for work, you can say very explicitly that you will not tolerate any non-essential work communication.

I know it's much easier said than done.  I also know that for most people, it gets progressively harder the longer it goes on.  That means that it will never be easier to end it than it is RIGHT NOW.  You just need to make the decision and have the willpower.