Cheating with coworker, want to stop, feels like an addiction

[Distraught1]

5 minutes ago, Birdies said:

We tried to end it, but we work together in a small office and it felt like a true addiction.  I think I would have ended it eventually, but we had a big explosive D-Day before that could happen.  That's a pretty effective way to end it.... (although it didn't in my case, we are married now).

I would recommend sending him a No Contact letter.  Basically, "I can't do this anymore, it's wrong and it's harming my marriage.  Please respect this request and don't contact me again."  That way if he keeps bugging you, you know he's being a disrespectful dick and not just wondering what happened to you.

If you have to keep in contact for work, you can say very explicitly that you will not tolerate any non-essential work communication.

I know it's much easier said than done.  I also know that for most people, it gets progressively harder the longer it goes on.  That means that it will never be easier to end it than it is RIGHT NOW.  You just need to make the decision and have the willpower.

I actually tried to disconnect twice over the past two years and his response was...if this is what you truly want, I will respect this, but I don't want it. Do you really want to end 15 years of history?  And...what happens when we see each other at a work function? There is no way I will be able to control myself when I see you. And...we knew from the first time we met that there was something special between us, are you going to deny this? And...I'll be anything you want, pro co-workers, just friends, friends w/ benefits, lovers...whatever you want just don't let me go all together from your life...please.

I'm almost there, I think. I 100% agree that it will only get more difficult. I see his wife and kids on FB and it's heart wrenching. When I see this, I am ready, but then...I am weak. 

[Birdies]

16 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I actually tried to disconnect twice over the past two years and his response was...if this is what you truly want, I will respect this, but I don't want it. Do you really want to end 15 years of history?  And...what happens when we see each other at a work function? There is no way I will be able to control myself when I see you. And...we knew from the first time we met that there was something special between us, are you going to deny this? And...I'll be anything you want, pro co-workers, just friends, friends w/ benefits, lovers...whatever you want just don't let me go all together from your life...please.

I'm almost there, I think. I 100% agree that it will only get more difficult. I see his wife and kids on FB and it's heart wrenching. When I see this, I am ready, but then...I am weak. 

If he does that, then just ignore it.  Don't respond no matter what.  (That is, if you can't block him because of work.  If you can block him, do it.  It'll help tremendously.)

[DKT3]

You keep minimizing this affair as if it will make it less painful for the betrayed spouses or your behavior less horrible. 

My wife had an affair for 2 years, it was sexual 4 or 5 times and full sex once. Our marriage ended in divorce.  It wasn't because of the sex, it was because she didn't get it.  

She thought by not having intercourse with him she was preserving my feelings.  But the millions of little things were ok. Its the millions of little things that stick with the betrayed spouses for years, its those things that steal sleep, and the ability to be a fully functional human, at least for a time. 

Just like my wife,  you don't get it.  But like most WS when you do, it will be too late and out of your control. 

So you can continue to make excuses, minimize and deceive yourself or you can get honest and start towards your authentic future. 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I actually tried to disconnect twice over the past two years and his response was...

Guilt - 

8 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

if this is what you truly want, I will respect this, but I don't want it. Do you really want to end 15 years of history? 

Manipulation - 

8 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

And...what happens when we see each other at a work function? There is no way I will be able to control myself when I see you.

More guilt - 

8 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

And...we knew from the first time we met that there was something special between us, are you going to deny this?

And more manipulation -

8 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

And...I'll be anything you want, pro co-workers, just friends, friends w/ benefits, lovers...whatever you want just don't let me go all together from your life...please.

Why did you fall for this? 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

The only advice is fix what's really wrong in your life and this will fix itself 

Start by getting to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Reconnect with trusted friends and family. Get a side hustle. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Get fit. Take up some sports. Join some groups and clubs.

If your home life is a source of stress, address that.

Office affairs and easy lazy cheap and seem to provide a distraction.

However it's like drinking gutrot from a paper bag to cure cancer .

[Vivalavi]

On 9/20/2021 at 12:26 PM, Distraught1 said:

This is true. I didn't talk to my husband about our problems. I did talk to him about what we need to work on, both of us. He was responsive and we have a nice weekend. Actually my husband and I do connect and are friends. It it possible to love 2 ppl for different reasons?

I shut the AP out for 4 days N/C but then we reconnected via an email he sent to me. I felt so guilty because was telling me in the email how he's on the verge on a breakdown. I don't believe related to me, I don't know exactly, but it pulled me back in and I'm worried about him as a friend. 

This affair is more emotional than sexual I guess. We email a few times a day, speak on the phone on average once a week and see each other about 3-4x per year.  It's friends w/ benefits I guess. And I do care about this person. The main reason to stop is because I'm married and don't want anyone to get hurt but it's not an "affair" like many that are very physical. He does sends me pics on occasion, I send him some too but mostly we talk about life, work, stresses, etc. I've known him for 15 years. I know it sounds like I'm justifying. 

How did you feel during those 4 NC days? How did you distract yourself from reaching out? I know I have to go into NC with my MM but I didn't do that step yet. 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm married and don't want anyone to get hurt

Carry in this way and people will -you’re already hurting 

[Vivalavi]

12 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

Carry in this way and people will -you’re already hurting 

I'm not sure why it's quoting me since I haven't said it. 😆

[Snakesalive]

7 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm not sure why it's quoting me since I haven't said it. 😆

This was in reference to @Distraught1earlier post although I think it’s also relevant to you’re situation in that people involved in affairs get hurt whether it’s the OW/OM , betrayed spouse etc 

[Distraught1]

On 9/21/2021 at 10:31 PM, Vivalavi said:

How did you feel during those 4 NC days? How did you distract yourself from reaching out? I know I have to go into NC with my MM but I didn't do that step yet. 

During the 4 days I was busy so my mind was occupied. I think this is part of the key...but I also had a sadness within me too. I know I have to do this but like you it's a constant back and forth. I know what I should do, what is best for me, but my lack of self control bites me in the a$$ every time. He tells me I'm his best friend. I know this isn't true because it's all so sneaky and dishonest but it still means something to me. I need to go NC too. I'm talking to a therapist for the first time today and hope I can begin my journey to moving forward. I know it won't be easy because we did this (only as plutonic friends) about 9 years ago and it was a difficult 7 years without his friendship connection...but i lived through it then and I will live through it now. Still so hard!

[Amethyst68]

You will never have that emotional connection with your BH while you're in the affair or probably for a while after. The reason - you're totally emotionally invested in your MM. Your BH is going to have noticed this, whether or not he knows or suspects the cause.  This will have created or widened any disconnect in your marriage.

You simply can't be 100% invested in 2 things at the same time. 

BTW you're already hurting 2 people, even if they're not aware of it yet! Please stop minimising your actions. 

[DKT3]

I've kinda gone back through this thread and its become obvious that you've robbed your husband of a genuine marriage and you've never been committed.  

I know you will disagree,  but the proof is right here in your own words.

You have been in love with this other guy for 15 years, you have been committed to him. He is the one who knows you like a husband should know a wife, he is the one you've shared your most intimate emotions with. 

So what is the purpose of your husband? 

Believe it or not, very few betrayed spouses are blind to thier spouses infidelities.  I would bet your husband is aware and likewise pulled away from you.

Again,  I know you will likely disagree, but again its here, in your own words.

Why not just divorce your husband? You've never really wanted to be with him, he is like a long term good enough for now guy. Just give the guy the information and opportunity to find and have a genuine life with an authentic wife. Or do you believe he does not deserve that? No one wants to be married to someone who has a hard time choosing them, even after marriage.

[Distraught1]

14 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I've kinda gone back through this thread and its become obvious that you've robbed your husband of a genuine marriage and you've never been committed.  

I know you will disagree,  but the proof is right here in your own words.

You have been in love with this other guy for 15 years, you have been committed to him. He is the one who knows you like a husband should know a wife, he is the one you've shared your most intimate emotions with. 

So what is the purpose of your husband? 

Believe it or not, very few betrayed spouses are blind to thier spouses infidelities.  I would bet your husband is aware and likewise pulled away from you.

Again,  I know you will likely disagree, but again its here, in your own words.

Why not just divorce your husband? You've never really wanted to be with him, he is like a long term good enough for now guy. Just give the guy the information and opportunity to find and have a genuine life with an authentic wife. Or do you believe he does not deserve that? No one wants to be married to someone who has a hard time choosing them, even after marriage.

All fair questions I guess...after all it is me putting my story out there and asking for feedback. 

I was committed, actually, for 16 years. It was only the last two that I have been unfaithful. Yes, i suppose i was in an emotional affair for the first 5 of this but I didn't recognize it as that at the time. We were coworkers that lived in other states and quite frankly we were bored. After he remarried he stopped the friendship for 8 years and it hurt very badly in the beginning but in all honesty I was happy that he was happy. When we reconnected I would have been happy with a friendship but he poured his heart out to me about his feelings. I'm not sure that I wanted more or not but I did know that there was something between us that felt very special. 

When he came back into my life the second time I was going thru a whole lot w/ my marriage and children and did not feel supported by my spouse after multiple times asking for support. My husband is a good man but cannot face difficult situations so everything difficult or emotional falls on me. I was sad, weak and exhausted at the time. The AP made me feel happy again. I knew it was not right then and still do now.

I do love my husband. We have been through a lot together. We have children together and are good parents. He hasn't pulled away from me because, quite frankly, he has never been all in either. He prioritizes other things in his life before me. I'm certainly not blaming him for my infidelity and am trying to end it with the AP and am seeking therapy. I never saw myself as a women that would do this and, you may disagree, but outside of this situation I have very high morals. I know it's easy to judge me based on this piece of my life, so I get it.

[Distraught1]

3 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

You will never have that emotional connection with your BH while you're in the affair or probably for a while after. The reason - you're totally emotionally invested in your MM. Your BH is going to have noticed this, whether or not he knows or suspects the cause.  This will have created or widened any disconnect in your marriage.

You simply can't be 100% invested in 2 things at the same time. 

BTW you're already hurting 2 people, even if they're not aware of it yet! Please stop minimising your actions. 

I'm not totally emotionally invested in the MM. In fact, I'm slowly pulling away and putting more investment in my marriage. He lives in another state and we communicate via email, some text, some calls. In the beginning it was limerence I think. The communication and my head was in the clouds and always thinking of him. But now that has faded. It's not completely gone but it is much less. MM and I have boundaries within our respective marriages that we both understand. I am working towards NC, I'm just not there yet.   

[DKT3]

You were committed but involved in an emotional affair for the first fives years because you were bored, and again this last two years? 

I noticed you avoided the last and most important part.  Do you not believe that your husband deserves an authentic marriage and maybe that can't be you.

[Distraught1]

On 9/21/2021 at 5:46 AM, Wiseman2 said:

The only advice is fix what's really wrong in your life and this will fix itself 

Start by getting to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Reconnect with trusted friends and family. Get a side hustle. Volunteer. Take some classes and courses. Get fit. Take up some sports. Join some groups and clubs.

If your home life is a source of stress, address that.

Office affairs and easy lazy cheap and seem to provide a distraction.

However it's like drinking gutrot from a paper bag to cure cancer .

I really want to fix it Wiseman. I am seeking therapy. Nothing happens overnight but this is the path that I'm trying to seek. I do need all of the things you mention.

Yes, part of this is based on boredom, dissatisfaction with self and unresolved childhood stuff. I want to fix all off this before I die to feel relief from it all.

[Distraught1]

On 9/20/2021 at 10:10 PM, BaileyB said:

Guilt - 

Manipulation - 

More guilt - 

And more manipulation -

Why did you fall for this? 

 

I guess I fell for it because, although I know walking away was the right thing to do, this affair felt better...inevitably worse...but better than walking away from somebody that made me feel wanted.

Edited September 23, 2021 by Distraught1
misspellings

[DKT3]

1 minute ago, Distraught1 said:

I guess I feel for it because I know what the right thing to do was but this felt better...inevitably worse...but better than walking away from somebody that made me feel wanted.

Its all a matter of perspective,  right? I mean he did meet and marry another woman during your first affair.  How wanted could you feel as opposed to a guy that actually committed to you and is still there.

There is alot of mental manipulation involved to maintain an affair.  

[Distraught1]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

Its all a matter of perspective,  right? I mean he did meet and marry another woman during your first affair.  How wanted could you feel as opposed to a guy that actually committed to you and is still there.

There is alot of mental manipulation involved to maintain an affair.  

I was married and had two children when we were friends. I don't consider this a true affair. He told me about his divorce and I supported him as a friend. He told me about new dates when he began meeting new women. He wanted to get married and have children. I was supportive of that. When he left the friendship, I understood but it was very hurtful. I accepted it. We were very close but supportive of the other being happy. We never spoke about being together or being more than close friends so I really didn't and still don't think he "left" me or anything. Although I understand how you could see it this way.

Yes, you are right. It is all about perspective. Not all affairs are the same. When AP says "you're the one" or "one day we will be together" I don't answer him. You may think I'm pinning for him to leave his wife but it's not really true. I recognize my faults. You say I'm minimizing but I think I'm gaining self awareness as to why I let this happen and now I have to work on fixing it. It will not be easy and I know this. I'm not ready  yet but am getting there. I spoke to a therapist today and next week I will begin therapy. 

 

[DKT3]

Being married with at least two kids didn't stop you from having sex, so its not a reach. 

So your plan is to continue to rob your husband of an authentic marriage while you figure it out? 

Its becoming obvious that you aren't really all that concerned about the impact this has on him. Or maybe there is a great deal of compartmentalized logic here. 

Do you believe this affair has had a negative impact on your marriage or is your marriage issues independent?

How did you convince yourself this was ok?

Do you believe this is the marriage your husband deserves?

I dont really expect you to answer these questions,  but its something to think about.

Edited September 23, 2021 by DKT3

[Distraught1]

3 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Being married with at least two kids didn't stop you from having sex, so its not a reach. 

So your plan is to continue to rob your husband of an authentic marriage while you figure it out? 

Its becoming obvious that you aren't really all that concerned about the impact this has on him. Or maybe there is a great deal of compartmentalized logic here. 

Do you believe this affair has had a negative impact on your marriage or is your marriage issues independent?

How did you convince yourself this was ok?

Do you believe this is the marriage your husband deserves?

I dont really expect you to answer these questions,  but its something to think about.

1) I'm not saying that it's ok so I don't know why you continue to go back here. I feel terrible and have recognized issues that I need to deal with. 

2) My plan is to figure some things out for myself and then pursue marital counseling. I begged my husband to go with me years ago. He would not. Recently he said that he would if I set it up.

3) I am concerned about the impact that this may have on him, my children and our lives. If I didn't see this I wouldn't be here.

4) In ways it has a negative impact. In other ways it does not. And yes to compartmentalizing. The AP actually told me how to do this.

5) Again, perspective is only what you are reading on these posts. I am a very good wife and mother in many ways. I know you can't see that because you aren't reading that part of the story.

6) I don't think that my husband deserved the past two years of our marriage.

[DKT3]

All except 1 is minimized.  But let's move on because I'm really here to attempt to help you.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time because you've never been honest with you husband about you part in a bad marriage.  So if you intend to go and work on his issues or your surface issues whats the point? The elephant in the room is your 7 years of affairs,  the first five and the last two. Those years need to be addressed prior. 

[Distraught1]

7 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

All except 1 is minimized.  But let's move on because I'm really here to attempt to help you.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time because you've never been honest with you husband about you part in a bad marriage.  So if you intend to go and work on his issues or your surface issues whats the point? The elephant in the room is your 7 years of affairs,  the first five and the last two. Those years need to be addressed prior. 

Do you ever think that maybe ignorance is bliss? Maybe we can move forward w/o my husband ever knowing about this. I'm not a serial cheater. Parts of our marriage is good, parts aren't. I'm going to go to individual therapy to work on myself. I don't think the marriage therapy will happen for a long while. We have been married for 18 years. Are all parts of any marriage good? In my situation, the AP lives in another state, so I won't be running in to him in the school yard or the grocery store. I'll still have him as a coworker but I think I can manage that as soon as I decide to go 100% NC. 

Edited September 23, 2021 by Distraught1

[Amethyst68]

50 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

I'm not totally emotionally invested in the MM. In fact, I'm slowly pulling away and putting more investment in my marriage. He lives in another state and we communicate via email, some text, some calls. In the beginning it was limerence I think. The communication and my head was in the clouds and always thinking of him. But now that has faded. It's not completely gone but it is much less. MM and I have boundaries within our respective marriages that we both understand. I am working towards NC, I'm just not there yet.   

Well as an outsider going only by your posts what you say here is certainly not the impression I get from both the content and the tone of the majority of your posts. 

How long do you think it's going to take to get you "there"? A month, year? One final meetup for sex?

Do you communicate solely through work communications or use your own phone, computer etc? You don't seem bothered about any possibility of your BH finding out a 7 year affair?

 

 

[Amethyst68]

15 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

My plan is to figure some things out for myself and then pursue marital counseling. I begged my husband to go with me years ago. He would not. Recently he said that he would if I set it up.

This is a big NO. It is the height of hipocrasy! You cannot take your husband to MC while you are cheating on him with another man. Are you going to be admitting your affair beforehand?